Hand hold please, I have just properly cut ties with my mum

[Lordofthebutterfloofs]

She cut contact with me over an imaginary fall out in May 2022. Waited until the middle of December to get back in touch (because she wanted to see my boys at Christmas)

According to my poor very elderly grandad she was waiting on an apology from me. For what I'm don't know, I had not fallen out with her.

Theres obviously way more to this whole can of bollocks but i'm not up to it right now. I feel panicky and anxious and sad. Despite my DH agreeing with my decision so I know I am NBU. I am still doubting myself.

I always give more than I get with her. She is horrid to me but love bombs my kids. They keep asking when they will see nana again and I don't know what to say. I have so far explained that nana has fallen out with mummy and mummy is waiting for nana to stop being silly as I haven't fallen out with her.

So much to unpack I honestly feel like crying but I find that hard. And the kids are here and I'm alone with them so I cant really even if I could.

I'm sorry you're in this position. I speak from experience as I am still totally unaware what caused the ultimate cutting off by my mother, almost a decade before she died. I realised over time that you examine and examine yourself in a way the other party would not begin to, the concept would be alien to them. The knots you tie yourself up in take a long time to unravel and you may never get answers. Accepting that is hard but does bring some peace

Let alone what is going on with you, she doesn't have a healthy relationship with your children. A genuinely caring grandparent would have tried to resolve whatever issues (she thought) were between you long ago, even if it was just to maintain proper contact with them. It is very telling that she didn't make contact until Christmas and my suspicions would be that it was to maintain a public illusion of "happy families", probably for the benefit of others but not really for you or your kids.

I can well imagine a painful and long backstory. Giving yourself permission to stop caring is difficult, frightening even, but a way of starting that is to actively give her less headspace. It's New Year, concentrate on your kids and having fun with them and allow yourself to have fun too, shelve thoughts about her for a few days. That enjoyment will make you stronger in whatever you decide to do.

I've burbled on, sorry, so hope at least a bit of this makes sense and genuine good wishes.

Love-bombing your kids is simply another way of her being horrid to you.

Let her stew in her own juice, and try to resist any attempts by other family members to reconcile the situation.

Oh god, she has just read the message I sent finalising things via WhatsApp.

I feel sick.

Hurry up and block before she has the chance to respond.

You know you are doing the right thing. Your kids will be fine. How old are they?

Handhold here.
I am still in contact with my mum and its 100% based on a befriender type roll.

Even with that I am tied up in knots self doubting, questioning and trying to fit my experiences in with the perception of happy families and 'best friend mums' that society frames it in. I realise I have put up with low level abuse for so long because I felt a need to get approval which I never got and a need to be seen as a person with 'my mum who is my rock, my best friend'. Its all BS and v damaging.

I think maybe its a good time to validate your feelings and read around the fear, obligation and guilt that acompanies these decisions. And ignore any 'but she is your mum!' crap as that has stopped me so many times in the past.

Well done taking the step towards psychological safety and assertive decision making. It will be a rollercoaster so keep talking about it.

Love bombing your kids is done with one eye on you. She's giving you a strong message: "I know this is what you want. Look how loved they feel! You will never feel like that."

Sorry things are tough right now. I would try and be really mindful and in the present. Not wondering what the future holds, not questioning the past - what is happening now. And know that however shitty things feel right now, it's a projection of sadness of the past and worry for the future. Keep centred, set your boundaries. You aren't alone in this.

9 and 6

@pinneddownbytabbies I want to block but if I do that I lose all the messages on WhatsApp. She is one for getting legal advice on this kind of stuff

I know grandparents don't have rights but she is likely to harass me via solicitors letters.

What if I need evidence of asking for no contact? Will screenshot a suffice?

Bump, I need to chat if anyone's out there.

I'm seeing my good friend on the 7th and I want to talk to her but I don't want to burden her either.

Nearly cried in front of the kids in the car earlier on the way back from aldi.

Theres obviously way more to this whole can of bollocks but i'm not up to it right now.
😂Ha, I love your style & don't worry - plenty of PP have been in similar shoes & you don't need to spell it out.

I feel panicky and anxious and sad. Despite my DH agreeing with my decision so I know I am NBU. I am still doubting myself.
It's OK. Allow those feelings to ebb & flow. It's just habit - no doubt your mum has conditioned you to feel bad about her/in response to her for decades.
If you start to get overwhelmed, do simple mindfulness techniques. Breathe, counting seconds for each breath, then slowly identify 5 red things in the room, & name them out loud.
Tell yourself it's just a feeling, & feelings aren't facts, & will pass. As will the doubt - that is just you, second-guessing yourself, because you have been programmed to doubt your own natural feelings.
Breathe!

I always give more than I get with her. She is horrid to me but love bombs my kids. They keep asking when they will see nana again and I don't know what to say. I have so far explained that nana has fallen out with mummy and mummy is waiting for nana to stop being silly as I haven't fallen out with her.
Nana isn't allowed to love bomb your kids any more.
She cannot have a relationship with them if she is vile to you.
That is the cost of her cutting you off.She doesn't get to put you down & pick you up on a whim, & your DC are not accessories for her to entertain herself with, or to use to triangulate against you, or to fuck up like she fucked up your childhood.

So much to unpack I honestly feel like crying but I find that hard. And the kids are here and I'm alone with them so I cant really even if I could.
I think it's quite common for adult survivors of rotten parenting to be quite 'frozen' - it's to do with learning to lock your emotions away where dysfunctional adults could not use them against you.
This may sound daft - but can you schedule a cry?
Even if you don't get to the boohoo stage - all this feeling needs letting out.
Or take the kids to a remote spot, climb a hill & have a shouting competition with them. Let it all out.
Or get a punch bag (not joking).

