I'm finding every single thing dh does annoying

[Shesasuperfreak]

Its been about 2 months now but I can't stand how he coughs, how he sits when he eats, the way he touches the wall with an open palm leaving the wall dirty.

Such minor, minor things but they have become a big deal to me until times like this when I can reflect and thing why are they bothering me so much.

It isn't just things like that, its everything. He talks and mansplains to the children over every interesting TV show then asks what happened because he wants to make a clever point all the time.
If I'm telling a story he will butt in and exaggerate parts and then I have to correct what he is saying.

He goes off on rants (like I am now...) and tells the same facts over and over. I've had enough! I've snapped and I am becoming rude and nasty. I will say stop ranting, or I will rewind a show and say I didnt hear a thing because you were talking, or stop palming the fucking wall!

How can I calm down? I know that it's my tolerance and my irritability because whats he's doing he has been doing for 13 years.

As stated by other posters you’ve reached the end of your tether.

Its the cumulative effect of living with someone who won’t change their behaviour to make your life easier. So now you realise that you and your feelings take second place to his. He also won’t admit he even does some of these things.

You have started to show him that your feelings do matter Eg coat on the floor, taking crisp packet back. Your ‘petty’ Behavior is just another way of getting your voice heard. I assume previously you tried all the usual ways - explaining why wou did want him to do certain things, reminding him nicely etc etc. if you have done all these things and he hasn’t listened, your actions are your way of SHOUTING at him.

People often recommend the blogpost by Matthew Fry, My wife divorced me because I left a glass by the sink.

I went to therapy about mine, the therapist says he doesn’t treat me as his equal. So true.

Why are you making this a "you problem"? He sounds like a deeply unpleasant man and you've just had enough of tolerating him.

Talking and mansplaining through the kids' TV programmes isn't something a normal, nice man would do. Ranting at you repeatedly with the same "facts" isn't either.

You're fixating on the dirty hand prints but these are just one symptom of the whole syndrome - the man is inconsiderate and has some selfish habits. It's not surprising you've had enough.

Can people please stop blaming perimenopause when women lose patience with horrible men? Every thread like this, we get a load of "maybe it's peri" replies. As if failure to be endlessly patient and obliging with a badly behaved man means that you're a faulty woman.

He might be doing these things deliberately to annoy you!

Stop reacting and just deal with his annoying habits without comment and see what happens.

I was one of the people who suggested it may be related to peri. That is in no way blaming peri....I think what peri does is to open your eyes to issues that have been there for years when you have perhaps been over tolerant and putting up with stuff you shouldn't have

Nobody is saying her husband is a saint and peri is causing these issues. What we eve suggesting is why she may suddenly be (quite rightly) finding it unbearable after tolerating it for years and years.

There's science behind it that I'll find a link for but I'm sure it's to do with the motherly/nurturing/family building hormones starting to fade and woman actually waking up and putting their own thoughts and feelings higher on the agenda. Rather than blacking peri I think it can actually be quite eye opening and empowering if you embrace changing the things in your life that at making you unhappy (like op with her H)

The Ick can strike at ANY time!

Although, to echo others, and I’ve seen it suggested on other threads before, there may be a survival instinct/caveman thing going on.

Females need males to rear and protect their young, so they (absolutely subconsciously) tolerate shitty behaviour from the male while the children are small and they need a provider.

Then the offspring get bigger and their instinct to tolerate the male wears off.

Your DH is begging to be evicted from the nest…

I got the ick after a while, I couldn't cope with him even breathing near me. I don't think you can get back to normal after it's came

I love my husband and care about him so much but today I've been dreaming about living in my own flat where I don't have to accommodate him in any way! I think at this point in my life (56) every man would eventually give me the ick.

