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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When a man has been "tricked" into getting someone pregnant, do they end up happy with the baby?

81 replies

allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:31

just wondering about my ex really.

His (much older,child-free) girlfriend told him she had a condition which meant she couldnt conceive, so they didnt use protection.
She is now 25wks pregnant and he is really dreading being a dad again as not ready and didnt want more children. He is sticking by his girlfriend but he seems so miserable.He wont talk (to me)about the baby and just wants to change the subject like its not happening.He says his kids he already has will always come first and the baby will have to come second. That may change when it's born though, no??

Do you think eventually he will grow to love the baby and not feel trapped?(he is not sure whether or not she tricked him, he half believes she didnt plan it)

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 21:50

i think its so so raw and too soon for the both of us, we only split last summer then 2 months later he starts seeing this girl when he is still very cut up about our split, and now he has stupidly got her pregnant.

i do try to ignore his texts, but every so often he will start saying how he misses being a family with us and how his life will be awful forever cos i dumped him.

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 03/02/2008 21:51

And thers no chance that you could get back together?

madamez · 03/02/2008 21:59

Back off from this nasty, childish, self-pitying wanker before he sucks you back in. And try to feel a bit of pity for his new DP, poor cow, what a bargain she's (not) getting. Men like him always portray everything as something else's fault - this pregancy is the fault of 'that bitch' who told him she was sterile and 'you bitch' for dumping him (which sounds like the most sensible thing you could have done) as though his willy wasn't involved in the process at all. But there's no need for you to let him mess about between you and the other girl (he may well be telling her that he loves the idea of a baby and you are jealous and resentful). Either start dating someone else or tell him you have, and when he starts moaning away at you, say 'Oh dear' and change the subject.

hatrick · 03/02/2008 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TotalChaos · 03/02/2008 22:06

I also agree with Madmamez. Run a mile from this self-pitying whingebag.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 03/02/2008 22:13

Only read OP, no such th8ng as tricked into getting someone pregnant, there is always a chance unless a woman has no womb and ovaries, he shouldve used contraception.

Sakura · 04/02/2008 00:16

But if you were in a relationship with someone, (hypothetically- forget about this man for a second), and that person told you they couldn't conceive. If you were a trusting person and assumed that others were too, you'd have to go by what they said, wouldn't you? We can't say he should have known this was coming, because he may genuinely have trusted what she said. SHe herself should have known about her condition, and what the chances were of conceiving, and if they were slight, he should have been told. He trusted her.

And again, if you couldn't conceive, but had met a wonderful man and told him the situation, and he said he had to wear a condom anyway, wouldn't you feel a bit slighted? Or then again maybe not, maybe he could just say that he didn't want to take any chances, "because you never know" with these things.

eidsvold · 04/02/2008 03:03

totally agree with madamez - this man seems to have a very unhealthy attitude towards women - seems it is everyone's fault but his - another one who wants no responsibility.

Flllightattendant · 04/02/2008 05:46

Marking this thread to read and reply to later, as it's something I can maybe help with x (hope so anyway!) Neither of my ex's wanted more babies...

Flllightattendant · 04/02/2008 06:11

Ok, have read the whole thread now.

From my perspective, it sounds very much as though he started the relationship with her as a reaction to your telling him to leave. He wanted a shoulder to cry on, he didn't bring to it any sense of responsibility or giving, just taking from her when he needed someone. That is not a fair or good relationship.

That is what it sounds like.

He was also still very upset over you although doubtless there were things before you split that were not resolved, and not your fault, which is why you asked him to go. (I can't remember the ins and outs of it but just that I'm sure he wasn't the blameless party!)

The shit hit the fan when she conceived, perhaps he wasn't careful as he half (unconsciously) wanted a baby with her in order to hurt you/persuade you you should have kept him, ie in anger toward you - but I think basically he doesn't want to give the girlfriend anything, nothing at all, not a baby, and not his part in bringing up that child etc. He knows it means giving and he is not prepared to do that.

My guess is that he will not stay with her.

It seems very obvious from outside, (so may be wrong!) that he wnts to be back with you, or just alone, with possibly someone to use on the side, but no ties or children with her, and you want him back which he may or may not know. This is wortrh a try with some counselling but be patient as he may realise for himself that he does want to try again or may just be too proud to admit it.

FWIW, ex#1 didn't tell his wife I was pregnant - I didn't trick him, though he made out I did - and only after they had tried counselling etc etc and he had fought for his marriage, did he settle for me and the child...briefly, and never living with us, and then he turned out to have been sleeping at someone else's house and they later married. He has never seen Ds since. He told himself it was my fault and therefore not his responsibility, I think.
I have also found out that he has pretty much abandoned his older children as well, and just lives with the new wife and her three. I think he feels safer without the obligation, ie he feels he is doing them a favour so is thus not 'trapped'.
I digress...

