How do you get over being 'not good enough'?

[deflated111]

Have name-changed, I know people will roll their eyes, probably.

So how the heck do you get over not being good enough for a man you seriously like/fancy, I won't say 'love' as you need to really know the person, but I feel like I loved him a while.

The point is, he likes me enough to chat just a little socially / flirt a little at times, used to be friendy on SM, we meet via a mutual interest where I've also met his older relative - and the relative and I get on really well, lots of chat etc.

With him it feels like the most natural thing in the world to just be close and hold the eye contact forever, BUT he's not asking me out. I've tried ages ago to ask him out without knowing he was in an LTR as i've only just met himat that point. He said he was busy but that by all means 'come and chat to me at the hobby thing'.
He's then become single after a few years but was away for ages, so I couldn't act on it then. I don't know if he's now single, not married for sure, but too awkward to ask. The relative has recently stopped coming to events so can't get any info.

Lastly, I'm considered attractive but I am older than him around 7yrs - I'm also relatively tall. I think his type is petite blondes but I'm just at a loss as to why wouldn't he even give it a chance by just going out ONCE to see how we get on and if he wants to meet again. As I say I definitely don't repel him going by the mild flirting /friendly chat, but ar some men wedded to a type, and won't get involved with others? Or set on 'no older women'?

I love his communication style and feel on same wavelength, plus I fancy him - I haen't met anyone els in years who has this combo for me. But if I'm not good enough to even try it out, I don't watn to be disrespectful and be direct again. What if he's not single again?

In any case how do you get over the rejection and start feeling good/positive about youreself? Yes I do have two men currently who ar showing some interest but one is 20yrs older, the other is nothing like as attractive as the one I like. I'm not 'young' so meeting single men in droves is not happening, but having met the one I really like, those that xrop up are no comparison.

Sorry it probably sounds stupid, but I just can't get my head around it - if I like a man generally speaking and like the look of him, I would give him a chance to go out and see how it goes, even if only friendship comes out of it.

This. Not everybody will find you sexually attractive and that's nothing to say you won't be to thousands of other men but no one is to everyone !!!!!

He might not want (if he's even single) to shit where he eats at he and relative's hobby by having a fling with you. He may also be perceptive and think you're not looking for a fling and would get hurt/disappointed/embittered if that's all it was; hence not wanting to shit where he eats (i know it's not the same as a workplace but nonetheless, people have ruined hobbies with romances that didn't work out).
😂crude but may well be true - I haven't really though through it from his point of view, i.e. he mau have though, what if I go out with her and nothing happens / or a short fling - wha will she do? Become a stalker or even mention smth on SM? Obviously I wouldn't do either, but he doesn;t know me well. Yes it's a risk. While I@m looking at it in a hopeful / happy to become friends if not way, he's actually thinking logically. Even though I do think he likes me to some extent, it's not strong enough to take these risks for him.

Yes, I wouldnt want a fling, but would like a friendship based around times when he's in the UK or even go for a drink after these hobby events - which probably not something he wants or has time for (shame).

The thread has really helped to see through the haze as you have put it all in order, Visa, and others just drumming into me that I should be more positive about myself - I used to be but it sort of knocks you when you aer not seen as attarcive enough when it matters to you. But still, I am much more settled in my thinking thanks to the thread - I really need to knock this on its head.

*thought through

OP, do you think that you are rejecting all or any of the men to whom you are not physically or romantically attracted? Have you not met attractive men whose company you enjoy but to whom you are not physically attracted? Do you think of these men as being not good enough, or rather as men to whom you are not attracted?

Not wanting to date you is not the same as rejecting you. You should stop making any overtures. By now he knows that you are interested, and should his status or feelings change, he knows where to find you.

Oh gosh, you are absolutely right, Mari, so clearly put! I agree, somehow just struggled to apply it to myself being on the other end. I have to drum your post into myself, repeat until it really sinks in.

