Dh another fit of rage

[fdkc]

So I've been with my dh 21 years, we have 3 dc aged from 18 to 4. Over the years he has been physically aggressive, never a full force punch in the face or anything but would throw things at me and one time picked up my handbag and hit me across the head with it a few times. This happens maybe once every 2 years when he goes into a blind fit of rage over something I have said that he doesn't agree with. Yesterday he was talking about Hollywood and all the pedophiles who live there and all the conspiracy theories and cover ups around it. Obviously I think this is terrible but I'm bored of hearing it, I'm sick of hearing about pedophiles and sexual predators. I was having a nice Sunday watching an Xmas movie with my 4 year old and he comes in starting this conversation. I told him I'm watching a movie and don't really want to hear about it. He went into a rage. He was sexually abused as a child, again this is something I am sick of hearing about and I'm sick of him using it as an excuse for his bad behaviour. I know that sounds terrible but he has never done a thing to help himself get over the trauma, never tried medication or therapy. I'm meant to be his therapist and I'm just sick of it, I can't take it anymore.

Anyway this fit of rage ended with him absolutely wearing the remote control he was holding off the side of my face, it's still sore and has a little lump there now. He pointed and screamed in my face that I'm a pedophile lover and a fat, ugly cunt. He then left the house, came back an hour later and started cooking dinner which he never does and probably felt a bit ashamed and knew he had gone to far. Sometimes I wish he would have beat me all the time at the start so maybe I would have had the motivation to leave but the fact that it only occurs about once every 2 years just lulls me back into a false sense of security and after a while I think it's been so long that maybe it won't ever happen again but it does.

I don't know what to do or where to turn too. Neither of us have any family that if we left the family home we could move in with. It just feels like I'm stuck and so much effort to leave the house. I'm already thinking it will all be OK cause it won't happen again now for another couple of years but yet I know it's so wrong what he's been doing to me for 21 years.

Abuse of this severity is like a stone thrown in water it ripples out to anything in the radius.

Someone has to take a stand to stop the ripples and that is you as your husband is unable.

The position you take can be empathetic to the reasons for his rage and encourage him to get support but must separate to protect yourself and children.

please find the help. Wishing you strength

This OP. Just this.

Be strong, we're all here for you

Great advice.

You can be sure your 4 year old is traumatised and will likely say something to someone and it would hopefully be reported.

Get this abusive pig out.

Haven't your children suffered enough?

Report his vicious assault of you.

I am so sorry.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I rang women's aid and she was very supportive. They are going to assist me in getting a safety order (I an in the ROI), apparently its next to impossible to get a barring order here unless you are beat to a pulp. The safety order allows him to stay here but he cannot say or do anything abusive to me. If he breaks it then I have grounds for a barring order. I do feel for him because I know he is damaged but his brother was also abused and doesn't treat his wife like this, his trauma manifests in different ways but domestic abuse is not one of them.

I have just turned 40 and want my life back, I want the next 20 years to be free of abuse and just simple and peaceful. It's also going to be tough to tell my family, especially my dad, they are going to be floored, they love him.

I'm panicking now that my kids are damaged and I don't know how to fix that. Any advice from people that have been through the same? Did your children get therapy??

i know it’s a start, but wants the point of living on egg shells thinking when/if the next kick off will be ?

Well done for calling Women's aid.

Focus on getting away from him.

That is the single best thing you can do for your children today.

Tell your family.

Do NOT play it down.

Tell them FULL truth.

Him assaulting you in front of your 4 year old.
Her screaming and crying.

Stop protecting him and protect your children instead.

You do this when you tell your family the full TRUTH.

We are here for you.

I know it has been said before, but he is already not allowed to say or do anything abusive. You don't need a safety order to make that official.

Did you grow up seeing abuse in your own family?

