How do you get over being 'not good enough'?

[deflated111]

Have name-changed, I know people will roll their eyes, probably.

So how the heck do you get over not being good enough for a man you seriously like/fancy, I won't say 'love' as you need to really know the person, but I feel like I loved him a while.

The point is, he likes me enough to chat just a little socially / flirt a little at times, used to be friendy on SM, we meet via a mutual interest where I've also met his older relative - and the relative and I get on really well, lots of chat etc.

With him it feels like the most natural thing in the world to just be close and hold the eye contact forever, BUT he's not asking me out. I've tried ages ago to ask him out without knowing he was in an LTR as i've only just met himat that point. He said he was busy but that by all means 'come and chat to me at the hobby thing'.
He's then become single after a few years but was away for ages, so I couldn't act on it then. I don't know if he's now single, not married for sure, but too awkward to ask. The relative has recently stopped coming to events so can't get any info.

Lastly, I'm considered attractive but I am older than him around 7yrs - I'm also relatively tall. I think his type is petite blondes but I'm just at a loss as to why wouldn't he even give it a chance by just going out ONCE to see how we get on and if he wants to meet again. As I say I definitely don't repel him going by the mild flirting /friendly chat, but ar some men wedded to a type, and won't get involved with others? Or set on 'no older women'?

I love his communication style and feel on same wavelength, plus I fancy him - I haen't met anyone els in years who has this combo for me. But if I'm not good enough to even try it out, I don't watn to be disrespectful and be direct again. What if he's not single again?

In any case how do you get over the rejection and start feeling good/positive about youreself? Yes I do have two men currently who ar showing some interest but one is 20yrs older, the other is nothing like as attractive as the one I like. I'm not 'young' so meeting single men in droves is not happening, but having met the one I really like, those that xrop up are no comparison.

Sorry it probably sounds stupid, but I just can't get my head around it - if I like a man generally speaking and like the look of him, I would give him a chance to go out and see how it goes, even if only friendship comes out of it.

I don't think it's ever about being 'good enough' it's probably more to do with what a person likes both physically and mentally in a potential partner. One person's fancy is another one's mutton. Sounds as if you've become rather fixated on this man, you should maybe go out on more dates generally and open you sphere. You will be perfect for someone somewhere.

Instead of thinking why aren't you good enough, accept you are just different to what he is looking for. Being attractive is not necessarily going to make him fancy you, as we all find different type of people attractive. For instance I've met plenty of subjectively attractive men but not had the hots for them.

Does he even know you like him?
Just ask him out.

All this drama and heartache. Just ask him out and if he says no then he's not the one for you.

If he says no irs nothing to do with being good enough or not. Hes just not into you.

Speaking honestly, it's unattractive when people think they are 'not good enough'. It may be the reason he isn't into you. Because you put him on this pedestal and yourself, beneath him.

There used to be a formula that said men regarded their perfect partner as half their age plus seven.
So a 20 year old would want a 17 year old, a 30 year old would want a 22 year old, etc.
I’m not saying it’s universal, but very few chaps on dating sites would consider a woman seven years older than themselves, except for perhaps a quick fling.
I think you need to consider more likely candidates and stop obsessing about this young lad - he’s getting in the way of you finding a long term partner.

Thank you, you are all right. It probably is mostly about age difference, even thouhg I do appear younger (have no botox etc either), Babdoc, though his ex was a tiny bit older. Also maybe he still wants children, even though he's past the average men's age for that. He's not a young lad, haha, approaching middle age.
I'm not even saying he must consider me as a partmer, but why not just go out and chat and if nothing more than friendship comes out of it - I'd honestly be pleased and would then move on. I have neen trying this year to meet people online, but so far no one that matches that feeling / interest, they are all ok as friends.
Pink interesting, do you think he senses that I think I'm not good enough? Totally based on his reaction though, I have initially aske dhim out and thought I was good enpough, then I thought maybe it's because he wasn't single, but now it's obvious that it's me that he's not interested in. I dread to think I actually annoy him by approaching him at the hobby.

minticecream I totally get it logically, but what confises me is that he did flirt a little, held long eye contact - still does! When I find someone else good looking but I'm not attracted to them would not hold the gaze etc. So I thought he did find me at least to some extent attractive to him. Maybe it does come down to age difference / and maybe me being tall!
I also suspect he wants someone with a higher social status becaue he's profesionally successful and may want someone similar. I'm intelligent and quite educated (apart from this topic!) but I'm not a career woman.

Yes I know I need to move, I've started meeting people but it's just tquite dreary so far, no real sparkle even of people aer nice to go out with for a date/s, Marineboy.

*move on

Thats not the algorithm for what men find attractive I don't think. I believe it's commonly used for the 'appropriate old enough age' by which you should date someone. More made up bs of course. But not to do with attraction.

7 years isn't much of an age gap anyway.

I think he probably just doesn’t fancy you, and that’s fine. It’s not anything against you, just that he doesn’t feel that sort of attraction.

