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Original poster

Not interested in sex and OH gets angry when I say no

53 replies

Lonely37 · 31/12/2022 09:47

We’ve been together for 10 years.. 3 kids, mulling along okay. I started taking medication for my depression and anxiety and I am in therapy for PTSD which dates back to my childhood/teens. Not sure it if it is connected but I am just not interested in sex.
during the day OH will randomly touch me and I don’t just mean the odd bum slap, he will randomly grab at my breast even if I ask him not to and he will ask me continuously why I don’t want it or why I don’t like it. I don’t want to be constantly groped. So I don’t know if this has contributed to my lack of desire to dtd.

I have discussed with him the possibility that it could be my medication. He wanted me to start taking it, he was constantly telling me I needed to see a doctor for my mental health for a long while before I took the step to doing so. However no reason is ever good enough. If I say I don’t want it he will either say “well it’s tough because I do” or he will threaten to get it elsewhere.

Am I normal or is there something wrong with me? What should I do?

OP posts:
christmasfairy22 · 31/12/2022 11:15

When I went off sex with my exh - it was because our relationship was shit and I hated him even being in the same room as me, let alone inside of me. Our relationship was dead.

It took me a long time to leave, way too long, and we even went to therapy to discuss the lack of sex.

I wish the therapist had told me lack of interest in sex is because there's no other connection between you to, so of course there's no sex.

You need to work on creating connections outside of the bedroom, then the sex will follow.

Your H sounds like a creep and an arsehole, meds aside, hardly surprising you don't want to have sex with him. His lack of capacity to understand his part in this tells you everything about the kind of person he is.

Toomanysleepycats · 31/12/2022 11:23

A side effect of antidepressants is lack of libido.

Your DH’s behaviour won’t be helping either.

Perhaps if you can find some articles about this to show your husband he will understand it’s the medication.

Where you go from there I don’t know. It’s not an easy problem to solve. I have personal experience of this. Same with the groping and being told I should take it as a compliment that my husband still found me desirable. FFS!

Lettingthishappen · 31/12/2022 11:24

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 31/12/2022 09:59

Sex is a normal part of a relationship, like eating and drinking...some people like lots and some a little.

But it's unfair to just decide that you don't want it ever and the other person should shut up and put up.

Ok so he isn't going about it in the correct manner and conveying his thoughts articulately. But you can't just decide he is now in a sexless relationship.

Have you spoken to your doctor about the side affects and discussed this at your therapy sessions?

Too many women cut off sex to their husbands and partners, thinking things are fine and it's a mutual agreement, and then wonder why the relationship breaks down and their partner leaves for someone else.

(Illness aside obviously)

Her partner is abusive.

Too many men also ‘cut off’ sex to their wives and partners… hopefully the women don’t just grab their balls and threaten them though.

OldFan · 31/12/2022 11:36

It's not you OP, he's abusive. Grabbing you like that when you don't want is sexual assault. Getting angry, or threatening to go elsewhere, is sexual coercion.

Please don't come off your medication in the hope you might want to shag him more- I did that once and just became really ill, so my sexually coercive partner who said I should stop the meds in case they were suppressing my libido probably got less sex, rather than more. Your health is far more important.

He sounds absolutely dreadful and I hope you will separate from him when you're ready, so you can live in peace.

I have a severe mental health disability and I live by myself perfectly happily. It mightn't be the tidiest flat but I'm fine. If I go through a rough patch I turn to services for a medication change.

pinneddownbytabbies · 31/12/2022 11:37

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 31/12/2022 09:59

Sex is a normal part of a relationship, like eating and drinking...some people like lots and some a little.

But it's unfair to just decide that you don't want it ever and the other person should shut up and put up.

Ok so he isn't going about it in the correct manner and conveying his thoughts articulately. But you can't just decide he is now in a sexless relationship.

Have you spoken to your doctor about the side affects and discussed this at your therapy sessions?

Too many women cut off sex to their husbands and partners, thinking things are fine and it's a mutual agreement, and then wonder why the relationship breaks down and their partner leaves for someone else.

(Illness aside obviously)

The OP has not 'decided' and there is nothing unfair about it. Nor should she feel that she should oblige even though she doesn't want to.

Sexual desire is not something that you decide to switch on or off - it is either there or it isn't. There may or may not be a medical reason, and if desire isn't there, then yes, that person is fully entitled to reject unwanted sexual advances.

Mabelface · 31/12/2022 12:08

Lack of libido can be a side effect of living with an abusive prick.

CousinKrispy · 31/12/2022 12:20

Jesus Christ. Feeling lack of desire because of mental health difficulties, medication, or most crucially because your partner is assaulting and disrespecting you is not "deciding" not to have sex. Desire isn't something you switch on and off deliberately in that way, but it can certainly be killed stone dead by being treated like a piece of meat.

Some people on this thread need to raise their standards.

CousinKrispy · 31/12/2022 12:25

Anyhow. OP, do you have access to any individual counseling ATM? It could help you on multiple fronts. Not because there's something "wrong" with you, but because you're in a difficult situation and could do with some clarity and confidence building.

Afterfire · 31/12/2022 12:26

CousinKrispy · 31/12/2022 12:20

Jesus Christ. Feeling lack of desire because of mental health difficulties, medication, or most crucially because your partner is assaulting and disrespecting you is not "deciding" not to have sex. Desire isn't something you switch on and off deliberately in that way, but it can certainly be killed stone dead by being treated like a piece of meat.

