DM controlling and I'm at breaking point

[justneedarant]

I've had to move back in with the parents. Divorce. Fucking mess.

Kids are here half the time.

DM is on paper the perfect mum. Always fussing over guests. Making sure everyone's happy. Feeding etc. but I've noticed over the years it's always to her standards. She puts food on your plate without asking. Huffs and makes comments about all this food going to waste if no one eats it

I have a massively unhealthy attitude towards food as a result

Anyway. She's just controlling. Every fucking day. There's something I'm not doing right. Something I'm judged on.

The other week we were due to go out for the day with the kids. I'd just started my period and put some (wrapped up) sanitary stuff in the bathroom bin. She asks me out of nowhere - do you need to go to the chemist. I looked really confused. And she said oh nothing. It was only later I twigged. Shit like that.

I'm losing my mind. My dad is ill and in the middle of this. I don't want my kids to see the bad atmosphere. I fucking hate it. And no. I've got nowhere else to go. And can't afford to go...

She asked you if you needed to go to the chemist … which could have been in relation to anything, maybe she needed something collecting herself…

You might need to provide more examples, as, at the moment she’s providing a home to you and your children in a time of need .. so the one exemplar you gave, doesn’t seem too bad

Can you try the grey rock technique on her?

You can't really change her, but you need to kind of learn to let it wash over you and not let it upset you, while still doing what you want to do.

So what if she huffs over food not eaten if you don't want it? Let her.

Perhaps say, why don't you just cook for you & dad, I'll sort out me & the kids? If you're going to be there a while, it doesn't make sense for her to treat you like guests, but rather as part of the household who should be picking up some of the cooking etc.

I would spend a lot of time out of the house or in your bedroom.

Because when I asked her why she went quiet like she knew she'd been caught out.

Trust me. I go to the chemist for my dad a lot. I offer to help out a lot. I've just spent the last two days sorting out his doctors because she is incapable and my dad is housebound

I can't explain it it's just cumulative.

It's all passive aggressive.

I say I'm going to make pasta for the kids. She's made sandwiches. Then it's all / oh but look at all this food. Who will eat it?!

I try to eat dinner with them most nights. But I don't really eat much (she hates this and repeatedly asks me if I want more and huffs when I say no). I've had some soup in the fridge I was planning to eat. I told her this. First time she had made the sandwiches. The second time I said I'm going to eat that soup. She made a salad. So I've just thrown my soup away as it's Now out of date.

She asks the kids if they want more. And even when they say no makes passive aggressive comments about oh but I've made too much food. It pissed me off because a) they've said no. They should be respected. And b) they know when they're full. They're good like that. I don't want them over eating to make her feel better

I never do anything right. I never fry the kids hair properly. One has a cough (checked out with the dr it's fine just lingering cold) so she's worrying. Isn't Dc cold with no jumper? (No try and catch them to put one on. They'll just take it off)

It's all stuff where she's the good guy. She has everyone's best intentions at heart. But it's so bloody controlling.

Dry the kids hair. If I fried them I think she would have a point

This was the original plan. I have a mini fridge upstairs so we are a bit more self sufficient.

I always said we'd have a meal at the weekends together etc. so we could all be together. Bht the plan was always to be a bit more separate.

Bht she's slowly taken over.

It's hard because I know she enjoys making food for the kids. So in some ways perhaps I've encouraged it. But she's thrown it all back in my face tonight saying I stress her out. And I'm like how? I've never asked you to do anything. I've always said forget us. Sort you and dad out.

She behaves like a child when arguing though. Everything is just thrown back at me. Tonight I said right what do you mean by that and I think it took her by surprise.

I said I felt judged. She said she did too. So I said how. And she's got nothing

It's always a sob story though if you push her. Poor her. She had a tough upbringing etc. so you can never be too angry with her. Does my head in.

And yes I am bloody grateful to be here. I know. I know it's all because she cares. Bht it's so destructive.

So what's the situation for getting out? Is there an endpoint in sight?

Are you eligible for social housing?

We need to sell the family house. It's a nightmare. I have no equity until we do. And my shitty salary isn't enough to get me anything to rent on my own

OP my mother is like that. Its like you are under constant surveillance and every move is monitored and commented on. As you say, it's cumulative and that's why a single incident seems innocent but it's all the time and therefore abusive.

