I'm finding every single thing dh does annoying

[Shesasuperfreak]

Its been about 2 months now but I can't stand how he coughs, how he sits when he eats, the way he touches the wall with an open palm leaving the wall dirty.

Such minor, minor things but they have become a big deal to me until times like this when I can reflect and thing why are they bothering me so much.

It isn't just things like that, its everything. He talks and mansplains to the children over every interesting TV show then asks what happened because he wants to make a clever point all the time.
If I'm telling a story he will butt in and exaggerate parts and then I have to correct what he is saying.

He goes off on rants (like I am now...) and tells the same facts over and over. I've had enough! I've snapped and I am becoming rude and nasty. I will say stop ranting, or I will rewind a show and say I didnt hear a thing because you were talking, or stop palming the fucking wall!

How can I calm down? I know that it's my tolerance and my irritability because whats he's doing he has been doing for 13 years.

Sorry you said periods all over the place, but it sounds like it is affecting hormones.

And they are sneaky fuckers when they are being messed around.

I'd leave him for this alone.

This is exactly how I feel, but mine is caused by resentment from things he’s done/not done during our marriage. We have no relationship, we are two people living in a house together. When my youngest leaves tnere will be nothing left.

I’m just glossing over this issue at the moment with my dh.

We sit either side of our 3 seater sofa. If I move my head or hand or arm even slightly, his head snaps round to look at me immediately.
The stupid fucking gawky look and the “errrm” answer to every single statement or question I ask him.
The ALWAYS ALWAYS bringing every conversation back round to him, his experience, what happens or has happened to him. Telling me or anyone talking to him the same shit story over again.
His driving makes me want to physically hit him. If there’s a pot hole, he will find it and drive over it, he doesn’t indicate until he actually turning, if at all. The way he will go 10 miles out of the way because he had no idea of where he is going and the way he will find the furthest parking space away from where we are going even in an empty supermarket car park, he will park at the furthest spot he can find.
The teeny tiny table next to the sofa being piled high with.. well, rubbish. Letters, empty wrappers, pens, measuring tapes, broken stuff and thick with dust that he just doesn’t seem to see. Just piles on more and more crap.
He just puts stuff down and leaves it there, for months and months. The drill on my dining room table. He will just add crap to it month after month unless I move it.

I have put it down to my peri menopausal irritation and poor tolerance.
Lots has changed to contribute to this in my case so I do get it.

I don’t think it’s a case of ‘blaming’ menopause as such, I think it’s a symptom of menopause.
IMO you put up with these things while you are in the oestrogen bathed, golden years of love and family rearing, then the oestrogen falls away and so does the tolerance.
I absolutely understand how the OP feels, and I’ve even, to my shame, fantasised about my DH’s death so that I can be free of his irritating habits.

My DH irritates the crap out of me and I’m peri, so I questioned whether I should go for divorce or try HRT to save the marriage. I got the HRT, and then gave myself a shake. Why the hell should I take a medication that can slightly increase your chance of cancer just so I can tolerate him. I’m not doing it.
Ive already told him I’m not happy, he said he’d try harder, he hasn’t. I’m just waiting for the day to arrive when I finally end it. That day will come.

He also tells the children to put his plate/crisp packet/wrapper in the kitchen. 9/10 they will just leave it on the side and I will end up putting it away whilst shouting "Guys, can you put in inside the sink please or the bin and not on the side". Yesterday I took the wrapper from the side and brought it back into the sitting room and told him to stop getting the kids to do his dog work

What a lazy c*!! That would wind me up as well OP. He does sound pretty irritating - but I'm speaking as a fully menopausal woman here and my tolderance levels are pretty low

I was like this with my ex husband at the end of our marriage too. My thing was shoes being left on the doormat.. so noone else could come in or out without moving his shoes.

At first I would put them on the rack, by the end I was kicking them to one side.
And lots of other annoying things but that was the main one.

I have had the copper coil for 7 years now but in the past year periods have been very heavy and last month I had 2 periods with only a week in between. I was very snappy and irritated. But I have been feeling constantly irritated regardless of period for at least 3 months now.

I am considering removing the coil just to be free from the heavy periods but I dont want to take something hormonal and become more snappy, I'm not sure how I would react.

If you decide that you want to stay married then try actively seeing his good qualities i.e when the rage is building, notice it and let it pass and try looking for things you like about him, or about your life together or of him as a dad or you all as a family etc. 💐

The fact that your periods have changed in the last year is another symptom of peri.

