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Original poster

Husband won't tell his Dad we're married

84 replies

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 19:18

H and myself got married in 2013.
We had just got back together a few months (split after a nearly 7 yr relationship), he was working in the ME, we decided I should join him (not feasible to continue long distance) and the ME country in question had a "no unmarried cohabiting" law.

I was unwilling to risk getting caught and he felt similar.

We planned and had a quick, civil ceremony at city hall. We decided not to tell family at that time. Thought we'd have a "proper" family wedding at some time later.

One reason was how soon it was after getting back together (only 3 months), the other - from my side - was that I felt my late Dad would be put under pressure to pay for a proper wedding (which we couldn't afford ourselves). He had paid for most of my eldest sisters wedding and all of the other 2 siblings'weddings.
I knew if I told my Mum, she'd say he should/ask him to. My Mum can also be very domineering and opinionated, I saw her in action at my eldest sibling's wedding and when I briefly touched on the possibility of marrying a previous partner; I saw her instantly start to dictate the form of the wedding ("where would you have it.... Maybe X place ..... Oh no no, your Aunt had her wedding there, you couldn't have it at the same place she had hers, you'd want something better & different" etc. I knew everything would be like that. I didn't want a half way house between a functional wedding and what I'd really like .... Nagged and pressured by my Mum, with my Dad being made to pay.

We are still together now, just about (!)

We have a 5 yr old DD.

Due to finances and then the state of our relationship (post DD in particular) we have not had a "proper" wedding.

I told my parents and siblings (who have no contact with h's father, stepmother and step sisters) that we'd gotten married before I joined him in the ,ME, meant to have a wedding/party for them but ..... Reasons as above
They were ok with it. I think they were relieved I hadn't had my child unmarried as that matters to them.

H had never told his Dad etc.

I have asked him to, he evades me.

This year, we've received a Christmas card from his dad and step mum "to my son and his partner" on the front, it has grated on me .... For my sake, and because it's deceptive and unfair to his Dad etc.

I know he thinks his Dad would react badly to not having been told but it's only getting worse the more time goes on.

I asked him I'd he not telling him because he thinks we'll divorce (been on the brink twice) and he'll never have to find out - evasive about that too.
Even if we do, I still find it deceptive and low integrity.

How would you feel in these circumstances?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 28/12/2022 00:16

It’ll all be irrelevant when you divorce, which doesn’t sound like it will be long. It’s insulting, I agree, but I don’t think forcing the issue is going to save the marriage.

JustKittenAround · 28/12/2022 00:29

You both have a 5 year old child. I don’t see why your marriage is going to ruffle any feathers or be a big deal. You literally had a child with this man!

Opine · 28/12/2022 00:32

@MolliciousIntent how can you be bothered with all that? I have an in law that does all that passive aggressive nonsense and it’s infantile. Have the backbone to Say what you want to say like an adult or don’t say it at all.

OP tell FIL you’re married. Just say it and get it done with. Even if you divorce the fact still remains & all else aside it is your DC’s truth. Her parents are married & were married when she was born & that’s that. Whatever happens next is another story. DH is likely just embarrassed because it’s not exactly the norm but once it’s out he’ll probably be relieved.

LinesAndDot · 28/12/2022 00:45

MuggleMe · 27/12/2022 22:29

I think the timing is perfect to plan a 10 year wedding anniversary party for next year.

I agree. Work out a letter/invite to send to both families, saying you had a small civil ceremony back in 2013 and why, but you always meant to celebrate with family and friends and the 10 yr anniversary is the perfect time.

You could adjust the one to DH’s family, trying to soften the blow abit saying “we’d almost forgotten about it ourselves” etc.

if DH resists, tell him the truth needs to come out and this is the best/gentlest way for it to do so. If it doesn’t come out this way, then it will either come out from you or your family or even your daughter saying something one day to them. (Or during divorce proceedings when they try and give incorrect legal advice!)

Use the 10 yr anniversary as a great excuse, tell everyone and get some marriage counseling to decide if you are going. To continue to be married.