I wonder if you are trauma bonded? Feeling for him because he is damaged misses a huge elephant in the room with the damage his own damage has already passed to the children. They will either grow up allowing themselves to be treated like this by other men or god forbid learn that abuse gets them what they want in life. I know it's scary but he already shouldn't be saying or doing what he does. The only way you can protect your children is to stop exposing them to it altogether. Getting them all in therapy until the next rage is defeating the object. I can't imagine the terror a 4 year old goes through experiencing adult rage like you describe. I'm 50 and what you described scares me.

Your poor baby must have been absolutely terrified.

Well done getting in touch with WA, they will help you, keep in contact with them. Do tell your family, and - gird your loins - report to the police. Scary steps, yes, but we're here holding your hands

Get your daughter away from this very dangerous man.

You need to stop keeping his dirty secrets. Tell your family everything. Tell them he is not the man they think he is. It's all a charade.

Oh God, I am so sorry you are been treated like this. I think you know yourself that you need to make the change because he never will. If he has done it before and you are still with him then he has no consequences to face, so it will happen again, and who knows how far he will go the next time. Please report him to the police. Call the police tomorrow and press charges. You have to react to this, you really do. You and your children deserve better. By changing your response, you are making him face up to his actions, he needs to be accountable for this and maybe it will make him seek help for himself

This.

Call the Police, then ask Women's Aid for help. He is dangerous and your children are being damaged every day that this is allowed to continue.

Get him out now, before he tries to kill you. Because he will.

I grew up in a household like that. Your children will need calm, quiet consistent love.

My mother didn't do anything about it and I finally left at 18. I have never and will never trust a man. The best I can do now is raise my ds to be calm, confident and kind.

Well my advice would be firstly to stop ant further damage to your kids. This can't be done until you leave your DP. You need to move away from him or him move away from you. This.order quite likely will not work and will lull you into thinking everything is ok.
unfortunately OP you are in the cycle of abuse. The time between each stage seems to be getting shorter which is common. These relationships escalate.

I know because I was in one. I ended up in a woman's refuge for 6 months. I have my own place now and I'm so glad I don't have to live with DS father anymore.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your children. They are 100% being damaged by your relationship and his abuse to you.

Your DC will be likely to drift into similar relationships but if you stop now and go elsewhere you will be giving hope. Your 4 year old is also being abused, terrified and bullied. He could kill you next time. It will keep getting worse.

His past abuse is no excuse. He is now an abuser too. Get out.

You have some tough things to do. Practically speaking, you must get medical help so your injuries are recorded. He will just try and protect himself and will likely deny he hit you, or state you are exaggerating. Your medical records are your evidence so contact your GP

I would personally report him to the police because his behaviour is not right and you need to protect yourself.

You also seem to be making excuses for him in your OP. The truth is, you were watching a film with a 4 year old and he came in ranting about rape and sexual abuse in front of your young child. When you asked him to stop, he hit you. It doesn’t matter if you’re sick of the conversation, it doesn’t matter if he was a victim himself. He is behaving irrationally and is unstable. He is not seeking any help for his mental health which is contributing to him being a dangerous man. Being abused is no justification for abusing others.

also forgot to add, it was an inappropriate conversation that he was insisting on holding in front of a child.

This. ☝️

He’s not remotely in control of his rage OP. He could snap completely next time and you could be dead. Terrible. But then what happens to your lovely children?

This man holds you in contempt. (He shouldn’t, obviously - but he does).

If you stay he will continue to abuse you, and each time his contempt will grow. This is not going to end well.

I’m not in the UK, and don’t know what’s available to youn terms of help. Other posters will know. Get the help you can and get him out of that house, then change all the locks, install window locks etc. And don’t believe him when he apologies and tells you he loves you and that he will never do it again. Because he will. I’ve been there.

I apologise because I don’t have children so my perspective is not as reasoned as pp with more experience.

I have very young adult experience with abuse, so a different case. Seeking help for it is an extremely process, so on that part only I can understand a little.

However, I would never dream of being aggressive towards anyone else. It is a separate mental health issue if he has processed in this way, that is dangerous to your family.

