DM controlling and I'm at breaking point

[justneedarant]

I've had to move back in with the parents. Divorce. Fucking mess.

Kids are here half the time.

DM is on paper the perfect mum. Always fussing over guests. Making sure everyone's happy. Feeding etc. but I've noticed over the years it's always to her standards. She puts food on your plate without asking. Huffs and makes comments about all this food going to waste if no one eats it

I have a massively unhealthy attitude towards food as a result

Anyway. She's just controlling. Every fucking day. There's something I'm not doing right. Something I'm judged on.

The other week we were due to go out for the day with the kids. I'd just started my period and put some (wrapped up) sanitary stuff in the bathroom bin. She asks me out of nowhere - do you need to go to the chemist. I looked really confused. And she said oh nothing. It was only later I twigged. Shit like that.

I'm losing my mind. My dad is ill and in the middle of this. I don't want my kids to see the bad atmosphere. I fucking hate it. And no. I've got nowhere else to go. And can't afford to go...

OK as I said, I apologize for where I misunderstood. I made assumptions based on what was posted. Sounds like a difficult situation all round and I hope you resolve it and get your own place before too long.

Do you feel she has gone back into parent mode?

I think you need to be very honest, I’d tell your mother you love her but you’re an adult and need a certain amount of space and autonomy to raise you’re family. It’s nothing personal and you appreciate the help but that she needs to back off a little and just let you get on with what you need to.

This situation will only be resolved with communication, even if it’s unpleasant to discuss.

Thanks @PublicTransport I appreciate that. I also know I'm just ranting too... it's just been so hard. My dad is seriously ill and I only found out yesterday he's been hiding a new symptom for about three weeks. Decided the best way to deal with it was sending a letter to his GP! I spoke to a pharmacist who was like no this needs urgent investigation. It's things like this worry me about them. My mum can't cope with this. And it's fine but they need to let me help.

@Mumuser124 thanks. I've had that talk. Numerous times. Over the years before I had kids and after. She has always interfered but as we've not been too nearby it's been at arms length and we could cope

Just remembered once I went out for a run and came back and found her loitering outside my house. She'd sent a text. Not important. But not had a response (running and headphones). So had got on a train and come to my house to check up on me. Didn't want to ring the doorbell as that would mean I would know she was there. So I found out hiding about 50m from my house in the dark when I came home.

Stuff like that. All my life.

Yup all this resonates with me. Once went there for Christmas - huge turkey for big family lunch, so we wrapped it up in foil the night before (Delia's cooking method of choice). DM got up at 3am to unwrap the turkey and rewrap it with the foil facing the other way round - I had, apparently, got the foil the wrong way round...... And I had done the wrapping under her direction and because she was complaining bitterly of a bad back which meant she was unable to lift said huge turkey. It is indeed like death by a thousand cuts and until you live it you have no idea how soul destroying it is. And then the maladies that magically occur before any family event, or even better during it, so that the centre of attention is her at all times. I suspect that, subconsciously, as you are having a traumatic time, as is your DF, she feels that people's attention is focussed away from her - this is her way of getting it back on herself.

Honestly OP, she sounds abusive & toxic and I'd be keeping your kids as far away from her as physically possible as soon as you possibly can. Having to justify every mouthful is bang out of order and all of her behaviour (not just the food related stuff, but all of the controlling, coercive stuff) within a romantic relationship would quite possibly be criminal under the new coercive control laws

@SchnauzerEyebrows thanks. I don't know if at that point. It's so hard because on the outside people will just say - as they have on this thread - but she's trying to be helpful. She's just being nice. Everything is with everyone's best interests. Making sure we eat healthily etc. how can she be a monster? I just feel like moving in and having it 24/7 has made me realise how bad it is.

Both kids were tearful at bedtime. And that breaks my heart

The last thing she said to me today was when I told her I was upset about the chemist/period thing. I told her what she said. And she completely gaslit me and acted like I was crazy. If she had said I don't remember this conversation I'd have been fine. But she just looked at me and said - you're strange. And I had to walk away.

I don't think i can come back from that.

I completely & totally relate as my mum is very similar (especially that last part). I have a lot of childhood based issues that I need answers to and I can’t seem to be able to get them as I get completely gaslit and made out to be trouble causing.
I also lived with my Mum (my Dad has sadly passed away) with my then-3 month old until she was 9 months and Omg! It was hell. Every single god damn THING I did, was questioned. Even how I stand whilst making a cup of tea or what I'm wearing. How I folded my baby's babygrows, the default look on my face whilst I'm doing nothing, what I'm eating, what my baby was wearing, everything. But from the outside looking in, it will have just looked like a caring mother doing what she can to show she cares 😡

Even now, 7 almost 8 years later, I have to tell her multiple times per week that I don't need/want what she's saying. She took my DD for a walk today and the first thing she said was "Make sure she's got a coat" 😳😳😳😳
It was 7°.
Of-bloody-course she's got a coat & gloves etc. Ffs. Yet if I was to give that as an example to anyone who hasn't been there & doesn't get it, I'd sound hypersensitive or hyper critical of her!
If I pulled her up on why she felt the need to say that, it'd be Gaslight Central. Why am I bringing up such a minor, insignificant thing!?! Tut tut tut.........