The only thing you can do is spend as much time out of the house as you can. Use the grey rock and broken record method. 'I'm going to eat that soup. I told you I'll eat the soup. I'll have the soup for dinner.'

If she still makes too much other food, go grey rock and don't give her a platform. It's the only way. You can't reason with her. She won't change.

She says she feels judged - and then you push her and she's "got nothing". Yet you've blamed her for your problems with food, for over-feeding the kids, for asking if you want to go to the chemist, for being concerned about the child's cough.

Basically you are in a bad place - which is a shame - but she's opened her home to you presumably for free. You want to live there for free but not involve her at all. You don't even seem to like her. She'll feel that and possibly be walking on eggshells - hence the "nothing" comments when you challenge her.

She's your mother and wants to help, she cares about you and your children, just as you would if it was one of yours who needed help.

She has a sick partner, she is readjusting her routines, her budget, what she buys, how she cooks, when she uses the bathroom, how she uses her home. She feels a responsibility to you - and I understand that you don't want that but it's impossible for her to pretend you're not there.

You will need to leave - it's not fair otherwise. There are always options - what would you have done if she'd not been there?

How come you & the kids left the family home? Is your ex dangerous/abusive? Is he paying the mortgage?

If it is safe to be there, maybe it would be better to move back in until sold?

You're way too oversensitive OP. What's wrong with soup-and-a-sandwich? Lighten up, make a joke of it. The woman's heart is in the right place but it's difficult having an adult child in the house. She still thinks of you as a child.

@PublicTransport you have clearly never lived with a controlling and passive aggressive parent!
She doesn't need to be involved. It's not her place to be involved. It's not her place to be making heaps of food for the children without asking and then being passive aggressive when it isn't what they want or they have already eaten.
My mother treated us like this. We were never allowed to leave the table unless we had cleared our plates. She would buy me 'special' low fat deserts because I was a little tubby and feed my skinny siblings chocolate pots. It has left both me and my sister with eating disorders.

No she said she feels judged. And when i said how. And what can we do better/differently she could say nothing.

I've not gone in all guns blazing. I've always asked what we can do. Even tonight I asked what would be less stressful. But she never comes up with anything. She just attacks me

You're also assuming a lot in your post. Why do you think I'm here free? I do pay rent. To cover the extra in the bills. Admittedly not I'm sure the going rate around here. I've also taken on the wifi and tv licence fee too. And I do all the shopping for us and pick up bits for them too. I'm not freeloading here. I take her shopping as she can't drive etc.

I've also tried to involve her with days out with the kids as dad is housebound I know it's good for her to get out. But truth is the kids find her stressful. They've asked me if we can do days out without her. So I'm balancing that too.

Yes I know we need to leave. I've just had to tell her to leave it as I don't want to argue in front of the kids.

I do love her. But when she treats me like this. No I don't really.

If I went into the history of our relationship it would take all bloody day. This is I guess just the tip of the iceberg.

Because the kids wanted pasta and she'd made sandwiches? The kids were disappointed. But she made them feel bad because she'd worked so hard making all this food. So she guilt tripped them into eating. Which is the story of my life...

I'm on a diet. She disapproves. So having the food she'd prepared as well as my soup would take me over my calorie limit.

@justgettingthroughtheday your post really resonated with me. I'm sorry you went through this too

I have battled food disorders all my life. Lots of therapy. It's just the little comments here and there. The huffing when I went to pick something from the table she disapproved of

Post kids I put on weight and it was a constant barrage of comments. All concerned so not nasty. But made me feel like shit and I ended up getting counselling to unpick my food habits.

Ironically now I've lost weight. She's still not happy! I'm a healthy BMI. I work out. I don't starve myself. But yeah I restrict a lot of crap. She's spent the whole of Christmas huffing when I say no to pudding. She's still not happy with my weight. She's said I've lost too much. I just feel exhausted. Like I have to justify every mouthful of food.

It's exhausting. Hope you're okay.

But it's in HER house!! In her kitchen, her bathroom, putting things in her fridge, using her cooker, sitting in her living room. How can she NOT be involved?? Is she expected to hide in her bedroom while OP cooks? How would you behave if your mother/sister/adult DD plus others had to move in with you for a lengthy period? That's the problem.

Two households living together is always difficult. That's why so many women wouldn't have their mother or MiL move in. Two women running households in one home is never going to work.

And maybe I was lucky with my mum - but I still know I could never have lived with her after the age of 18!!

