Husband is ruining Xmas already

[Pbaby0401]

Im using this space to vent more than anything as there’s not much else I can do at the moment!

Dh and I had a strained day yesterday, his parents are staying with us and they’re not the easiest and it has manifested itself in us snapping at each other throughout yesterday. Eventually it went into a bit of a row and he told me to ‘ go f yourself you f*g slg’, while I was holding our newborn baby.

his parents both heard and tried to tell him how out of order he was and he turned on both of them, screaming at everyone and then went to bed. Both of them said to me that they hope he behaves today.

well he’s woken up and started again, making out that we’re all ganging up on him and trying to make a big deal out of everything. I’ve told him I don’t want to discuss it as it’s Xmas day and we’ve also got 2 dds aged 2&4 that I want to enjoy their day. This is somehow making him more angry that I wont argue with him.

it’s like dealing with an overemotional child and to be honest, I’m wondering if he’s got some sort of postnatal depression as he’s been off with everyone since ds was born a month ago. Either way though, I just want to make today as magical as possible for the kids and he seems intent on ruining it. I’ve just spent the past 20 mins feeding ds in bed with tears rolling down my face. Not the best start to a Christmas morning.

im so upset and angry with him but feel like I need to put on a fake smile and just get through the day.

like I said, I suppose I’m just using this to vent but any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly received.

Really hope everyone else has a lovely day!

Ugh bin the prick off. Men don't get pnd in the same way women do (obviously), they just get pissed off with the extra responsibility.

Often abusive men become more abusive once you are pregnant/have had a baby because they think you will feel trapped.

We already know he is abusive because, well, he's just abused you. It's abuse to call your partner a slag. So, not really surprising he's got worse.

You can't blame that shit on stress because stress might explain occasional stressed outbursts but it doesn't explain derogatory, vile language to the mother of your child.

I'm tired of hearing that men can now get 'post natal depression'.

They may, as a couple of pp have said, get tired or even depressed because of the added stress and responsibility of having a new born in the house, but it's not post natal depression in the same way that women have post natal depression.

It's yet one more thing that women aren't allow to have for themselves; even bloody awful post natal depression is being hijacked and is now, on here, being used as a possible excuse for nasty behaviour by an abusive man.

Is this going to be a new defence to murder now : some 'poor man' who couldn't help himself when he killed his wife because he was suffering from post natal depression.

My dh is far from perfect, but he has never called me a 'fucking slag' - if he did, he'd be wearing his dinner. And he'd most likely be xdh.
You need to have a talk, when YOU feel ready and strong enough. He has to understand how unacceptable his behavior was, and if he doesn't get it or tries to blame you for upsetting him, provoking him bla bla, you have a bigger problem. Hugs for you, I hope things get better.

Well, science says they can. Mens’ hormones go through upheavals when a new baby is born. It’s not just women. Yes, it’s not exactly the same and the risk is much much lower, but there is also hormonal cause in mens post natal depression. It’s not just stress and sleep deprivation causing post natal depression in men.

Here is a website that might be useful
www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-and-co-parents-10-things-you-should-know

Whatever the factors causing such depression in men it isn't the same as the factors causing post natal depression in women. There's a lot more going on with women who have given birth than is going on with their partners.

I don't think it's helpful to label both the depression in post natal women and depression in new fathers as the same thing.

The article you've linked to states a number potential reasons for new fathers' depression, it doesn't claim that hormone changes play a part, only that they may play a part in the new fathers' depression, which is also the case in general depression in both men and women.

Hormonal chances are not a factor exclusive to the depression of new fathers.

They are the same factors. You are simply repeating old science that was frankly, based on sexist assumptions about women being the “weaker sex”.

Hormones also may play a part in post natal depression for women. It’s not a universal or primary cause.

I don't think it's helpful to label both the depression in post natal women and depression in new fathers as the same thing.
Why not? Both are caused by the same factors triggered by the same event. The risk for the birthing woman is 2.5x that of their partners- male or female. It’s not helpful to pretend it happens to the same frequency or degree, but it’s the same sort of depression.

Was it ever about women being the 'weaker sex'? Maybe at one time but, I think, and hope, that that assumption was ditched a long time ago.

Surely it's about women having been through a particular experience that has played a part in triggering a subsequent depression.

Depression in new fathers maybe triggered by the same event but it isn't trigger by the same experience, therefore I fail to see how it can be seen as the same depression.

Depression isn't anyway, a one size fits all situation. Surely all depression is particular to the individual going through it and they will experience it in entirely different ways.

No two women suffering from post natal depression will be undergoing the same experience, so I fail to see how a man who, by definition, cannot have experienced giving birth can undergo the same experience as a woman who has given birth.

OP I hope you still got to enjoy your day with your kids.

True, men cannot experience giving birth. Which is why it’s not called post partum depression.

But both women and men can experience the birth of their child, which is why it is called post natal depression. True that everyone’s depression is unique, so why should it matter that mens post natal depression is individual, when every woman’s post natal depression is individual as well? And it’s not just male partners, lesbian partners of women experience post natal depression too.

Unfortunately, although everyone's depression is different we do need to have catch all terms to describe them to a certain extent, but for me, the term post natal depression, as the term that has always been used in relation to new mother, cannot satisfactorily cover both the depression experiences of the birth mother and her partner.

We don't don't generally, as a society, tend to refer to the particular type of depression new mothers' experience as post partum depression but we should if we're going to talk about partners, of whatever sex, having post natal depression.

Post partum depression is a much better term and makes a definite, clearer definition between the two types of depression.

it’s like dealing with an overemotional child and to be honest, I’m wondering if he’s got some sort of postnatal depression as he’s been off with everyone since ds was born a month ago.

Did he actually want DS ?

I have to agree that he doesn’t sound as though he likes or even wanted children. Op- do not have any more children with this prick.

Even if he did have some form of depression (linked to your baby being born, or not), it's no excuse for being so vile.

I don't think I could ever come back from my DH calling me names, least of all a f**king slag.

Your Husband is an Abuser. What he’s doing is Verbal & Emotional Abuse.
Does he talk to you like that Often? Any man that spoke to me like that would be sleeping on the floor with the Dog.
You need to demand- marriage counselling And let him know in no uncertain terms that if he ever disrespects you like that again he will be moving out.
if you are afraid to confront him about his shitty behaviour then that’s a clear sign that he needs to move out.

@CallieG absolutely never attend therapy with an abuser. Terrible advice.

Also

Z O M B I E. T H R E A D