It might be the ick. I don’t think there’s any coming back from it either so I hope not. I’ve had it with both of my exes though thankfully not with my now DH.
The worst one was my first now ex, when he rubbed his fingers together to brush any invisible crumbs off them after a sandwich. His jaw clicked noisily when he ate. He changed every minor anecdote into an exaggerated lie to dramatise his role in it even when I was involved so I knew that didn’t happen. He would adapt his voice and accent depending on who he was talking to. Sometimes calling police ‘cops’. In a slightly American accent without a trace of irony. Dropping T’s if he thought the other person was working class.
My parents have been married since 1955 and my DM literally cannot stand the way DF takes a mouthful of food, chews, drinks tea then carries on chewing the food. And sits on a sofa letting go of his weight from a 45 degree angle.
I guess your DH might find things you do irritating, (same for me of course) but it’s only a problem if it outweighs the good stuff.

You're just not in love with him anymore

The Ick, hormones changing or simply death by a thousand cuts.
Anything else going on? Debt, inlaws, job dissatisfaction, too much together, growing up or apart?

My DP bought a sports bottle and drinks orange squash from it all.fucking.day.long like a toddler. He makes a slurpy noise while he does it. I've asked him to stop but he says he can't. He is an older middle-aged man, with a baby bottle.

I really wish I were joking.

I was one of the people who suggested it may be related to peri. That is in no way blaming peri....I think what peri does is to open your eyes to issues that have been there for years when you have perhaps been over tolerant and putting up with stuff you shouldn't have

I am experiencing extreme irritation and the peri-menopause. And this is what is making it really difficult for me - is it hormone related (and therefore will hormones settle down again and it will go away) or is it something that isn't going to go away.

There are a few things that have really not helped our relationship and I've almost got to the point of shutting down about things (but again don't know whether this is hormone related so don't want to make any drastic changes).

I can't take HRT. But at the end of the day I don't feel seen or heard or like we've got much in common. I have young(ish) dc in the mix so this further complicates things. What went through my mind is, am I irritated with men in general? I don't spend enough time with men (either family or otherwise and obviously don't live with them for habits to grate) to know the answer to this. I know I have lower patience for the dc but this thing with my husband seems a lot, lot more than that.

Watching this thread with interest.

I'd be tempted to paint some grey handprints on the wall !

New poster here, can I ask what the Ick is please

I've been married 40 years and put up with his childish nonsense, his condescension, his mansplaining, his monologues about everything, his arrogance, his rudeness his empty packets everywhere, he doesn't know how to shut a cupboard door, I never do anything right for him. Illness is a competition. He has no empathy.

On the other hand he would do pretty much anything for me.

It's a trade off..worth it..no.

I've had the ick before and after a few weeks it went away. It was during a period of stress and anxiety for me.

Diabetes?

OP: My DH annoys me every time he breathes next to me

MN: Leave him

Who on earth touches walls? What for? I thought you meant he was always bracing a hand on them to take shoes off or something which is annoying enough but he’s just touching them for no reason?

Wtf, that is one of the weirdest things I’ve read. Next time he does it tell him to stop fondling the walls like a fucking weirdo.

Watching with interest, I'm 12 years in and feel exactly the same. He wfh too, it's becoming unbearable, I feel your pain!

I remember watching Sex and the City and thought it was so sad that Big wanted his own place a few days a week. Now I see that is actually the perfect arrangement

I have had this with dh too, it started with pnd, thena bereavement where i was so stressed and angry, went on through peri.

Every thing he did was awful, I'd have to pretend to be asleep otherwise he'd talk mindless shite to me loudly in bed, i also still have to avoid him having breakfast as its so triggering, hearing him munching away, seeing his stupid twee triangles of toast while I'm running around trying to get to work, dc to school etc.

I have felt lonely and misunderstood, and bitter. But I've been trying to chill, doing things I enjoy, hrt, writing a diary, also reading some books/blogs/articles on "what's it all about" life questions, doing The Work ec.

I realised with my brain I was de humanising him and hurting myself more than anything. With my heart I realised I would be totally lost without him.

What do you mean by your hormones are all over the place?

I'm in peri and I was getting irritated by things that never bothered me before. So also hormone related. I'm in hrt now and things are much better, but the fact you refer to hormones may be a factor.

Your periods shouldn’t be all over the place. I have a copper coil and am regular as I normally was before fitting - and this is my 4th one. Could be you’re peri-menopausal and this is having an impact on how tolerant you are? The things you’re describing are annoying enough though, without the added complication of hormones!