The stigma of staying with a cheater after affair

[Savvysausage]

I figured there is a place for a thread like this, for survivors of infidelity that have gone on to save their marriage. MN users are quick to point to the negatives of staying with a cheat, but I think the experience of this in a relationship is not the worst thing that could happen, despite the shocking PTSD, I think it does make us stronger as people.

It's also really disrespectful to say anything bad about the OW on MN...like the person that was hoping to break up your family unit. If you want to say something about them to ease your mind, go ahead, this is a place you can vent.

Now, keeping it all separate, and looking at your partner alone without bitching about the OW, can people offer advice as to how they stayed in relationship with the twisted brat and how they rationalised this? What helped them move on.

I also think women often have more emotional reasons for cheating and project that onto men.

A lot of women don't seem to be able to grasp many men's sexuality. They can't grasp sexual opportunism or sexual decompartmentalisation. They don't have a clue what thinking they're dealing with.

While there is a spectrum, we are mostly very different from men; saying that on here causes you to get flamed, because presumably ppl think there can't be equality if you agree the sexes are very different in some ways (not the case) ... Or that the difference could be used as an excuse for behaviours. Imho you can acknowledge we are very different in some ways, without it being an excuse for poor behaviour.

*compartmentalisation

I think they want to put emotional etc reasons for cheating onto the situation, and the man goes along v happily with that if he thinks it'll get him off the hook ...... But the sad reality is that, quite often, he saw or an opportunity for extra sex/sex with another woman and "couldn't" pass up that opportunity. Even if he flowers that up, that's it.

He thought, like most cheaters, he wouldn't get caught ... He thought if he did get caught, wifey would be too invested (esp with kids) to divorce and would get over it eventually. He thought, that if she didn't, he'd move on and get another woman sooner or later. It can be very very hard for women to accept that their relationship, their marriage, their family are of such low value to the man who made them with her, but the reality is that that is often the case. They are v different type of human.

How often do you see men expressing their disgusted amazement that so many women can walk away from their kids and barely (or never) sed them? You see the opposite on a daily basis.

My dear friend has just left the most abusive shit I have ever heard of. They both kept the real situation extremely well hidden. She has a wobble occasionally and talks about being addicted to him and having him back. I could not stay friends with her if she did, because of the behaviour she is then condoning.
Its a tough one though.

Seeing his seriousness and the things he did and changed to prove he meant it was when I think I really made my decision to give it a go.
That's what it comes down to really, isn't it; them showing how much they mean it. And I guess not feeling that staying is your only choice?

A few people have mentioned Esther Perel. One thing I found really helpful was her "Where should we begin?" podcasts where she gives advice to couples whose relationships are in difficulty (affairs, other things) and they are trying to work on it. What struck me was how, with many of the couples, you can tell pretty quickly that even though they have difficulties, they both still really want it to work, and both still love, respect and care for one another. That helped me at the time because I knew me and my ex were not in that place, so it felt like a confirmation that it was OK we were breaking up. I should think it would also help couples who might recognise themselves in those more hopeful-sounding stories, or who are still a bit on the fence.

I know of someone whose husband was living a double life for 7 years and she forgave him after one day. I find it really sad that someone’s self esteem is that low that they can’t accept anything other than poor behaviour. No kids as they are all adults.

That doesn't automatically mean the wife had low self esteem though.

@Thewookiemustgo

I've just read your post on page 3 and I just want to say thank you. I'm only a few weeks into choosing to let my husband stay after infidelity and every word of what you wrote echoed my experience.

Spot on!

I stayed.i have PTSD from it and we will never be the same. I still have anxiety attacks because of it. I will never trust him. When he touches me it makes me feel sick and like I want to scream because all I can of is him with OW. Makes my skin crawl. Absolutely hate it. It hasn't made me stronger. I feel beyond pathetic and degraded that I am still with him.
I stayed because I couldn't afford to leave the bastard. To leave him, I need some savings and a job, working on savings. Secret account. Job isn't practical at the moment because we had another baby. But one day, the end of being with him will be in sight. But then I can see myself waiting until mu children are all teens, to make it easier on them.
The OW is a bastad too. She was married with children too. Don't care how unpopular it is, I would love to do something to hurt her. Years later, I am still deeply hurt by both their actions.

Wow, some insightful posts on here and some very understandably raw.