Two things.

in a good relationship you allow yourselves to be influenced by each other. You tell him things irritate you. He continues doing them. ( ie he is not influenced by you). This has built growing resentment in you.

Secondly you have developed negative sentiment override. You have no goodwill left to explain away his behaviour you don’t like, but have started interpreting this behaviour as a hostile act.

All this has led to you developing contempt for him.

OP, the saying of ups and downs of marriage isn't just a saying. It cannot be smooth sailing all the time.

I am divorced so I do know what being married and being unhappy is like. I also know what going through a divorce is like.

This seems to be a sudden recent unhappiness which you have been able to tie in with another factor.

I don't agree with some of the pp about him sounding horrid etc etc. Yes some things sound irritating but maybe you irritate him at times too.

Is this the ick, the cherry on the top? We don't know that. Only you know that. Maybe there are other factors and this is what is being highlighted as a result?

But you are not alone in feeling irritable and upset at times. It does happen, probably to every one of us at some point.

Is it worth ending your marriage over though?

I'm 41 and been in peri for a year now. My periods started changing 18 months ago just like yours. Peri does give you the rage. You lose all tolerance. I've just started back on antidepressants alongside my HRT to see if I regain any patience. Not that you are being unreasonable, it's a lack of respect if he doesn't take on board what you ask. Plus I find it easier to tolerate stuff like that if my OH is making an effort in other areas.

This is a serious case of the ick I'm afraid. I bet you don't want to have sex with him

I've had this. It is contempt I'm afraid. Many relationships cannot get through this stage. It's a very strong predictor of relationship breakdown. In my relationship, we did get out the other side to a new found respect. It took several years and therapy for me to understand where the problems were (lack of interest/respect for my feelings in a nutshell) and to overcome them (lots of talking, explaining, listening, accepting). We were so close to divorce I'd contacted solicitors and everything. We're now in a far better place though definitely not perfect.

When I say contempt I mean 'the ick' is the contempt/disgust reaction (these are in fact very closely related)

I do think it’s a symptom of peri menopause- most women don’t understand that although the average age for menopause is 52 (ie for menopause to complete / periods to end) actual peri menopause generally tends to start at least 10 years prior to that. Oestrogen tends to start dropping from the early 40s, sometimes even earlier. Menopause isn’t just when your periods end. Peri begins earlier. That’s not to say people should take HRT just to tolerate their shit husbands but it’s really interesting how oestrogen seems to make us blind to how fucking annoying people are.

So much this! Every thread where someone is annoying, selfish, unkind someone tries to excuse it away. But often it's a lack of caring and consideration. OP it might be worth exploring this in therapy, how it got to the stage where you were tolerating someone who really isn't caring towards you or even considers you his equal.

I recommend the Matthew Fray book like the PP to understand the dynamic (he writes it largely to tell men how they're behaving but it's quite enlightening for us too and is written in an entertaining way).

I think most women do understand that, it's fairly well documented everywhere

I was feeling like this earlier this year (and at times I still do, but to a much lesser extent). I came on here and someone linked to this article - it was posted in several papers and I deeply apologise for this link being a DM one (the original was not) but the content is identical and I can’t tell you how much it rang true -

it’s not about the act (the hand on the wall, or whatever it may be, the glass left constantly by the sink, etc) it’s saying ‘your feelings are less important than mine’ - all the time, drip, drip, drip. It’s not understanding the level of ‘stuff’ you do and the mental load. It breeds resentment.

I made my DH read it, and a couple of subsequent times asked him to read it again. Luckily he’s receptive and agreed.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10645457/amp/My-wife-divorced-leaving-dirty-glasses-sink-right.html

Others beat me I see! The author is Matt Fray. Please read it it’s very insightful!

You’d be surprised. I am a member and admin of many health forums (I have multiple complex autoimmune issues) and so many women seem to think that menopause is literally like a wall that hits you at 52.

That's interesting. I think
a lot of my issues have been about this, possibly hormone related too.

Op are ypu irritable about other stuff too, or does dh trigger it in particular? I guess it's because he's so close and we have certain expectations of what it 'should' be like.

Might sound too wooo nut there are meditattion practices which can "re-wire" the pathways to help counter the negative bias.

I also found listing dh positives helped.

It's when you suddenly get a really cringy feeling about your spouse/partner. When everything they do annoys you and you cannot understand how you were ever attracted to them.
They are just yuck/ick and the thought of being with them makes you want to scream/throw up