Husband won't tell his Dad we're married

[VisaGeezer]

H and myself got married in 2013.
We had just got back together a few months (split after a nearly 7 yr relationship), he was working in the ME, we decided I should join him (not feasible to continue long distance) and the ME country in question had a "no unmarried cohabiting" law.

I was unwilling to risk getting caught and he felt similar.

We planned and had a quick, civil ceremony at city hall. We decided not to tell family at that time. Thought we'd have a "proper" family wedding at some time later.

One reason was how soon it was after getting back together (only 3 months), the other - from my side - was that I felt my late Dad would be put under pressure to pay for a proper wedding (which we couldn't afford ourselves). He had paid for most of my eldest sisters wedding and all of the other 2 siblings'weddings.
I knew if I told my Mum, she'd say he should/ask him to. My Mum can also be very domineering and opinionated, I saw her in action at my eldest sibling's wedding and when I briefly touched on the possibility of marrying a previous partner; I saw her instantly start to dictate the form of the wedding ("where would you have it.... Maybe X place ..... Oh no no, your Aunt had her wedding there, you couldn't have it at the same place she had hers, you'd want something better & different" etc. I knew everything would be like that. I didn't want a half way house between a functional wedding and what I'd really like .... Nagged and pressured by my Mum, with my Dad being made to pay.

We are still together now, just about (!)

We have a 5 yr old DD.

Due to finances and then the state of our relationship (post DD in particular) we have not had a "proper" wedding.

I told my parents and siblings (who have no contact with h's father, stepmother and step sisters) that we'd gotten married before I joined him in the ,ME, meant to have a wedding/party for them but ..... Reasons as above
They were ok with it. I think they were relieved I hadn't had my child unmarried as that matters to them.

H had never told his Dad etc.

I have asked him to, he evades me.

This year, we've received a Christmas card from his dad and step mum "to my son and his partner" on the front, it has grated on me .... For my sake, and because it's deceptive and unfair to his Dad etc.

I know he thinks his Dad would react badly to not having been told but it's only getting worse the more time goes on.

I asked him I'd he not telling him because he thinks we'll divorce (been on the brink twice) and he'll never have to find out - evasive about that too.
Even if we do, I still find it deceptive and low integrity.

How would you feel in these circumstances?

Are you legally married or not? I'm confused.

"We planned and had a quick, civil ceremony at city hall"

By "proper" I mean the traditional wedding with family, reception etc.

Yes, they are. It's really not confusing.

Tell him yourself.

Just to clarify, I told my immediate family about 3 or 4 years ago.

I didn't really discuss it with him or make any agreement as such, I just let him know I'd told them.

It’s such a bizarre situation.

Are you still in ME?

I think you need to tell your husband that either he tells his dad, or you do.

He’s treating you like some dirty little secret.

No, we left ME much earlier than intended due to a combination of factors, moved to another country in the UK for 3/4 years, then back to home country for family contact/support after DD born.

It is really really weird that you didn't tell anyone when it happened.

But yeah, he's not telling his dad because he doesn't think you're going to stay married,i bet.

I'm a petty bitch and if I were you I'd have an "oops silly me" moment and just drop it into conversation next time you're with his dad. "Sally and Dan just had a small courthouse wedding because they didn't want a big fuss, her mum thinks it's a shame she didn't have a big frilly dress do but when we did it before we went to the ME it was so special and lovely that it was just the two of us, so I completely get why they did it."

And then when he goes WTF you go "shit, didDH seriously never tell you!?" and act all embarrassed.

I would be really angry over this but it’s gone on so long that your dh is worried about the fallout of deceit to his father (not saying it was deliberate but my family would go apeshit)

It’s such a bizarre situation.

It is, isn't it.

I have no doubt that he's entirely wrong in thinking his Dad will be upset & annoyed. He is quite ...... Hard to describe but a bit like a big kid.
But the time is making it worse.

I have pressed him only a few times and he said he really really wished he'd never had the "secret" wedding and had just told his Dad and invited them back then.
He said "I should never have listened to you".

Way to take responsibility for his own decisions and behaviour. I don't remember him fighting hard against the plan at the time.

And he certainly isn't dictated to by me normally.

That made me angry too .

It's nearly ten yrs, it's absolutely ridiculous.

It's affected my opinion of him

I have no doubt that he's not entirely wrong

There has to be more to it - did his dad not approve of you getting back together and you husband is worried about being cut out of the will or something like that? I can't imagine a reasonable explanation where a grown man does not tell his own father something so fundamental about his life.

my family would go apeshit

Would they?

I didn't tell mine for ... 6 years and they didn't.

But it's probably because I'm the youngest of 4 females, all married, two remarried etc.

I think they were just glad I hadn't had DD unmarried.

Tell him to tell his dad. Or you leave him.

Tell him yourself, problem solved then you can move on with your life's.

Why do you care so much about what others think? You only live once, don't live miserably over a thing like that.

His Dad is always civil to me, and told us both (to our discomfort) that he'd left blah blah to us in his will.

He hugged me when we first saw him after moving back with DD and said he was so delighted we'd given him a grand dd he never thought he'd had

He hugged me after I lost my Dad (and our DD had been suffering with viral wheeze, we thought it might be asmtha as my h had it, his Dad was well versed in trying to help him as a child) ... Saying "I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time".

I don't think so

Is anyone likely to be looking at marriage records though ancestry or something - because marriage certificate are public records - and such thing can be accidentally discovered.

I'm not sure how I'd feel in your circumstances - worried it might blow up when it does come out - and wondering why he wants it kept quiet.

Im going to go against the grain here. If you decided to do it in secret, why is there such a need to tell someone you know will react badly.
Either get married and the deceit ends or keep quiet.

If this was the other way round and a man was threaening to tell his DP s dad about a secret wedding, hed get roasted.

Hmm that makes it even more strange if things are so cordial between you and his dad. Another explanation could be that he is for some reason ashamed of being married to you, obviously I have no idea why that would be. Either that or he didn't ever see your marriage as being 'real' as if only took place to kind of take care of a specific situation. Does he celebrate your wedding anniversary and refer to you as his wife to friends etc?

On the few occasions I have urged him to tell him/criticised him for not telling him, I suggested softening the "blow" by telling him we were having a v belated family wedding party and DJing so somewhere nice.

He acknowledged that was an idea, but has not once followed through on that. Admittedly we seem to be perpetually broke but it's not just that; I think he just dreads telling his father and also thinks we'll divorce at some point without him having to be told (in fact what's the point in upsetting him if we're probably going to divorce anyway).

*doing so, not DJing (!)

Either that or he didn't ever see your marriage as being 'real' as if only took place to kind of take care of a specific situation

Perhaps.

We got married so we wouldn't be living in the ME together unmarried and putting ourselves at the mercy of the whims of the law there, but also because we had gotten back together after a pretty long relationship that had not progressed as such and we both wanted to show some commitment and do something meaningful. It was quite a special, emotional ceremony; I could see the emotion in his eyes etc when we exchanged vows. That state of affairs has long changed now however.

Do you even want to be married to this person? It sounds like you don’t even like him. I don’t understand why you care so much that his dad doesn’t know you’re married when you’re unlikely to stay married for long by the sound of it.

Does he celebrate your wedding anniversary and refer to you as his wife to friends etc?

He took his cue from me re the wedding anniversary and I will hold my hands up and say I'm the most forgetful, flaky, spacey person when it comes to anniversaries, even birthdays. I have forgotten his birthday at least once. I realised ok the day and of course dashed to get presents and apologised I used to forget about the anniversary and he joked about that for a while bit then we both just never bothered mentioning it or marking it.