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Original poster

I think this is a dealbreaker

79 replies

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 11:51

We’ve been together 6 years. 4 adult children between us, he has 4 young grandchildren.

When we met, my youngest was still a teenager so we took things very slowly. But the relationship endured and now we are in a position to live together.

I would like a fresh start and find somewhere new for both of us. However, he is reluctant to leave his former marital home saying that his children and grandchildren would be upset. He is still quite close to his ex wife and she has said she’d be devastated if he sold the family home. She left him 10 years ago and moved in with her lover but they have since split. She still treats the old family home as if it is hers.

AIBU to think this is a dealbreaker? I actually get on well with his ex wife and children/grandchildren but I feel like it’s time to make a proper commitment or end things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 13:37

@PoppyGG

Hypothetically, yes. My children are a bit younger than his, his youngest is 10 years older than my eldest so they are in different stages of life. There was a challenging time right at the start when his ex wife wouldn’t include me or my DCs to family gatherings etc but DP firmly stated that if I and my children were not invited then nether was he.

These days everyone rubs along ok.

The point is that he doesn’t want to move so all of this is a bit moot.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 03/01/2023 13:37

My mother left and my dad had had to use a gift from his mother to buy her out of her half of the house (mortgage was paid off), and continued to live there on his own. It was after all, his house which he had paid for and he didnt want to leave. He then met his current partner and she sold her house and moved in with him. I would have preferred they bought somewhere new to be honest but they redecorated fully and changed all furniture, the kitchen and bathroom. It didnt feel like my childhood home after that anyway.

They arent married and before she moved in she signed something which basically stated that if he died first, my sister and I would get any cash immediately but that she can remain in the house until she either moves out or passes away herself. I dont rate that to be honest - will I be responsible for the maintenace of the house while she lives there?

I would say to have a good chat about it, but I wouldnt have had an issue at all with them getting a new house together and selling my childhood home (I was 24 when my mother left).

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 13:42

@Shgytfgtf111

Yours is a mature approach and I agree that it isn’t ideal for your father’s partner to effectively inherit the house until she either sells or dies.

That, in part, is why I think a clean break is best. Finances are clear and there’s no grey area about inheritance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 13:55

@notnelltoo

I missed your post. Thank you, that is very helpful and wise insight.

May I ask how you eventually persuaded him to move?

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 03/01/2023 14:04

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 13:42

@Shgytfgtf111

Yours is a mature approach and I agree that it isn’t ideal for your father’s partner to effectively inherit the house until she either sells or dies.

That, in part, is why I think a clean break is best. Finances are clear and there’s no grey area about inheritance.

Exactly. It also means that the relationship is viewed by everyone as fair and balanced. I still refer to going to 'Dads house', rather than going to 'Dad and partners name's house' which I would otherwise.

Its complex but I dont think that the children being upset should stop him selling if he actually wanted to. I wonder if they would be concerned if he was downsizing to somewhere smaller for himself only when he was older? If they complained then it would be very selfish of them.

Shgytfgtf111 · 03/01/2023 14:05
  • shouldnt stop him selling if he wanted to
Original poster
Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 14:20

It’s complex but I dont think that the children being upset should stop him selling if he actually wanted to. I wonder if they would be concerned if he was downsizing to somewhere smaller for himself only when he was older? If they complained then it would be very selfish of them.

I agree. And he also sees this. However it’s head over heart stuff and he would rather indulge their selfishness than cause unhappiness. But what about his happiness?

OP posts:
Tallisker · 03/01/2023 14:38

Hang in a second, can you please clarify something? You say Christmases and birthdays are done in his house with everyone, and you feel like a guest. Do your partner and his ex wife still host these get-togethers in what was the family home when they were married?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/01/2023 14:51

Are you sure this is a deal breaker for you? Because if you really don’t want to go on as you are, I think you need to take a step back and start to see less of your partner, and explore what your life will be like without him. I wouldn’t do it as a big fanfare breakup, just a gradual tailing off, making separate plans, being less available.

that way, you will either find that you prefer life with him on his terms, (which will be possible if you haven’t burnt your boats) or he will find that it is worth making the changes you want in order to keep the relationship. Or perhaps less intensity might suit you both.

The only thing I don’t think will work is you continuing to try to persuade him to make these changes, when he has told you pretty clearly he doesn’t want to. He will probably just get irritated ( I know on MN no one is supposed to mind this, but personally I prefer to avoid conflict). Seeing a bit less of you, making yourself a bit less available, and NOT Wanting to Move in with Him might spark a change of mind in him, though.

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 14:54

No, it’s his house and he hosts the get togethers. His ex wife is mostly invited for the children/grandchildren’s sake. He makes it clear that he is the host and I am his partner but because it is, after all, the old marital home, I feel out of place.

OP posts:
SamTG · 03/01/2023 14:54

I’m in a similar situation but from the other side, ie. I live in the house I used to live in with my ex.
I have partner of 4 years,(we recently married) and although my children would probably like me to stay here, they’re adults and will be fine.
My children’s well-being will always be a priority, but this isn’t a wellbeing issue and I don’t want my children to think the world revolves around them!

I’m selling up now and we’re buying a house together as his youngest has left home too now.

