How do you get over being 'not good enough'?

[deflated111]

Have name-changed, I know people will roll their eyes, probably.

So how the heck do you get over not being good enough for a man you seriously like/fancy, I won't say 'love' as you need to really know the person, but I feel like I loved him a while.

The point is, he likes me enough to chat just a little socially / flirt a little at times, used to be friendy on SM, we meet via a mutual interest where I've also met his older relative - and the relative and I get on really well, lots of chat etc.

With him it feels like the most natural thing in the world to just be close and hold the eye contact forever, BUT he's not asking me out. I've tried ages ago to ask him out without knowing he was in an LTR as i've only just met himat that point. He said he was busy but that by all means 'come and chat to me at the hobby thing'.
He's then become single after a few years but was away for ages, so I couldn't act on it then. I don't know if he's now single, not married for sure, but too awkward to ask. The relative has recently stopped coming to events so can't get any info.

Lastly, I'm considered attractive but I am older than him around 7yrs - I'm also relatively tall. I think his type is petite blondes but I'm just at a loss as to why wouldn't he even give it a chance by just going out ONCE to see how we get on and if he wants to meet again. As I say I definitely don't repel him going by the mild flirting /friendly chat, but ar some men wedded to a type, and won't get involved with others? Or set on 'no older women'?

I love his communication style and feel on same wavelength, plus I fancy him - I haen't met anyone els in years who has this combo for me. But if I'm not good enough to even try it out, I don't watn to be disrespectful and be direct again. What if he's not single again?

In any case how do you get over the rejection and start feeling good/positive about youreself? Yes I do have two men currently who ar showing some interest but one is 20yrs older, the other is nothing like as attractive as the one I like. I'm not 'young' so meeting single men in droves is not happening, but having met the one I really like, those that xrop up are no comparison.

Sorry it probably sounds stupid, but I just can't get my head around it - if I like a man generally speaking and like the look of him, I would give him a chance to go out and see how it goes, even if only friendship comes out of it.

Be kinder to yourself, because you seem lovely. Don't automatically assume you're the problem, it's sounds like a very simple case of him just not being hugely attractedyou, or attracted enough to actually date you. I've been married for years but still enjoy the odd harmless flirt, it doesn't mean I'm even remotely attracted to the person I'm just flirty in nature. Maybe he's like that too? The only way you'll ever truly know is to simply ask him out. You seem confident and you've nothing to lose. If it's a no, you can move on knowing you've tried and he just isn't the one for you.

I’d flip it be asking myself what’s making me want someone who’s not interested.
he’s into ‘ petite blondes ‘ what a shock. Sorry but he sounds pretty superficial if he narrows his potential dating pool to one hair colour and body type ( which also happens to be one that’s the most pushed by mainstream ‘ what’s hot ‘ )
people can have things that attract them but why for so many men is it ‘petite blondes ‘ . No offense to anyone who happens to be one , I have a couple in my life who are and they are wonderful women who I love
but in truth this ‘ descriptor’ fits a minority of women yet it seems that so many more than a minority of men hold out for one . The numbers just don’t gel .. not enough to go round…

And before anyone ( likely men ) tell me people can’t help who they are attracted to … look at history , Society and media and culture have hugely influenced what a lot of people find attractive . There were abd are times / places where overweight women were found most desirable . Some places it’s very tall women , some it’s petite

regardless of his reasons op … he has his ideas of what he wants . You could try just being straight up and asking him but don’t be upset if he decides no . There are men who will see you as the ‘juiciest peach ‘

Why would you be too old for him?
Would a man 7 years older than you be too old?
If there's flirting etc then take a chance, life is short.

This is it exactly!
They settled for friendship...most men if they fancy you let you know...I just don't think this one does.
Onwards and upwards!
X

That he's not got much spare time but that it will be good to see me at the hobby places / to say hi.

HundredMiles thank you for sharng your story. 'He's like a catnip to me' is exactly right for me too! <bitter laugh>
I'm sorry yo ucouldn't meet anyone else who could match up - we are of similar age and I too look younger, people don't guess right - so you must share my frustation of not having many choices when it comes to available men! AND when you felt that connection, it's the dreadry to just date based on a mild attarction. I have this srtange gut feeling after talking to him in person of loving to be near him - I guess not the same for him, so as you say, have to stay away.

But tbh I don't know how you manage to still see him quite frequently and not be preoccupied. My most cool period was when he went away for many months. But so far I havent managed to stop myself going to events knowng he'll be there.

*it's dreary

WoodentableTop I would say the stereotype is voluptous blondes, though in the 90s it was a waif time - tall very skinny women, not so much emohasis on blonde - that's when I was young so I haevn't experienced a petite blonde dmination and had no shortage of interest as a slim brunette. But he previously went for really 'petite' - short and slim blondes, possibly as he's not really tall, we aer same height, maybe he's an inc taller if I'm wearing flat shoes.

sorry for missng letters!

badassbaby well yes, but they didn't let me know very fast - it hada chance to build up socially then I encouraged friendship once they did ask me out - but we still did go out. With him it had no chance to develop, what I mean is, I did give these two men a chance when they asked me out - which didn't lead t anything romantic but we became friends, so all I wanted is to go out at least once and see if he could become interested.
But apparently for some men it's much more clear cut than for me / women. Women often don't fancy someone straight away but it comes once a man endears himself as a person / personality.

I've tried ages ago to ask him out without knowing he was in an LTR as i've only just met himat that point. He said he was busy but that by all means 'come and chat to me at the hobby thing'.
He's then become single after a few years but was away for ages, so I couldn't act on it then. I don't know if he's now single, not married for sure, but too awkward to ask.

He might not be single.

