Hand hold please, I have just properly cut ties with my mum

[Lordofthebutterfloofs]

She cut contact with me over an imaginary fall out in May 2022. Waited until the middle of December to get back in touch (because she wanted to see my boys at Christmas)

According to my poor very elderly grandad she was waiting on an apology from me. For what I'm don't know, I had not fallen out with her.

Theres obviously way more to this whole can of bollocks but i'm not up to it right now. I feel panicky and anxious and sad. Despite my DH agreeing with my decision so I know I am NBU. I am still doubting myself.

I always give more than I get with her. She is horrid to me but love bombs my kids. They keep asking when they will see nana again and I don't know what to say. I have so far explained that nana has fallen out with mummy and mummy is waiting for nana to stop being silly as I haven't fallen out with her.

So much to unpack I honestly feel like crying but I find that hard. And the kids are here and I'm alone with them so I cant really even if I could.

Thank you @Cleotolstoy ❤️

Empathy here OP. I went NC with my sister last year. I have doubted the decision but it was a truly dysfunctional relationship. I couldn't see how it would end - maybe with the death of one of us. Something happened which made me realise she would never change.
So I blocked her.

I found this book so helpful, she totally gets it. I follow her Facebook group too. I waver lots but I'm not missing out on anything.

Sometimes she'd be so lovely and I'd imagine having the close sisterly bond I craved as she'd reel me back in. Then the cycle would start again.

The things you've been through - just awful. I'm so sorry.

You are allowed to grieve the mum you wished you had. Yeah

Honestly, thank-you. It can be so incredibly isolating. And I completely 'get it'
But genuinely thanks for sharing your experience. It's so brave.
I often think, no one understands but seeing your post was the first time I have seen someone else write down what's been locked up in my own head for years and it was just such a huge relief.

Hi @Lordofthebutterfloofs sorry you're going through this.
From my experience some how something brings me and my mum together and we have cut ties a few times. I give my mum space and in time she gets back to me or softens when i contact her.
Give it time, i hope things get better x

No going back I'm afraid @Summer2424 she has treated me too badly for too long.

Hi @Lordofthebutterfloofs 😔 x

Your mum is a fairly textbook narcissist. Utter poison, and doesn't deserve you. You've done the right thing, absolutely, but I know how painful it is. And those feelings of shame at cutting off family.

I went NC with my mum (and then my brother dropped me, as he decided our relationship wasn't worth continuing, and presumably thought I was being unkind) about 4 years ago now. I still reel at the thought I might not get told when she dies. I still feel like I have done something unforgivable in dropping her. I still struggle to work out clearly if it was her that was a bad mother, or if I was a bad daughter. She used to tell me I was evil when I was naughty, as a child. That message is baked quite deeply into my consciousness.

There is no way I could have carried on putting myself in harm's way, though. It was a waste of time expecting her to change.

Stay strong - focus on getting therapy and giving yourself the care you need to recover.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Well done for taking the hardest step, it will get easier. You have done the right thing - your mother is a narcissist who will not change and you need to protect your children (and yourself) from her.

I went NC with my mother nearly 4 years ago (she was nowhere near as bad as yours FWIW but still pretty toxic). In my case it was a lot easier as I live abroad. I blocked her on WhatsApp after one catastrophic visit that was the final nail in the coffin. She made some attempts at contacting me. Firstly to say how awful I was from stopping her seeing her beloved GC (sound familiar?) Then she sent piles of presents for just one of my DC (because even with GC, one of them is golden and the others less deserving) She’s now given up.

When I went NC I felt a sense of calm. I still have doubts about what I’ve done, but I know it’s more because society expects daughters to have wonderful loving relationships with their mothers. Thankfully through reading posts like yours on the Internet, I discovered that it’s ok (and even the right thing) to cut off contact. If you had a friend who treated you like that you would never tolerate it, why should a parent be any different?

I still think of my mother most days but I think it’s because I’m mourning the fulfilling mother/daughter relationship which I wished I had had.

