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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh another fit of rage

76 replies

fdkc · 19/12/2022 11:52

So I've been with my dh 21 years, we have 3 dc aged from 18 to 4. Over the years he has been physically aggressive, never a full force punch in the face or anything but would throw things at me and one time picked up my handbag and hit me across the head with it a few times. This happens maybe once every 2 years when he goes into a blind fit of rage over something I have said that he doesn't agree with. Yesterday he was talking about Hollywood and all the pedophiles who live there and all the conspiracy theories and cover ups around it. Obviously I think this is terrible but I'm bored of hearing it, I'm sick of hearing about pedophiles and sexual predators. I was having a nice Sunday watching an Xmas movie with my 4 year old and he comes in starting this conversation. I told him I'm watching a movie and don't really want to hear about it. He went into a rage. He was sexually abused as a child, again this is something I am sick of hearing about and I'm sick of him using it as an excuse for his bad behaviour. I know that sounds terrible but he has never done a thing to help himself get over the trauma, never tried medication or therapy. I'm meant to be his therapist and I'm just sick of it, I can't take it anymore.

Anyway this fit of rage ended with him absolutely wearing the remote control he was holding off the side of my face, it's still sore and has a little lump there now. He pointed and screamed in my face that I'm a pedophile lover and a fat, ugly cunt. He then left the house, came back an hour later and started cooking dinner which he never does and probably felt a bit ashamed and knew he had gone to far. Sometimes I wish he would have beat me all the time at the start so maybe I would have had the motivation to leave but the fact that it only occurs about once every 2 years just lulls me back into a false sense of security and after a while I think it's been so long that maybe it won't ever happen again but it does.

I don't know what to do or where to turn too. Neither of us have any family that if we left the family home we could move in with. It just feels like I'm stuck and so much effort to leave the house. I'm already thinking it will all be OK cause it won't happen again now for another couple of years but yet I know it's so wrong what he's been doing to me for 21 years.

OP posts:
Threadkillacilla · 19/12/2022 11:56

You need to contact Woman's Aid, today.
Sorry he does this to you Flowers

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2022 11:57

Although not sexual, your DC are also being abused. If you won't leave him for yourself, please leave for their sake. 💐

ilovelamp82 · 19/12/2022 11:57

You don't deserve this. This is not the example of a relationship you want your children to emulate. Contact Women's aid. Consider calling the police to have him removed from the house. Take a picture of your injury. This isn't normal. He's not even sorry. (Not that it matters, because he'll pretend to be if you do stand up for yourself). This is no life to live. Someone who loves you doesn't call you those names. I hope you find peace.

Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 11:59

It might not be his fault but even so you have to save yourself and get out, he's escalating I would arrange everything quietly in the background and just leave him

pointythings · 19/12/2022 11:59

Only you can save yourself from this. You do it by reporting him to the police, getting a non mol and an occupation order and starting divorce proceedings. Protect your children from this man. Protect yourself.

Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 12:06

This man is dangerous because he is very damaged, you have to protect yourself from him, you cannot save him he's too far gone.
When he loses you (I'm not going to say if because I sincerely hope you have the strength to do what you need to) when he loses his support that might give him the jolt he needs to take some action to help himself or it might not, he might implode completely.
You have two choices
1, stay and everyone gets destroyed
2, leave, save yourself and the children and do what you can to repair some of the damage that he has done to all of you.
I hope you can see that option 2 is the least worst option.

Bumpsadaisie · 19/12/2022 12:11

It's terrible, you can't live like this and you must protect your children from any more of it.

I work in mental health and many, many people experience awful abuse and trauma, but they do not beat up their partner.

Your DH may feel terrible now - and I am sure he is not 100% monster - how could he be? I am sure there are good things about him.

But that is not relevant, what matters is that you, and more importantly, your kids, are living with a violent man who refused to control his rages and will not seek help. He only needs to be violent 1% of the time to ruin your security and frighten your children.

I would be very surprised if he hits his boss around the head with his briefcase every time he gets annoyed with him. This is NOT something he is unable to control.

Dodecaheidyin · 19/12/2022 12:19

Your children think this is how relationships should be. Think about that.

Please contact Women's Aid. They will not force you to leave if you're not ready, they are there to support you and to answer any questions you may have.

I understand what you mean about the calm times, they are what he uses to keep you there. Can I suggest you read Jane Monckton Smith's book?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 19/12/2022 12:21

Call the police, he has assaulted you in front of your daughter.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 19/12/2022 12:23

@fdkc This is awful. You know that.

