I'm finding every single thing dh does annoying

[Shesasuperfreak]

Its been about 2 months now but I can't stand how he coughs, how he sits when he eats, the way he touches the wall with an open palm leaving the wall dirty.

Such minor, minor things but they have become a big deal to me until times like this when I can reflect and thing why are they bothering me so much.

It isn't just things like that, its everything. He talks and mansplains to the children over every interesting TV show then asks what happened because he wants to make a clever point all the time.
If I'm telling a story he will butt in and exaggerate parts and then I have to correct what he is saying.

He goes off on rants (like I am now...) and tells the same facts over and over. I've had enough! I've snapped and I am becoming rude and nasty. I will say stop ranting, or I will rewind a show and say I didnt hear a thing because you were talking, or stop palming the fucking wall!

How can I calm down? I know that it's my tolerance and my irritability because whats he's doing he has been doing for 13 years.

I feel exactly the same with my DH.

With us, it's a symptom of fundamental problems in our relationship (I really want us to split up) but the day to day irritation and even contempt his behaviour brings out in me is sometimes overwhelming and also deeply unhealthy for me, him and the kids to witness.

I've no helpful advice I'm afraid, merely a bit of solidarity!

Have you told him the things that bother you, during the 13 years? If so, how did he respond? If not, what is it that stops you?

Maybe this is The Ick everyone talks about?

I never used to find it that irritating but the feeling has grown. I have said "babe I can't hear the tv" but now its so predictable I can smell a rant when he starts.

Yesterday he hung his jacket over the hallway cupboard door so the door swung out and blocked the bathroom entrance.

I have told him before to hang it inside the cupboard many times. Yesterday I just looked at him and took the coat and put it on the floor, shut the door and walked away. Its very petty. If someone saw it they would think I'm a bitch but it pissed me off so much.

He also tells the children to put his plate/crisp packet/wrapper in the kitchen. 9/10 they will just leave it on the side and I will end up putting it away whilst shouting "Guys, can you put in inside the sink please or the bin and not on the side". Yesterday I took the wrapper from the side and brought it back into the sitting room and told him to stop getting the kids to do his dog work.

I feel like an over controlling Disney villain but it bothers me so much and its so repeatable it makes me want to scream

Sounds like the ick or post pregnancy.

Gosh, it might be the Ick. But why now?

I can smell a rant when he starts

What does this mean? Does he have a go at you if you raise issues?

And you're asking 'Why now?' It's because you've had enough. Same as when you're hungry and you sit down to a big meal. You don't ask 'Why now?' when you have to stop eating. You just recognise that that's enough, and things you found acceptable/liked before are now things that make you balk.

Your pot has boiled over. Basically you’ve got to the end of your tether and you are done. I don’t think there’s anyway back from this, unless he has a personality transplant.

Do you think you’d be happier separated? Sounds like you might be.

The relationship doesn't sound relaxing or fun for either of you.

Yes those are irritating traits, but they don't sound new? At some point you chose him in spite of this? What's changed?

How do you guys normally handle minor disagreements in your relationship?

I never realised touching the wall was wrong :-o I guess I just have very dirty walls, lol.

Its means when a TV show or the radio will talk about something that will trigger him to start hammering home a point that we have all heard thousands of times.

Its like an interesting factoid being brought up over and over. And he will roll them off and sometimes they are totally bullshit and I don't want the kids tbelieve e what he is saying so I will have to correct it.

Even now I feel guilty talking about him as its a new day and nothing has happened yet but by the evening I will filled with this rage.

I was like this with ex-DH towards the end.

The way he sucked his tea in and exhaled through his nose after he swallowed it.
The way he rubbed his nose.
The way he did everything.

I waited for the straw that broke the camel’s back. Wish I did it sooner.

'Your pot has boiled over'.

That is such a good description, for me at least! I spent years ignoring/ tolerating/pretending to be amused by various personality traits, then one day I snapped and there is no going back. Once you've seen the light, it's impossible to ignore.

