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Original poster

Went out with new boyfriends friends for first time and they were all on coke, opinions?

88 replies

Workingin38 · 30/12/2022 09:54

I’ve been with my new boyfriend for 8 months. We’re both late 30s and I have a young child who lives most of the week with me and 2 days with his dad. My boyfriend has not met DC yet and won’t for a while.
my boyfriend was open with me about his past drug use, it’s a definite no no for me and we’ve talked openly about it. And I just want to say that I’m not concerned that his is using drugs anymore as I do trust him on that.
he did tell me that his friends still take drugs on occasion (mostly coke). We had a night out on boxing night and it was pretty obvious to me the friends were taking drugs as well as their partners. They are all 30/40 year old
professionals, some with children too.
i also overheard my boyfriend telling his friends that I don’t like it so if they’re gonna do it he doesn’t want it being totally in your face. Which made me feel a bit like a young child.
How would you feel about this? I get on well with his friends and we’ve had lovely dinner dates and trips away with them but this has just made me feel awkward. I feel like ‘turning a blind eye’ doesn’t really sit right with me either as it’s really against my values

OP posts:
Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 30/12/2022 11:07

I mean I’ve been the person in the group who has been the only one not taking drugs. I never have and didn’t feel any pressure but as time went on I got fed up with the ‘in jokes’ and secrecy. The would be off their faces and then it was all
just full for me. They couldn’t even have a dinner party without it. Relationship ended as I realised these weren’t long term connections I wanted to make. It’s all false.

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 30/12/2022 11:08
  • and then it wasn’t fun for me.
EngTech · 30/12/2022 11:08

How much money is being wasted and what happens if it leads to stronger stuff ?

If drugs are his priority, are you happy to live with that?

I have heard all the excuses and seen what happens when it starts to go wrong - It’s not a pretty sight and the user tends to try and drag those around them who are trying to help them

Bottom line is that is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship

Forkthenspoon · 30/12/2022 11:10

Id feel uncomfortable in that circle
Its a vile drug,illegal for a reason
Move on

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 30/12/2022 11:12

OP This is not the man for you. Plenty of people do not need drugs to enhance their fun.

Coffeetree · 30/12/2022 11:15

Why would someone who stopped taking drugs want to hang out with a bunch of cokeheads? Particularly in group settings where they are all using.

I know it's not more dangerous than alcohol and blah blah blah but apart from being boring and grim it's also illegal. So no of course you don't want to hang out with them.

Your boyfriend will likely try to pressure you with "but they're my friends" but you two aren't compatible. Don't compromise your values.

Bertha21 · 30/12/2022 11:37

It sounds like he has been honest with you. Which is a good thing? I think only you can decide how this sits with you? My ex friends did drugs he told me had done it occasionally. Turned out it was more than that. His friends now mid to late forties still doing it. I realised amongst other things that our values definitely weren’t the same. I guess this is about whether your values and his match? For me it was also about honesty as my ex didn’t tell me the truth.

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 11:44

And I just want to say that I’m not concerned that his is using drugs anymore as I do trust him on that.

the fact he chooses to hang out with a bunch of drug users shows the contrary. A recovered druggie will know very well they can't be around drugs if they want to stay clean

You're being very naive here and keeping him in your life is putting your kid at risk.

Raise your standards.

SideshowAuntSallly · 30/12/2022 11:56

Why are some people making out like he's a recovering addict. Many people can and do do coke and aren't addicts. Many people can go out with friends and say no, they have self control. Just like not everyone that drinks is an alcoholic, not everyone that does drugs is a drug addict.

Nudity · 30/12/2022 11:58

I’d dump him. He’s telling you he doesn’t do it anymore but if you weren’t there he would have.

Adeckofcards · 30/12/2022 12:02

I think your boyfriend was trying to do the right thing.

I don’t take drugs and would be very uncomfortable and uneasy if I was in a group who were taking drugs. Partly because I’d be worried someone would do something stupid and I’d be associated with drug users and partly because I’d feel like a fish out of water.

Im not sure you can ‘just’ avoid socialising on certain occasions as they probably use it more than your BF (or they themselves) admit.

A long time ago I was good friends with somebody who was friends with a group who used. I often went out with them but it was uncomfortable and the whole night seemed centred around going to the bathrooms and taking whatever they were taking.

Where do you see the relationship going? Long term? Would you be happy if he was around your child after taking drugs? Do you know what effect drugs have on him?

Is it his main group of friends or just a group who are around at Christmas? If his main/regular group, I’d probably walk away to be honest.