Luana1 · 28/12/2022 08:29

So you didn't change your name (nothing wrong with that btw I didn't either), you don't wear a wedding ring, you don't remember/acknowledge your anniversary and it took you years to tell your own family that you are married - no wonder your husband doesn't seem to consider himself properly married. The part I don't understand is if it took you years to tell your family, you must have agreed with his view on not telling anyone, so what changed and why does he have to change his mind about telling his family just because you did after some years had passed?

justasking111 · 28/12/2022 10:00

Luana1 · 28/12/2022 08:29

So you didn't change your name (nothing wrong with that btw I didn't either), you don't wear a wedding ring, you don't remember/acknowledge your anniversary and it took you years to tell your own family that you are married - no wonder your husband doesn't seem to consider himself properly married. The part I don't understand is if it took you years to tell your family, you must have agreed with his view on not telling anyone, so what changed and why does he have to change his mind about telling his family just because you did after some years had passed?

@VisaGeezer has said that it was a legal contract to enable them to be together in the ME. So no it's harder to feel married but it does offer legal protection. We have friends who did it purely for this reason on advice from the solicitor. It hasn't enhanced their relationship either

Upfartooearly · 28/12/2022 10:23

Is there any chance your FIL or any of his family suspects - if they have an understanding of the legal view of cohabiting couples in the Middle East?

Luana1 · 28/12/2022 10:33

justasking111 · 28/12/2022 10:00

@VisaGeezer has said that it was a legal contract to enable them to be together in the ME. So no it's harder to feel married but it does offer legal protection. We have friends who did it purely for this reason on advice from the solicitor. It hasn't enhanced their relationship either

Show quote history

Yes I got that, but wondering why the OP now wants everyone to know when she was presumably happy for no-one knowing for many years..

Fenella123 · 28/12/2022 10:42

Ha, tell him his Dad needs to know in case you get divorced!
I remember when my BiL ran off with someone at work, there was a lot of hasty will-rejigging by the oldies, who wanted to remove any possibility of that so-and-so getting his hands on their cash if they dropped dead suddenly.

Fenella123 · 28/12/2022 10:44

PS IANAL but although your general point about keeping the inheritance separate & divorce is good, law being law there are probably still one or two exceptions...

Ticketyboots · 28/12/2022 11:01

You have so much contempt for this man and it seems this is just another stick to beat him with - you seen determined to dominate his relationship with his father and throw a grenade on your marriage.

Life can be kinder, calmer and peaceful.
No need for the histrionics and drama.

For the sake of your DD - you can decide that this relationship has run its course - you are not compatible but have enough adult emotional intelligence to decide to go your separate ways with dignity whilst prioritising the cooperation of co-parenting your DD.

It can be clean and neat. Or you can gnash your teeth and find any excuse to rage and be furious. No need for unnecessary hurt for your DD.

GiltEdges · 28/12/2022 11:11

The fact that he won't have the honesty, integrity and balls to tell his Dad is one of the things that has sapped my respect and liking for him.

Right. Except you also didn’t have the “honesty, integrity or balls” to tell your own family for SIX YEARS. Just because you chose to at that point, and presented it to him as a fait accompli, why does that mean he should automatically be required to do the same with his side? Your stances are equally valid and you chose to go along with a secret wedding in the first place, so suck it up 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 12:35

The part I don't understand is if it took you years to tell your family, you must have agreed with his view on not telling anyone, so what changed

As I've outlined in the thread the two factors were;

A. Not having the money to have a family/official wedding as we intended from the beginning.
*It was never intended to be a "secret" ongoing - only done secretly and cheaply so I could join him in the ME - with the intention an official wedding being had in the not too distant future.

B. Having a child. As I mentioned my family was very uncomfortable about me having a child supposedly unmarried and were relieved to hear I had not.

The fact that we had failed to be able to afford and therefore have the intended official/family wedding by that point ... and having a child together are there main reasons why I told my family at that time.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 12:43

Luana1 · 28/12/2022 10:33

Yes I got that, but wondering why the OP now wants everyone to know when she was presumably happy for no-one knowing for many years..