Actually, I do have some helpful advice - if you can, get some individual counselling. Not to talk about him or his behaviour, but to talk about you and how you've got to this place.

Are you peri menopausal by any chance? Only asking as it’s very common in that stage of life to find your partner irritating beyond belief!

My aunt said that she planned to leave my uncle every day through hers but managed not to and they were happily married for another 30 years afterwards until he died. I was annoyed by my dh for a while but am fine now I’m on hrt!

It might not be that at all but worth considering…

With the walls.

In the sitting room by the light switch the wall is very dirty. Over the years I will clean the wall, the palm and finger prints and they will return.

Everything was repainted a few months ago and I said to everyone please don't touch the walls because it looks dirty and everyone didn't until I started to see big greasy palm prints on the walls.

In the beginning you can just wipe them away but over time they stain the wall grey and dirty and wiping them does nothing.

I watched to see who was doing it as everyone will deny it and I saw Dh every time he came into the sitting room touching the walls as he walked through the door and on his way out too.

I said stop palming the walls and he got offended and put his hand over the palm marks, "Its not me its a small print, my hand is big look!".

So I waited for him to come in palm cocked reading to touch the wall and when he touched it I told him again to stop touching the fucking walls.

Now I have given up and the wall is dirty and it looks like it hasn't been painted for years.

My periods are all over the place due to copper coil but I'm too young to be peri menopausal I think. So I dont think it's that.

I feel like this a lot of the time but I'm 99% sure I am in peri. Hate to say it OP but if irritates the shit out of you now, it will only get worse when you do hit the joys of peri. Much of what you said would annoy the most patient of women.

This! This is how I live my life. I’ve genuinely been ruminating on whether I’ve just become evil and controlling somehow.
i try to not say anything but everything he does seems either ridiculous, neglectful or just plain annoying. I last about two minutes before saying something every time.

I want to go and live on my own with my children. I really don’t want to live with the irritating git in my eventual retirement. But I can’t see a way out without hugely disrupting the kids lives.

when is enough enough I wonder?

I got like this over lockdown. I couldn't even tolerate the way he breathed. It was awful. I just dont feel loke that anymore. I adore him again. His breathing hasn't changed 🤣. We were just around eachother too much in lockdown and we were both deeply stressed and unhappy. We are in a different place now and the irritations are (almost) gone.

I feel your pain. My dad is exactly like this. Luckily I don't have to live with him. I think I would have snapped by now. As it is, a week over Xmas and I want to kill either him or myself just to make it stop!

I don't know what the answer is except maybe divorce?

Yeah, it is. I absolutely hate the phrase, but there is definitely truth in it. Once you get to the stage where things annoy you that involve the way someone acts or a part of their personality, there's rarely a way back.

It seems like you've lost what you like about each other. Living with someone is generally irritating, both parties always need to culture and can't have things exactly how they'd like (level of cleanliness, level of noise.....). But usually that is overshadowed by the joy or comfort or companionship of having them there. It's like you've lost the fondness that balances the irritation ("I wish he wouldn't make those hand marks but I'm so glad to he's here to make them").

Not culture, compromise!

This happened to me when I hit perimenopause in my mid 40's. He's still annoys the hell out of me but I've coped better since I started hrt, I'm not quite so filled with rage.

It sounds exactly like the ick.....but I've also heard this can be very common in peri-menopause?

Why now? Because you were probably too busy when DC were little and focused on other thing and exhausted.
I find some things about my DH very irritating and after a bit of thinking (and a lot of crying and shouting) I’ve realised that most of them mean more work for me e.g where he puts his things and clothes, how much time he spends with DD. So it’s about my mental and physical load rather then his personality. We are working on it because honestly the atmosphere in the house became absolutely impossible at some point and in fairness it changes slowly, but it can’t be quicker due to our personal circumstances.
Just wanted to share my experience.