You've had a lot of good advice on here. I would suggest thinking in advance of replies to give to your DC when they ask questions. I think @AttilaTheMeerkat ’s distraction technique is a good one to use here. I’m lucky in that I can just say that grandma lives too far away to visit and now the kids have pretty much forgotten and stopped asking.

I hope that helps - you’ve done the right thing, it will get easier.

I have now. I apologise - I’d not seen the full extent until after the comment about messaging and blocking. It’s your choice to cut her out of your life and no one here can tell you that you’ve made the right one. I’m sure if it’s come to this then it must be what you needed to do.

Hey everyone,

I haven't heard from my grandad for weeks. This will be because I have cut mum off and she will have told him.

I forgot his birthday on the 12th because its been so busy at work and wanted to call and apologise and wish him a happy belated birthday and arrange to take the kids up but I am scared he will be upset with me.

I am heartbroken. I love my lovely grandad, but of course he loves his daughter too.

Yes, when you put in boundaries, many people don't like it.

Wishing you continued strength: it's your life, on your terms.

@Lordofthebutterfloofs I have a very similar situation. I am non contact with my dm and my grandma became a flying monkey. It didn't matter what damage was done to me, it only mattered that my dm wasn't getting what she wanted. It hurts like hell. Ultimately though why is your feelings and mental health worth less than your mums. It isn't and so if someone else is then trying to bully or guilt you into contact with them what does that say?

I'm sorry you're going through this, you're not on your own. Have you looked at the stately homes thread?

I dkd check out stately homes yes. It was a bit much in there to be honest.

I've no desire to slag anyone off, which is what seemed to be happening in there.

Sorry to anyone who likes it.

I would be careful who you reach out to and instead seek a counsellor with experience in this area.

I got
But he's your Dad
I'm sure you are wrong
My Dad isn't like that 🙄
You will regret it when he's gone

Do I regret it?
No I'm sad that he wasn't the father I hoped he would be,but I also came to understand that he was the product of his upbringing.
I'm pŕoud that I put a stop to the generational abuse that had trickled down for years.
Anyone who doesn't like it can look me in the face and tell me removing my children from a situation where he made threats to my life in front of them and tell me I'm wrong
Yeah that's a no

Sending strength and understanding

Yeh, the vast majority of people just do not get it. My parents view of respect is a very imperious, but kind of quietly imperious ''submit to our narrative that we were wronged by you and you need therapy''. (I've had therapy but that's not the point really). Because their view of themselves is that they're very good people and that's what most people think of them, if I tried to get any relatives, family friends or neighbours ''on my side'' it would end really badly for me. It would invalidate me again. My wounds are betrayal and invalidation and if I try to tell (most) people why I'm hurt by them, I get more of the same back. More of the same message ''your feelings don't matter''. ''Your perspective is an act of aggression''. ''submit to them''. And being in to my 50s now, I see that I cannot just sublimate my sense of myself to make them feel comfortable. It wouldn't even make them happy !! Just comfortable.

But from somebody who gets it Stay strong. My parents aren't talking to me. For a long time I thought a conversation would resolve things but they are terrified of a conversation because that would make it harder to justify the ''given'' in our family that only their pain is real pain, only their perspective is real. I know that I'm articulate enough to ask the right questions so they won't let me. Conversation!?!?! Oh no. Silent treatment forever it is then.

I agree with @Flipthefrugal I found the stately homes thread too much. If you ever start a thread about anything you're directed right there, but I found that I was looking for suggestions for anything that would take the pain of being excluded and blamed and shamed away and I was reading all of these stories where people were battling with their narc mil. Which imo, thought dreadful, and upsetting no doubt, is different from trying to find peace with going nc with your own parents. I tried for nearly three years to have a conversation with my parents and they just wouldn't have it. It was ''respect us'' (ie, submit compliantly) I just don't think that a battle with your mil can come close to the pain of realising that you're a stranger to your parents. That your pain isn't real to them. Your perspective is an act of aggression you perpetrate against them.

