Anyone else married a subconscious mysoginist?

[Popcornio]

I married a nice guy.
But he's not really I've learned over time.

He's a bit of a sheep, follows crappy ingrained societal values and I can see he's part of the problem. He's a sexist but is offended when I suggest so... he can't see his own subconscious sexism, he's not outwardly sexist like some.

Has anyone else married one of these "nice" guys, who aren't really? Has anyone else come across this with their husbands and if so what do they do/say?

'Misogyny isn't a real issue' is just the kind of thing a Nice Guy would say.

My DH thinks that a woman driving an expensive sports car is a waste of a good car!! Watching the lionesses score a goal he will criticise the rubbish goalkeeping rather than acknowledge the good strike. He thinks it is easier for women to get appointed in top jobs, regardless of talent, because the appointees are trying to raise the female at board level stats and male candidates are disadvantaged. Needless to say we have plenty of heated debate in our house. He does help with housework and cooking and I earn more than him so he is still in training.

Why are you with him OP? He sounds awful

What a sad but honest thread. Well done OP I will keep watching.

Mine is very much about equality. Totally great with his female friends and family members.

Until it gets to me. Turn out he's actively hindered me (but subtly, so I didn't realise it was deliberate) doing my degree because I "have children". I shouldn't expect to have a job I enjoy, or aspirations for my future, because I "have children". When I pointed out that he also has children, and has a well paid career he enjoys, he looks at me blankly.

In a million years you'd never guess he thinks like that from meeting, socialising with or working with him.

The role of wife/mother however, appears to be a special case. I always thought the problem was me. Then he came out and said it at Easter. I thought he was kidding, but he said it like I was really stupid to think my life could be different, because I'm a mother. Then he repeated it. He's said it another three times.

Still can't believe it some days. I wish all his friends knew.

I did enjoy telling my female divorce lawyer though. Some eyebrow raising happened there. 😉

It’s the reason I’m now single and staying that way. I have casual partners because I’m afflicted with a sexual attraction to men.

I absolutely despair when I hear of and see women trying and failing to make men into people fit to share their lives and their space.

Men as a group are largely problematic, neglectful, and often dangerous where women and children are concerned. I’m not going to spend my life educating and training them to see women as people and to do their fair share.

Dates, sex, fun. That’s it.

I've had experience of this. It's very strange as I've heard most of these views but when it comes to real life and females they know or actual real life situations, then they're very much in line with feminist views.
It's like they have to be part of the club and assert their 'manliness' but really their actions and feelings aren't the same as what they voice.

@Lookingoutside I'm starting to think along the same lines as you, sadly.

My husband's friend dislikes me.
Told my husband that he's seen my feminist memes on FB and that I'm a man hater.

This man has three children and regularly cheats on his wife. That however, was pushed under the carpet during an argument when this bit of information was revealed to me. His other friends have agreed with this alpha male chauvinistic character and again, his cheating was pushed aside, no mention of him clearly being a women user or a woman disrespector. Or the fact that he can't be arsed with his own kids. Admittedly by him.

I'm the problem with my mean outbursts for gender equality. His wife is an internalised mysoginist herself, sadly.

Thats a really interesting, and true quote. Thanks for that @Thelnebriati

@DivorcingEU I hope you have plans for that degree?!

That’s why I doubt I will ever have a living together relationship again
most men my age (58) have a level of ingrained misogyny that they are frequently unaware of
I get tired of comments from DP about women drivers for example - he’ll then say but you are an exception you are not like most women drivers which doesn’t do him any favours - I then end up wanting to point out every bad male driver who displays this when we are out together - but won’t feed the beast

Frankly I've concluded over many years that nearly all men are like this to some degree. There are those who openly despise women, and those at the other end of the spectrum who support equality to some extent but still believe deep down in male supremacy. Few men feel genuinely comfortable with women earning more than them, for example.

I was lucky in the man I married but I have certainly worked with a fair few men like that. I don't think they even realise it. They will say they are feminists, then be horrified when a man goes part time to enable child care, or automatically assume a woman is not able to be flexible at work as they have DC, while assuming men, also with DC, can be.

