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Original poster

When a man has been "tricked" into getting someone pregnant, do they end up happy with the baby?

81 replies

allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:31

just wondering about my ex really.

His (much older,child-free) girlfriend told him she had a condition which meant she couldnt conceive, so they didnt use protection.
She is now 25wks pregnant and he is really dreading being a dad again as not ready and didnt want more children. He is sticking by his girlfriend but he seems so miserable.He wont talk (to me)about the baby and just wants to change the subject like its not happening.He says his kids he already has will always come first and the baby will have to come second. That may change when it's born though, no??

Do you think eventually he will grow to love the baby and not feel trapped?(he is not sure whether or not she tricked him, he half believes she didnt plan it)

OP posts:
MicrowaveOnly · 03/02/2008 18:34

A friend of mine was tricked (40yrs old)by his younger girlfriend and although he loves the baby he now resents her big time.They are still together for the babies sake but its safe to say neither of them are content with the situation.

Proably your ex will love the child too but its so not a great start to a relationship!!

fairyfly · 03/02/2008 18:34

I think that is something him and his girlfriend will have to work through and i am not sure why it is a bad thing he wont talk to you about it.

I hope the baby will not come second.

lazarou · 03/02/2008 18:34

how do you know he was tricked?

Pennies · 03/02/2008 18:34

I can't answer the question but surely he has access to the internet and could have done some research on her condition to ensure that there was absolutely no chance that conception could occur? In which case then it's just as much his fault as hers IMO and he should have done his homework.

Or are you saying she lied about the condition completely in the first place?

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:39

i have no idea if she was lying or not, but he told me that she told him the condition meant she could never get pregnant, and yes he should have used his BRAIN and looked it all up.
He came round my house on the night he found out, bawled his eyes out for hours but wouldnt let me near him to console him. I wanted to hit him actually!
He still looks tearful now, and i ask him if he thinks he will grow to resent her, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

They both live with his mum in her small cramped house, and his mum is a manic depressive who just ignores them all and isnt really looking forward to a baby in the house.There are also more pets than you would believe living (and shitting)there.

He pays a lot for my mortgage so they cant afford anywhere else to live.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 03/02/2008 18:40

in his shoes, i would have insisted on some proof of some sort that she could not get pregnant. very few conditions make you 100 % unable to conceive.. unless she has no reproductive organs. i know a few people in RL who were told at a young age they would never conceive for one reason or another, and they all have. accidentally. as it were.

if he absolutely did not want children, part of the onus was on him to protect himself

either she lied or she genuinley beleived she could not get pregnant

either way he is going to feel miserable about the whole thing

Lulumama · 03/02/2008 18:41

x post

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:43

He does feel a pratt for not using protection, i know that. He wanted her to get an abortion but obviously it was her right to choose, not his.

He blames all this on ME; for asking him to leave/splitting up with him. He tells me its been the worst year of his whole life and he keeps mentioning suicide but i am very sure he wont do this.

OP posts:
lazarou · 03/02/2008 18:45

Does he want to get back with you?

RBH · 03/02/2008 18:46

Sorry but he is an idiot if he didn't use condoms in a new relationship. Nothing to do with pregnancy risks but what about disease?

MeMySonAndI · 03/02/2008 18:46

I was told when I was 26 that I had one chance in a million to conceive, and we always acted on that assumption (but mind you, keep taking dianette to ease the sympthoms of my PO). Now, after I saw another gynecologist I was informed I could coincive... and we had spent already 5 years totally oblivious to the fact.

It may be that she really didn't know.

macdoodle · 03/02/2008 18:46

My H exOW tricked him (oh yes she did before we get into that debate.... on the pill yes we all heard that one before) and yes he is an idiot as well...but although he truly resents the OW (as he should) as far as I know he is trying to do right by baby....I hold out the hope that my DDs will one day have a semi decent relationship with their half sib...though I doubt it as OW is demented little cow as I suppose most women are who think having a baby is a solution for a relationship problem or just another "thing" that they want to have

FAQ · 03/02/2008 18:48

DH wasn't tricked into DS3 - but we were both drunkenly lax with contraception and I fell pg, even after taking the MAP. He wanted me to get an abortion but I wouldn't/couldn't.

He wouldn't talk about the pg with me until I was about 20 weeks pg (after the scan) and didn't really want to talk to ANYONE about it until I was virtually due.

He absolutely adores DS3 and if anything spends more time with him over DS1 and DS2.

