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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not interested in sex and OH gets angry when I say no

53 replies

Lonely37 · 31/12/2022 09:47

We’ve been together for 10 years.. 3 kids, mulling along okay. I started taking medication for my depression and anxiety and I am in therapy for PTSD which dates back to my childhood/teens. Not sure it if it is connected but I am just not interested in sex.
during the day OH will randomly touch me and I don’t just mean the odd bum slap, he will randomly grab at my breast even if I ask him not to and he will ask me continuously why I don’t want it or why I don’t like it. I don’t want to be constantly groped. So I don’t know if this has contributed to my lack of desire to dtd.

I have discussed with him the possibility that it could be my medication. He wanted me to start taking it, he was constantly telling me I needed to see a doctor for my mental health for a long while before I took the step to doing so. However no reason is ever good enough. If I say I don’t want it he will either say “well it’s tough because I do” or he will threaten to get it elsewhere.

Am I normal or is there something wrong with me? What should I do?

OP posts:
Afterfire · 31/12/2022 09:51

Dump your abusive husband.

Notmyyearthisyear · 31/12/2022 09:53

Your partner sounds selfish and disrespectful. He will try and make you feel there’s something wrong with you. I’m afraid it doesn’t sound like a happy supportive relationship to me. Discuss it with your therapist and work on some assertive responses in such situations as the first step.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 31/12/2022 09:59

Sex is a normal part of a relationship, like eating and drinking...some people like lots and some a little.

But it's unfair to just decide that you don't want it ever and the other person should shut up and put up.

Ok so he isn't going about it in the correct manner and conveying his thoughts articulately. But you can't just decide he is now in a sexless relationship.

Have you spoken to your doctor about the side affects and discussed this at your therapy sessions?

Too many women cut off sex to their husbands and partners, thinking things are fine and it's a mutual agreement, and then wonder why the relationship breaks down and their partner leaves for someone else.

(Illness aside obviously)

category12 · 31/12/2022 10:01

No woman on earth would want sex with someone who was constantly grabbing her and pressuring her for sex.

It sounds like you have come out of an abusive background into the arms of an abusive husband.

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2022 10:19

Your husband is sexually assaulting you everytime he grabs at you knowing you don’t want him to - you’re married to a predator and his behaviour is abusive. Tell him he’s free to go elsewhere; in fact you encourage it because you’re divorcing him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/12/2022 10:19

What category 12 wrote.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Bedazzled22 · 31/12/2022 10:33

Agree with category. He sounds awful

Ofcourseshecan · 31/12/2022 10:38

Sex is part of most marriages, and if one partner unilaterally decides to stop it, it’s natural that the other one feels wronged. And for both of you, the loss of that intimacy could be causing a downward spiral in your wellbeing as well as in your feelings for each other.

It sounds as if your husband is being unsympathetic about the PTSD which may be causing your loss of interest. He’s responding clumsily and it’s making you feel worse.

Do try to get him to sit down and talk things through. Couple counselling may be able to help. Otherwise, you both have tough decisions to make. If you are otherwise happy together, it really is worth trying to save your marriage

Bosk · 31/12/2022 10:39

If I say I don’t want it he will either say “well it’s tough because I do” or he will threaten to get it elsewhere.

And then what happens? Does he go ahead anyway?

longtompot · 31/12/2022 10:42

Is this recent behaviour from him or has he always been like this? I suspect the latter but because maybe you've been more up for sex in the past you've just gone along with it. No man needs to have sex and you writing him saying it's tough when you say you don't want to is worrying. Does he do it anyway?
Being groped all day is a real turn off. It would make me feel like an object

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/12/2022 10:42

I very much doubt such a man like described would ever talk in front of a counsellor.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. And op is being abused here by him.

Hugasauras · 31/12/2022 10:43

There's 'responding clumsily' and there is threatening to cheat on his wife and sexually assaulting her. Don't make excuses for this prick of a man please.

melissasummerfield · 31/12/2022 10:43

Ofcourseshecan · 31/12/2022 10:38

Sex is part of most marriages, and if one partner unilaterally decides to stop it, it’s natural that the other one feels wronged. And for both of you, the loss of that intimacy could be causing a downward spiral in your wellbeing as well as in your feelings for each other.

It sounds as if your husband is being unsympathetic about the PTSD which may be causing your loss of interest. He’s responding clumsily and it’s making you feel worse.

Do try to get him to sit down and talk things through. Couple counselling may be able to help. Otherwise, you both have tough decisions to make. If you are otherwise happy together, it really is worth trying to save your marriage

You have really low standards if you think continuing to demand sex with threats if the OP says no is ‘clumsy’

OP your husband is a disgusting prick, tell him to go and get it elsewhere then as you want a divorce.

beastlyslumber · 31/12/2022 10:46

He's sexually assaulting and abusing you. I suggest this is something for you to talk about with your therapist. How can you heal from trauma when you are constantly being assaulted and abused?

category12 · 31/12/2022 10:51

Ofcourseshecan · 31/12/2022 10:43

It's not the same situation as hopefully the op over there is not assaulting his wife all the live long day.

YoBeaches · 31/12/2022 10:52

That's sexual assaults I'm afraid. Husband or not. He doesn't have a right to your body.

Meds can cause changes in your libido. And so can being married to an abusive prick.

Keeps the meds. Ditch the husband. Do you need help?

Tomatobear · 31/12/2022 10:56

I'm sure your sex drive would return with a vengeance if you were to have it with someone decent, unlike this disrespectful pig. Who wants to have sex with a man that horrible?

Hope you're ok OP

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 31/12/2022 10:58

I'm not suprised you don't feel like sex, the thought of someone randomly grabbing my breast is not something that will ever make me feel horny!

It's all very well some people saying that it's not fair on your DH to be in a sexless relationship, but this is a chicken and egg situation e.g. have you forced your DH into a sexless relationship, or has he in fact forced you into a sexless relationship by continously sexually assaulting you? I'm guessing the latter.

Either way you need to leave him. Someone who tells you 'tough because I do' when you don't want to have sex is not someone you should be putting up with.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/12/2022 10:59

Your problem is that you are living with a really awful man.

Megifer · 31/12/2022 11:03

I was with that post mostly until I got to the clumsy bit.

Don't minimise this by suggesting ops disgusting h is clumsily threatening to rape and cheat on his wife please.

Herejustforthisone · 31/12/2022 11:05

Your husband is abusive. And it sounds like he’s on the cusp of becoming a rapist, or unfaithful, or both.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/12/2022 11:08

However no reason is ever good enough. If I say I don’t want it he will either say “well it’s tough because I do” or he will threaten to get it elsewhere.

This line is very concerning. When he says, "it's tough because I do", what happens next? Do you relent? Or do you still say no?

Dietgonetoshit · 31/12/2022 11:12

Agree about the "it's tough" and "get it elsewhere" line. Even if was a joke, it's not funny, it's insensitive. If he's being serious then I'd be looking at my options.

Sex pest bordering rapist isn't sexy.

I feel concerned for you. He sounds overbearing.

GCAcademic · 31/12/2022 11:12

If I say I don’t want it he will either say “well it’s tough because I do” or he will threaten to get it elsewhere.

This man has clearly stated his willingness to rape or cheat. The marriage is over.

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