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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is ruining Xmas already

117 replies

Pbaby0401 · 25/12/2022 07:10

Im using this space to vent more than anything as there’s not much else I can do at the moment!

Dh and I had a strained day yesterday, his parents are staying with us and they’re not the easiest and it has manifested itself in us snapping at each other throughout yesterday. Eventually it went into a bit of a row and he told me to ‘ go f yourself you f*g slg’, while I was holding our newborn baby.

his parents both heard and tried to tell him how out of order he was and he turned on both of them, screaming at everyone and then went to bed. Both of them said to me that they hope he behaves today.

well he’s woken up and started again, making out that we’re all ganging up on him and trying to make a big deal out of everything. I’ve told him I don’t want to discuss it as it’s Xmas day and we’ve also got 2 dds aged 2&4 that I want to enjoy their day. This is somehow making him more angry that I wont argue with him.

it’s like dealing with an overemotional child and to be honest, I’m wondering if he’s got some sort of postnatal depression as he’s been off with everyone since ds was born a month ago. Either way though, I just want to make today as magical as possible for the kids and he seems intent on ruining it. I’ve just spent the past 20 mins feeding ds in bed with tears rolling down my face. Not the best start to a Christmas morning.

im so upset and angry with him but feel like I need to put on a fake smile and just get through the day.

like I said, I suppose I’m just using this to vent but any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly received.

Really hope everyone else has a lovely day!

OP posts:
SpentDandelion · 25/12/2022 09:27

Zero tolerance, bags packed and out the door.
get rid of him and his ugly toxic behaviour.
No excuses.
I live happily and peacefully alone, you can to.
Men who act this way towards women are not to be tolerated, your kids will thank you for it.

Salrose123 · 25/12/2022 09:37

Definitely just concentrate on kids. We re here for a virtual hand hold.
Hopefully he will feel embarrassed and apologise, until then I agree don't give the time of day.

In this situation it's like they want you fall apart so you have to do everything in your power to show you don't need anyone to have great day or be full of joy. You re right its his issues and you re no way responsible for his outburst.
Dont let him ruin it, his outburst a tiny blip. Hope you have an amazing day with your precious LOs and hope PIL are helpful aswell today.

Sending lots of positivity and prayers.

Salrose123 · 25/12/2022 09:40

You decide whether he ruins Christmas or not. Quite frankly you don't let him. Only person he ll ruin it for is him, if he carries on.
Cuddles with kids. At least parent in laws on side, and you can hopefully have a lovely day. Hopefully your DH comes around on his own accord but till then not your problem lovely.

WafflesOrIceCream · 25/12/2022 09:43

He's acting like an overgrown child and the language he used is unacceptable!!I really hope that your still able to have a nice day with your children.Just think about them and not that monster!

Shinyredbicycle · 25/12/2022 09:44

Well, I hope that with three very young children, one of which is a new born baby, OP is not the person who will be ensuring that her in laws are fed and watered!

They're adults, they can do that for themselves.

Thomasina79 · 25/12/2022 09:44

AwW poor you, you are worth more than him. Even if he has some sort of breakdown that is no excuse to talk to you like that!

I hope that despite him you have a nice day
take care

Littlepuddytat · 25/12/2022 09:45

Men don't get post natal depression.

If they do get depression after the birth of a baby, it's not a reason to call you a fucking slag. Unfortunately you're married to an abusive man.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/12/2022 09:46

Pbaby0401 · 25/12/2022 07:10

Im using this space to vent more than anything as there’s not much else I can do at the moment!

Dh and I had a strained day yesterday, his parents are staying with us and they’re not the easiest and it has manifested itself in us snapping at each other throughout yesterday. Eventually it went into a bit of a row and he told me to ‘ go f yourself you f*g slg’, while I was holding our newborn baby.

his parents both heard and tried to tell him how out of order he was and he turned on both of them, screaming at everyone and then went to bed. Both of them said to me that they hope he behaves today.

well he’s woken up and started again, making out that we’re all ganging up on him and trying to make a big deal out of everything. I’ve told him I don’t want to discuss it as it’s Xmas day and we’ve also got 2 dds aged 2&4 that I want to enjoy their day. This is somehow making him more angry that I wont argue with him.

it’s like dealing with an overemotional child and to be honest, I’m wondering if he’s got some sort of postnatal depression as he’s been off with everyone since ds was born a month ago. Either way though, I just want to make today as magical as possible for the kids and he seems intent on ruining it. I’ve just spent the past 20 mins feeding ds in bed with tears rolling down my face. Not the best start to a Christmas morning.

im so upset and angry with him but feel like I need to put on a fake smile and just get through the day.

like I said, I suppose I’m just using this to vent but any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly received.

Really hope everyone else has a lovely day!

I’m wondering if he’s got some sort of postnatal depression as he’s been off with everyone since ds was born a month ago
no he doesn't. More likely he is off with everyone because having three children so very young is unrelenting hard work.

his behaviour has and continues to be appalling.

is this standard behaviour from him? An escalation of poor behaviour you've previously ignored? Or completely and utterly different to any behaviour he has ever displayed before? Be honest with yourself.

if he doesn't improve in ten minutes id be sending him away and telling the children he had to work and continue to make their day positive.