We as a couple are on the verge of splitting - but that is to do with issues that were there before DS3 came along, and I'm pretty sure we'd be in the same position even if I hadn't fallen pg again.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:51

No he doesnt want to get back with me, not at all!! He just loves his children SO much, they are his whole life, and he didnt want any more with another woman incase they felt like they werent important any more.

i just dont know if their living situation will make life impossible for them, and ex dh tells me that apparently that his girlfried already gets pissed off that my kids are at their place every weekend. Wont she resent this even more once she is stuck there on her own with a baby?

OP posts:
hatrick · 03/02/2008 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:54

FAQ, so the baby could be his saving grace??

i keep telling him that this is the start of a whole new life for him, and the start of a new family. i tell him he has got it all to look forward to , but he just grunts and tells me to shut up and that i dont understand.

Im sure he will be elated when she is born(they know its a girl - he says he has no interest in girls at all),why cant he see that??
He is an amazing dad to the 2 he already has!!

OP posts:
Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:56

he tells me he does talk to her about it..

i ask "what do you say to her? that youre not looking forward to the baby?"

him: "yes,she knows i think its a bad idea. She knows that xxx and xxx(my dc) will always come first.

me: "what does she say to that?"

him: "well shes not very impressed."

OP posts:
FAQ · 03/02/2008 18:59

It could be - DH was absolutely adamant that he didn't want a 3rd - but he really does adore DS3 - he's a brilliant dad (he may be a prat in 95% of other ways but that's his redeeming feature ).

DH couldn't see/accept that he was going to be just as delighted with his new DS (we also found out the sex for pg3) as he is with the other 2. I think (for him) it was a case of DS1 having been a NIGHTMARE baby, DS2 had been a really easy baby, but I'd had a horrendous birth and he admitted not long after DS2 was born that he couldn't face seeing me going through that again (can't say I would have relished the thought of another birth like that either LOL) so part of it may have been a fear of me having another awful birth.

Thankfully despite our (huge) relationship problems we are still good friends and I suppose like any good friend he didn't want to see me having a bad time.

JodieG1 · 03/02/2008 19:00

All his children should come first not just his ones with you imo. I think he needs to talk to his partner about it and not you anyway.

hatrick · 03/02/2008 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 19:06

yes i know he shouldnt really talk to me about it, but my dd comes back from their place saying she doesnt like it cos my ex and his girlfriend argue all the time.

And i get the blame for "all of this happening" because i ended our relationship when he didnt want it to end !!!!!

FAQ, i think its a little different for you, as all your dh's children are with you, and not with someone he had only been seeing for a month??

OP posts:
Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 19:09

i do think he is telling the truth, and also he is probably not telling me HOW badly he feels, he does try to hide it really. But he has lost weight and looks awful, sometimes looks like he's been crying. Although i think this is cos he misses our dc so much, and maybe not cos of the baby on the way?

He texts me late at night saying "i bet youre laughing at my shitty little life, we had everything this time last year, and now its all gone, and its all such a fecking mess".

OP posts:
lazarou · 03/02/2008 19:22

It's a private matter between him and his girlfriend. If I was his girlfriend I would be quite upset that he was confiding in his ex about it, and I would be extremely upset if he declared a new baby would not be as important as his other children.
I wouldn't get involved agbu.

duke748 · 03/02/2008 19:33

I think that its pretty simplistic to say that she tricked him into getting her pregnant. You just know his side and it seems to me that he is turning this into a bit of a 'poor me' situation. Does he not take any responsibility for the things that happen in his life?

Also - slightly worried about how involved you two are seeing as you are not together. Of course you need to be in contact because of your dcs, but you seem to be a bit of an emotional crutch for him at the moment. You basically get him moaning and bitching to you, even blaming you (the bloody cheek of it!). All the bad stuff about a relationship for you and she gets the fun stuff like the shagging?!? That doesn't seem fair.

Sorry to be crude, and am sure that its not quite as bad as that. I just think you and your ex need some distance. Then after a little while you can resume a much better friends only relationship.

In my experience people who discuss suicide are the least likely to actually do it, so don't stand for emotional blackmail. You have got to know that this relationship isn't healthy. Don't you?

hecate · 03/02/2008 19:34

Did she trick him? Sometimes doctors can be wrong. Maybe she was told that she would not conceive naturally because of a gyne (not even going to TRY to spell that!) problem. You do read about so called 'miracle babies' where the person has been told they've no chance, but along comes a baby.

I mean, like you and others say, it's none of your business anyway, but if he brings it up, might be worth mentioning. Unless of course she's told him "I tricked you."