Some people on this thread need to raise their standards.

Absolutely this.

Anyone would think when you say “I do” you’re entering some sort of sexual contract ffs. Life isn’t like that.

ThePear · 31/12/2022 12:27

It seems OP is not married, she never referred to the man as a husband, which is good. Easy to dump.

Your boyfriend is a sexual abuser OP, I’m sorry you think his threats and assaults are normal, that’s horrifying. Can you house yourself? What steps do you need to take to get the abuser out of your house and life?

QueenSmartypants · 31/12/2022 12:27

Completely normal to not want to be sexually assaulted.

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 12:31

Let him jog on and ‘get it elsewhere’ - he sounds insufferable.

Dillydollydingdong · 31/12/2022 12:32

Tell him he's welcome to look for sex elsewhere if he wants it so badly.

LaLuz7 · 31/12/2022 12:32

Sex is a normal part of a relationship, like eating and drinking...some people like lots and some a little.

uhm no. You die if you stop eating or drinking entirely.

No one has ever dies from lack of sex. Sex is not a need in the true sense of the word. It's a drive that can be controlled.

And he's not being "clumsy". He's being sexually coercive. He's free to leave. He's not free to harras and abuse.

God your standards in men are low...

MintJulia · 31/12/2022 12:33

category12 · 31/12/2022 10:01

No woman on earth would want sex with someone who was constantly grabbing her and pressuring her for sex.

It sounds like you have come out of an abusive background into the arms of an abusive husband.

This.

You need to make it clear to your dh that his behaviour is criminal sexual assault and he needs to stop immediately.

You will go back to the GP (when you can get an appointment) and talk about your libido/prescription, but until then he needs to back off.

And if he doesn't, tell him to leave.

If he won't, report him to the police.

QueenSmartypants · 31/12/2022 12:39

Ofcourseshecan · 31/12/2022 10:38

Sex is part of most marriages, and if one partner unilaterally decides to stop it, it’s natural that the other one feels wronged. And for both of you, the loss of that intimacy could be causing a downward spiral in your wellbeing as well as in your feelings for each other.

It sounds as if your husband is being unsympathetic about the PTSD which may be causing your loss of interest. He’s responding clumsily and it’s making you feel worse.

Do try to get him to sit down and talk things through. Couple counselling may be able to help. Otherwise, you both have tough decisions to make. If you are otherwise happy together, it really is worth trying to save your marriage

What is it with all the rape apologists on these threads at the moment?!

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 31/12/2022 12:40

Some of the responses here appalling.

If I say I don’t want it he will either say “well it’s tough because I do”
well, that’s rape if he has sex with you despite you saying no. That’s not ‘clumsy’ ffs, that’s a crime.

go back to your doctor and tell them about the side effects and how exactly it is impacting your marriage. Tell them the truth. Dont sugarcoat. Discuss options with them. Think about whether the marriage is worth saving.

newtb · 31/12/2022 12:42

Tell him to 'fuck off' and file for divorce

Afterfire · 31/12/2022 12:44

QueenSmartypants · 31/12/2022 12:39

What is it with all the rape apologists on these threads at the moment?!

Show quote history

I think a load of people have come here from other forums, a lot of them (not all) men to be honest. It’s so irritating. Thankfully most of us see them for what they are. Arseholes.

OldFan · 31/12/2022 12:45

I'd just like to echo PP's if I haven't already that this is sexual assault. He's also threatening you with rape (or raping you if he goes ahead) when he says 'it's tough because I do.' Angry

SuperFly123 · 31/12/2022 12:45

Leave him. Right now. Or better yet tell him to leave and that your marriage is over.

OldFan · 31/12/2022 12:47

What is it with all the rape apologists on these threads at the moment?!

Yes there seem to be a far more people on all these sorts of threads, saying women should have sex when they don't want it.

Which is depressing and aggravating to see. Sad

drpet49 · 31/12/2022 12:54

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 31/12/2022 09:59

Sex is a normal part of a relationship, like eating and drinking...some people like lots and some a little.

But it's unfair to just decide that you don't want it ever and the other person should shut up and put up.

Ok so he isn't going about it in the correct manner and conveying his thoughts articulately. But you can't just decide he is now in a sexless relationship.

Have you spoken to your doctor about the side affects and discussed this at your therapy sessions?

Too many women cut off sex to their husbands and partners, thinking things are fine and it's a mutual agreement, and then wonder why the relationship breaks down and their partner leaves for someone else.

(Illness aside obviously)

I agree. Time for you to split up

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/12/2022 12:55

This issue isn’t going to go away

he will continue to want sex , which isn’t actually unreasonable

you will continue to not want to have sex , unless something changes at your end

whilst he should not get angry and makes threats……

this board is also full of sad women who’s partners don’t want sex and everyone says the same - leave him

its your call , if you think he’s a keeper I’d try and address the issue

If you have totally gone off him now
then make plans to separate

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 31/12/2022 13:00

this board is also full of sad women who’s partners don’t want sex and everyone says the same - leave him

And none of them say - try grabbing him by the balls and if that doesn't work tell him 'tough because I want sex'

I'm not sure why we are advising women whose partners are sexually assaulting them to work out if their partner is a 'keeper'. It should be blatantly fucking obvious he's not worth keeping

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