Dh another fit of rage

[fdkc]

So I've been with my dh 21 years, we have 3 dc aged from 18 to 4. Over the years he has been physically aggressive, never a full force punch in the face or anything but would throw things at me and one time picked up my handbag and hit me across the head with it a few times. This happens maybe once every 2 years when he goes into a blind fit of rage over something I have said that he doesn't agree with. Yesterday he was talking about Hollywood and all the pedophiles who live there and all the conspiracy theories and cover ups around it. Obviously I think this is terrible but I'm bored of hearing it, I'm sick of hearing about pedophiles and sexual predators. I was having a nice Sunday watching an Xmas movie with my 4 year old and he comes in starting this conversation. I told him I'm watching a movie and don't really want to hear about it. He went into a rage. He was sexually abused as a child, again this is something I am sick of hearing about and I'm sick of him using it as an excuse for his bad behaviour. I know that sounds terrible but he has never done a thing to help himself get over the trauma, never tried medication or therapy. I'm meant to be his therapist and I'm just sick of it, I can't take it anymore.

Anyway this fit of rage ended with him absolutely wearing the remote control he was holding off the side of my face, it's still sore and has a little lump there now. He pointed and screamed in my face that I'm a pedophile lover and a fat, ugly cunt. He then left the house, came back an hour later and started cooking dinner which he never does and probably felt a bit ashamed and knew he had gone to far. Sometimes I wish he would have beat me all the time at the start so maybe I would have had the motivation to leave but the fact that it only occurs about once every 2 years just lulls me back into a false sense of security and after a while I think it's been so long that maybe it won't ever happen again but it does.

I don't know what to do or where to turn too. Neither of us have any family that if we left the family home we could move in with. It just feels like I'm stuck and so much effort to leave the house. I'm already thinking it will all be OK cause it won't happen again now for another couple of years but yet I know it's so wrong what he's been doing to me for 21 years.

Your poor poor children. You are setting the standards for their future relationships.

I understand that you are the victim but you need to protect your children and get away from this horrendous abuser.

Your poor daughter, you both deserve better. You are the only one who can remove her from this situation, please make the right decision by her even if it is a scary one.

You need WA and Police - this will hopefully then be gateway to legal aid for you. You need to do this today.

Your situation sounds awful.

You say he hasn’t punched you in the face, but he has hit you in the face using a weapon.

What will it take to make you leave?

Here is a list of possible effects of children witnessing domestic violence, compiled by the Royal college of psychiatrists.

They may become anxious or depressed.
They may have difficulty sleeping.
They have nightmares or flashbacks.
They can be easily startled.
They may complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches and may start to wet their bed.
They may have temper tantrums and problems with school.
They may behave as though they are much younger than they are.
They may become aggressive or they may internalise their distress and withdraw from other people.
They may have a lowered sense of self-worth.
Older children may begin to play truant, start to use alcohol or drugs, begin to self-harm by taking overdoses or cutting themselves or have an eating disorder.

Is this the life you want for your 4 YO?

Please contact Women’s Aid or a similar organisation. I hope they can get you out of the immediate situation and support you in reporting his actions to the police to help ensure your future safety.

Please call the police and report this, gather any evidence you may have. Also get your passport and bank details and photo them, email the photos to yourself and a good friend if you have one.
the police should refer you to your local domestic violence charity and victim support, or you can self refer.
if it comes to it, you can be housed in a refuge in an area either near or far away.
the refuges are generally good at then supporting residents to re-settle if that’s wanted, and to get housing and benefits sorted.
I worked for years as a children’s therapist in two refuges, saw lots of families rejoined and settled.
he is choosing to be abusive. It’s really sad that he was abused, but he is an adult and has responsibility for his actions and behaviour.
take care x

Agree with PPs that this needs to be reported to the police.

Please please call womens aid and get help to leave.

You owe it to yourself. You deserve to be free of him. You are worth more than this. But if you feel right now that you can't do it for yourself then do it for your daughter so she never has to witness him assaulting you again and so that she doesn't grow up thinking this is what happens in relationships. 💐

A former partner of mine was sexually abused as a child and your story sounds very familiar. He refused to seek help but would fly into rages, occasionally directed at me if he perceived that I wasn't supporting him enough or didn't react to another of his abuse stories in the 'right' way. Once, he tried to throw me down the stairs to get me to leave the house. Another time, he threw a bottle at me which shattered over my head and showered me with broken glass. He would smash furniture, my stuff, his stuff then cry and beg forgiveness blaming it all on the abuse.

Eventually, I realised I was never going to be able to help him until he helped himself and I was no longer prepared to tolerate his abuse of me because I felt sorry for him.

I felt terribly guilty for a while but I'd utterly had enough and this was only after about three years. I cannot imagine how sick of it you are. It will never get better but I hope you find a way to leave.

You are no doubt one of the victims here, what you have gone through is horrendous and no one deserves a life like this. However, by letting this man be in your lives, you are complicit with causing your poor, defenceless children untold damage in their later lives. No four year old should have to witness this. Trust me when I say they will remember this for the rest of their lives and resent you if you fail to act on it now. One awful memory can be countered with a future life of happiness, security and love.

