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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The stigma of staying with a cheater after affair

93 replies

Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 17:55

I figured there is a place for a thread like this, for survivors of infidelity that have gone on to save their marriage. MN users are quick to point to the negatives of staying with a cheat, but I think the experience of this in a relationship is not the worst thing that could happen, despite the shocking PTSD, I think it does make us stronger as people.

It's also really disrespectful to say anything bad about the OW on MN...like the person that was hoping to break up your family unit. If you want to say something about them to ease your mind, go ahead, this is a place you can vent.

Now, keeping it all separate, and looking at your partner alone without bitching about the OW, can people offer advice as to how they stayed in relationship with the twisted brat and how they rationalised this? What helped them move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 17:57

Also keen to hear voices about those that left - do they have any regrets? Is life harder or easier without their disgusting cheating other? What impact has it had on the kids thus far?

Does staying in retrospect seem a shit choice? Or do you ever get doubts about it?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 21/12/2022 18:26

I was one who left. Well, kicked him out 10 years ago.

I've not regretted it once. Not even for a moment.

My personal feeling was that I deserved better than that and I was happy to be single for the rest of my life if that is what happened. Being an a relationship just isn't that important to me or my identity.

My kids are happier, healthier and more well adjusted than they would have been had I not kicked him out. And they recognise that too.

I know other people feel differently but I can't really.understand anyone who stays. Self respect trumps all.

PeekAtYou · 21/12/2022 18:31

My ex left me which wasn't what I wanted at the time but I can now see that it was a blessing in disguise.
I was freed from the what/why/who/where questions and that was massive. If it makes any difference ds and I knew that he was having an affair before I managed to get proof but he had been gaslighting me with denial.
We are polite now. He's never messed me about over money and neither of us have messed up the children by slagging the other off.

Jackie17177 · 21/12/2022 18:33

I feel like your OP is a bit confusing with mixed messages. Why would you want to stay with a "twisted brat" regardless of fidelity?

PeaceJoySleep · 21/12/2022 18:37

I guess if a stigma exists it's because it's the more passive path. Like putting a marriage before your self. If there was no stigma at all to that it would be like that was what women were expected to do. So the existence of stigma is for the best.
I left a controlling man. He may have cheated, at this point I couldn't care less. Still caring about that would be torture.

YouJustDoYou · 21/12/2022 18:44

I stayed, because of my little old dog. He was 15 by that point, had always been highly needy with extreme separation anxiety, my dad had died a few years previously when I was 19 and all my money and savings went on fuel and travel fees to see my nan, who had no one else. I had no money (shitty low paid job, but stuck in the area I was in, paying high rent for a rare house that would accept pets in my area),no savings, no one who could've taken my little dog had I tried to separate. Everyone was in no pet renting, I had no other friends or family who could've had him, so I stayed, for the roof over our heads. I took it one hour at a time. It was horrific. But I did it for him, not for me. That little dog had been with me over half my life by that point, I simply couldn't give him up just so I could move out and live in a relatives room. He'd been put in kennels, one time, years ago and it wrecked him emotionally. So I couldn't just give him up, I just couldn't. So I stayed. But I think my fiance's family saw me as just a gold digger years later when they found out what he did to me. I don;t care. Been 20 years now. I am under no illusion he may do it again, but I am financially secure now, my little best friend got 5 years of extra life with me and lived to a very ripe old age, and I don;t regret that sacrifice for him for a heartbeat. Life is what it is, you can't really ever trust anyone, just live life how you can in the boundaries you know. I have no regrets.

PeaceJoySleep · 21/12/2022 18:44

I dont think you could ever become strong enough to not care that somebody you loved was cheating on you though.
I'm all for becoming stronger, but can you do that while you're colluding with your own minimisation ??

I became stronger after I left my x and I do not believe I coukd have done it while I was with him because their would have been far too much cognitive dissonance. It would have been like gaslighting myself.

Leaving isn't easy though, I know.

A good question to ask is if you coukd press a button to fast forward a year to a point where it's done it's over, everybody knows from work to the bank, you have your own households to run and you're funding that by hook or by crook! The worst is behind you and the indecision and second guessing is over.

Do you press fast forward??? Or do you wade through another year.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 21/12/2022 18:44

I understand where you are coming from OP. Infidelity is rarely a single symptom reason for a man or woman cheating on their spouse. It is usually indicative of much more serious issues within the marriage and a complete inability for both parties to communicate. Instead they take what they believe to be the simplest solution to the problem. Changing partners.

If you can both accept the marriage had faults and are both prepared to work on those, then yes it can be a catalyst for change for the better.

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 21/12/2022 18:46

Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 17:57

Also keen to hear voices about those that left - do they have any regrets? Is life harder or easier without their disgusting cheating other? What impact has it had on the kids thus far?

Does staying in retrospect seem a shit choice? Or do you ever get doubts about it?

How long does your article need to be @Savvysausage ?

