DM controlling and I'm at breaking point

[justneedarant]

I've had to move back in with the parents. Divorce. Fucking mess.

Kids are here half the time.

DM is on paper the perfect mum. Always fussing over guests. Making sure everyone's happy. Feeding etc. but I've noticed over the years it's always to her standards. She puts food on your plate without asking. Huffs and makes comments about all this food going to waste if no one eats it

I have a massively unhealthy attitude towards food as a result

Anyway. She's just controlling. Every fucking day. There's something I'm not doing right. Something I'm judged on.

The other week we were due to go out for the day with the kids. I'd just started my period and put some (wrapped up) sanitary stuff in the bathroom bin. She asks me out of nowhere - do you need to go to the chemist. I looked really confused. And she said oh nothing. It was only later I twigged. Shit like that.

I'm losing my mind. My dad is ill and in the middle of this. I don't want my kids to see the bad atmosphere. I fucking hate it. And no. I've got nowhere else to go. And can't afford to go...

@justneedarant I am sorry I don't have time to leave a longer post as I need to get ready for work. I just want to say I feel for you, your mother is an absolute nightmare.
For those who don't suffer a similar situation will never understand you and will minimise it, so please don't listen to that.
I don't know how to share threats but please search in MN for "Narcissistic mothers and their victims" and you will find a threat where you will feel heard
Mind yourself, it's nothing you are doing. It's her, she is not a happy person.

Goodness me, I recognise so much of what you've written here.

I've recently moved into the Granny flat at my DMs and the only reason I did it is because she physically cannot come into my house and interfere due to physical disability.

No way would I have ever moved in when she was mobile.

I help her by making sure she is fed etc (paid carers come in for personal care) but it's never good enough...

I recognise the death by 1,000 cuts, it is constant. Once when my DS was 14 months old and I was feeding him I counted the number of 'helpful' suggestions she made in an hour (and they were predominantly where I did things differently to her and weren't in any way wrong). 53..... 53 bloody suggestions in an hour. She barely took breathe in between her suggestions/advice/hints/complaints. At the 1 hour mark I completely lost it with her. She pulled back a bit for a few days but then slowly started again. (We were staying for 5 weeks as visiting Australia from UK).

It Does Not Stop.

I've found the best way is to turn it back on her with a question. "What do you mean by that?" "Why would you do that?" And "Did you just say X?"

Memorable last one was I was making my DC ill because I didn't use enough salt and the WHOLE world used salt and I was the ONLY one that didn't (I do, just not the huge quantities she does.) I repeated it back to her. "Did you just say...?" "Yes, that's right." So I asked her if she heard what was coming out of her mouth and how crazy she sounded. And I bought ready meals for her for the next 3 days and refused to cook for her.....

It has been quiet in the salt front for 2 weeks now...

If you live with someone else they are bound to get on your nerves. I'm sure there's plenty she'll be rightly or wrongly annoyed about. The key is moving out and getting your own space.

She is certainly a bloody nightmare and always has been too. I see that you mention a favoured sibling; narcissistic family structures often have these and those roles are also interchangeable.

Do post in the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread that was referenced earlier by another poster.

Do read this article as well
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/understanding-narcissism/201805/why-is-your-narcissistic-mother-obsessed-your-weight

OMG the SALT!! I get that too. I questioned how much salt both my parents add to their food a while ago - which is a lot (pasta tasting like it's cooked in seawater being my personal favourite) - and ever since there is an ostentatious adding of salt to food, an insistence that salt is good for you and is essential and you MUST eat salt. So weird!

I'm so sorry people know what I mean by this

I have the opposite thing with salt! She doesn't like to use any. Until I met ex dh I'd never even seasoned a meal. Now she acts like I'm crazy for adding a sprinkle

I haven't spoken to her since. She wrote a letter and left it out. She writes letters to me a lot. It's the same stuff. Apologising. And then we go again

My dad has cornered me as it's their 50th wedding anniversary soon. We're meant to be having a big meal. I can't imagine anything worse. But now I'm under pressure because if I don't I'll be the evil one ruining their day.

Uggh I would hate this so much. Grit your teeth - hope the end is in sight?