If he is single, you made it clear you were interested in him back then and in my experience (unless they think you're attached, in fact sometimes even when they think you're attached) people tend to assume you are perpetually interested. To the point, with most men, that you'd need a t-shirt stating "Calm down, Im no longer interested" and even then, they'd think it was a case of "the last doth protest too much".

I think that he would l, esp if he knows you're single, assume you are probably still interested. His lack of initiative/escalation etc on that front would therefore, to me, suggest he is either not single or not really interested.

It could be the age difference, many (most?) men will not date older.

If he has no kids yet and hasn't ruled it out (men, though it's not without its issues, do have that option ongoing til they pretty much keel over) .... So if you are known to be past child bearing age or near it, you might be out of the running.

You say he's not tall and you are tall.fir a woman. Some men (not including Tom Cruise obviously) are not going to want a tall/taller woman emphasising their lack of height.

Who knows.

Generally when men are interested, they act.

I'm sorry but I think you'd be best casting your net wide, and keep trying to meet someone who's more uomyoiyr street than the two you happen to have met so far. It's a numbers game.

*up your street

As an aside, some men absolutely love tall women and it's a bonus. I've noticed Sean Bean, with one example I can think of, always goes for tall, relatively big framed women.

And he's not alone, there's a world full of people with different types (who also can go against type sometimes).

*with one exception I can think of

(Obviously SB is fkg terrible at relationships bit that's another thread)

On your main thread title, that's a horrible way of looking at it .... It's not "not good enough", it's "not suited to".

I can honestly say I've been rejected by men who were less (conventionally) handsome (& way shorter) than my h. I was not their type, I am (well, was) his type. That's the way it goes. Theres also what people want at different times; nothing serious because of ABC, open to serious, in settle down and have a family mode, in sowing oars mode, on the rebound etc etc.

Oats, not oars lol

The thing that's standing out for me is that you asked him out while he was in a relationship ( I know you didn't know, but of course he's not going to want to hang out with you, if he's in a relationship and you've expressed interest ).

You still don't know if he's single or not.

Given that you've been flirting, I don't think even hanging out as friends is a good idea, if he's not single.

VisaGeezer sowing oars, hahaha.
I'm not big-framed, just tall. More Nicole Kidman figure though not quite as tall.

But yes, you've covered all angles, and reading through them all, it somehowstod out that he hasn't ruled out having children - and indeed 40s is not too old and traditionally those who have DC late, have them in their 40s, small minority of men later on. I think I haevn't paid attention to that reason nough - mainly as his job involes a lot of travelling and his career is very important to him, so I thought if he hasn't akready had kids it means he;s unsure at least, or likely thinks he wouldn't be able to spend enough tme with them. And of course he was in an LTR and didn't have kids then, though who knows the reason...

But somehow reading your post, my gut says it may be this, most likely. I know nothing of his current personal situ - he may have just got involved with a new younger woman and will have a career break if need be (he's not a corporate worker).

Difference hence I haven't asked him out again, of course if it came to that / he suggested anything 'friendly' I would be finding out. If so, then I'm sure we would not be hanging out.

More Nicole Kidman figure though not quite as tall.

Sorry, that sounded like I was implying you were big framed but I'd just gone on a slight SB tangent and the fact that he's not into petite/skinny women either (that it's really all about types).

Anyway, you sound very modelly and like a lot of women would envy you.

And of course he was in an LTR and didn't have kids then, though who knows the reason...

Some men delay having kids to a ridiculous degree; I know men who delayed (yet were never ruling having kids out) until their partners either left them, or gave them an ultimatum, or pulled "an accident".

I do believe many are wired like that because they know there is no fertility cliff for them. (There is a reduction in fertility, and there are other issues, but obviously no menopause equivalent).

They will happily waste women's time, not thinking about what it means for the women too much. Sometimes women are forced to move on.

I think they always have in their head that they can try to find a younger woman if they leave it til late/very late They know, if they're presentable, have halfway decent social skills and offer a decent standard of living; that they will have some options with younger women.

Who knows why he didn't have kids in his LTR; maybe he didn't want to have them yet, maybe they experienced fertility issues, maybe he didn't want them enough - with her. Maybe he's planning to accumulate enough money from working abroad to settle somewhere in a different role that doesn't require those working patterns but isn't sufficiently happy with his assets/pension/savings yet.

his ex was a tiny bit older

That would mean, if he was delaying having kids or ambivalent about having them, that she (if she wanted them & presuming she didn't already have any) would have been in a difficult position and would have to have moved on if he wasn't on the sane wave length. She would not have had the luxury of delaying it for years.

but are some men wedded to a type, and won't get involved with others? Or set on 'no older women'?"

While there are exceptions to every rule, I find most men are not up for getting into relationships with older women. Many might be up for a fling with them, but not a serious relationship.

He might not want (if he's even single) to shit where he eats at he and relative's hobby by having a fling with you. He may also be perceptive and think you're not looking for a fling and would get hurt/disappointed/embittered if that's all it was; hence not wanting to shit where he eats (i know it's not the same as a workplace but nonetheless, people have ruined hobbies with romances that didn't work out).

Ateotd we don't even know if he's single, but as a general rule I (and I look on the young side for my age, always thought to be younger than I am), I wouldn't assume a 7 years younger man would be interested in me (except for a fling). It'd the better part of a decade younger.

I know a couple of women with 7/8 years younger partners, but they got together when they were both in 30s (or younger) and the female partner was still within the conventional fertility window. (Both had kids together).
They are the exception to the rule in my acquaintances too.n

It's the better part of a decade younger.

You are good enough. Of course you are. It’s not about who you are, it’s all about him and where he is in his life.