DM controlling and I'm at breaking point

[justneedarant]

I've had to move back in with the parents. Divorce. Fucking mess.

Kids are here half the time.

DM is on paper the perfect mum. Always fussing over guests. Making sure everyone's happy. Feeding etc. but I've noticed over the years it's always to her standards. She puts food on your plate without asking. Huffs and makes comments about all this food going to waste if no one eats it

I have a massively unhealthy attitude towards food as a result

Anyway. She's just controlling. Every fucking day. There's something I'm not doing right. Something I'm judged on.

The other week we were due to go out for the day with the kids. I'd just started my period and put some (wrapped up) sanitary stuff in the bathroom bin. She asks me out of nowhere - do you need to go to the chemist. I looked really confused. And she said oh nothing. It was only later I twigged. Shit like that.

I'm losing my mind. My dad is ill and in the middle of this. I don't want my kids to see the bad atmosphere. I fucking hate it. And no. I've got nowhere else to go. And can't afford to go...

I'm sorry OP - that sounds really hard.

Would you feel better if you made a plan - you said you're waiting for the family home to sell, can you push that along? See a financial advisor on what your next steps are? Consider moving to a cheaper area if money is an issue? If you can see an end in sight that might help.

I had to move back home for 4 months last year after I sold and couldn't find a rental or a house to buy. I realised my mum is hugely anxious and she 'manages' this by being very controlling. She was very upset if I wanted a wash put on a different temperature to 40 degrees or longer than a 20 minute wash (yes I was paying rent and bills). Sheets had to be changed on a specific day and time. She had to get her paper at the dame time daily. Food had to be in the fridge in a specific way with nothing behind each other. She had fixed ideas on food and timings. I am nd (she doesn't really believe it!) And I suspect she is but have never told her. She is hugely nosy too and used to remake my bed as it wasn't to her perfection. She will also open any post if it arrives at hers. I am in my 40s but she wouldn't trust me to hang washing up correctly, take my debit card out or make her a cup of coffee. I really had to bite my tongue. I found it very hard. I knew there was an end date though.

Can you rent a temp home? Even 1 bedroom the dc can share and you have the lounge? I had a sofa bed for a good while. Your mh won't last until your house is sold imo op
..

God I read your post and it made me want to cry. I recognise so much in this.

You're out now? I hope you're okay now

Just remembered coming back last week from dcs swimming. And she had a towel waiting and started drying their hair the minute they got in. It's just this constant undermining of everything I do. (They dont have a shower at the sports centre so I always get them a bath at home. So no point drying hair twice in my opinion)

It's funny you mention the anxiety. I think that is very true with my mum. She is the voice of doom. Literally goes to the worst possible scenario. I think that's how her mind works. So to calm things she controls things as much as she can

I had a hair band halfway up my arm the other day. To get out of the way of the bath or something I can't remember. My Dc said why's that like that? And she immediately went - are you hurt?! And it's like no. Why is that your response? It's so exhausting

Come on op she can do exactly what she fancies in her own house. There are always problems when two households merge temporarily but in this case it's you that have to compromise not her. Biting the hand that feeds you is not a good look. And of course you do have other options. If she didn't exist what would you have done? If she is so terrible to live with then move out and do whatever you would have done if you hadn't had her to rely on.

I get that.

I don't think her gaslighting me and calling me crazy was acceptable though

I've always tried to be helpful and understanding of coming into their household. My dad has been keen to keep it as fairly separate floors - perhaps sensing what would happen.

It's less about the house to be honest. More about the lifelong way she's treated me. And now my kids

I think you need to make plans to get out ASAP, OP unless your divorce and financial settlement is imminent. It's affecting your kids, too. Talk to the council and looking into private rental, even if it's out of the area.

It sounds really tiresome OP because passive aggressive mothers are just death by a thousand cuts.

If you are staying, you have got to find strategies and ways of dealing with her because it will not stop.

Grey rocking is a good start. Push push on the divorce, look ahead and start planning for a new life.

Passive aggressive people are unhappy people. You have a chance to be happy - don't let this drive you crazy. It's probably what she would like.

I also have a difficult, martyr, mother, so I really empathise.

I think the main thing is to singlemindedly focus on your escape plan. Can you do anything to speed the house sale? Apologies if I've missed it, but is there a reason you can't live there at the moment? If this risks ruining your mental health, arguably its worth digging into your savings to get out sooner.