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 14:55

That’s good advice @Allthegoodnamesarechosen
thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 14:58

@SamTG

that sounds great! I agree with you that this is not an issue of well-being for his children. That’s what I find frustrating really. They are adults and the way I see it, he is overindulging them.

OP posts:
notnelltoo · 03/01/2023 15:30

@Dooaleapa thanks for your comments. What persuaded my DH I think was that despite us getting a new top notch heating system the house was still cold also we wanted couldn't see how we could reconfigure some of the rooms to suit us better., and although, we loved the garden it had got too big and overgrown for us to manage

Good luck, I hope you find a way forward that works for you all.

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 04/01/2023 11:05

@notnelltoo

thank you. I had a long and hard think about the future and it’s not looking good I’m afraid. I realised that he still takes care of his ex-wife’s extended family, ie plans and organises her nieces and nephews birthdays and holidays, because she asks him to. I fear he is still in effect “married” to her despite being legally divorced. I fear I will always be second and I don’t think it bodes well.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 04/01/2023 11:24

Dooaleapa · 04/01/2023 11:05

@notnelltoo

thank you. I had a long and hard think about the future and it’s not looking good I’m afraid. I realised that he still takes care of his ex-wife’s extended family, ie plans and organises her nieces and nephews birthdays and holidays, because she asks him to. I fear he is still in effect “married” to her despite being legally divorced. I fear I will always be second and I don’t think it bodes well.

Yes, l can see why you feel like that. A lot of red flags; him and his ex are way more involved then they should be at this point

firstmummy2019 · 04/01/2023 11:31

From the sounds of he isn't fully over the break up with his wife.

NoDatingForOldMen · 04/01/2023 11:32

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 14:58

@SamTG

that sounds great! I agree with you that this is not an issue of well-being for his children. That’s what I find frustrating really. They are adults and the way I see it, he is overindulging them.

But they are His children / grandchildren not yours - he might not see it overindulging, he probably sees it as just being a parent/ grandparent and likes to do that, does he pass comment on how you treat your own children?

Jadviga · 04/01/2023 11:41

It really depends on what you wants. Personally I like my own space and security and I'd be happy to keep my own place, he keeps his and this way we each have our own cave to retreat to.

Is it very important to you to move in with him ? What's wrong with the status quo ? You don't have to answer obviously, these are just thoughts for you to explore. What if the relationship with him broke down and you had to sell the house you'd bought together, you'd find yourself having to disentangle all that and move potentially at a more advanced age. Personally I wouldn't be keen to buy together if only for that reason.

This aside, he's known his wife's family for how many decades ? They're still family (through his children). If my SIL split with my brother I wouldn't stop seeing her/talking to her/inviting her, now that they have children she's part of the family.

If on a daily basis his focus is so much on them that he's not doing things with you, that's an issue. And I wouldn't be happy with that. Otherwise, crack on.

But this is me obviously, you have to decide for yourself what you can or cannot live with, and leave or stay accordingly.

supercali77 · 04/01/2023 11:47

No i wouldnt be happy. Adults (children or exes) are old enough to deal with the feelings of the old home being sold. I wouldnt want to jnhabit the old marital home especially since they are still so enmeshed. Symbolically as much as anything else I think it would weigh on me. A history that doesn't belong to me and a place I've been slotted into.

GerbilsForever24 · 04/01/2023 12:04

MIL and FIL have a similar set up to what you're describing, minus the family home issue. And actually, it's really completely fine. But I do think that for it to work, YOU have to feel like you are properly part of the family and his partner. eg, if he's hosting christmas at his house, even now, surely it should be you and he hosting Christmas, albeit with his ex-wife as a guest?

FIL considers MIL's family his family and is, arguably, much closer to most of term than she is. His new partner therefore seems to just see MIL's family as part of her DP's family and it's fine. The only time when it might have been tricky, and SM has always handled this vey graciously I feel, is around grandchildren. She tends to defer on grandchildren to MIL which I think is very nice of her, but I could see how that might annoy her a bit - eg, "I've bought presents, and cooked food and all the rest but I always have to let DP"s ex get first dibs on cuddles etc." But then, she's a BIG baby and child person. Another woman might not care1 Grin

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 04/01/2023 12:13

Sounds like he's not really over his ex, neither is she. They basically behave as a family/married without the intimacy.

SamTG · 04/01/2023 12:32

Oh god that sounds way too much, I couldn’t cope with that either. It’s great they get on but that’s extreme.

I’ve felt a bit like that occasionally with my husband and his ex, almost as if I’m a bolt-on to his past life, but this has improved as time has passed.

The best of luck to you x

Trinity65 · 04/01/2023 13:05

I was about to type YABU until I read all of your Opening Post

To Me, it would be a dealbreaker.

notnelltoo · 04/01/2023 13:08

@Dooaleapa I'm sorry to read that but I can understand why it's like you'll always be 2nd best or persona non gratis. We have a friend who is like this with his 1st wife and his adult daughter who is extremely needy. He's a lovely very kind man but he can't detach himself from his first wife and she still comes to him for everything except sex. it's like a symbiotic relationship whereby they feed off each other. His 2nd marriage broke up because of this and his very needy daughter.

Life is too short to sell yourself short

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