Original poster
Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 19:01

I really like the way you put this @PeaceJoySleep I guess if a stigma exists it's because it's the more passive path. Like putting a marriage before your self.

Has anyone done this successfully and in time they have found that it has worked out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 19:05

Insightful @Hadtochangeforthisone Infidelity is rarely a single symptom reason for a man or woman cheating on their spouse

I am quite keen to explore this with anyone wanting to write about their experience. I personally think it truly has nothing to do with the partner that has been cheated on. I think it is a symptom of one's own vulnerability such as immaturity, or propensity to seek validation, or having low self esteem at a particular time of their life and feeling shit about their job/ circumstance.

However as the person cheated on we tend to try and seek within the relationship as to where it all went wrong. But sometimes it is more about the opportunity being there and the circumstances aligning to create a shitstorm. Your thoughts on this much appreciated, everyone.

OP posts:
TheCurseOfBoris · 21/12/2022 19:27

This is beginning to sound like you want to write an article about it. 🤔

Crazypaving22 · 21/12/2022 19:28

Come on people and give a nice little quote for the article...

Original poster
Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 19:30

@TheCurseOfBoris Sorting out my own life actually. But also recognise this is a sensitive issue here on MN, everyone's always saying to 'ditch him' but on the other hand I read lots of threads that talk about how shit OLD is as well as how hard it is on your own and I just wonder what to make of it all.

But staying with a cheater seems to be like the worst, weakest option possible. So I don't quite get it. Is it possible to heal or not?

OP posts:
Ihaveoflate · 21/12/2022 19:34

I was about to comment in good faith as someone who is currently experiencing this, but I'm not sure if the OP's motivation so I'll keep shtum.

It's a shame, because I could do with a supportive thread around this very issue.

Crazypaving22 · 21/12/2022 19:35

@Savvysausage if you genuinely need support in whether to stay or go mumsnet is NOT the place to do it. As you can see just from the few posts you've seen here MN believe woman don't have self respect if they stay and those that haven't experienced it still believe it's the fault if the marriage (debunked in infidelity research).

Head to surviving infidelity and check out the forums for real support.

Thisthatandtheotherthing · 21/12/2022 19:37

Better place to be for this is r/asoneafterinfidelity on reddit

Original poster
Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 19:40

Thank you guys so much. @Crazypaving22 and @Thisthatandtheotherthing I will check those out for sure. I saw a very long thread on here 'Making sense of affair' it was really insightful. I therefore thought that it's incredible how there is no support for survivors of cheating on MN. Reading other threads seemed to ramp up my PTSD, but that one reassured me that it's OK and all the other sites you guys mention sound like a good resource of healing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 19:44

@Ihaveoflate I have a lot of experience in dealing with this and have survived infidelity and still sometimes get triggered, but am generally happy with the choice I made. I still feel there is some way to go and would ideally love to rid myself of any thoughts about it forevermore, and also move forward. I don't know if that is possible. Hence I am genuinely asking others about their thoughts. I also genuinely feel that there is a lot of stigma in making the choice I did. It almost makes you weak and accepting of anything, but I really don't believe it's true. Apologies if all of this made my post sound like I am writing an article, but I did not want a personal attack regards my choice but to explore why this is and how people can make it work. I truly hope that you are finding your feet and doing well.

OP posts:
crochetandacuppa · 21/12/2022 19:45

Yes, agree with @Crazypaving22 and @Thisthatandtheotherthing - there are far, far better places to get support around reconciling after infidelity than MN. I believe every situation is different - the affair itself, the circumstances leading up to it and the work done by both parties to heal. It’s easy for people to simplify it, but there’s no one way to deal with infidelity - life isn’t as clear cut as that.

Original poster
Savvysausage · 21/12/2022 19:47

there’s no one way to deal with infidelity

Love this, thank you.

OP posts:
TheCurseOfBoris · 21/12/2022 19:48

If you're genuine OP, then I hope you find answers. My own DM 'survived' infidelity but tbh, I don't think she never did. Many decades on, it still eats away at her even tho my DF died. It's like she never forgave herself. The thought of that should be terrifying for anyone contemplating staying.

crochetandacuppa · 21/12/2022 19:49

OP - have you had therapy? For me, investing in therapy has been a game-changer in recovery.

NoWayAmIAdmittingToThis · 21/12/2022 19:51

I think it really depends on how 'the cheater' behaves and what they do to understand why they have behaved so horrifically. They need to own the hurt they have caused. And the spouse needs to have faith that they will not cheat again. I think there needs to be exceptional circumstances in order for relationship to survive. The relationship is changed forever but does it need to be over? Not necessarily.

girlmom21 · 21/12/2022 19:51

It's also really disrespectful to say anything bad about the OW on MN...like the person that was hoping to break up your family unit. If you want to say something about them to ease your mind, go ahead, this is a place you can vent.

So are people allowed to make comment on the OW here or not?