GerbilsForever24 · 30/12/2022 12:05

All the people saying that there's no way he's not using etc etc... OP, I think it's entirely possible he's not using. I assume he was never an addict - just a recreational user? When I met DH he had been smoking a lot of weed but had cut back a lot in the months before I met him because he felt it was too much and was negatively impacting him. Over the years, he'd still smoke occasionally. Now, nearly 20 years later, it's something he does maybe once a year. I am 100% confident of this.

One of his BFFs was a bit of a recreational coke user back in the day. Now, 2 children later, one with significant additional needs, we are all still laughing (including his DW) because at a party about 3 years ago he let his hair down, ate a very very strong weed cookie, smoked 2 joints and was completely off his face. Didn't so much as pour himself a beer for about a month after!

recreational drug users can very easily not use again. It is possible that when you're not there he chooses to indulge with these friends but it is entirely believable to me that he doesn't when you are around or even that he doesn't at all.

As for his friends - if it makes you uncomfortable and, more relevant for me, if you find it boring to be around people who are high, just don't attend those events in future.

trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 12:07

My circle of friends all do it and I stopped a few years ago when I started a family.

I don't really see them anymore for a few reasons, mainly being too caught up in family life, they are annoying to be around when on it, you can't just meet for a drink, it's all focussed about coke.

In all honesty I'd be very surprised if he still wasn't doing if his social circle is - just the way it is.

Climbles · 30/12/2022 12:08

I’m a vegetarian, should I not go out for dinner with meat eaters?
I have a few friends who are very into eco stuff. They’d never dream of passing comment on someone’s car.
Your values don’t have to be the same as them. Saying that, I don’t take coke and having a night out with a bunch of coke heads and having to listen to their boring stories wouldn’t appeal.

LlynTegid · 30/12/2022 12:09

You should consider whether to continue a relationship with someone who condones illegal drug use.

Assuming you don't think the murders in the Liverpool area recently are OK, no doubting at least one of which was down to a drugs dispute of one kind or another.

Cosycover · 30/12/2022 12:10

He is absolutely still doing it.

I couldn't sit with coke users all night. You literally cannot get a word in. It's boring as fuck.

Floralnomad · 30/12/2022 12:15

There is absolutely no way that your boyfriend doesn’t still do the same when he is out with his mates , otherwise he wouldn’t still hang around with them , he would have found some non drug taking friends .

Adeckofcards · 30/12/2022 12:24

I’m a vegetarian, should I not go out for dinner with meat eaters?

You probably wouldn’t want to go to a hog roast bbq though?

LaBellina · 30/12/2022 12:27

I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who is friends with coke users who openly use the stuff.

Proudofitbabe · 30/12/2022 12:29

If I was certain he definitely wasn't into it then I'd continue (but I'd be put off).

BUT IMO there's no way he won't be doing it considering his social circle. He wouldn't want to be around it otherwise.

In which case it'd be a deal breaker for me.

Nudity · 30/12/2022 12:30

Climbles · Today 12:08
“I’m a vegetarian, should I not go out for dinner with meat eaters?”

Is meat addictive?

I’m a vegetarian, dh is not. I don’t get the urge to inhale some beef or shoot people for a chicken.

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 12:31

Climbles · 30/12/2022 12:08

I’m a vegetarian, should I not go out for dinner with meat eaters?
I have a few friends who are very into eco stuff. They’d never dream of passing comment on someone’s car.
Your values don’t have to be the same as them. Saying that, I don’t take coke and having a night out with a bunch of coke heads and having to listen to their boring stories wouldn’t appeal.

Your comparisons are not valid due to the illegality of it and the moral issue of exploitation, organised crime and usually child trafficking of some description

Climbles · 30/12/2022 12:31

Nudity · 30/12/2022 12:30

Climbles · Today 12:08
“I’m a vegetarian, should I not go out for dinner with meat eaters?”

Is meat addictive?

I’m a vegetarian, dh is not. I don’t get the urge to inhale some beef or shoot people for a chicken.

The OP isn’t going to suddenly want to do drugs because she’s around them. If anything I imagine it would put her off.

Climbles · 30/12/2022 12:34

Adeckofcards · 30/12/2022 12:24

I’m a vegetarian, should I not go out for dinner with meat eaters?

You probably wouldn’t want to go to a hog roast bbq though?

I go to meaty places, BBQs etc all the time. I enjoy the company and it’s not my place to tell others what they should eat. If I refused to go out with meat eaters because our values were different I’d be laughed out the room.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/12/2022 12:34

🤷‍♀️
you like him
his mates have a values clash with yours

just see less of them ?

i think it’s good to be savvy about what your values are
but not to discard him for his mates are like either as it’s a very very common issue

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