Show quote history

Again .... There was never intended to be a secret kept for years .... It was a temporary solution, with the intention of an official wedding in future. We thought we'd not have to potentially upset or annoy them by telling them we'd married quickly in secret.

That wedding did not happen for various combined financial etc reasons. Time, as it always does, flew by very quickly. My work was busy, his beyond hectuc. We never seemed to have the money, if we did have a bit,bye desperately wanted a holiday instead of booking a wedding. We had a child who didn't sleep through the night til 3. Our relationship was affected adversely as many people's are, by parenting newborn and then baby. Etc etc etc

I felt it unfeasible to continue not telling my family we were actually married, when the official/family wedding did not happen. In general, bit especially after I had our DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 12:47

Upfartooearly · 28/12/2022 10:23

Is there any chance your FIL or any of his family suspects - if they have an understanding of the legal view of cohabiting couples in the Middle East?

I don't think so.

Incidentally a lot of couples there actually wore wedding rings and just pretended to be married there to cohabit.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 12:56

In any case, I have spoken to him this morning about how uncomfortable I feel about his father etc not knowing we're married. ... And suggested the ten year anniversary party thing

With the possibility of implying that the original wedding was in the ME if he thinks his Dad will be too annoyed that he wasn't told or invited here, though I'd prefer not to lie at all.

He has agreed, apparently.

It irritates me that I should have to have raised this, again.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 13:07

You have so much contempt for this man

A lot of women have deep resentment for men who fail to comprehend what parenting a baby is like in the earliest years ... And who make their wives/partners lives harder and more stressful because of their lack of "comprehension".

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 13:07

At exactly the time when their wife or psrhber had never been k

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 13:09

Posted accidentally - at exactly the time that their wife or partner has never been more dependant.... In my case I had to leave my secure job to return home to try to get family support in general but especially if we split up.

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 28/12/2022 14:08

I felt it unfeasible to continue not telling my family we were actually married, when the official/family wedding did not happen. In general, bit especially after I had our DD.

You felt it was feasible for several years until you decided it no longer was. He still thinks it's feasible. It seems like the only thing he's done wrong is be on a different timescale to you.

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 14:33

MarshaMelrose · 28/12/2022 14:08

I felt it unfeasible to continue not telling my family we were actually married, when the official/family wedding did not happen. In general, bit especially after I had our DD.

You felt it was feasible for several years until you decided it no longer was. He still thinks it's feasible. It seems like the only thing he's done wrong is be on a different timescale to you.

I have explained - increasingly as nauseum - the two reasons why I felt it was infeasible to continue to not tell our families we had gotten married. Anyone - having not held the family wedding they intended to by 4 or 5 years later, and now having a child, would be reasonable to think that.

It was increasingly I appropriate, deceptive and unfair. Things kept cropping up that highlighted it.

I wasn't the one being unreasonable by telling not telling my family, I'm not the one being unreasonable by continuing to keep it from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 14:35

In any case, he doesn't think it's feadibje - he just doesn't want to listen to his father. He finds him hard work at the best of times.

It's avoidant and immature.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 14:37

*unfeasible

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 28/12/2022 15:17

But it's all about what you felt and what you want. You started the deception, you kept up the deception, you decided to end the deception.
You were OK with the lying when it worked for you, then it stopped working for you so you told your family. The lying is still working for him.
I just don't see how the two of you are any different. He's doing exactly what you've done.

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 15:24

MarshaMelrose · 28/12/2022 15:17

But it's all about what you felt and what you want. You started the deception, you kept up the deception, you decided to end the deception.
You were OK with the lying when it worked for you, then it stopped working for you so you told your family. The lying is still working for him.
I just don't see how the two of you are any different. He's doing exactly what you've done.

We both agreed to the plan before we got married.

He's no shrinking violet, he's got his own mind, he's his own boss, he's definitely not backward in doing what suits him .......

Stop making up narratives that are not in any way indicated by what an op said. You are a perfect example of the sort of posters who crawl out of the woodwork on every thread to make it a shit show.

The agreed plan didn't work out, I acted appropriately, he hasn't.

OP posts:
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