If you really have to stay, grey rock. Your mum's gonna be crazy, you're not going to change years of crazy, so instead you need a strategy to survive with your sanity intact. Don't engage with any crazy discussions. Don't bother bringing things up to try to get an apology. There is no chance, in the long term, of "winning" or making her see reason. And you don't need her to. You know the truth. Anyone with a mother like this knows the truth. Hold onto that fact.

Adopt a really dull and bored tone of voice, or say nothing.

Do you want food. "No thanks." But you must be hungry "No thanks" But its so tasty "No thanks" Sandwiches are going to waste. "That's a shame" But you shouldn't have cooked soup when there were sandwiches. "Oh dear, what a shame"

She wants to go out 10 minutes before lunch, "ok mum"

If she gaslights you, "oh, I guess we remember that differently." But she's right and you're wrong... "oh, right" Maybe you're crazy... shrug (or your tactic of walking off seemed perfectly reasonable too)

And stop inviting her on trips out with your kids, they need your focus on them right now.

And I wish I did not know how to do the above.

But with some types of people its the only sane tactic. You're not alone.

Yes good tactic. Considering your mother as an psychological matter and not a personal one may help. You need to get good at putting mental distance between you if you cannot have physical distance.

It helps if you can imagine a literal piece of glass between you.

Move out then. MN is full of threads by women who have no help and nowhere to go - somehow they survive. Imagine your parents didn't exist and do what you'd do in that situation.

I can only sympathise with you as my mother is the same, if not worse. Constantly complaining about my sister and I and now my niece. I can spend all day doing everything for her but I do one thing wrong (not cleaning the sink properly for example) and that’s it. She’s in a rage. She complained to my sister that she hadn’t made her desert and I pointed out she could have done it herself. Another temper tantrum. If we dare to argue back she shouts and cries. It’s exhausting and none of us enjoy spending time with her.

on a purely practical level have you considered a day plan / week plan on the fridge?

monday - I will get my own breakfast, am working for the day and will eat lunch at work. Dinner I’m having soup from the fridge.
tuesday - I will get my own breakfast, am out for the day with kids and will have lunch out. Dinner together

might stop the faffing with food, and gives you something clear to refer to when she’s insisting on making other things.

is it also worth thinking about how much you’re communicating with your dad? If you told him “please don’t do any food for me tomorrow I’m busy all day” would he be well enough to stop your mum doing bits?

I also think her telling you she’s stressed is a bit of a god send. It gives you a really good reason to keep things more separate.

Thank you all.

@ManchesterGirl2 I'm so sorry you know what I mean. It's so hard isn't it do you have any other help? Grey rock makes a lot of sense.

I worry as I haven't heard back from my brother. But I think the kids are ill and it's the weekend so he's busy. He's very level headed but has always said if I need to get away for the day etc to come over. I think he knows how hard it is. But he was always the favoured child so I don't think she's been so hyper critical of him as much.

Just been looking at one beds in the area. Frustrating as eldest is getting to point where they need their own space. But we'll have to work it out. I think they'll be happier being out of here

Breaks my heart but they didn't want her to come with us on the trip out the other weekend. I said it would be a good idea. Try to build bridges. But now I don't want her anywhere near them. And certainly not to be trusted with them alone

I understand it must be difficult for you, you have a lot on your plate and it sounds like you and your mother have a personality clash- but the instances you raise here sound to me like a fussy parent, not a controlling or unkind one. I've worked in this field before and I say this kindly, but sometimes it's better to acknowledge a difference in personalities than to make some kind of diagnosis. This labelling of others is becoming more common, and is largely unhelpful.

It can help to think about your expectations, her behaviour, and the correlation between those two things. For example, why is her drying your children's hair so infuriating to you, and why do you think she does it? Is she doing it because she believes- rightly or wrongly- that it's the kindest thing to do?

You cannot control anyone else's behaviour, only your own, and it sometimes helps to remember that. It can be very difficult, especially in times of great flux, such as divorce.

I have said all along not to cook for me! I'm following a calorie diet (she disapproves) but it works for me and I'm healthy. I strength train. I'm not sickly. I've said I'll join them for dinner and be sociable but she can't not interfere with whatever I'm eating so I've stopped. I have a fridge and basic cooking upstairs in my front room. Since the 'crazy' comment I've only really eaten with them with the kids are here

I've written down for them when the kids are here so they're aware. But again the plan is I cook for them separately. They are welcome to sit with us for tea and if they fancy whatever the kids are having - I always let them know - then I'm more than happy to cook extra for them.

