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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need to get out

53 replies

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 10:02

is there anybody out there in kent? So so fed up with dh. My family live in kent and i think i would be happier there. Have no money of my own but could try and save up to get deposit etc. Just got told to f off again. So he is back to being horrible again. Its been a couple of weeks so it was due. If i try to argue just get threatned with violence. Just need help. Sister no help at all. At the end of my tether.

OP posts:

Hecate · 02/02/2008 10:07

find your local help here

charliecat · 02/02/2008 10:09

What sort of help do you need mehdi? Why is your sister no help?

mummyofaprincess · 02/02/2008 10:39

Hi mehdismummy im no where near kent as im from the west midlands, but i just wanted to show you my support, i hope your o.k and can get someone to help you out xx

Im so sorry you are going through this and im sorry i`m of no help xx

soverytired · 02/02/2008 10:41

If he's violent call the police, where are you???

I've reached the end of the road with my marriage.
The police arrested him and he's on bail not to approach the house, and before bail runs out I'm getting the divorce going.

Why is your sister no help does she know he is violent and abusive??

What are you planning to do, get divorced or temporarily separate?? Do you know what state your joint finances are in?? I'm asking as these are all questions a solicitor will need to know before he/she can help you.

So sorry you're going thro this too.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 10:49

when dh was abusive last time. He tried dragging me out of the bathroom to hit me. He still slapped me but this was all in front of ds. Got some stuff together and went to my sister(her dh is best friends with my dh. Have been since they were kids) she was no help going on about there was no room for us. The flat was not mehdi proof and even saying she would go and stay at my house because she needed to rest as her legs were swollen. Had to go back to my flat(i pay for one room, he pays for his) it was ok up until now but he is back to being rude again. I have really tried brought him new trousers and jumper. Lacoste aftershave. But he was not even grateful. Ds birthday was yesterday and i was up from seven doing everything for it. He just got the cake. It got to nine last night and i asked him to get me food and he told me he was gonna finish drinking first. He gives me no money. All his wages go to him. He says i get tax credit so i can pay for food nappies etc with that. I get £150 a month wages because i have to pay back rent as he did not pay it when i was on maternity leave and as it was in my name solely at the time i am liable. He does nothing round the house at all. Just sleeps all the time. I am exhausted and depressed. Live near camden so dont want to be put in hostel. Want to try and get flat in kent somewhere and get council to pay. Does anyone know anybody with flat to rent who i could pay deposit off each week or anything like that?

OP posts:

charliecat · 02/02/2008 11:11

You need to get to a housing place, tell them the situation. There will be people there that will help you, you can get help for deposit. Social loan? I think the housing people may also know of other means to borrowing a deposit to keep people off the housing lists.
Sorry you are going through this. I am in Tunbridge Wells. I can get forms or numbers or whatever for you for this area and surrounding. There are also other Kent Mnetters.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 11:20

thanks charliecat gonna ring camden monday see what help they can give me

OP posts:

LIZS · 02/02/2008 11:26

Even if you leave him he is still obliged to support your ds financially if not you too. Legally, there is no his and your money in a marriage, it is collective, so he cannot claim otherwise. You do have to tread slightly carefully as you may end up being deemed to have intentionally made yourselves homeless and therefore not be a high priority for social housing of your own and unless you are financially secure (ie not dependent on benefits) many private landlords may turn you away. However some Councils/YMCA's have deposit schemes for private rentals to use in circumstances such as abuse. Or would your family act a guarantor of rent/deposit ? Presumably you'd have to stop working ? Can you approach CAB or Shelter to find out your options ?

Original poster

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 11:45

i know he should be giving us money but he wont. His money in seperate account. Will ring council monday and see what they can do. Its hard to admit its over. Suppose i am just afraid of being alone

OP posts:

charliecat · 02/02/2008 11:47

Aw you poor thing. Dont go walkig out yet. find out what your options are.

colditz · 02/02/2008 11:48

womens aid can give you real practical physical help. Ring them, speak to them, they won't pressure you to do anything you feel you can't do, they will help you to do what you want to do.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 11:55

oh i will phone womens aid.. I think camden have something called safety net too. I am not gonna do anything until i know we are ok. Its my fault i should have left him way before now. In fact should have left when he abandoned me when i fell pg

OP posts:

colditz · 02/02/2008 12:03

You are a brave and strong woman and you can carry yourself a\nd you child through this.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 12:12

i dunno i used to be. He seems to have zapped that all out of me. I am just so tired all the time. I work three nights a week until one in morning. Ds gets up at seven and does not sleep during day. I just never have five mins for me. He does nothing. He just looks after him while i work and most of the time he just sleeps with him. I even have to cook before i start at seven. Just left message on safety net phone

OP posts:

charliecat · 02/02/2008 12:20

Its not your fault by they way, even if you should have left a long time ago. Sometimes you need for things to get really bad so you dont faff about wondering whether you made the right decision or not.

LIZS · 02/02/2008 12:24

He may think he can get away with keeping the money but a court/mediator/CSA would see it quite differently and he would have to pay maintenance. Think you also need to see a solicitor tbh - CAB, or perhaps the safety net or Women's Aid, can put you in touch with one who will give you a free initial consultation and you may qualify for Legal Aid longer term.

Freckle · 02/02/2008 12:38

Whereabouts in Kent is your family? Local authorities do a rent deposit scheme (whereby they effectively guarantee the deposit for people who don't have sufficient funds), although it can be difficult to find a landlord who will accept it (may be less difficult now that landlords have to place the deposit with an independent third party these days).

You could apply for housing to the local authority where your family is based as you will be able to show local connections. Contact Women's Aid and enlist their help too.

scouserabroad · 02/02/2008 12:58

I'm not even living in the UK so not much help to you, just wanted to say good luck hope the council / safety net helps you.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 15:14

ds just had a massive sleep so i managed to get some shut eye so feeling better jus waiting for safety net to phone me back probably will be monday now. Surprised ds slept he never usually sleeps during day.

OP posts:

charliecat · 02/02/2008 15:26

Good Good The people who are ringing back, they arent going to ring when dh is about are they?

Original poster

mehdismummy · 02/02/2008 16:08

no they will probably phone during day when he is at work

OP posts:

Original poster

mehdismummy · 03/02/2008 09:50

different day same shit. He just laying in bed. Asked him for money he told me no. Asked him why i should pay all the back rent and was told it was like that and i was the one who got pg so was my fault. My boss being very supportive saying i should take time to just think. I really wish my dad was still alive. I know i would not be here in this situation if he was here

OP posts:

CrushWithEyeliner · 03/02/2008 10:00

I remembr your last thread MM - things seem like they are getting much worse since then. Don't give him any more chances darling he is a nasty piece of work and totally selfish. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing x

AlistairSim · 03/02/2008 10:02

Sorry you're having such a shit time.

Just hold it together until all the offices are open tomorrow and you can find some help.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 03/02/2008 10:03

i know i have already given him five years of my life. The only good thing to come out of it is ds. Really want to move near family but just have no cash for deposit etc

OP posts:

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