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Original poster

Went out with new boyfriends friends for first time and they were all on coke, opinions?

88 replies

Workingin38 · 30/12/2022 09:54

I’ve been with my new boyfriend for 8 months. We’re both late 30s and I have a young child who lives most of the week with me and 2 days with his dad. My boyfriend has not met DC yet and won’t for a while.
my boyfriend was open with me about his past drug use, it’s a definite no no for me and we’ve talked openly about it. And I just want to say that I’m not concerned that his is using drugs anymore as I do trust him on that.
he did tell me that his friends still take drugs on occasion (mostly coke). We had a night out on boxing night and it was pretty obvious to me the friends were taking drugs as well as their partners. They are all 30/40 year old
professionals, some with children too.
i also overheard my boyfriend telling his friends that I don’t like it so if they’re gonna do it he doesn’t want it being totally in your face. Which made me feel a bit like a young child.
How would you feel about this? I get on well with his friends and we’ve had lovely dinner dates and trips away with them but this has just made me feel awkward. I feel like ‘turning a blind eye’ doesn’t really sit right with me either as it’s really against my values

OP posts:
dudsville · 30/12/2022 09:58

That just isn't my social scene so I wouldn't be hanging out with them. As you say, this is about choices, values, ethics.

ShandaLear · 30/12/2022 10:00

Nope. That wouldn’t work for me. I wouldn’t believe that he didn’t do it either - it’s clearly part of their group culture and he’s asking friends to hide their usage from you. I’m not a pearl clutcher over drugs, each to their own and all that, but I wouldn’t want to date someone who was still involved in that scene.

Triffid1 · 30/12/2022 10:02

I wouldn't be annoyed with your bf. It sounds to me like he was trying to respect how you feel and would have liked his friends to frankly skip it this time.

As for the friends, I am not a drug user but dh has some friends who do sometimes. I choose not to go on those sort of nights out or leave early. Eg big house party over the summer I went for the first part - drinks, bbq etc - then went home to the dc. Its not really a big deal. But then, dh and I have always been a couple who are happy to do things separately.

I find it does slightly limit your liklihood of becoming good friends with them as there's just a disconnect in what you like to do.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/12/2022 10:03

Nope this is not the man for you

Itsthewhitehat · 30/12/2022 10:06

Nah. Wouldn’t be for me. I wouldn’t believe he didn’t do it anymore either. I would 100% be convinced he would have done it if you weren’t there.

I would think him telling people you don’t like it and it shouldn’t be ‘in your face’ him telling them not to offer it to them.

His friends all do something you feel uncomfortable with. He is comfortable with it.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/12/2022 10:06

If everyone if them plus their wives were doing coke, that would make me assume he normally did it too. Have you asked him when the last time he did any coke was?

redtshirt50 · 30/12/2022 10:07

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable here.

You knew he was into drugs in his past, so it shouldn’t really be a surprise that his friends take them.

And him telling his friends not to be overly obvious about it I see as him trying to make sure you have a good night, not as him
being patronising.

Lkydfju · 30/12/2022 10:07

Thing is that when people are taking drugs they are very boring to spend time with; I guess the question is how much they really do it.
i know you say you trust that he no longer used drugs but I’d be cautious

redtshirt50 · 30/12/2022 10:09

boxing day was always going to be a ‘big night’ so maybe next time it’s a ‘big night’ just say you’re not going along

it’s not really up to you to judge his friends and how they live their life

ZekeZeke · 30/12/2022 10:09

Birds of a feather flock together.

His core values don't match yours, I would question the relationship.

FlowerLilyFix · 30/12/2022 10:09

Not my scene. So I couldn’t carry on.

WandaWonder · 30/12/2022 10:11

I have never been knowingly anywhere near drugs (the usual kind I don't mean panadol) and have no desire too

I don't need to comment what others do with them but I have zero interest in being around people who do it I drink some alcohol but have no desire in being around people who do more than this either

So its up to you what you do, I can't see any positives in what they are doing

Charliehaus · 30/12/2022 10:11

It’s fine
he’s not doing it
it’s a shock to some but loads of people do it
AS long as he’s not doing it I don’t know what the issue is

boredOf · 30/12/2022 10:19

Yuck I couldn't stay

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/12/2022 10:26

In all honesty, if he is still socialising with friends he has done drugs with then it is only a matter of time before he is tempted to do just a little bit this one time. Then again. Then another little bit one last time yet again. Then it becomes a regular thing that he tries to hide from you.

