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Original poster

Husband won't tell his Dad we're married

84 replies

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 19:18

H and myself got married in 2013.
We had just got back together a few months (split after a nearly 7 yr relationship), he was working in the ME, we decided I should join him (not feasible to continue long distance) and the ME country in question had a "no unmarried cohabiting" law.

I was unwilling to risk getting caught and he felt similar.

We planned and had a quick, civil ceremony at city hall. We decided not to tell family at that time. Thought we'd have a "proper" family wedding at some time later.

One reason was how soon it was after getting back together (only 3 months), the other - from my side - was that I felt my late Dad would be put under pressure to pay for a proper wedding (which we couldn't afford ourselves). He had paid for most of my eldest sisters wedding and all of the other 2 siblings'weddings.
I knew if I told my Mum, she'd say he should/ask him to. My Mum can also be very domineering and opinionated, I saw her in action at my eldest sibling's wedding and when I briefly touched on the possibility of marrying a previous partner; I saw her instantly start to dictate the form of the wedding ("where would you have it.... Maybe X place ..... Oh no no, your Aunt had her wedding there, you couldn't have it at the same place she had hers, you'd want something better & different" etc. I knew everything would be like that. I didn't want a half way house between a functional wedding and what I'd really like .... Nagged and pressured by my Mum, with my Dad being made to pay.

We are still together now, just about (!)

We have a 5 yr old DD.

Due to finances and then the state of our relationship (post DD in particular) we have not had a "proper" wedding.

I told my parents and siblings (who have no contact with h's father, stepmother and step sisters) that we'd gotten married before I joined him in the ,ME, meant to have a wedding/party for them but ..... Reasons as above
They were ok with it. I think they were relieved I hadn't had my child unmarried as that matters to them.

H had never told his Dad etc.

I have asked him to, he evades me.

This year, we've received a Christmas card from his dad and step mum "to my son and his partner" on the front, it has grated on me .... For my sake, and because it's deceptive and unfair to his Dad etc.

I know he thinks his Dad would react badly to not having been told but it's only getting worse the more time goes on.

I asked him I'd he not telling him because he thinks we'll divorce (been on the brink twice) and he'll never have to find out - evasive about that too.
Even if we do, I still find it deceptive and low integrity.

How would you feel in these circumstances?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/12/2022 21:31

Tell his dad yourself.

Let the chips fall where they may.

Your H is acting very strangely over this.
Not telling his dad because then he'd have to go through the awkwardness of announcing you were divorcing is beyond bizarre. You have a child together fgs.

He's behaving like a man who isn't really committed to being married, or who is trying it on for size before feeling comfortable. Linking divorce to marriage in his thoughts is part of the same pattern of one foot in, one foot out.

Tell his dad and stepmother. Mention the 'son and partner' card and say, 'You know we're married, right?'

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 21:33

BanjoVio · 27/12/2022 21:29

Do you even want to be married to this person? It sounds like you don’t even like him. I don’t understand why you care so much that his dad doesn’t know you’re married when you’re unlikely to stay married for long by the sound of it.

The fact that he won't have the honesty, integrity and balls to tell his Dad is one of the things that has sapped my respect and liking for him.

Also it has never been me suggesting divorce..... Hardly likely as a dependant spouse with a young child. I left my job in the other part of the UK to move back near family for support because our relationship and situation was dire. This was in no small part due to his totally unrealistic attitude to the first year of a new baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 21:34

(He didn't leave his job, he worked between the two regions).

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 21:38

Tell his dad yourself.

I wouldn't want to do that to his Dad.

It needs to.come from him.

His Dad is an odd character but had nice sides, has tried to be kind to me, he's been through a lot (lost his wife quite young, hence the step mother) ...... It would really shock, upset and piss him off, I think - to find out from me. He can be very emotional and high drama. He has lots of health problems.

OP posts:
Tannedandfake · 27/12/2022 21:44

It Sounds like this is the least of your problems??
Your marriage seems to be in difficulty?

OldFan · 27/12/2022 21:45

So you didn't tell your family (at least not for ages- and not all of them?) but are moaning that he hasn't.

^I asked him I'd he not telling him because he thinks we'll divorce (been on the brink twice) and he'll never have to find out - evasive about that too.
Even if we do, I still find it deceptive and low integrity.^

If he were to announce you were married it'd be like announcing an unstable relationship on facebook. Will be over eventually anyway, maybe once he's found a 'replacement' as a lot of blokes work that way.

You admit he's not that into you anymore.

What a grim way for you to live.

Find a way to separate from him OP, be the one to end it first and you'll feel a lot better than now, or if he ditches you.

There's always a way xx

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 21:49

I don't like lying at all bug I think the best solution would be to say we were out in the position of essentially having to get legally married while in the ME, meant to have a proper wedding here but money etc etc. Have a party to mark it. It would just highlight how wrong our relationship is (to us) and would be a farce but at least it would be "solved".

Either that or as posters have suggested, I just try to forget about it and accept that it doesn't really matter and we'll likely end up divorced anyway.

I just find it really shitty that his Dad and step Mum are there not knowing he's even married, picking "partner" cards for me. I wouldn't have had a child unmarried (not for any religious reasons bit for security etc).and they think our DD is a child of unmarried parents. When one of his step sisters was taking about TTC with her partner (whom she's paying rent to, to live with) I wanted to say; I'd advise you to get married if possible, for your own security ... your career will probably suffer, not his; but I have to bite my to give because her natural response would be "but you had a child with a man you're married to".