It would help you to find a way of expressing - even just to yourself, initially - your sorrow, rage, hurt, frustration - & allowing it to leach away bit by bit.
While you do that, or maybe learn how to do it under the careful eye of a therapist experienced in dysfunctional families, keep your mother at a distance.

& keep posting! Have you seen any of the "But We Took You To Stately Homes" threads? Search them out - chock full of adult survivors of abusive parenting, who will understand what you are going through.
You'll also find this helpful, & will recognise your mother, & dynamic between you, by browsing around this site -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

I want to block but if I do that I lose all the messages on WhatsApp. She is one for getting legal advice on this kind of stuff
Can you forward these messages to yourself, or screenshot them?

I know grandparents don't have rights but she is likely to harass me via solicitors letters.
Let her. You have no obligation to respond to solicitor's letters. Legally OR morally. Let her waste her money, & direct her energies to a third party like this if that's the game she wants to play.

What if I need evidence of asking for no contact? Will screenshot a suffice?
Yes.
If you are asking from a standpoint of legally protecting yourself - you need to have sent a clear & unequivocal message "I do not wish to be in contact with you, do not email, text, message, phone, or in any other way approach me."
If she then breaches your no-contact request on two occasions, that is legally considered harassment.

Hiya @KettrickenSmiled 👋

I know I'm doing the right thing long term. I don't think I'd she was really honest with herself, she even likes me let alone loves me. I think she is jealous of how my life has turned out (happy)

I feel sorry for my grandad who is 94 and will end up in the middle of this and will try to interfere with the best of intentions.

I feel like I have no family left (other than very elderly grandparents) as I am also NC with my brother due to sibling domestic violence and low contact with my dick of a dad who I see for about 30 minutes a year (Ten minutes a piece on each of the boys birthdays and Christmas morning, he's as hands-off as it gets) which is plenty as longer than that and he also starts to try to belittle me in my own home.

You don't need to make any decisions about talking or not, or how you talk to your friend on the 7th. You can play it all by ear.

If you DO want to talk - & if she's a good friend. she's rather share a burden than leave you carrying it alone - you could preface it a little like you phrased it above. Explain that you need to vent, but don't want to make the entire time about your bloody mother, so is she ok if you rant on for 20 minutes, then stop & have a clear subject change.

You are lovely to consider your friend's feelings in this too. Obviously very unlike your mother. Maybe stop for a moment, & pat yourself on the back for this remarkable achievement - YOU are not raising your DC's like you were raised. It takes real strength & intelligence to make that conscious choice. Well done you.

Can you also access some New Year therapy?
If you cannot self-fund, ask your GP for a referral or how you can access a therapist. You need one who is experienced in handling the fallout from dysfunctional parenting, who knows about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt, see link above) & how to untangle the enmeshment & insanity that you had to manage all your young life, & are still coping with the fallout of now.

You are doing the right thing, & apart from poor grandad - fuck the lot of 'em.
Your kids don't need arseholes in their lives, so don't accept any bullshit about "for the children" either.

You don’t lose the messages if you block her on WhatsApp, only if you delete them afterwards x

Christ my brain is trying is best to minimise like crazy right now. It's so hard when it's all emotional. My brother was an easy line to draw due to the physical nature of his behavior.

I have just discovered that @YoSofi thank you. I took some screen shots and then blocked her because I can't take the anxiety of her replying unexpectedly. She likes to leave me on read for long periods.

Well done with the blocking.
You don't need her pulling your strings.

This gets easier with practice. It's been over 5 years for me, & I still stumble sometimes but OMG the relief, the freedom, the lack of crazy in my life now ... 😁

I gave the opportunity before making this decision for her to agree four conditions for us to meet and talk.

Two of which ( the most important) were to address her own mental health issues and serious grief over my nan dying and her divorce with therapy and also to take the anti depressants the doctor prescribed.

She said no.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's such a hard pill to swallow; we grow up being told that our parents are our protectors and when that turns out to not be the case it's very hard to work through. It was for me. It is not always in the best interests of a person to have direct contact with his or her parents and I think unless you've been in that situation you don't get it. So my first point is not to take advice from someone who hasn't been there. My husband, for example, has two fairly typical parents and so he doesn't even try to advise me because he doesn't know where to even start. Not everyone will have such self awareness.

What helps me is to look at my circle of influence vs my circle of concern. All of my mum's behaviour sits in my circle of concern but it is absolutely not something I have influence over. If I had children, them being impacted by my mum's behaviour would however sit in my circle of concern so I would try to focus on that.

This thread is brilliant, in fact MNet is brilliant for this type of problem. You'll get someone along soon who will tell you to make the most of your mum cos she won't be here forever. I'd feel free to completely ignore them .

I think you'll really find counselling beneficial. My dh was convinced that issue was in our marriage with me & wanted to go to counselling. I agreed but knew that issues were because of his abnormal parents / siblings.

It really really helped him to have a 3rd party who didn't know his family to break things down for him. He was given coping strategies on how to deal with contact on his terms. It's been life changing for him

I'd like to try therapy, it's something I'm a bit scared of though my mental stability is fragile and it's only by barracading the doors I manage to function like a normal human.

I have children to consider and we live in each others pockets and I don't want to inflict my emotions on them.

I don't need anyone telling me that @Judelawsnanny i've been telling myself that lie for years!

@Lordofthebutterfloofs

It might be worth reaching out to a counsellor & see what they suggest. I know my dh found the first session incredibly difficult (but he wasn't prepared for it being all about him)

He processed everything for 2 weeks & agreed to further sessions. He only needed 3 & it made a huge difference to how he sees their behaviour. Still working on how he deals with them but he'd probably need to go back for more help on that

Not dealing with it all & bottling it all up might not be best for you all long term xx