That said, it is not just men. Until I had DC I thought the battle for equality was won, and all was equal and fair, and I think a lot of people accept the status quo. I work in an environment where there are a lot of couples, and it makes me sad to see that every time someone has DC it will be the female who goes part time. It is not just men that see childcare and child rearing as a woman's job.

My DH is great, but some of his friends are misogynists. When one of them divorced and claimed his wife is a 'psycho' all I could do was roll my eyes. I would go psycho if my husband cheated on me that much.

My FIL is one, subconsciously he comes out with a lot of sexist crap, which he is then challenged on. In FIL's defence though, he does do a lot more around the house than a lot of his peers, like cleaning and caring for the grandchildren etc. MIL is still very much in charge.

That’s part of the whole scenario though - women are allowed to be “in charge” at home, because the home is the woman’s domain. Everywhere else, men are in charge.
I read an interesting (depressing) article about how men believe that all public spaces belong to men, and women are allowed in those spaces on men’s terms. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Oh yes I totally realise that is what FIL believes. He still managed to raise my DH who has fully bought into equality partially because my DH did see his father pitching in with the house and children.

Unlike my own father or DH's sister father in law, who are in no uncertain terms sexist pigs.

My exDH was exactly like this. I can’t believe I couldn’t see it at first? it’s so glaring now. I’m afraid once you do see it, there’s no going back, and he certainly won’t change.

I'm still (trying to) study. This is my last year. Unfortunately because of having to deal with his shit my marks now are all lower than what I need it for. I'm trying to just carry on and not feel down about it, but honestly some days I can't stop crying. I am capable of getting a high first (not bragging, it's just a degree that clicks with me) but due to the insane continuous stress caused by him I'll be lucky to get a 2.2. Where I am (not UK) that's a problem.

I actually just had coffee with someone who knows him a big and told her what he's like. She couldn't believe it - did but was shocked. "Wow, he doesn't seem at all like that". Nope he doesn't, cos if he did, I'd never have married him! 😂

My STBEXH would Scoff at womens football.

Refer to women as "birds".

If ever he saw a woman (in a photo or something) he would automatically comment on her appearance despite never doing this about men.

He also had very loose morals relating to the use of sex workers which was the final straw in our marriage.

Jesus Christ. I can hardly believe this. Please don’t be offended but my dh would never describe himself as nice (although he is) and has zero opinions on feminism. He ended up in HR because a female van driver at his work got promoted and he went off on a bloke for saying she must be sleeping with the boss etc. first I heard was because he was trying to write a statement to defend some choice language. Just one of many examples. In private he does all the ironing because he thinks I’m crap at it and makes most of the pack lunches because he gets up earlier.

more than one person in my life has lamented I didn’t marry a “nice” guy. He’s burly, wears football gear, sweats like a trooper and is suspicious of anything cultural. But fucking hell even in jest he wouldn’t say half this stuff.

surely it comes up when your dating though? Or do they hide it till they’re secure.

They hide it @Doormatnomore and also, it really comes to surface after children are born.

Pre-kids, I believed that gender inequality was a thing of the past! How wrong I was.

Sorry that was more rude than I meant. I can’t imagine spending learning about each other, round my mixed bunch of friends and family, talking about hopes and dreams and sharing fears, then finding out they don’t want to share childcare or run round with the hoover, think your gay friend just needs the right man and doesn’t want you to age. Must feel like such a betrayal, I suppose cause it is a betrayal.

This is such an interesting thread. I can see this in my DH too. I earn significantly more than him, he’s on a good wage, but I am on more than double. It is simply a reflection of the pay rates in different industries rather than any level of ability. I stopped telling him about pay rises and promotions as it caused so much aggravation. He would keep reminding me that women are promoted above men. When I pointed out that that meant I hadn’t earned what I had he back tracked and said it clearly didn’t apply to me. We can’t discuss it as he says that all women are pro-discrimination against men. I find it so hard to deal with… it is possibly becoming a deal breaker….

My perfectly lovely (normally) partner went to a football match in an unfamiliar town. Found a nearby pub selling decent Camra type beers but told me it was a bit rough and not the sort of pub he would 'take me' to. I put him straight.
This has been the only dinosaur episode though, so far.