I’d say this was a load of tosh, I’m late 40s (albeit usually imagined to be at least a decade younger) and I’m always getting hit on irl by early 30s men!

And yet that still doesn't put everyone off. A friend of mine is sixty and married to a man in his early forties. She is beautiful, with the body of a twenty year old, and incredibly fit. He clearly doesn't care at all.

OP when did you last ask him out? from your posts it seems like a while ago, when he was in a LTR. Why not ask him now? Just ask and see what happens. Say, 'I love hanging out with you, do you fancy going for a coffee or a drink sometime and having a proper catch up?' then see what happens from there.

In any case how do you get over the rejection and start feeling good/positive about youreself

You recognise that his decision about you isn't the conclusive decision, and that he isn't the final arbiter of whether you are 'good enough'

And you recognise that if someone doesn't want you, he's not Mr Compatible. The two are mutually exclusive.

Sorry but that's not necessary as a "partner".

(Of course the picture is significantly.more varied and subtle than "men only want women half their age plus 7; but younger men coming on to older women is not an indication they are interested in them.ad a partner ... Who h is what that poster was referring to).

NewToWoo well she does sound like an exception to the rule, body of a 20yo, there aer always minority cases. I'm not hung up on age and had interest from younger men quite a lot - but as someone was saying above, it's mostly for a fling. If he does want kids (he has none) he may well be ruling out anyone older, even if he likes them.
Age does reduce confidence as I wouldn't say I'm superfit or in perfect health. I still ook younger and in good shape but women up to 35 of course do have better/more toned bodies on average. I can't be othered with mad exercising!

I did think of asking him out again (on a non-date sort of), what you suggest is a carbon copy of how I worded it last time with an emphasis of chatting rather than romantic context, and also I did think he would have shown interest once he became single - he didn't have to directly ask me out but he could have engaged more in chat / SM etc - without that I can't being myself to initiate again, I already approach him at the events for small talk but these are infrequent. The point is he knows I haven't 'gone off him' completely.
I think Mari is right.

Yes, exactly- I need to him as not being compatible despite MY view on it. As you say, he can't be if he's not forthcoming.
Well I did mean 'good enough for him', you want that with those you like, not men in general - oh well.

Are you good enough for you, @deflated111 ? Are you comfortable in the knowledge that you will be able to meet someone who appreciates you, and all that you are? And that this guy who isn't interested in you is just some random bloke in a universe of blokes? And that you're letting one random bloke take over your psyche, despite the fact that he has no power at all in your life?

Wow yes Watchkeys I need this philosophical 'big picture' approach, you are right. He does have power in terms of the magnetism, but yes, totally wrong to let him take over. As for the confidence - I know and believe that some men will appreciate me but I'm also painfully aware of my limitations (some self-inflicted for which I blame myself) so those men are usually not on his level socially/professionaly. Not that I can't be happy with a more down to earth guy, haven't met the right one who I have feelings for.

I'm also painfully aware of my limitations

Work on your self confidence. Everybody has limitations. Some people cheerfully accept them, some people are painfully aware of them, the latter will hinder your ability to have a healthy relationship, as it is currently. If you didn't feel your limitations so strongly and negatively, you'd move on much more quickly because you'd know you had 1000 other chances waiting for you.

He does have power in terms of the magnetism

That's like a bottle of whisky having power over someone alcohol dependent. The whisky has no power at all, in fact. The drinker assigns it power so that they don't have to take responsibility for saying no. 'It overwhelmed me' is much easier to deal with than 'I refused to walk away'.

You have put all your eggs in one man ‘basket’

you know you could meet people and they are w really really into you !! And fancy the pants off you

its not that your not ‘good enough’

but your sexual ego is purely from one man who’s a friend and uses you for ego boosts

and for quite a long time ?