Was this infront of your youngest?
If so he is damaging your impressionable child. It's not only abuse to you but your child and any of your other DC's who witnessed or heard it.

Please call Womens Aid. Document this assault inc photos and any other times he has been vile.

giffyp · 19/12/2022 12:24

What a horrible thing to do, I feel so sorry for you, is this really what you want for you and your family, there is no excuse to treat you this way, there is plenty of help out there women’s aid ect, look after yourself you don’t deserve to be treated that way ❤️xx

Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 12:26

As said he doesn't hit his boss round the head with a handbag he doesn't threaten the bloke in the pub with a remote control, because he would lose his job and find the remote control shoved down his own throat along with a few of his teeth

So he vents his rage on those who can't risk upsetting him because they have to live with him and will not push back because he is bigger and stronger

What would he do if someone hit him round the head with a handbag or someone pushed a remote control in his face?

Original poster
fdkc · 19/12/2022 12:31

Thank you all so much for your support. Yes this was in front of my four year old and she was screaming crying. I'm bawling again now even thinking about it.

How can I leave? I have nowhere to go and he definitely will not leave the home. Can I report to the police without him finding out? I want it documented but afraid of the back lash if he finds out I reported him to the police. He would be stunned at me doing that cause I have never done it before. I am 40 now though and I'm just over this life, I don't want to be married to him anymore, he's taken 21 years of my life already.

If I could just get a safety order in place, I know that means he doesn't have to leave the house but he will not be allowed physically or emotionally abuse me again. I would feel so much better even having that in place. I am going to ring women's aid when I get home from work. Will they document the call so I can have it as evidence for when I apply for the safety order?

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 19/12/2022 12:41

Wow please call the police. They will make him leave and apply for a non mol order so that he can't come back. Just imagine what this is doing to your poor baby she shouldn't have to experience this. It will be normalised to her as this is how a dad and husband behaves.

Doodles29 · 19/12/2022 12:43

Do you have family to go to? You must leave now.

JoyBeorge · 19/12/2022 12:44

You need to get the police to remove him from the house. Let him find somewhere else to go. I'm extremely concerned that you are prepared to expose a 4 year old to this because leaving seems like too much effort when it only happens every 2 years. You realise the 4 year old is going to grow up damaged by this? If you can't do it for yourself please do it for the children.

Wanderingoff · 19/12/2022 12:44

Protect your children and leave.

call womens aid today and start the process as soon as possible

yourr as bad as him if you stay and don’t protect your children from that

Needarest22 · 19/12/2022 12:45

Your poor 4 year old. How cruel.
Get him out of your house.
Why is he talking about pedophiles in front of your son anyway.
No way to live us it.

JoyBeorge · 19/12/2022 12:46

femfemlicious · 19/12/2022 12:41

Wow please call the police. They will make him leave and apply for a non mol order so that he can't come back. Just imagine what this is doing to your poor baby she shouldn't have to experience this. It will be normalised to her as this is how a dad and husband behaves.

She's also more likely to allow men to abuse her when she grows up because she's being taught this is something we just put up with.

Jellycats4life · 19/12/2022 12:47

Next time he might do more than beat you. He could kill you. You know that, right?

FreedomSt · 19/12/2022 12:47

You need to find the strength to leave and protect your children from this. The abused has become the Abuser. You cannot allow your children to think this is normal behaviour. What he did was assault you which is a criminal offence.

Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 12:47

Try not to blame yourself this is very messed up and he has done a number on you all, I don't have the knowledge or experience to advise on women's aid or the police but there are those on here who know about these things.
Maybe start writing things down, do a timeline of all incidents etc?

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 19/12/2022 12:50

It seems impossible and scary at the moment but WA will support you.

If you are afraid of the backlash then there's even more reason to do it. He will be stunned because you've brushed it off previously. That's why he's done it again.

I've not heard of a safety order but unfortunately the unpleasant truth is he shouldn't be there at all and while it might appear to be a less confrontational option, I don't know if it's the right option.

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2022 12:52

Please call Women's Aid and discuss with them whether you should call the police now or later.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your little one. You have the opportunity to change this now. Don't wait until it's too late.

Fireflygal · 19/12/2022 12:53

Is your little girl at school or nursery? She may tell someone which will involve SS. It is better you take action now as you have to protect her from seeing you abused.

She must have been terrified and this is teaching her how women have relationships. I understand your fear BUT of you report you are on the way to resolving the situation.