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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think this is a dealbreaker

79 replies

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 11:51

We’ve been together 6 years. 4 adult children between us, he has 4 young grandchildren.

When we met, my youngest was still a teenager so we took things very slowly. But the relationship endured and now we are in a position to live together.

I would like a fresh start and find somewhere new for both of us. However, he is reluctant to leave his former marital home saying that his children and grandchildren would be upset. He is still quite close to his ex wife and she has said she’d be devastated if he sold the family home. She left him 10 years ago and moved in with her lover but they have since split. She still treats the old family home as if it is hers.

AIBU to think this is a dealbreaker? I actually get on well with his ex wife and children/grandchildren but I feel like it’s time to make a proper commitment or end things.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2023 15:25

MMmomDD · 05/01/2023 10:27

@Dooaleapa

OP - I think for you his selling of his house became a symbol of proving his commitment to you.

For some reason - despite you knowing that he didn’t take his ex back when she wanted to come back - and despite him clearly making sure you are respected as a new partner - you still feel insecure.
Why is that?
Why do you now want even more ‘proof’ of his commitment to you?

To me - this talk of his ex controlling him is ridiculous. He has lived and raised his kids in the house. It sounds like a big house with lots for history for his kids and now grand kids. And kids’ cousins wanting to be there for family celebrations - just tells me that they are a big and close-knit family. This isn’t an issue of exW and her nieces/nephews. They are cousins to his kids - and he has known them all their lives. There is absolutely NO reason to think of occasional family celebrations at his place - as a threat to YOUR relationship.

You have a good and loyal guy there, with deep family connections - why would you make this into a personality fault?

Unless he is not spending enough time with you, and his mind is constantly busy with his kids/grandkids issues - why do you need so much to stake your claim over him?

To me - your insistence on him changing his life around in such a dramatic way - just so that you feel more secure - is very needy and controlling.

You say you have a good relationship and you love him. But at the same time - you do sound resentful of his kids. Completely unnecessarily, I must add - as he does sound committed to you.
I do hope you manage to deal with your insecurities. Anyone you’ll meet now would have a history and family commitments. And anyone who would throw them out to placate their new partners - i think aren’t fundamentally a good partner to anyone.

It sounded to me like his Ex was the 'hostess' in those situations and more 'at home' than the OP.

Who'd be happy with that?

MMmomDD · 05/01/2023 15:36

@Nanny0gg

OP specifically says Ex wasn’t the Host, and her partner makes sure it’s clear He and OP are hosing,
Ex is invited, of course. As are OP’s kids.
OP even said they all get along well, and as far as blended family go - it all sounds very functional.

OP also said that it’s more about her feelings - the way she feels about it being former marital home, etc.

That is way I said what I said. He has a past, but is essentially a good and loyal person.

Original poster

Dooaleapa · 07/01/2023 13:11

Did you actually take the time to read what OP said? If so why say all of this rubbish when it makes no sense at all

thank you @ChangedmynameagainforChristmas

I think that poster is seeing things from the point of view of the first wife.

OP posts:

CatherinedeBourgh · 07/01/2023 13:21

I know a couple who were in this situation. They kept both houses, and spend Mon-Fri at hers and weekends with all the extended family at his fmh.

They eventually bought a holiday home together as well.

They are very happy, 20 odd years on, though he still assumes responsibility for all the extended family, including his ex an his ex-step dc. She’s fine with that.

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