You just need to accept you made a mistake going back home with your kids! Your mother is at home with a husband who is unwell. She really does not need you and your divorce traumas. You need to find a property to rent for yourself and your kids. If this is unaffordable to you then talk to your soon to be ex husband and sort things out.

she doesn't need you with your divorce traumas?!?!

WTH? What a nasty thing to say to someone when they're already upset? Bloody hell

Are you on the list for local authority housing? Maybe you need to be if you aren’t as it doesn’t sound like living with your parents is going to be a good space for you all.

I just wanted to say I understand what a difficult situation you are in, and you are not alone in dealing with a difficult person like this. There is a lot of information on you tube and podcasts if you look up covert passive aggressive narcissists, narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse. If you can see what is going on and realise other people are also suffering the same harm as you it will help you maintain your sanity. Also it will be helpful to find age appropriate ways to help your children as it sounds like this situation is affecting them.

I will be honest, I work with people who are in controlling relationships and this isn't really "controlling".

She may be difficult but not controlling and i think you need to look at ways of coping with the emotions she is triggering.

God op its very intense.. my mother the same. I have no major advice. Is this short term. She ask my sister how they afforded their holidays no filter. !! Its tiring though. How do kids get on with her?

I really relate op. My mum would pull this shit if she could. I can feel my blood pressure riding thinking about it.

People dont get it if parent is easy. Op feel for you. My mother is quite hard work..

I can almost relate. I'm living with my in-laws with my family because we couldn't afford to live anymore. And it will be a LONG time before we can buy. We've been here a year. It's hard going but just make space for yourself and keep out the way is my only real suggestion
Stay strong 💜

Is anyone around?

I'm still here and can't move out.

I tried to make a Chinese New Year lunch for everyone. Ten minutes before I serve up she walks out. Goes for a walk. Offers to take the kids. I'm like are you kidding. It's ten minutes?

But no. Off she goes.

She was rude and judgmental as I was making lunch. And I foolishly thought I could ask her about it tonight. I just wanted to know why she went out. I told her i found it rude

And she just fucking went down the whole I know you hate me route. I said she'd pushed me away into this.

Oh I caught her going into my bedroom last week. She apologised as my dad told her off. But I said her calling me crazy has hurt me more and she still hadn't apologised.

Things got heated and then she said well maybe you are crazy.

I walked off. I can't even bear it. I can't calm down. I feel so fuckjng sick.

Sympathies, OP.

Hey op, just to say I 100% relate to your post, and you should look into narcissistic mothers, sounds like she is on that spectrum. I recently had this revelation whilst in counselling, and it is so relieving when you understand what is happening in that relationship, but the important thing to remember is that it isn't you, it's her and the toxic behaviours she has learned/developed which unfortunately she focuses on you and your children. It's not something you can change or control, so it will be about developing boundaries to protect yourself, and the sooner you can get physical boundaries away from her the better!

Has anyone suggested the Stately Homes thread?

If you can't detach, why not claim Universal Credit and move out to a rental until your house is sold? Unless you have other family/friends who can offer you a temporary home?

Thank you

Just feeling a bit exhausted.

It just hurts that I told her how much being told I was crazy hurt. And she goes and does it again

Please can someone point me in the direction of the stately homes thread? I'm just being dense and I can't see it.

Someone mentioned narcissism before. I don't know if she fits the traditional category. She's more like the needs to be needed person. She's never been the centre of attention. But martyr type of thing. That's why it's always hard to point out the controlling. No one would ever believe this sweet little old lady could be like this.

Thanks for the recommendation on universal credit. I'm freelance so I tend to try to keep some savings just in case which pushes me over the threshold. Ive reached out to my brother but he doesn't have space. Just wanted a hand hold from him.

She is your mum, she gives you food like to a small child, my mum has not done this for me the last 27 years, I am 45 now. You have where to live, financial support, the kids have grandma. Is she abusive or just a nagging old woman? Without money what are you going to do?

Think this is the current one - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=24

What do you mean?

I think gas lighting me and calling me crazy is abusive.

I think all the shit she does with swapping my water glass. Refusing to make me coffee. Making snide comments about my weight loss. (Having made snide comments when I was overweight) Putting food on my plate after I've helped myself. Repeatedly offering food when I've said no. Not letting me make my own food. Walking out when I'm about to serve up. I call that odd behaviour if not abusive.

I only moved in to be in the area for kids schools. I can't buy or even rent until the house is sold.

But also the plan was to be around to provide respite care. Help out. She isn't in control of my dads meds. And I've been organising drs and bank stuff as she can't do it.

But yeah I'd rather be living in a shit hole than here right now.