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Original poster

Went out with new boyfriends friends for first time and they were all on coke, opinions?

88 replies

Workingin38 · 30/12/2022 09:54

I’ve been with my new boyfriend for 8 months. We’re both late 30s and I have a young child who lives most of the week with me and 2 days with his dad. My boyfriend has not met DC yet and won’t for a while.
my boyfriend was open with me about his past drug use, it’s a definite no no for me and we’ve talked openly about it. And I just want to say that I’m not concerned that his is using drugs anymore as I do trust him on that.
he did tell me that his friends still take drugs on occasion (mostly coke). We had a night out on boxing night and it was pretty obvious to me the friends were taking drugs as well as their partners. They are all 30/40 year old
professionals, some with children too.
i also overheard my boyfriend telling his friends that I don’t like it so if they’re gonna do it he doesn’t want it being totally in your face. Which made me feel a bit like a young child.
How would you feel about this? I get on well with his friends and we’ve had lovely dinner dates and trips away with them but this has just made me feel awkward. I feel like ‘turning a blind eye’ doesn’t really sit right with me either as it’s really against my values

OP posts:
HappyNewYear2023 · 30/12/2022 12:37

I couldn't say with this man. I hate drugs.

Saying that I have a few friends from school who are very into drugs. Birds don't always flock together. I've never touched them.

LonginesPrime · 30/12/2022 12:39

How would you feel about this? I get on well with his friends and we’ve had lovely dinner dates and trips away with them but this has just made me feel awkward. I feel like ‘turning a blind eye’ doesn’t really sit right with me either as it’s really against my values

Does it matter how anyone else would feel about this?

You're clear on how you feel about this and he's your boyfriend, so it only matters whether you can live with it. If other posters say "it wouldn't bother me", would that change your opinion on his friends' drug use?

The key is that you now know what your life would be like with him and what his stance is. You know his values differ significantly from yours on a topic you feel strongly about, so it's for you to decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you.

Just don't expect to be able to change his mind or limit his socialisation with these friends, as those kinds of expectations are unrealistic and tend to lead to heartbreak down the line.

Adeckofcards · 30/12/2022 12:42

Climbles · 30/12/2022 12:34

I go to meaty places, BBQs etc all the time. I enjoy the company and it’s not my place to tell others what they should eat. If I refused to go out with meat eaters because our values were different I’d be laughed out the room.

Show quote history

You sound really easy going. My vegetarian friend, also married to a meat eater, would absolutely decline the offer of going to a bbq style restaurant and tbh it wouldn’t dawn on me to suggest it when meeting her. I think she would laugh me out of it!

lemonstrawberry · 30/12/2022 12:47

People who don't do drugs don't hang out with people who do.

SVRT19674 · 30/12/2022 12:49

He would be dropped like a stone, zero tolerance to drugs.

Glindara · 30/12/2022 12:53

Don’t understand your title says that you went out with new BF friends for the first time ….. then a subsequent post says you have been away with them on breaks and had dinners with them?

Which one was it?

ZekeZeke · 30/12/2022 12:53

HappyNewYear2023 · 30/12/2022 12:37

I couldn't say with this man. I hate drugs.

Saying that I have a few friends from school who are very into drugs. Birds don't always flock together. I've never touched them.

You are the exception.
Mostly they do.

taxguru · 30/12/2022 12:53

@ImustLearn2Cook

But in my life experience it is unlikely for someone to successfully walk away from drugs without walking away from the whole lifestyle as well.

That's my experience too.

To the OP - run . for . the . hills and end the relationship. If he's still socialising with them, he WILL be taking drugs, even if he denies it.

lemonstrawberry · 30/12/2022 12:54

what happens to your children if you are caught with him and he has drugs on him?

RiverSkater · 30/12/2022 12:58

On a night out everybody taking drugs when you aren't totally upsets the dynamic because they behave differently. At least you know though. I'd not sent to spend the evening with coke heads as you can't get a word in edgeways.

I used to go out with some friends clubbing and they were all on E. They could stay up later, dance the night away, drink much. I'd need a few drinks to get into the vibe.

I had no idea they were all on drugs. I feel a bit sad looking back that they were all doing that secretly and keeping it from me. Or asking me me if I wanted to try anything so I was part of it / I would not have been offended. We were in our 20s. And being so affectionate and chatty!

So at this stage of your life I'd serve this group.

Nudity · 30/12/2022 12:58

Climbles · 30/12/2022 12:31

The OP isn’t going to suddenly want to do drugs because she’s around them. If anything I imagine it would put her off.

Show quote history

I never said op would do coke or be tempted.

You came up with meat analogy.

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 12:58

lemonstrawberry · 30/12/2022 12:54

what happens to your children if you are caught with him and he has drugs on him?

As long as the children's needs are being met and the children are not at risk, then nothing. Dont scaremonger

Glindara · 30/12/2022 12:59

When you say he was open with you about his “past” drug use what did he say - that he used to dabble on occasional “big nights out” - but he doesn’t now? When did he choose to make this change and why?

