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Original poster

When a man has been "tricked" into getting someone pregnant, do they end up happy with the baby?

81 replies

allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 18:31

just wondering about my ex really.

His (much older,child-free) girlfriend told him she had a condition which meant she couldnt conceive, so they didnt use protection.
She is now 25wks pregnant and he is really dreading being a dad again as not ready and didnt want more children. He is sticking by his girlfriend but he seems so miserable.He wont talk (to me)about the baby and just wants to change the subject like its not happening.He says his kids he already has will always come first and the baby will have to come second. That may change when it's born though, no??

Do you think eventually he will grow to love the baby and not feel trapped?(he is not sure whether or not she tricked him, he half believes she didnt plan it)

OP posts:
citylover · 03/02/2008 19:47

O my god AGBU I am in a similar situation to you.

My exHs new DP is pg and gave the same reason as your ex's DP ie didn't think she could ever conceive. Although I haven't met her I am sure she is genuine.

He has also confided in me about the pg and his feelings about it although materially they are OK he is no spring chicken and TBH having children at all was never on his agenda.

Our DCs don't know yet it is still fairly early days and the only way I feel it is my business is how it might impact negatively upon them.

I feel the need to ensure that they are not left out etc. There is sure to be fallout and I will have to decide how to handle it jointly if necessary.

monkeytrousers · 03/02/2008 19:49

That's hardly a trick FFS.

She must be over the moon. If he doesn;t want a child he can f' off and just contribute what he can

monkeytrousers · 03/02/2008 19:51

God, what a shit he sounds

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 20:11

he is not a shit, he just is very stupid and depressed!!!!

it may not have been a trick, but funny how she found out the day she was due, as if she was waiting for it to happen.. i mean if most people arent thinking about conceiving then surely they wouldnt miss their period until at least its a couple of days late?

OP posts:
Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 20:13

she found out the day she was due her period

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monkeytrousers · 03/02/2008 20:16

Well to say that any child would be neglacted in favour of another - however confused their conception - is pretty shitty in my book, sorry

hatrick · 03/02/2008 20:17

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Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 20:17

yes i agree that is shitty, especially as he says he will have no interest in any baby that is not a boy

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lazarou · 03/02/2008 20:18

Well, if it's that much of a problem for him he is free to leave. She obviously wants a baby, and imagine being told you can't conceive!!!!
However, it is not your problem to take on. Your only concern is that he sees your children and has a good relationship with them.

hatrick · 03/02/2008 20:20

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Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 20:20

yes i admit my feelings for him arent all gone and thats why im so concerned i guess. That, and the fact he blames me 24/7 for all of this happening.
i just tell him i dont have a penis..

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/02/2008 20:22

what a way to start someone's life!

by trickery, if that is truly the case.

when such a thought crossed my head i would think, 'the least my child deserves is a man who so wanted him/her to be.'

to each his own, i guess.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2008 20:22

too right, hatrick!

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 20:52

the thing is, he was the step dad to my dd, who he ADORES, and obviously she is female!!! and it never crossed his mind not to love her because she was a girl!!
he is worried that our 2 dc (including my dd)will forever feel unloved as they wont live with him but the baby will.
So maybe he is making a big deal about NOT wanting the baby to make them FEEL more wanted..

im sure when it comes along he will totally adore it, whether he hides this from us is another story, but at the end of the day, it really is nothing to do with me really, even thought its all happened only 2 months after we split up.

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Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 20:53

though, not thought

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TotalChaos · 03/02/2008 20:58

I think you should encourage your ex to give his partner the benefit of the doubt over this PG, in particularly for the sake of the innocent baby involved in all this, and to try and drop the resentment/poor me act.

hatrick · 03/02/2008 21:06

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Fireflyfairy2 · 03/02/2008 21:08

You sound as if you relish the thought of your ex not wanting the other baby

he is most likely saying what he thinks you want to hear "No other child will be as important as the ones I have with you"

Bollox quite frankly.

I think he is a coward & I think he shouldn't be discussing his other family with you. He should be talking to his girlfriend.

She is most likely over the moon to be having a baby after being told for years she couldn't... how dare your ex take the happiness away from her.. just because he was too stupid to wear a condom.

I think you should stay out of it actually, it isn't any of your business tbh.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 21:13

oh my god yes, it is my huge ISSUE with him at the moment, and unfortunately he HAS said all of this in front of dd at times! [shock}

What a wanker, he makes me fume that he would say that in front of her, although he has agreed it is out of order. When we were together he used to go off with ds and say to me and my dd, "go away, this is the BOYS' club, girls are not allowed." But claim it was all in good spirits.

My main concern in this whole situation is that the new baby and our ds (who he "jokingly" refers to as The Chosen One )will be totally adored (as im sure the baby WILL be!!) but that my poor dd will get left on the scrapheap.
DD has even voiced this herself, that when XXXX and xxx have their baby, she will be "forgotten".

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Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 21:15

Firefly, not i do not relish the thought of him rejecting the baby, far from it!! i feel sorry for the poor little thing, especially as he is claiming not to be interested merely because she is female!

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carmenelectra · 03/02/2008 21:22

Ooh im not liking the fact that he said his first two kids will always come first. I have two kids with my dp and he has a son with his ex and if i ever found out he had been discussing our private business with his ex i would probably leave him! And i would be gutted if i thought his first child meant more to him. Why cos he prefers the fuirst mother by any chance??

He shouldnt be telling you any of this and if i were you id refuse to listen. Doe shis new partner know he texts you? He needs to outside support, not from you.

His girlfriend may or may not have tricked him and if she has she is a silly girl cos i dont think any good ever comes of situations like this. He will love the baby, im sure, in the end, but will resent her.

carmenelectra · 03/02/2008 21:23

Sorry i meant prefers the first mother

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 03/02/2008 21:27

nah he doesnt prefer the first mother (ie me)just our kids!! but i am sure he will love the baby once its born.. i think the fact that its not born yet is the trouble.. and when it is here, real flesh and blood, then there will be nothing else to do apart from love it, like he loved our dc.

i agree he shouldnt be texting me all the time and telling me about his home life though..

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carmenelectra · 03/02/2008 21:27

And he should have taken some responsibilty for contraception if its a new relationship and he was adamant he didnt want kids.

My dp told me that his ex got preg accidently on purpose and i know if it difficult as blokes often get 'trapped'. My dp had been with her for yrs so why would he not believe she was taking the pill? Then again, i suppose he couldnt have been that bothered about getting her pregnant.

carmenelectra · 03/02/2008 21:31

Its not your fault hes texting, as you have nothing to lose, its his problem. Im just trying to see it from the other side as the 'new' girlfriend. I would been furious and so upset if my dp had spoken/texted his ex about my pregnancy.And discussed his personal feelings.

Maybe you just need to make sure that you dont encouarge it.