I think this is a dealbreaker

[Dooaleapa]

We’ve been together 6 years. 4 adult children between us, he has 4 young grandchildren.

When we met, my youngest was still a teenager so we took things very slowly. But the relationship endured and now we are in a position to live together.

I would like a fresh start and find somewhere new for both of us. However, he is reluctant to leave his former marital home saying that his children and grandchildren would be upset. He is still quite close to his ex wife and she has said she’d be devastated if he sold the family home. She left him 10 years ago and moved in with her lover but they have since split. She still treats the old family home as if it is hers.

AIBU to think this is a dealbreaker? I actually get on well with his ex wife and children/grandchildren but I feel like it’s time to make a proper commitment or end things.

It was a deal breaker for me op.

My dp's kids were still very young so it was still very much their home (although his ex moved out and she didn't come in other than occasionally when dropping/collecting them). He wouldn't consider selling up and pooling resources to find home big enough for us all, so we broke up.

Some time later we hooked back up. He's still in the same house, I'm in my own but our dc are all late teens/adults so are very much in the throes of moving out eventually. I think now is a good time to be reconsidering the move into a joint home. I do enjoy my own space (as pp described I am now much more independent and the relationship is less 'future-y') so there has been quite a shift in the dynamic.

Your dp does seem particularly enmeshed with his ex and her family, and he is prioritising his adult, independent dc, and his ex and her family, over you.

Have you explained this to him?
I'd suggest if ex is that deviststrted she buy it.

It’s not really about him prioritising his adult independent children, which I would expect. It’s more his expected role towards his ex’s extended family. I think a lot of it is established roles within the family, ie he has always been the head and father figure of the family and continues to play that role long into the children’s adulthood. I would never expect him not to make his children a priority, just as mine are my priority. But a partner/spouse relationship is different and I fear there is not that space in his life. Heartbreaking as it is because he is a good and kind man, I think I should leave.

Op I think you hit the nail on the head there. It's all about who occupies the most space in his life and how much of it he affords you.

Can I ask what your own children think of the arrangements he lives by? Do they think you are being pushed to one side in order for him to accommodate his family first and foremost?

For me this would be a dealbreaker I'm afraid. I would continue to live on my own and let him get on with it. He sounds weak to me and expects you to go along with anything he does, and this means he thinks less of you than he does of others.

I think you're right OP. I'd be feeling like a hanger on, not an equal partner. The enmeshment is too deep.

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas

my children are fairly laid back about it all. They enjoy coming home for holidays and get on well with DP and his children but they are not particularly close in part because of the difference in age. My youngest has only just left home and eldest right in the middle of uni whereas his dc are married with children.

I worry sometimes that my children have low expectations because of their own traumatic experience with a narc father who they have no contact with and so are just grateful that DP is kind.

Being grateful someone is kind makes me feel sad. he's not being overly kind to you though because its as if he expects you to go along with it all silently

You have to decide how much you are worth. That is how much longer you can tolerate the arrangements he and his family seem to think are the norm. I would not finish the relationship but I would change it and stop talking about moving in together. You have to feel safe and loved and he has too strong an attachment to his past stopping him from thinking about a future together with you

How do I change the relationship without ending it though?

Stop thinking 'fresh start' as it is not going to happen. He is too enmeshed in his family and their lives and they have an emotional hold on him which I suspect he enjoys anyway.

Keep your relationship light and don't always attend these gatherings they have. Do your own thing more. Don't rely on him as a strength. You have your own -and remind yourself why he is with you in the first place. Is it because you are too compliant? Did something get lost along the way because of his needy family.
I think you sound really level headed and admire you for not ever kicking off as regards his ex-wife !

Thanks @ChangedmynameagainforChristmas

I know he loves me. We do love each other very much. But love isn’t always enough. Commitment is what really counts and we have been together long enough for me to be sure that what he is giving me is not what I want or need.

I think I am going to slowly start leaving the relationship. Now that the children have flown the nest and I’m on my own again, I am reevaluating the entire relationship and I don’t in all honesty see a future.

You never know Op... in letting go of the relationship it might make him see the wood for the trees with you being the wood and the trees being his needy greedy family :)

That's really sad. Does he know your thinking of walking away because of this?

I think a new place would be the best bet and you can make it your own. As you have said he cld give the kids the house just now as part of inheritance.

He is strangely still more involved with the ex wife and her family than he shld be. This is the most worrying part of this. Doesn't sound like it's just about the house.

I do hope he sees the light and agrees to buy somewhere else with you 🤞🏻

Why is he organising his nieces/nephews birthdays? Are they adults if so surely they should be organising their own birthday celebrations if they are children why aren't their parents planning their parties?
The only thing I can think of that is stranger than my Auntie's husband planning my birthday is my Auntie's ex husband planning it.

He organises them in the sense that traditionally most family gatherings are at his house and so it’s taken for granted that he will host if they wish.

While he is so tangled up with his ex's family I don't think he is ever going to be ready to fully commit to you.
Co-parenting is one thing, being able to be polite and civilized in eachother's company so children feel relaxed and comfortable having both their parents at family events is great, enviable even but remaining that closely entwined with an ex's extended family smacks of not having mentally moved on.
I think you need to either accept that he is never going to be fully invested in you as a couple so you need to decide if half in from him is enough for you and if it is not have a frank conversation with him where you explain that the relationship isn't working for you anymore and if he isn't prepared to make changes that you will end things. Let's face it it sounds like he is a much better as ex than he is as a partner so you may find he has more time for you once you leave him!

I think a nice sit down family discussion would help. You could all sit down and talk about it - their fears , your hopes and dreams for a home together .. it might be more resolvable in a heart to heart meeting

Please dont put yourself through this OP. Just tell him.

Enough talk of ‘prioritising’ his adult kids, Ex wife, extended family - why are you willing to play a bit part in your own life, OP ?
Come on now, this is all so lopsided !
@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas has some great advice, imo.
I feel that he will never change, why would he ? He has it too good !
Good luck OP.

Your boyfriend puts the feelings of his ex-wife, a woman who cheated on him, above yours.

That alone is why you should leave him.

@Dooaleapa

OP - I think for you his selling of his house became a symbol of proving his commitment to you.

For some reason - despite you knowing that he didn’t take his ex back when she wanted to come back - and despite him clearly making sure you are respected as a new partner - you still feel insecure.
Why is that?
Why do you now want even more ‘proof’ of his commitment to you?

To me - this talk of his ex controlling him is ridiculous. He has lived and raised his kids in the house. It sounds like a big house with lots for history for his kids and now grand kids. And kids’ cousins wanting to be there for family celebrations - just tells me that they are a big and close-knit family. This isn’t an issue of exW and her nieces/nephews. They are cousins to his kids - and he has known them all their lives. There is absolutely NO reason to think of occasional family celebrations at his place - as a threat to YOUR relationship.

You have a good and loyal guy there, with deep family connections - why would you make this into a personality fault?

Unless he is not spending enough time with you, and his mind is constantly busy with his kids/grandkids issues - why do you need so much to stake your claim over him?

To me - your insistence on him changing his life around in such a dramatic way - just so that you feel more secure - is very needy and controlling.

You say you have a good relationship and you love him. But at the same time - you do sound resentful of his kids. Completely unnecessarily, I must add - as he does sound committed to you.
I do hope you manage to deal with your insecurities. Anyone you’ll meet now would have a history and family commitments. And anyone who would throw them out to placate their new partners - i think aren’t fundamentally a good partner to anyone.

Why not simply have him move into your existing home? That way neither of you take on any new debt. It does not sound as their is any emotional attachment to your place.

He can keep his home and you avoid any questions related to inheritance.

If your concern is over involvement with the ex or expectations of the children,etc. Those are issues that are not resolved by changing your address. He may not wish to make the changes in his life that you perceive as beneficial to your relationship. He may see your relationship as a positive addition to an already good life, but he may not be excited about fixing what to him is not broken.

@MMmomDD
Did you actually take the time to read what OP said? If so why say all of this rubbish when it makes no sense at all

I think an important point is that, while you can understand that families feel attached to the home they raised their children in/grew up in, most people do not stay there for life. Even if they hadn't split up, they were likely to move on at some point once the children were grown. Not many couples live in one house till they die. Adult children may feel a bit sad at not having access to their childhood home, but it's not particularly upsetting really.

Can you discuss it with him in these terms? It's a home that no longer suits his stage of life. Lots of couples move on after children. The fact that there's a new relationship is irrelevant to that - but yes, he should also understand your need for a fresh start.

As the child of a widower who moved his new wife into the family home I would far rather they had bought new

I hated any changes she made and I hated that her adult family was more 'at home' there than I was.