Ex#2 was all for another baby once I had told him it was stupid to carry on seeing each other if he didn't want one, because I was desperate for one more.
When I told him I was Pg, his first words were 'fuck off', spoken in a shocked tone, and then silence for a few weeks aside from a few tears and sulks on my sofa and marching me down to the marie Stopes clinic to arrange an end to it.
It was cruel and awful.
I ditched him, relied on parents yet again...
He made various half hearted attempts to get back with me, but they were so pathetic and obviously under pressure from his mum, that I refused.
He called to arrange to see Ds2 last June. We made a date. I have not heard from him since, he didn't show up. He never wanted more kids, and hsas followed through about 'I won't be around to help with this kid' as he said at the start. What a crock.

HTH in some way!

allgonebellyup · 04/02/2008 07:41

oh my god Flightattendant, i think you have just summed up our situation ENTIRELY.

He says he doesnt want to come back to me because he is sick of me always getting my own way, its never because he doesnt want me. So yes it is his huge male pride.

And yes this girl was a shoulder to cry on, her knew her years ago and said he never used to fancy her, but now she is there he is happy to cling to anyone.

She has texted me (his gf) to say how cut up he was over our split and how i had ruined everything for him and myself??

i have even offered to hurry our divorce along so he can marry her, but he says he never wants to marry ever again.

OP posts:
monkeytrousers · 04/02/2008 08:43

Theres a difference between being trusting and being stupid Sakura.

Agree with Madamez. Shooting from the hip

madamez · 04/02/2008 09:23

Another thing, AGBU, if you do take this tosser back, he will be off poking someone else within six months as well as doing all the things that meant you chucked him out before. He's only snivelling and carrying on and roping in his mates to tell you how you were the best thing in his life and ought to take him back, because you chucked him out and he hates not getting his own way. He wants you because he can;t have you, because it's so romantic (in his eyes) that he can wail and slobber over his lost love rather than treating anyone else with any respect. I really hope the pregnant girlfriend chucks him out as well and then sets the CSA on him.

carmenelectra · 04/02/2008 10:04

I really do feel sorry for his girlfriend, whether she 'tricked' him or not. Bet she dont know the half of what hes saying to you(she be mental if she did know and put up with it).

carmenelectra · 04/02/2008 10:09

Once you have split up with someone they shouldnt be discussing their personal life with you. Thats why they are called exes.

If you two are having discussions like this, then you relationship is way to personal.

My dp has only ever discussed the things that are absolutely necessary with his ex(i think?!) and there has never been any discussion of what she s doing with her new fell or about me. Then again though, she is an absolutely vile, nasty, cow and im lovely so why would he?

allgonebellyup · 04/02/2008 19:01

madamez, the only reason we split up was because i treated HIM like shite and we had a few money problems, he was never unfaithful and he was a great husband, i just didnt appreciate how much he did for me.
And as for sleeping around, i was the 2nd person he had ever slept with, and this new girl is his 3rd.

Flightattendant is the only one who seems to understand the situation really!

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 04/02/2008 19:03

and he doesnt really want to talk to me about his new situation, i usually grill him with questions as i am very nosey and i cant see why he is so miserable, he talks all the time about killing himself.

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 04/02/2008 20:01

Bellyup,

I stop grilling him then, i really would. Inless you do want to be involved in his life still

carmenelectra · 04/02/2008 20:02

Shocking spelling. 'Id stop grilling him' and 'unless!'

allgonebellyup · 04/02/2008 20:04

i know i should stop the grilling.

i just cant seem to.

I dont like to see him so damn miserable, although a bigger part of me thinks "ha! you made your bed, you can bloody well lie in it!!!"

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 04/02/2008 21:28

I think the gf knows he doesnt want the baby at the moment and she is just hoping he will change his mind. He probably will.He is a great dad and i cant see him ignoring a beautiful baby.

i am just so worried he will forget all about my dd; his step daughter.

OP posts:
madamez · 04/02/2008 21:28

AGBU, you have had a lucky escape. Honest. He's making you think it's all your fault, just like he seems to think that everything that happens to him is some woman's fault (never his own) and that by whining and threatening to kill himself he will get his own way. DOn;t fall for it. Date someone who isn't a parasite.

cece · 04/02/2008 21:34

men lie - my friend had a baby with her boyfriend who then left her when the baby was a few months old for another woman. he told this other woman he had been tricked into the pregnancy. In fact they had actually been ttc for 2 years before she got pregnant. Just an example....

allgonebellyup · 04/02/2008 21:35

ok, good advice!! he does go way over the top with his "i hate all women" thing, when in fact all this mess is HIS fault!!!!

He is a spineless little man really.
And he has had ds for the day and cant bring him home til 10.30 tonight!!(ds has puked in the car)

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 04/02/2008 21:37

cece, he had only been with this woman for a month when she got pg, she has texted me to say she knows he is unhappy about the pregnancy but she is happy to go it alone if he doesnt want the baby.

OP posts: