Husband is ruining Xmas already

[Pbaby0401]

Im using this space to vent more than anything as there’s not much else I can do at the moment!

Dh and I had a strained day yesterday, his parents are staying with us and they’re not the easiest and it has manifested itself in us snapping at each other throughout yesterday. Eventually it went into a bit of a row and he told me to ‘ go f yourself you f*g slg’, while I was holding our newborn baby.

his parents both heard and tried to tell him how out of order he was and he turned on both of them, screaming at everyone and then went to bed. Both of them said to me that they hope he behaves today.

well he’s woken up and started again, making out that we’re all ganging up on him and trying to make a big deal out of everything. I’ve told him I don’t want to discuss it as it’s Xmas day and we’ve also got 2 dds aged 2&4 that I want to enjoy their day. This is somehow making him more angry that I wont argue with him.

it’s like dealing with an overemotional child and to be honest, I’m wondering if he’s got some sort of postnatal depression as he’s been off with everyone since ds was born a month ago. Either way though, I just want to make today as magical as possible for the kids and he seems intent on ruining it. I’ve just spent the past 20 mins feeding ds in bed with tears rolling down my face. Not the best start to a Christmas morning.

im so upset and angry with him but feel like I need to put on a fake smile and just get through the day.

like I said, I suppose I’m just using this to vent but any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly received.

Really hope everyone else has a lovely day!

It's not post natal depression, he's a selfish, demanding twat whose nose is out of joint because the focus has shifted from him to the new baby. You will be occupied with the baby and his visiting parents will be thrilled by him too. Your stupid husband is creating because it's supposed to be all about him.
Could be wrong but bet I'm not.

This breaks my heart what a bastard, enjoy your lovely newborn and the other two little ones, he sounds vile op, should be bloody helping you not talking to you like that! Poor excuse for a man x

this pointless man as treating you disgracefully back in March, too. Believe him. He’s a fundamentally terrible person. You can choose to divorce him, enjoy your life and model zero tolerance for misogyny to those poor kids.

Thank goodness his parents are there.

Please ask them to deal with their tantrumming child while you take care of your nice kids.

It doesn't have to be magical. It's just a day and a meal- too high expectations will only cause stress.

Hosting visitors so soon after a newborn baby was probably a big ask.

Know that all 3 of your DCs have been exposed to repeated emotional violence where they have either seen, heard and sensed this screaming and abuse.

They will be terrified and confused. They will internalise this horror and have no way of rationalising or processing it. They will also see and sense their mother distraught, wounded and preoccupied and this will cause them further distress and destabilise them.

Seriously consider if your precious DCs deserve to be exposed to this throughout their childhood which will lead to their own anxieties and likely chronic emotional/MH issues later in life.

I am sorry you are all enduring this. Try to get his parents to take him out of the house - or speak to them directly that you need them to intervene today to protect the DCs.

Take it hour by hour for today and then as others have said slowly and carefully without drama or letting him know what you are up to plot your way out of this emotional violence.

Olesja I'm sorry, that was shite of him.

You've done all the stressful, time-consuming, tedious prep, he's hogged the fun bit for himself.

He now gets to do all the stressful, time-consuming, tedious prep for the rest of the day while you enjoy your children with your feet up and look forward to a nice lunch.

I’ve been there - hope he calms down and you manage to have some magical time with your children.

Absolutely agree with above.

Excusing his appalling behaviour and calling it PND is giving him a 'get out of jail card' and it's nonsense.

He's abusive. Whatever is causing him to behave like that and speak to you like that it isn't PND.

So sorry OP. That sounds really horrible.

We can all argue with our spouses, and that’s completely normal, but vicious name-calling is not acceptable. What he said to you is appalling and there would be no way back from that for me. It’s a long way over the line.

Honestly I’d ask him to go elsewhere today. He has no right to ruin your Christmas or your children’s Christmas. If he can’t at least be civil then he can go and be alone and let the rest of you have a calm and enjoyable day. And then I’d be lining up a solicitor in the new year. Life is too short to live with someone who treats you with contempt. You’ve got enough on your plate with your lovely children.

Would you want one of your daughters to one day have a husband who tells her "go f yourself you f*g slg", while she is holding her newborn baby?

Stop making an effort. Spend the day focusing on your DC. Enlist PIL in helping with any jobs that need done. He's their son, they must be mortified.
Completely ignore him. Treat him like a large cardboard box. When PIL leave have a, v Frank discussion about your future. If having his DP there causes too much stress, don't do it again. It's about the DC and you. Think hard about the future. 💐

Sending you so much love OP. He sounds just like my DP and I think this will be the last Xmas he lives here. I cannot do it anymore.

I don’t care what anyone says about this, but if ANYONE called my a “fcking slg” I would honestly punch them straight in the face, pack their bags, and never see them again. Idgaf if it was the father of my children, good riddance!!

This.
A lot of couples snap at each other when tired or overwhelmed without using that kind of language. It would be a big no-no from me even as a one off.

And this!

His behaviour is unforgivable OP. I wouldn’t ever forget those words, his vitriol for you and the behaviour on what should be a lovely day. Sending a hug. I hope you’re able to make plans to leave him x

His behaviour is not ruining Christmas, it’s ruining your life.

Narcissists like him do love to ruin Christmas.

How do I know he's a narcissist (or similar) ? Because he just called you, a woman he is supposed to love, a slag. That shit isn't normal. It's disgusting.

Please don't excuse that bs as stress or 'immaturity'. Its not. He's not a man child. He'd a nasty bastard. Seriously op, make this the last Christmas you waste with him (infact, can you go elsewhere today?).

Never ever stay with a man who calls you horrible names. There is contempt there. There's no salvaging that.

I’d tell the bastard to fucking move out and send him away right now with his parents. How dare he treat you like this. You are not safe with him in this state and neither are your children. Contact Womens Aid too.

What have his parents said? I wouldn't tolerate this from my adult children. I'd be putting them straight whatever age they were

Unless this is very out of character, I would be asking your in laws to take him home with them asap and focus entirely on the children.

He called another human being a 'fucking slag', not just any human, his wife, whom hes supposed to love. If that wasnt bad enough, he's calling his wife who has just given birth to his child, a fucking slag. He should be so so ashamed. Its abusive. Its not the way adults who love each other treat each other. I would seriously reconsider the relationship Im sorry.

I hope he’s got his head on straight and apologises today for yesterday. It isn’t something that can be brushed under the carpet, there is something deeper and concerning going on with him.

You mentioned two things that could have potentially trigger the outburst

• he hasn’t been himself since your newborn DS was born.
• his parents “aren’t the easiest” and it’s made you both snappy

So yes, he could have post natal depression which can affect men. His parents staying with you is also a stressor. I agree try to get through Christmas for now, but in the New Year, I’d be getting him to see the GP about possible post natal depression.

I’d also have an honest talk with him about his parents. His reaction of thinking you were all “ganging up on him” speaks to a strained relationship with them. Do you know anything about his childhood?

Perhaps they should not stay with you in future but stay elsewhere and only visit or you just have Christmas as a nuclear family and the come by on Boxing Day or something.

NO NO NO
Men do not get to behave badly and claim PND.
pND is a medical term for a specific type of depression ONLY women get caused by hormonal changes after GIVING BiRTH!!!

People need to stop with the excusing male shitty behaviour.

He maybe struggling with the change of life after the birth of another child but it isn't PND.

Be glad your in-laws have seen this side of him. I'm impressed that they have said something to him-many wouldn't. Don't stay with someone like this for the same of the kids, leave him for the sake of them . Happy Christmas to you and your kids x