So I stay off that thread now. I used to think @AttilaTheMeerkat the meerkat was too quick to advise going nc but as it has turned out my three years of trying has got me nowhere. NOWHERE. I should have given up three years ago. But then if you give up too soon maybe you always wonder. At least I will always know that I tried and I tried and I tried and trying to communicate made them angry.

I agree, I had (have) a relative who does this. Fawns obsequiously over other relatives around us and treats me like a ghost. Like I'm not there. No smile, no acknowledgement, nothing, and it is the contrast that is the weapon.

Sorry to hear that @Lordofthebutterfloofs

I said that in my post that some people will automatically side with the person you've gone NC with, not even an attempt to contact me, and in 14 years.

I'd always been really good with my half sister and bought her things she needed as she was a single parent for a few years, but my DC haven't heard from their aunt since. I think that sort of thing rankles.

I agree with @Flipthefrugal I found the stately homes thread too much. If you ever start a thread about anything you're directed right there, but I found that I was looking for suggestions for anything that would take the pain of being excluded and blamed and shamed away and I was reading all of these stories where people were battling with their narc mil. Which imo, thought dreadful, and upsetting no doubt, is different from trying to find peace with going nc with your own parents.

I agree. A NC with parents thread would be useful perhaps. It's not an easy thing to navigate.

Yes, there should be a NC thread. Just needs someone wise and articulate to start it.

Agreed! I'm sure a lot of people, including OP, would find it useful.

Any volunteers?

Oh @Lordofthebutterfloofs it's such an awful situation, and so very difficult to deal with! Especially because of your beloved grandfather.

I'm here to tell you though, that I did this when my dcs were exactly the same ages as yours, and they are now in their thirties!

It's been a very difficult and painful thing in my life, yet I have to say the upsides have been completely worth it. At the beginning (where you are now) it was like a bereavement, mixed in with intense fear and anxiety, guilt, doubt... as well as a distant smidgeon of relief.

Over the years, apart from a couple of failed attempts at communication, which actually served to confirm to me that I made the right decision, there has been no contact, and the relief has increased. But the sadness that it had to be this way hasn't gone.

I did the right thing for myself. And I did the right thing for my children. I was free to be a better mother as I didn't have to devote my emotions and mental energy to 'managing' my m's abusive behaviour or keeping myself sane.

So many years later, I still suffer occasional sadness, but really I know this was the only way. Now I feel sad for her that she is so damaged that she is unable to have any satisfactory relationships with anyone. That she has missed out on a meaningful relationship with the good daughter I was, and would have continued to be, and had the capacity to be, if only she'd not felt entitled to behave so appallingly. That she has missed out on her grandchildren. That I have missed her, (while not missing her abusive behaviour) that I haven't been allowed to have a decent mother. Even now I'm sad about that.

I read a phrase on here the other day, someone saying they were going to write a book about people who take this step, calling us circuit breakers. And I thought yes, that's what I am. I'm proud to have broken that circuit, and to have decent, loving and mutually respectful relationships with my own dcs. I no longer feel shame or doubt or guilt for having done this. But I still feel sad sometimes. And that's actually ok.

It will get easier

Circuit-breaker - great name. 💪

I am so glad you are past the worst of it Joy, my throat was closing up with sorrow & suffocation just reading it.

Also wanted to say thanks to you & @Lordofthebutterfloofs for the heads-up on the Stately Homes threads. I haven't visited for years as ... (insert tortured analogy about triggers/spoons) - that's my own shit to manage, but your food for thought at least means I won't be directing PP there willy-nilly now.

Have posted elsethread today about your concept of circuit breakers, which I hoped gave some encouragement to its OP - parents who consciously chose to stop the cycle of intergenerational abuse are HEROES, to my mind.

Cheers to all the heroes here, may the goddess bless you with peaceful & happy home lives.

Apologies @FantasticButtocks it was YOU who explained about circuit breakers - thank you!

There are 3 posters updating closely together, each with "butt" making up part of the username, I got confused

No, thank YOU it was you whose comment I'd read earlier on another thread I think. But your description made me recognise myself and then feel proud of what I've done 🙏🙏🙏