Or did he say he had developed a problem and made a clear decision to get clean?

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 13:04

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 12:58

As long as the children's needs are being met and the children are not at risk, then nothing. Dont scaremonger

Show quote history

You think social services would look lightly on illegal drug use going on in the children's home? Not to mention OP could be charges with possession and get in legal trouble.

Which part of ILLEGAL don't you get?

Scaremongering ffs. Minimising much?

Good parents don't bring druggies into their young children's life. They just don't.

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 30/12/2022 13:05

Are all non-smokers and former-smokers unable to spend time with smokers? Or conversely, will all non/former-smokers suddenly take up smoking if they spend time with smokers? In reality, some people can smoke socially while not becoming addicted, and others can quite happily go without but still socialise with those who do. It's still addictive, the only difference is the legality/moral arguments.

If it's your line in the sand, then fine, but all the assumptions here about how he must still be using to want to spend time with his friends are just that - assumptions. In reality, it could be any one of many scenarios.

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 13:09

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 13:04

You think social services would look lightly on illegal drug use going on in the children's home? Not to mention OP could be charges with possession and get in legal trouble.

Which part of ILLEGAL don't you get?

Scaremongering ffs. Minimising much?

Good parents don't bring druggies into their young children's life. They just don't.

Show quote history

Lots of parents are users. There are substance users and substance misusers. The assessment for ensuring children are safe looks at whether they have access to accidentally use the drugs, are there unsafe adults in the home dealing/being around the children, are the parents too out of it to care properly for their children

If none of those elements are present, then no, nothing happens. Children are not necessarily put at risk from parents illegal activities. Do you think that children are removed from parents becuase parents break the law?

OP might be found in possession but the above factors still apply, the children might need care if she is held in custody for any amount of time but personal possession usually doesnt amount to much.

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 13:18

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 30/12/2022 13:05

Are all non-smokers and former-smokers unable to spend time with smokers? Or conversely, will all non/former-smokers suddenly take up smoking if they spend time with smokers? In reality, some people can smoke socially while not becoming addicted, and others can quite happily go without but still socialise with those who do. It's still addictive, the only difference is the legality/moral arguments.

If it's your line in the sand, then fine, but all the assumptions here about how he must still be using to want to spend time with his friends are just that - assumptions. In reality, it could be any one of many scenarios.

Smoking is not illegal. And smoking doesn't alter behaviour and personality like coke does. Nice try.

taxguru · 30/12/2022 13:19

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 30/12/2022 13:05

Are all non-smokers and former-smokers unable to spend time with smokers? Or conversely, will all non/former-smokers suddenly take up smoking if they spend time with smokers? In reality, some people can smoke socially while not becoming addicted, and others can quite happily go without but still socialise with those who do. It's still addictive, the only difference is the legality/moral arguments.

If it's your line in the sand, then fine, but all the assumptions here about how he must still be using to want to spend time with his friends are just that - assumptions. In reality, it could be any one of many scenarios.

Smoking tobacco is absolutely nothing like illegal drugs use.

Cosycover · 30/12/2022 13:20

lemonstrawberry · 30/12/2022 12:54

what happens to your children if you are caught with him and he has drugs on him?

Nothing.

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 30/12/2022 13:22

I'm talking about it being addictive. The point of many of the posts was that it is addictive and therefore even if the BF genuinely doesn't use atm, being around users will make him do so. Or alternatively that he must be lying about not using, due to the addictiveness.

Elecktra22 · 30/12/2022 14:10

I’d be worried about the friends and it wouldn’t be company I would want to keep, not having been involved in that since late teens.
I feel for your BF as I think he comes off ok in this. However, I would be concerned that he keeps their company, what does it take, a bad day, a drink, a special occasion to take coke again? Would you mind recreational use or is a no altogether. I think you need to ask yourself those things and have a discussion with him

antipodeancanary · 30/12/2022 14:19

Charliehaus · 30/12/2022 10:11

It’s fine
he’s not doing it
it’s a shock to some but loads of people do it
AS long as he’s not doing it I don’t know what the issue is

The issue is they are exploiting vulnerable people and wanky bf is enabling it by not calling them out on it. The op will be doing the same if she continues to meet up with them and doesn't challenge them. I would not want to be with bf if he didn't call them out. No one is shocked. Everyone knows lots of losers do this sort of thing. Decent people won't collude with it.

LlynTegid · 30/12/2022 14:28

@ZekeZeke sadly true. Along with those who remain in relationships with other bad things going on.

Original poster
Workingin38 · 30/12/2022 19:17

Thanks for all the responses. Just to clarify-

  • in the title I meant out clubbing, I have been around them before but not clubbing.
  • I honestly believe he isn’t using drugs, nor do I think he’s a recovering addict. He used drugs recreationally but stopped a few years ago as he stopped enjoying it.
  • these are his close lifelong friends so not ones he would give up too easily plus he does not mind being around them using drugs.
OP posts:
Glindara · 30/12/2022 19:26

What’s his relationship history @Workingin38

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