My experience is limited, I am 32, so many years ago. It is one of the reasons I delayed having children, I wished to be able to be brave enough to go through therapy first. I’m actually unsure now if I will go through the well know ones, and have decided it now doesn’t matter as much, as I have seeked help for coping mechanisms for several years (I have a psychiatrist, who agrees), I’m confident I have never manifested any harmful behavior towards anyone else since, and my coping mechanisms for situations that may evoke stressful reactions are becoming decently engrained (I still wish to wait a bit).

My psychiatrist thinks I’m ready, but encouraged me to pursue with therapy (probably lifelong) to ensure I don’t transmit my anxieties towards my children, re specific situations, becoming overprotective,…

To each their own approach, and yes it is unfortunately not his fault for what happening, but I’m sorry to say, in my eyes not seeking help for coping mechanisms (which don’t require you to discuss what triggers you, and how to handle that), he does have a responsibility in that.

Regardless of this, your situation is dangerous, and leaves you little choice but to protect yourself and your children. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, you have tried and tried again.

If I may add, I would in no way allow unsupervised contact with him, if your children do remain in contact, there is no way to predict how he would react to a separation.

Finally, please do take a photo, it will make things if only a little simpler.

This is shocking. Your poor, poor child. This will sound harsh, you are failing to protect your innocent young child. It’s not about you, it’s about her. How can you allow her to witness this man’s behaviour- her daddy shouts and screams obscenities - and everyone carries on like normal.

I suspect you have normalised this behaviour over the years, but it’s not normal and you do not have to put up with it. Perhaps he would be surprised if you did something about it now, but that is no reason to delay getting support from woman’s aid and getting out. Get help from others, this man is dangerous and unpredictable. Don’t anger him, plan when to go and how to go with people who have experience in domestic abuse.

When you have a child, nothing, nothing is more important than keeping them safe from physical or emotional harm. You ask how you will cope if you leave, instead ask yourself how you will live with yourself if you don’t.

Leave him and never look back.Every time you feel weak and think next time it will be different, think about what you will say to your little girl about why you didn’t protect her from daddy.

Please keep posting

He abuses your child every time he talks about rape and sexual abuse- they are hearing about things they are too young to understand, but can see they upset daddy. Every time he talks about them being everywhere is is terrorising your child and bringing fear into their world.

You have been conditioned to accept his abuse of you, which conditions you to ignore his abuse of your child.

It's time to either leave or ask him to leave, you don't have to put upwith this.

Ah OP im so sorry.
Ive just got rid of an abusive cunt who’d been raised by two druggies and somehow made that an excuse to make my life absolute hell for 5 years. Incidentally his favourite insults were fat,ugly,cunt as well

I can’t stress this enough, the trauma they go through does absolutely not give them the right to inflict hell on their partners and children. As a PP said, he doesn’t go out slapping people in the street, or at work. He’s doing it because he sees you as an easy target

Phone Womens Aid in the morning. They’ll help, they helped with me and got me and my DD out of hell. She’s already happier, she’s 3 and is so much more confident and playful now she’s not in an environment with a complete fucking monster having us walk on eggshells 24/7

I mean this with so much love and care, do you want to be having this discussion with the partners of your DC’s, if they start on them due to abuse witnessed at home.

You get one life on this earth, get out there and enjoy it. No one deserves to be called those vile names and have someone smash the house up. You owe this to yourself and your children. I’m always here if you need to talk OP. Sending you loads of hugs. It will get better, I promise, you just need to make that big step. Your new life is just around the corner. ❤️

You need to call the police or go to the station and report this.

The reason to do this is to make sure you can get a non molestation order and an occupation order.

The non molestation order will order him to keep away from you.

The occupation order will state who can live in the home.

You can't control this.
Let go of the idea that this is 'only' every two years or 'only' a manageable level of violence.

Women's Aid can help you get this man out of your life, but you yourself HAVE to talk to the police if you are to be protected.

You have to involve outside agencies, open up your family to the involvement of other people, and you will have to trust that the system will work for you and your children.

I know from personal experience that it's hard to imagine losing the illusion of being in control that has buoyed you up until now. But you have to if you want to save your children. This is all they know of life. This is their only experience of childhood.