Oh ffs op. You know you need to leave this cunt.

Abused or not, he's an abuser now himself. You can't help him.

There are many forms of abuse.

He was a victim of appalling abuse, but his actions are creating 4 more victims of another form of abuse, who have to navigate their lives processing the trauma that's been habitually inflicted on them. Break the cycle for you and your kids.

Please talk to Women's Aid and the Police.

Please get help now. He is an abusive piece of shit who has done untold damage to you and your children, you have to get away from him safely. Where he will go should be at the absolute bottom of your list of priorities right now. He beats you and abuses you in front of your children. He is the lowest of the low.

I'm afraid I agree with others - you need to call the police. It doesn't matter how much abuse he suffered as a child, it gives him no right at all to abuse you and your dc.

Just seen your other thread about your son, it is highly likely that the impact of living with an abusive father is manifesting in the behavioural issues he is experiencing. Please protect your children, they don’t deserve this and neither do you.

The police have specially trained domestic abuse advisors
You can turn up at a police station and ask to speak to someone from the domestic abuse or adult safeguarding team

I'd be inclined to do that, hope they arrest him and change the locks whilst he's gone.
When he is released from custody, it will be with bail conditions - ie not to come to the family home or contact you

Just do what you have to do and get out, the rest will fall into place. It's better to have abit of temporary upheaval than to carry on like this, there is help out there, once you and your children are resettled you won't look back.

I agree @SuperFly123

OP, when you say "like talking to a brick wall", do you mean your DS or H? If it's the latter then that's another reason to change things.

I really feel for you. That's two of your DC's potentially affected by him and the others are wrapped up in the situation which will impact them. This is ontop of what he has done to you.

This was exactly the reason why I decided not to have kids with my Ex-h. I didn't want a son to assume it was OK to hit or verbally abuse anyone and I didn't want a daughter to assume it was 'normal' for her to be hit or verbally abused. When I realised that, I made the decision to leave and finally have my DS with a man who protects both of us in all sorts of ways.

OP - please contact Women's Aid for advice and support. You say he hasn't punched you. But he shouldn't be hitting you or screaming in your face! Everyone has arguments - sometimes some real, stand up humdingers of ones. But they don't end with things being thrown or someone being hit. They may end with leaving the room in frustration, tears, huffs or semi sulks but not violence (verbal or physical).

If he wouldn't hit a person in the street, or the cashier in Tesco, or people at work, then he can control his emotions despite his childhood. As can most people who have been through the same. If he were 'out of control' with the emotional damage inflicted on him, then he'd be in trouble a lot. You're an easy target.

Please, at least make a call and find out what you can do, what help you can get, how the system works and how to plan the move out of his life. Two years time it may turn to something else. Don't be around to find out. He doesn't deserve you and you and the children don't deserve to be around him.

Also it's very telling that he hit you when you were passively sitting there watching a film, you weren't any sort of physical threat to him. I couldn't sleep at night, personally.

he will not be allowed physically or emotionally abuse me again

He's not "allowed" to now either!!!

He's not going to change so you need too. Either put up with it and risk SS removing your child as you failed to protect them AND completing screw your child up mentally.... or make plans to leave.

You are with a damaged man who was never mended.

He is living with the damage his abuser inflicted.

So are you.

And worst of all - so are your children.

By staying you're continuing to enable this abuse to play out over the generations.

And you and your children are being broken.

If you can't bring yourself to imagine leaving for your own sake - can you try doing it for them?

So they don't become even more damaged than they already are, and possibly go on to inflict this infection on the next generation?

@fdkc I commented on your other thread about your DS's behaviour. Sorry, it might have been a bit harsh but having just read this thread and picturing your poor little one sitting watching you being hit with the TV remote just makes me feel sick. You're a victim of abuse, so are your children. Stop finding reasons for your husband's behaviour and get your children away from him. This cycle will continue if you don't.

Allowing it to happen to yourself is one thing but allowing for that to be your children's lives is quite another.

It doesn’t matter if it’s every few years as people have said this needs reporting to the police with a non molestation order in place so he cannot come back.

if at any point your child mentions this to a teacher or tells and friend and they report it social services will be wanting (rightly) to know why you did nothing to protect your child from domestic abuse and will not look favourably on that.

protect your child and live in peace (spoken as a survivor of domestic violence)

I used to be an IDVA who used to work with police and other agencies on DA cases.
If you wanted to you could have this bloke out of the house with protective orders on very quickly.
If you reported to police, they would remove him and bail conditions would be put on for a short amount of time which would prevent him from coming anywhere near you.
You would then receive support from IDVA or Womens aid to get a non mol or occupation order for the home in place before the bail conditions run out, and the police are investigating.
If you want him gone and to stay in the family home until you get things sorted, it is there for you.
I’ll be honest, I would take control of this situation before it takes control of you.
A comment from the 4 yr old to school etc will have the agencies at your door and at that point the above may still be put in place but it’s a different experience, and more stressful.
Be brave, you need action and less thinking, ring Womens aid or police. Take photos of your face.