People who give up drugs for good tend to leave the whole scene. Even if it means walking away from old friends.

He might be able to resist temptation. I don’t know him. But in my life experience it is unlikely for someone to successfully walk away from drugs without walking away from the whole lifestyle as well.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/12/2022 10:26

Charliehaus · 30/12/2022 10:11

It’s fine
he’s not doing it
it’s a shock to some but loads of people do it
AS long as he’s not doing it I don’t know what the issue is

Ah the naivety!

coffeetofunction · 30/12/2022 10:34

If that is his friendship circle then he is definitely still taking coke. He is just more discreet than his mates and possibly didn't use as much as them on boxing day to make it less obvious.

For me I wouldn't be arsed as long as he'd have been totally honest (which I don't believe he has).

For me laying about taking coke is far worse than taking it.

No one's asking you to take it after all

pilates · 30/12/2022 10:34

I’m pretty sure he still dabbles.

Long term, is this going to work for you?

Littlebluedinosaur · 30/12/2022 10:35

Grim. Just grim.

Mars27 · 30/12/2022 10:38

If he's got friends who use drugs is highly likely he's doing it too, you probably don't realise. The whole speech re him telling friends not to do it in front of you sounds a bit performative, I'm afraid.

I abhor drugs as I have a clear example in my own family of how it can wreck a person's life and tear a family apart. It's never one line, one pill or one joint, it's the implications and consequences that it causes.

You have a child, think about further down the line.

Wishing you luck

ShakespearesBlister · 30/12/2022 10:58

Well I guess this is showing you your future with him. You are going to be spending time around cokeheads. You need to decide if that's really what you want. I mixed with these people when I was younger and dabbled myself but 25 years on no, I wouldn't want to be around people who do it. Not because I'm worried I might indulge but because I've grown and now see that it isn't the badge of honour I once thought it was. It's not something I would want to be around and I'd have to consider the relationship if I'm going to be expected to have to socialize with these people on a regular basis.

smileandsing · 30/12/2022 11:00

It doesn't matter what we think, you're not ok with it and that's all that matters. He was testing the water with getting you to meet his friends when he knew they'd all be on it. That's not to say he still does it too, but if you turn a blind eye he might think you're ok with it, which you're very much not.
Having spent a long time with someone who it turned out had a massive coke habit, when I never touched the stuff myself, I know how badly it can affect a person and their relationships with others. If I were you I would ditch anyone who I knew mixed in those circles, particularly as you have a young child to think of.

Pianofar · 30/12/2022 11:03

If all of his mates do coke honestly find it hard to believe when you're not there he doesn't. Wildly unappealing to me, I do have a harder line on drugs though as I grew up with an addict and despise drugs. Also find it abhorrent that people are quite happy to fund an 'industry' that exploits vulnerable people just to get a bit of a kick. Ew. I mean ffs rival drug gangs this year alone have killed an innocent child and an innocent young woman amongst others, anyone who fund's it has blood on their hands.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 30/12/2022 11:03

There are few worse things than a bunch of people on coke.

Honestly the personality changes are quite something!

Me personally, I couldn't continue with that relationship. Even if he doesnt do it, it would bug me everytime he'd go out with that bunch or in general socialising, think summer BBQs.

Not for me thanks.

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 11:07

Pianofar · 30/12/2022 11:03

If all of his mates do coke honestly find it hard to believe when you're not there he doesn't. Wildly unappealing to me, I do have a harder line on drugs though as I grew up with an addict and despise drugs. Also find it abhorrent that people are quite happy to fund an 'industry' that exploits vulnerable people just to get a bit of a kick. Ew. I mean ffs rival drug gangs this year alone have killed an innocent child and an innocent young woman amongst others, anyone who fund's it has blood on their hands.

This is the thing for me, its about the industry and systems behind it. So they're happy to be part of child exploitation, trafficking, organised crime?

Anyone saying 'each to their own' is also condoning this. Ive become a lot more aware of this over recent decades and it has changed my view on 'live and left live'

I think they should be legalised to remove this risk but until it is, they are engaging and promoting serious crime and exploitation.

(but when challenged nearly all users have some reason and excuse by their particular dealer isnt part of that blah blah blah)

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