Thisisworththan yes, I dd have that in the past, ad as I mentioned I have this sort of interest (at least initial as it didn't go aywhere) from two men but neither of them fires me up, and otherwise no one else on the horizon so far, I don't meet crowds of people. Had two stressful years also when socialising has been minimal. Covid obvs didn't help with the social life and then very stressful house moving etc. It was different when I was younger, had a lot more energy for a start.

Watchkeys yes, self confidence is lacking currently, it's not really low but it's been knocked quite a bit in the last 5yrs, I started to have some health issues and to feel the age changes much more (a lot of hair colouring for one, and you can't fight gravity - I'm not a fan of botox etc but more effort needed with cosmetics and I do NOT look good first thing). For someone who looked very good in their 30s /early 40s it's hard to deal with the slide. Energy is definitely lower, even though I;m not unfit.

And realistically I do not have 1000s chances as no middle-aged woman would have, most men my age are in relatioships or just divorced and shaken / no desire for anything deep. I don't mind younger or older men, but I'm not easily attracted both mentally and physically. I had a few I really got on well with but I didn't 'love' theor face (I'm not fussed about the physique much). So that already slashes the chances further.
It feels totally like a needle in a haystack to find someone I'm steadily interested/excited about AND to get that in return. I know I can find someone who can be an ok company and maybe an ok sex but I find that dreary, but to find something deeper, that's so hard, seems unachievable. And atually this man is not some perfect guy, I bet he can be boring to some as he's so work-focused but I just fnd we are on the same wavelength, I don't get bored even if hes saying something boring to others. I haven't given up, but it's easy to feel deflated.

*something that's boring to others

If someone doesn't feel the same in return, then they are not good enough for you for a long term romantic relationship. It sounds like you need to work on looking after yourself and liking yourself first and being contentedly single and not desperate for any old relationship whatsoever.

Just move on please. He's not into you. Your wasting time on him.

Cats, I've been single for several years now, not helped by covid years when there was nearly zero socialising! I'm ok as a single, but this man I've met about 5yrs ago and no one sort of had a strong effect like this, from a few single men I have met. I'd say I 'quite like' myself, but always room for improvemt with that.

Meanwhle the man who I've just met online and got on well on first meeting but didn't really fancy, has suggested 2d date at his place for lunch or dinner so he cooks - i've never gone to someone's place so soon, but he is an established professional etc, so I know who he is, wouldn't say i@m worried - but I think he may want to try getting closer (I mean just a kiss) which I really don't think I feel like.

It does happen with me that I start fancying someone later on, but purely visually he's not hugely appealingm just ok. I'm sure I can tell him I'm not ready if he tries and that will be that, but still not sure. This is just to show what other options are coming up.
With the man of the thread once I stood in front of him and had a chat, I was instatly drawn - and not because he's really my type, but I couldn't take my eyes off him. So from that, it feels like an effort with others.

*drawn in

That doesn’t mean anything. Men will stick their dick in anything, they aren’t picky about who they have sex with, the men hitting on you probably aren’t looking for a long term relationship with you.

If this was reversed and a man wrote a thread about being obsessed with a woman who wasn’t interested in him and he wouldn’t accept it and let it go people would call him a creep and a stalker. You aren’t owed a date with him, people can’t help who they’re attracted to, you really need to move on.

Am I missing something? He was in a LTR then he went away for a while so how could he have rejected you? If that’s the case, there’s no rejection - just no opportunity as yet.

Honestly? I've only ever met one person in my whole adult life who's company I preferred to my own. But even he made my life harder, filling me with doubt and insecurity. Every single time I've allowed a "partner" close to me it has only ever made my life harder. I spent my entire 20s torturing myself for not being able to find someone and most of my 30s. I'm now 38 and genuinely don't give a fuck anymore. I thought I'd feel like shit today thinking of the parts of my life that didn't work out when actually I feel fine. I feel grateful and full of love for my two perfect parents and I'm looking forward to detoxing tomorrow and improving my body, my mind and my health. Fuck it. I'm the one for me!! Merry Christmas lovelies xx ❤️