Cuppasoupmonster · 25/12/2022 09:49

I was expecting a bit of grumpiness or kitchen hogging, not calling you a ‘fucking slag’. I could not be with somebody who spoke to me that way. He sounds like a nutter. You need to get rid of him, for your kids if not your own sake.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/12/2022 09:50

After doing a little back search, honestly op, make a plan to leave him. He is a wanker.

weathervane1 · 25/12/2022 09:51

So, the person who is supposed to have your back, who is meant to believe that the sun shines out of your arse, who should have you on a pedestal... thinks you're a fucking slag. Can't help thinking his parents must be revising their opinion of him bloody fast.

Once today is over, you (OP) need to be having a very serious conversation with the consequences of a repeat properly spelled out. His behaviour is unforgivable.

LikeTearsInRain · 25/12/2022 09:51

Discusting

RambamThankyouMam · 25/12/2022 09:53

Early New Year's resolution: leave this brute.

You don't want your baby growing up learning that calling you a "fat slag" is appropriate.

Disgusting man.

Aquasulis · 25/12/2022 09:55

SpentDandelion · 25/12/2022 09:27

Zero tolerance, bags packed and out the door.
get rid of him and his ugly toxic behaviour.
No excuses.
I live happily and peacefully alone, you can to.
Men who act this way towards women are not to be tolerated, your kids will thank you for it.

Telling him he is being vile is not enough. Pack him a bag and tell him and his parents that he is vile and abusive and needs to leave

Sierra1961 · 25/12/2022 09:56

I’m so sorry for you my love, you deserve a beautiful day with your children and what he said to you was so out of order. He’d behaving very selfishly regardless of the reason and should be thinking of others like you and his children. Sounds to me he’s on the defensive because he knows fine well he was out of line, even his parents backed you - rightly so! - and he’s embarrassed.

I hope your day gets better ❤️

Rainbowsparkles29 · 25/12/2022 10:03

Do you ever want your dd's to be talked to like that? If not then you absolutely cannot allow him to talk to you like this. Asides from your own self respect this should be the biggest thing motivating you to have zero tolerence for it. Is there anywhere you can go with the kids? To your own parents? A friend's? A sibling's? If so I'd be doing that and I'd be making very clear that if he is ever so vile to you again then he'll be out. I hope you can have a lovely Christmas xx

beastlyslumber · 25/12/2022 10:04

Littlepuddytat · 25/12/2022 09:45

Men don't get post natal depression.

If they do get depression after the birth of a baby, it's not a reason to call you a fucking slag. Unfortunately you're married to an abusive man.

Yep. Make plans to leave, OP.

For today, ask his parents to leave and take him with them? Otherwise, just ignore them - focus on yourself and your newborn.

JessesMum777888 · 25/12/2022 10:05

Sending love x

Paddingtonthebear · 25/12/2022 10:07

Horrible behaviour and yes he has ruined it, you can carry on and pretend for the kids today but you can’t forget this. I would focus your enthusiasm on the children and everyone else would receive a perfectly bland response today. I think you’ve got some big decisions to make in the New Year. Wishing you strength.

Staggersaurus · 25/12/2022 10:12

Please don’t try to look for a reason for his behaviour that is beyond his control. There isn’t one. Men don’t get PND - pnd is caused by the crazy hormonal and emotional ride you and your body goes through by growing a baby. It’s a woman only thing. Men don’t get to claim that shit too.

I’m sorry you are having such an awful time. Decide on what you would prefer to happen today - keep everyone together, in which case his bad behaviour gets ignored, or get his parents to take him home. Or you leave with the kids. Then focus on making it as comfortable a day as possible.

After Christmas you need to then decide what is best for you and your children. He might improve with therapy and developing some awareness about his behaviour. But the chances are he won’t. Don’t settle for a second rate partner, it’s far better to go it alone than be dragged down by him for the rest of your days.

JocelynBurnell · 25/12/2022 10:14

KangarooKenny · 25/12/2022 07:16

He does sound vile, I hope his parents are proud of what they have produced.
Just get through today for the kids, then LTB !

Attitudes likes this are sickening.

He's a grown man. He's responsible for his behaviour.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 25/12/2022 10:15

Make sure next year it's just you and your kids with people who can act like responsible adults xxx
Your stronger than you know and don't need a dickhead hun x

SuperFly123 · 25/12/2022 10:17

He shouldn’t be talking to you like that. EVER. But least of all when you have just had a baby. Get through the day, then seriously consider if this relationship has a future. Verbal abuse is still abuse and you absolutely do not have to put up with that. It’s not ok and it’s not normal. Hugs to you and your kids

SuperFly123 · 25/12/2022 10:18

Oh and depression/anxiety/ptsd/anything else are absolutely no excuse for it either. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Olesja · 25/12/2022 10:19

I spent sleepless nights looking for gifts for the kids choosing them carefully and ordering them. because night is the only time when I can do it without being disturbed. last night I was wrapping them till 2 am. And this morning I missed the whole kids’ gifts unwrapping. it’s not about Them opening them. I understand kids have no patience. but I’m upset that my husband didn’t wake me up to watch Them open their presents.
I missed the most important part of Christmas. the precious look on their faces is what makes Christmas for me. and I don’t feel like celebration anymore.
Husband justified it with the fact that he wanted me to get good sleep. Then he rethought this and says he was with the baby and didn’t realise gifts were being open.
I drove off in my pijamas and now crying in my car.