I do agree that PTSD can borderline on hatred at times, the contempt is just too great. It's also reciprocal, as the partner that cheated feels negative about you having one over them all the time. In fact, they are the ones that often shout back when you start crying again, as if time enough has passed and you need to get on with it and stop ruining their holiday.

I have a great line for cheating husbands: 'Don't expect me to love you unconditionally, like your mum does.' Because that is the one fundamental they all got so badly wrong. We are not their mums.

I go back to this line wrote: 'I do agree that PTSD can borderline on hatred at times'. I am not certain that it would be any worse if I ended my marriage. So I am staying for now. The money is pretty great too, kids under one roof and the Ons dreams in tatters - that's a nice bonus that snaps me out of this daze of doom and gloom every now and then. I know it has nothing to do with me, but seeing her wishes and dirty little dreams come to nothing is delicious. Spite is a horrid friend that sits on PTSDs shoulder.

Whichever way you turn it, it sucks.

You sure loved that little dog, and I'm sure he knew it and loved you just as much 💐

My heart goes out to anyone who’s been cheated on, the pain and feeling of betrayal is immense.

I forgave the first time as I was scared and pregnant. The second time he cheated was on my due date with DD3. Again I stupidly left it to him to decide what he wanted to do. He chose the OW.

Have grown a pair since. And I now realise he did me a huge favour by leaving. I’ve found complete happiness with another man. When we got together ExH said to a mutual friend “who’d want her, she’s got three children.” Completely missing the irony 😂

Esther Perel is marmite in affair recovery. Some betrayed find her helpful others consider her an affair apologist, playing to the cheats 'unmet' need narrative.

My husband had an affair at a time when my attention was on young children, but to hell with the idea that that had anything to do with his cheating, if he can't cope with not being the centre of the universe in my life, can't validate himself, that's on him, life will throw us curve balls, I won't fear every time things don't feel like he's getting enough attention. My husband has never blamed me, he places all blame on his own selfishness and entitlement, his work is on learning to be a better human being, one who feels gratitude and validates himself. The work I have done is on healing from trauma.

Please don't misunderstand me if you get comfort from Esther Peral, my heart goes out to betrayed and she brings comfort to some. I just believe she comes with a health warning. Again I'd point anyone reading this and frozen to check out Surviving Infidelity website and Affair Recovery videos.

@Savvysausage your husband sounds like an arse. Sorry but there is 'staying'; rug sweeping with an unremorseful idiot and there is reconciliation. You're staying NOT reconciling. Anger, screaming at the wind, thumping steering wheels, hatred are all normal, but being shouted at by the man who has caused you trauma is not acceptable. Two years is nothing in affair recovery, you will not have got over it, tbh he sounds like he has little empathy or compassion for you. That is not healthy and you'll be struggling to build safety and trust.

Your focus is on the wrong person. I have no time for APs but your husband let this woman into your life, he let her in, opened the door to your inner world and let her walk through. He forced you to become a bit part in your life. He stole your personal agency. I know it's hard to really face truth but I worry that you're in so much pain staying with this unremorseful cheat will destroy you.

You deserve better than to be shouted at. You deserve better than to fear holidays and being around him.

I think there's a difference between staying and reconciliation. Nothing wrong with staying for practical reasons alone, bit if you have any real hope for reconciliation, I think it's helpful for one of you to go, for a while at least.
The unfortunate thing about these situations is that just because you've decided to stay in the relationship, it doesn't mean he's committed to it, and considers himself fortunate.There's every chance he's as ambivalent about your relationship as he was when he chose to risk it for an affair.
In many cases men forced to choose pick the status quo for similar reasins to why their wives allow them to; because its familiar, cheaper, more comfortable, easier than starting over; and their feelings for (that particular) AP weren't enough to put themselves out for. They say the right things because they know they've done wrong and because it's easier than trying to argue when they can't win.
The only way you can really reconcile imo is to more or less start over, and both decide afresh if you want to be with each other, or are just each others least worst option. The only way you can be sure he's choosing the relationship rather than the trappings would be to remove the trappings. Six months trial separation as single people, and if you still want each other at the end of it, you've a chance.

I took him back, worked on it, thought things were improving and then he did it again! A friend asked me why I didn't believe I was worth more. I kicked him out. My self esteem was at an incredible low and I didn't expect to meet anyone ever again. Fast forward 4 years and I wish I hadn't stayed after the first time. I'm now ridiculously happily married to my second husband. I was worth more.

I honestly believe once that trust is gone it's done.

You might not have met your wonderful second husband had you not stayed with the first the first time round.