But the point is at no point should my mum feel she is cooking for me or my kids. I've never asked her to.

I make a point of every weekend when they're here having a nice Sunday lunch together. And we'll discuss what to do for that. Christmas dinner was a joint effort. Today was something I did (hence why she went for a walk before it was due out the oven...)

I always text my dad. I tell him When were due, what we're having for tea, etc etc. Mum never uses her phone and has a weird phobia of not trusting it.

I get that they're older and might forget or mishear so I put everything in writing. Honestly I do all of already and it's still a shitshow

I really appreciate your help. It's just been nice talking to people about it really.

Just curious what did you think about her turning up at my house and hanging around in the dark because I didn't reply to her text?

She didn't ring the doorbell. She just hung outside.

I honestly think it's a bit odd I can't have a black coffee. She hit the roof about that. She offered me a drink and when I said that she reacted like I'd asked for a vat of vinegar. She made it begrudgingly. And I swear it was the weakest coffee you've ever seen. Perhaps three granules of coffee.

She makes coffee for my dad every single day. She knows how to make coffee. She just doesn't think I should drink it.

But either way. I don't think her behaviour is right. I don't agree you trying to make out it's my reaction. But I do think it's the only way to make any changes around here is to ignore her. And definitely keep my children away from her.

I’m sorry this is so difficult, OP. My Dad is similar when I stay with him ( to help him out, he’s 85). Everything has to be done exactly the way he wants and he has no boundaries- I’ll be in bed about to go to sleep, for example, and he’ll walk in for a 20-minute chat! He’s not malicious, just totally unaware of other people’s needs. I always feel drained after visiting, I’d be feeling like you if I had to live there.

My advice is to get your marital home on the market ASAP in time for the spring and then you can finally make plans to move out. Focus on that, because you’re not going to change her, unfortunately.

@ElvisCymraeg also whilst I agree there is a clash of personalities. It's the lack of respect I struggle with.

If I say no to something I do not expect to have to repeat it again and again as she does not take no for an answer.

It's something I feel strongly about. And I intervene when I see her doing it with my kids

It's also interesting to note both my Dc find her intense and do not want to spend time with her. Youngest is a happy go lucky ball of energy. Loves everyone. But asked she did not come with us when we go out.

The problem is that when the OP says 'no' it's followed by a punishment. It's the mum making a fuss because the OP won't do exactly as told.

The OP is an adult. Not a teddy bear in her mother's teddy tea party.

Strangely, I’ve had the weirdness with coffee too! My Dad likes it weak, I like strong stuff from a cafeteria. He’s made a real fuss about it in the past, although he’s finally accepted that I’m not drinking his type and I provide my own coffee when I visit. 😂

We should all form a support circle because I can so relate to this XD @SchnauzerEyebrows

I made what I now call one of the worst mistakes in my life - after divorcing my first husband I moved back to my home country with my mother and younger brother, and we all got a flat together.

It was an utter nightmare, much along the lines you've posted. Even though it was actually 'my' flat - the rental contract was in my name, I paid the deposit, etc - everything had to be done as my mother wanted it. How it was furnished, who got what room, etc. Myself and my brother had zero privacy. This was before the internet, but we couldn't even make/take a phone call without her wanting to know all the details. Couldn't go out without her wanting to know where we were going, who with, etc. It was like back being teenagers again.

My mental health was already poor, I was suicidal and ended up being diagnosed as bipolar during this time. No support from my mother, she thought it was terrible that I was seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist - after my first appointment the only thing she had to say was 'I suppose you spent the whole time bitching about me'...

My brother and myself lasted a year living with her. He came back to the UK first, I followed him back, less than 2 months later. I spent all my divorce settlement on the move, including wasting thousands shipping my mother's furniture back. I came back to the UK with £50 to my name and was homeless for 3 weeks until a charity helped me find a bedsit.

For your sake, and your children's sake, you need to get out as soon as you can.

I stayed at my parents shortly after leaving exh, it felt like I was no longer a parent to ds, my mum had to be in charge of everything, right down to when I cleaned the hamster out. We didn't stay long & chose to move in with my new partner even though we were all living in a 1 bedroom flat, at least I was in charge of ds. Can you arrange to do some things on your own with your dc? Tell your mum "on Monday I'm cooking X for dc as they miss my cooking, you can join us if you want" Get out on days when dc aren't in school, if you aren't working go for a coffee after the school run. Are you looking for somewhere to live? Hassle the council if you are waiting for a council property or get on Rightmove & get places to look at.