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 21:58

I suppose no matter what happens, he married me, we have been married for ten years, I had his child while married to him..... And I think his Dad should actually know that. He should acknowledge he got married, he should acknowledge his child is not by a "partner" ... There is no way I'd have had his child unmarried. He should own his actions.

Perhaps that is silly but that's how I feel.

I told him the last time this came up that we agreed to do the quick, only us wedding and to have a "proper" wedding some time later. That it was never ever meant to be an ongoing, long term secret.
That due to money, first years of having a child and then our relationship issues; we haven't. That meant we should have, as I did, told our families (because we didn't/couldn't do the second wedding), like I did.

I find him cowardly and avoidant and low integrity for not owning his actions (regardless if the marriage doesnt continue).

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 22:04

Btw what is completely bizarre is that he's twice raised divorce during arguments, and won't tell his Dad we're married, but every now and then is offered another job opportunity in the ME (very lucrative salary in the land of fossil fuels and slavery, of course) and suggests we go. Not him, us. I've even suggested he work away, and he says that wouldn't work.

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 27/12/2022 22:29

I think the timing is perfect to plan a 10 year wedding anniversary party for next year.

justasking111 · 27/12/2022 22:36

You may need to tell him for legal reasons. Re the wording of his will. It would be an added complication if it was invalidated @VisaGeezer

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 22:41

MuggleMe · 27/12/2022 22:29

I think the timing is perfect to plan a 10 year wedding anniversary party for next year.

I honestly thought that was going to say the timing is right to leave lol

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 22:45

justasking111 · 27/12/2022 22:36

You may need to tell him for legal reasons. Re the wording of his will. It would be an added complication if it was invalidated @VisaGeezer

I think what he meant was that he'd left abc to his son, and that - as his longterm partner - it would come to both of us.

He doesn't seem to know anything about the state of our relationship. He assumes we'll not split up.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2022 22:47

I assume you haven't changed your name?

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2022 22:49

Sorry, posted too soon. For some people that would automatically make you a 'partner' rather than a 'wife'.

justasking111 · 27/12/2022 22:51

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 22:45

I think what he meant was that he'd left abc to his son, and that - as his longterm partner - it would come to both of us.

He doesn't seem to know anything about the state of our relationship. He assumes we'll not split up.

Show quote history

You are assuming too much here. Say it was invalidated then the inheritance could go to his wife and eventually your husband hopefully when his mother died.

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 22:55

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2022 22:47

I assume you haven't changed your name?

No, and I never would have, even if I'd had a 500 guest wedding with fireworks.

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 27/12/2022 23:00

It seems to have been all about what you wanted for the wedding, no meddling mum and no dad paying, but what did he want?

Kind of seems to me like he regretted getting married in first place, and as relationship seems on rocks he doesn’t see point in telling parents now.

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 23:06

justasking111 · 27/12/2022 22:51

You are assuming too much here. Say it was invalidated then the inheritance could go to his wife and eventually your husband hopefully when his mother died.

Show quote history

As I said above, he has a stepmother. Also, as I said above that is because they lost his mother quite young.

If he's father were to pass away before we divorced, I don't believe that any inheritance of his would be automatically be mine (in a divorce for example) if he kept it in his personal savings accounts etc. and didn't put it into joint savings or a joint asset. So it's not much different from me just being a partner.

Anyway the "I've left you ABC" is considered BS by my h - and I agree - because there's a complicated situation there with step mother and step sisters (and a full sister in another country).

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 23:10

whattodo1975 · 27/12/2022 23:00

It seems to have been all about what you wanted for the wedding, no meddling mum and no dad paying, but what did he want?

Kind of seems to me like he regretted getting married in first place, and as relationship seems on rocks he doesn’t see point in telling parents now.

He understood my extreme reluctance to cohabit unmarried with him in an Islamic State, and agreed it was safest to get married. He agreed we should make some commitment, having not done so in our long ish relationship.

He gave no objections whatsoever that I can recall to the plan (fast, quiet, just us wedding ... Family wedding some time in the future) but no doubt says now that he didn't t want to do it/shouldn't have listened to me... Because I'm now a convenient scape goat.

OP posts:
Original poster
VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 23:11

He also didn't want to take money from my long suffering, exploited late father .... And we hadn't enough for a wedding then ourselves, so would have agreed not to tell them, because my Dad would've felt he should pay and my Mum would've engineered it too.

OP posts:
Christmasnero · 27/12/2022 23:15

His dad not knowing doesn’t seem like your biggest issue to me

MarshaMelrose · 27/12/2022 23:17

You were happy enough he hadn't told his dad when you hadn't told your family. You weren't bothered about being called a partner then. I think you've enabled and encouraged the situation and it's now none of your business if he tells him the truth or not.

Triflenot · 27/12/2022 23:40

Do you wear a wedding ring OP?

Original poster
VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 00:07

Triflenot · 27/12/2022 23:40

Do you wear a wedding ring OP?

No, I never wear any rings. They kinda irritate me, I feel like you have to remove them to wash your hands properly and I then (being the most forgetful person on the planet) walk off and leave them on the sink. Ive had some returned, Ive lost some, I just stopped trying to wear them.

Got some ceremony rings for the day, not sure where they are.

OP posts:
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