Sorry OP - I did assume you were living free and that's why you couldn't stay elsewhere. Apologies for getting that wrong. I just thought it would help to see it from her side - because I doubt she's finding this easy.

Those who had poor relationships with their mothers will understand you better.

Good luck anyway - it must be tough for you all.

I was living with my mum for a bit & she's quite critical but at the end of the day I was in her house so I had to suck it up.

Are you paying rent?

@PublicTransport you're assuming a lot of wrong stuff. I have my own fridge, kettle and microwave. We have our own sitting room. It's more separate than that.

My brother has offered us a stove which im going to pick up.

We have our own space. She just wants to control everything we do

Yesterday I offered to go to the doctors for my dad. I'd already said I had to go out in the afternoon. She kicked off as she said she didn't know what my plans were. Why does she need to know my plans? I told her I was going out but I'd do them a favour. What part of that means she needs to know where im going?

Yes. As I've already said. And helping out with dads care.

I do see it from her side. And I've repeatedly asked her what she needs from us. How we can make it easier. What we can do. I've tried to keep communication open.

This isn't the first knee jerk reaction to being here. I originally thought her making food made her happy so let her. We've cooked all together with the Dc in the kitchen. Her and I did Xmas lunch together. Its not like we're at loggerheads the whole time.

My dad has repeatedly told her to stop fussing and leave me alone. She cannot stop fussing over what I eat. Everything I do is wrong

She sounds like a nightmare and she's pushing all your buttons. You can't change or engage with her. You can only detach. Her huffing only matters if you let it matter. Move out asap. Try to rise above it as the children must be stressed already and you need to be calm for them. She's an adult who can huff quietly.

@justneedarant sorry i missed that, I paid rent & felt it smoothed out some of the issues.

I feel your pain. My DM is the same. I suspect she is autistic (undiagnosed) It's an overwhelming need for me to be in the wrong and for her to be right, and in control. So, last time I visited, I made supper - sausage and mash. All discussed with her first. She didn't tell me she wanted apple sauce, so I didn't make it. As we were sitting down to eat, she starts chopping up apples and making apple sauce. I just ate my food hot and let her carry on so that she could have her by now cold meal with the required apple sauce. When I cook she follows me round the kitchen taking food out of saucepans and putting it in different saucepans/adding or reducing the water in the veg/ asking me if I've pricked the sausages, querying the temperature of the oven etc etc. It's exhausting, demoralising and bloody annoying. She once left a book entitled "How to be a better parent" in the bedroom on my bedside table when we were visiting. I left it behind. Nothing I ever do is good enough or right. I hate it. What has helped me is the realisation that she is probably autistic and she can't help it, so I try to treat her like an autistic child - and I make a point of elaborate and detailed consultations before I do anything to try to avoid later criticism/derailment. So perhaps a bit of planning of menus/trips out etc on a weekly calendar might help which you can do together to give her back a feeling of control? Anything else which might give her that feeling of control? Taking her to the supermarket and leaving her to do the shopping? It's ghastly but you will get through this.

@Epwell thanks. I'm sorry you understand what I mean. It's so hard isn't it.

It's really interesting you mention autism. I've wondered whether she's ND. There are a lot of things she does that are quite odd. We've excused her behaviour when my brother and I were kids and I had to look out for her. I guess we're just used to her. I feel she's got worse though. How are things now with your mum?

It's just the overwhelming feeling of I can't look after myself. She's obsessed with my weight. A few weeks ago she said I drink too much water at dinner. It dilutes my food. I said I don't believe that and besides I only have a glass of water with dinner which I think is fairly standard? The next night she put out a small glass instead of my normal tall one. I just replaced it. I didn't say anything. But it's like death by a thousand cuts

I try to plan every day. Every day I tell her roughly what I'm doing. If I'm Working. Whether we'll be around for lunch or dinner. If we are eating what does she fancy, can I get anything from the shop. But she doesn't listen. I've lost count of the times I've said I'm taking the kids out. We'll grab lunch out so don't wait for us. And then my dad will text me at midday asking if we're coming for lunch. Get home and there'll be a table of food. I told her we're eating out. I always make sure to tell her. I don't know what else to do?

Sorry. I think I just needed to get this out. I can't really talk to anyone close about this. I feel sorry for my dad. I know she bitches and moans about me to him. I don't want him to feel stuck in the middle