need to get out

[mehdismummy]

is there anybody out there in kent? So so fed up with dh. My family live in kent and i think i would be happier there. Have no money of my own but could try and save up to get deposit etc. Just got told to f off again. So he is back to being horrible again. Its been a couple of weeks so it was due. If i try to argue just get threatned with violence. Just need help. Sister no help at all. At the end of my tether.

what do your family say about your situation? can they help you at all?

I did mention the rent deposit scheme. You need to check with the local authority of where you want to rent. Also, if you contact Women's Aid, you may be able to register for local authority housing in the area where your family lives as you would be able to show a local connection.

Whereabouts in Kent is your family?

Sorry, registering for housing is not dependent on contacting Women's Aid, but they may be able to help you provide evidence of DV to support your claim for housing.

i know i have to contact housing at the local council too. I wanted to contact womens aid because i need support. The council are not going to give me that. I have already spoken to council before and they just do not seem to care. Saying that i already had a flat so if i left i would make myself intentionally homeless. So believe me i am under no illusions on how the council will help me. This is why i have found it hard to leave before as have been told i would be put in a hostel in camden. Camden is a horrible place. I want more information before i choose that route. My family live near dover and my mum and dad divorced when i was eight. I lived with my dad. Dad died four years ago and i cant stay with mum

I think the council should help a bit more if they know that your dh is violent - if they dont, the police/womens refuge should do. No-one should be expected to live with a violent dh and it's rubbish to say you are making yourself intentionally homeless - you have no choice! Plus you have your ds, so you should be high up on any list for assistance. Good luck tomorrow - don't take any more shit. Get out now, you know you must.

thanks sparky gonna ring safety net again tomorrow. I am gonna make sure i have everything in place before i leave

That's why you need some support from Women's Aid as they can support an application to the local authority. No woman who leaves home because of DV can be considered to have made herself intentionally homeless.

Hi Mehdismummy,
so sorry I missed this, have been ill over the weekend
I am in Canterbury. Dover isn't far
I think the others have given you some great advice - definitely get in touch with your local womens support people, the council or the doctors surgery will have their number, and ask to speak to someone about your situation. Mine were great when I was getitng out of an abusive relationship last year. They gave me advice, wrote a report for me, wrote back up letters for me to give the CSA etc about not contacting my ex, they were brilliant.
I think you are likely to get urgent housing help if you can prove a connection to the area, is it possible you could stay with your mum for a few weeks?
Dover has a bit of an issue with asylum seekers which of course impacts on the housing lists, but it is worth a try.
Definitely put things in place before ou leave, and also don't mention it to your other half as he might try to stop you.
Will check back later xx Take care

Here

Dover looks well informed actually. Give them a ring if you can.

Actually I will ring them for you, give me an hour or two, will try after 8.30 and see if someone's there.

Would hate your DH to trace your calls.

This describes their homeless policy, read it too

Looks like you'd qualify for 'urgent' due to having a dependant, and leaving due to being at risk of violence. You might need a letter from womens support/ etc to back this up, so get onto the today and get something in writing. It also says if you have close family there you qualify. You might still end up in a hostel but that's a Dover hostel, not a Camden one...which might help a little.

I hope they might give you a house.

hi there guardian angel! I am actually going to spend week with mum at end of march for a week. So if i need to see them personally i can. You are right dover is just a asylum den. My family live in deal. Spoke to my dad sister last night and she said she was gonna look for places to rent for me that would take benefits and compared to london rent is low. I want to get everything set up first. Spoke to my sister yesterday who helpfully told me my dh would kill me if i took ds away from him. I said what am i suppose to do then? She said i should write him a letter and if he does not take any notice then think about going but at least try to talk. I have tried so many times but he wont listen. My boss was brill yesterday. Canterbury great. Use to think it was a big treat going to the 'big city' when i was about seven!

Hi there Mehdismummy, DO NOT tell him, do not talk to him about it, if he is likely to object he could seriously harm you or Ds - the time most abusive men are likely to trip the switch is when the partner tries to leave them. Be aware of that and DO NOT let on that you have anything in mind, or planned - keep everything secret, please...that is very important. You do not need his permission to leave. It is your choice and you are making it under duress from him already. Telling him will achieve nothing, you need to get out and he isn't going to say 'fine, here's some money, have fun;' he is going to get very angry and possibly more violent.

Speak to womensaid or your local group today. Get some support around you. You've done really really well getting your family actuve on it, sounds like they believe you and are being helpful

Going to ring Dover for some info in a minute. x

Ps Deal is lovely!!

I just rang and she's going to ring me back x

oh god no was not gonna tell him. She wanted me to tell him that the way he was towards with me was hurtful and he needed to change his behaviour or we would not have a marriage. When we have argued before i have said i will leave and he told me go but you wont stop me seeing my son. Got doctors this afternoon because i am so down hopefully she can help

She should be able to back you up with the housing, I think. Ask her if she can write you a letter to keep if you need it, just saying she believes you are at risk of DV and need some help to leave.
I am sorry you are feeling so rotten. I think he has had enough chances to save the marriage, from now on you need to be proactive for yourself and little man, which i think you are doing really well

Let us know how you get on with the Dr.

Proud of you for facing all this!

thanks its just so hard to admit that its not working and i know ds will miss daddy but i just cant go on like this anymore. I need to feel loved and i dont think he is capable of that emotion. Wish he would just discuss it but he is not capable of that emotion either.

MM your sister is not being helpful by suggesting that you should be 'trying to talk' - you've obv. tried that and got violence in return. You are not the one breaking up this marriage - he is!
I second what FA said - keep it all secret - in fact try to keep it from your family as much as poss, as the first thing he will do is come down on your family.
good luck

thanks sparky my sister has hurt me alot really. It just makes it harder with noone to confide in

Hi Mehdismummy - just seen this thread, been away for the weekend. So sorry. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I do agree it would be better to get a plan in place before you leave. I'm around tomorrow, if you fancy a coffee, please text me if you do. Look after yourself.

Hi pet,
just now had that call back

She said basically, there is a protocol in place for every council and you will be taken seriously, you will not be asked for evidence, you will be taken to a 'place of safety' whichever is the most immediate and then transferred to somewhere better...so the hostel would not be forever.

I explained that you had family in deal and she said it is possible that Dover council could help you, but you'd need to ring them directly, as she couldn't tell me anything.

She was a bit cagey so I suggest you try ringing them, the other one was nicer, this one was called Deborah the first one was Sarah I think. Try and get Sarah lol!

I hope they offer you some hope. xxx

Oh and if Camden housed you you could then ask to move to Deal once you had a place in Camden, iyswim...like a council swap iyswim.

She's also helping a family from Turkey atm. so familiar with muslim aspect, if that applies x

thanks alot. Went to doctors and she was great. She offered to sign me off for a couple of weeks because of stress i am under. Has arranged for me to see a counsellor and advised me to contact womens aid. Still waiting for call back from them. Will call again tomorrow if nothing happens today. Still sadly part of me wishes he would listen. Bil apparently gonna talk to him but not gonna hold my breath. Apart from a complete lobotomy i doubt he will change.! Will call dover district council tomorrow as well as camden. Thank you so much again. How are you and ds by the way did you go to docs?

Oh I'm so glad she was helpful. We didn't go to docs yet, I'm a bit better thanks, don't worry about me!
Be back on tomorrow, make the most of your rest, you really deserve it xx