He’s not interested. Does it matter why?

I’m ‘not good enough’ for Chris Hemsworth but I don’t let it bother me.

Have you actually asked him out!?

you can’t jump to conclusions about age etc when you haven’t even asked him, or you just hoping eye contact and flirting leads to him asking you out?

just ask him; if he says no, then you can move on, that doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, it just means you’re not right for each other

It's not just about looks and age though, It's about personality too. Maybe he thinks you're too quiet/talkative, over-confident, arrogant, I don't know, just not for him.

I find your thought process about this man so strange considering what you write here

Yes I do have two men currently who ar showing some interest but one is 20yrs older, the other is nothing like as attractive as the one I like.

Especially about ‘the other’

Maybe you’re just ‘the other’ to him?

I have guys I enjoy a flirt and banter with but wouldn’t dream of dating

To be blunt...if he fancied you he would ask you out.
And he doesn't want a friend per se...men don't think like that.
Sorry x

Yeh, I agree with the poster who says ''im not good enough for Chris hemsworth and I don't let it bother me''.

I agree with this! and it makes me laugh.

problem is, you've got to know this guy and now you are measuring yourself in units of good enough for the local Chris Hemsworth. Big mistake.

What you should do is GET TURNED OFF.

Seriously, if a man has allowed you to get close enough to him to have connected releationship even if it's a friendship and he knows you have feelings for him (he does, believe me) then get. turned. off.

On a serious note though, self-compassion is a good idea. Kirsten Neff phd and Christopher Germer Phd have a great work book, mindful self-compassion. I got it last christmas and took it one chaptr per weekend, and really thought about the exercises. This time I gave it the thought and the work and it was great. I do really feel better about myself now and I wouldn't hanker after somebody who didn't feel the same way back. I think that is a symptom of a fragile sense of yourself. I used to do it repeatedly.

You need to stop dwelling on him and just accept that you don't tick his boxes for a relationship. That's just how it is.

I understand where you're coming from. I met a lovely man in my gym. We started going out for coffees (for hours), then lunch, then dinner and it seemed very much like dating. It was pretty intense. Then one day when we were out on a trip, I told him my age (I had a bad feeling that he didn't know - despite everyone else in our gym being very aware). I was 51. He was 39. He had no idea. He'd thought I was a couple of years older than him. That killed it. We get on like a house on fire. We have chemistry. Everyone assumes we're a couple. But he didn't want someone 12 years older than him. I understand and I respect his choice. To be frank I would have been so insecure about the age difference that I would have turned into a basket case very quickly and screwed the whole thing up anyway. It still hurt me. I took a break from seeing him for a year. I changed gyms, everything! Now we see each other every few weeks (as opposed to 3-4 times a week like we used to) and it works okay. We're friends. We still have a great mental connection but I keep my distance much more as I'm aware he's like catnip for me and I don't want to get hurt again. He's in a relationship with someone 6 years younger than him now. I'm old enough to be her mother. That's life. I'm now almost 53 and alone and don't see myself finding anyone I have that sort of connection with. You just have to roll with the punches I'm afraid.

It is a horrible situation to begin. I have been there. What makes it so difficult is vou don't know what it is you need to do to change that would make you attractive to him and would it even work.

If you did change you wouldn't be you and how long can you keep up the different personna?

You never know, Oher.
I'vr always been a tryer, I don't usually mind if it's a 'no'.
With this one I felt there was some encouragement, win the nice' category.y would he hold the long gaze etc...so I got stuck.
But it's not even the fancying - if he really doesn't, why the heck not be friends, chat more often about things, I like his mind more than his looks actually - he's not some great looker but in the 'nice' category, not very tall, but I love his face.

You see, I find your last sentence 'strange' - I just dont ever feel like flirting or banter if I'm not attarcted to a man - don't want to lead him on thinking I@m attracted. But maybe he's like you - and that's the explanation.

In that case, the only answer really is that he just doesn’t want to. Maybe he thinks he has enough friends and doesn’t need another one? Doesn’t have time for another one? Either way, he’s just not fussed.

To be blunt...if he fancied you he would ask you out.. And he doesn't want a friend per se...men don't think like that. Sorry x
What a shame!
I've been friends with two men long term, who I don't fancy. They started with fancying me but settled into frienship - but yes, it did start with some interest from them.

"Waddleaway" so he's not fussed, but how do I get rid of my liking / interest - it's depressing to have to kill it, after this so long.

I'd like to say thank you for not just branding me 'crazy' - so many kind messages and advice!

There's a quote that floats around Pinterest and the like which is attributed to Dita Von Teese “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” Not saying he hates you but not that into maybe

PeaceJoySleep thank you! I'll find the book. Easy to say 'get turned off' though!
I sort of used to have that mindset of going for those who werer initiating interest, but I was sort of tricked of thinking he might be interested - I'm not saying he deliberately played games but maybe he was flattered on some level and was friendly in return. It does help to discuss this.

What did he actually say when you asked him out previously?