Parents - unbelievable

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My childhood was marred with having to witness extreme domestic violence. My father hit my mum all through their marriage and punched her, hit her etc etc....several times I thought my mother was going to die. I was an only child. I had to physically put my self between my parents to avoid my father inflicting blows on my mother. I remember so many times sitting by her bedside comforting her and debating whether she needs to be taken to hospital or not. He was never violent towards me.

My mother never left him. Now they are old, 85 and 78. He still shouts at her, calls her names etc. He is physically unable to do a lot of things. Now my mother is complaining of having to look after him. I told her that she wouldn't have been in this position if she'd left him years ago, when I was young. But she won't accept any blame, saying she didn't want me to lose a father's loving relationship. She is something else.
She now wants sympathy for her situation.
AIBU not to have any?? Sorry I know it's not in AIBU. But she completely denies she did anything wrong by failing to remove me from that situation and now she wants help and support! I need some perspective on this.

Your poor Mum, You sound awful Victim blaming.

You are on the relationship board, maybe scroll down a bit and read some threads from other posters, 'Getting out' and leaving is not as simple as it may sound in many situations.

Thanks. It helps to get another perspective.

My mother is/was highly educated and was extremely wealthy. She wasn't dependant on my father financially in anyway.

I’m guessing you’re about my age (40s)? It was much, much harder then for a woman to leave. Some did, of course but for many it wasn’t possible. A woman couldn’t rent/get a mortgage, doubly so with a small child. Many professions wouldn’t have employed her. My friend in her 70s had to quit teaching when she got married in the 1960s.

I understand your anger and yes, she should have protected you but she may have felt her options were extremely limited.

Of course I blame my father primarily. He was a nasty person. But she did have the means to get out.

OP you were a victim too and your mother failed to protect you from abuse. You have a right to be angry for that.

I'm sorry your childhood was so crap. You mum should've done more to protect you. How do you feel about your father? Are you as angry with him?

Have you had counselling? Your mum and you were both victims of your father. But your mother didn’t protect you and you are perfectly entitled to feel anger about that.

She is much wealthier than my father - lots of family money. No reason to stay with him. They didn't even have a loving relationship.

Your mum was in a terrible marriage but she wasn't in an emotional place to be able to leave I do understand your feelings though its not easy especially when they are elderly.

I think its understandable to resent your mum for her situation after what you witnessed and went through as a child, but its important to remember that the options women have now would not have been available when your mum was younger.

Sorry, I didn’t see your update till after I’d typed (slow typist). In that case, yes she should have protected you and perhaps left. Does she say explicitly why she didn’t, given that she had the means?

Having not been in your position I don't know whether I can say if you're right or wrong to feel the way you do about your Mum (although it's your Dad who deserves your anger really). It's all very sad. What a waste of your Mum's life. Have you had counselling for your lifelong trauma?

I can sympathise. I am in the same position as you but without the physical violence. My dad has been verbally abusive to my mum all their relationship. It made for a miserable childhood. She left him once for a year but went back when he sweet talked her.

Now he has dementia and physically very frail. She has to care for him 24/7. I asked her years ago how it would make her feel to care for her abuser. She simply said but she loves him.

Now she needs support with him and it is very difficult to navigate. I only stay in contact with either of them for her sake. What is very hard to watch is her own last few years of reasonable health being wasted on him. Horrible, as the abusive fucker still finds a way to ruin her life.

Ok but everyone does reside that 40 years ago wasn’t the 60s, it was the 80s, right??? And OP has already said her mother had the means to leave with a wealthy family.

OP - ok sorry you want through it and I don’t think you’re wrong to be angry.

My parents were similar although not as much physical abuse but arguing everyday, screaming and shouting which I'd sit upstairs and listen to. Left a real mark on me.

My mum never left and always hated him but I think she truly felt she couldn't. A different era, expectations around divorce were so different. And she didn't have money until we were teens and she inherited but even then she didn't leave. I think she just didn't have the confidence and society wasn't supportive enough. Maybe it would be a different story today.

It's funny, I should be very angry at my father. I don't seem to have that anger.

I'm not angry at my mother for the past, I'm upset at her now in the present, because she is justifying the choice she made and seeks empathy and understanding from me. And she told me this morning that I should "build up my personality" to better deal with my past - that has angered me and is what has prompted me to write this thread.

But you have the means to not worry yourself over this.

It was no easier for your mum to simply change how she felt than it is for you. You think she should have just 'stopped feeling she had to put up with it', but what you're asking is 'how do I stop feeling upset by it'.

Why do you think it would have been different for her to change her mindset when you can't change your own?

You don’t sound awful at all, OP. I don’t know if you’ve been able to access therapy for yourself, but your childhood sounds very traumatic, so you might benefit from getting professional help to help you deal with its impact on you.

I agree that your mother should have put your safety first. Telling you she had to stay ‘so you could have your father’s love’ is especially bizarre reasoning in the context of you specifically saying you’d rather she’d left him.

Even if it was difficult for her to have left at the time as PP speculate (and it doesn’t seem that it would have been more difficult for her than for other women who fled abusive husbands at the time - likely easier for her than most, if she was financially secure), you’d hope that by now she could reflect and understand the harm she caused you by staying with him, forcing you to witness and intervene in his ongoing abuse of her. It doesn’t sound like she’s been able to or wants to understand that. You may be best advised to give up hope that she ever will.

@AnyFucker very similar here. I too find it difficult. It is hard not to blame our DM’s as they did not protect us but also I have no idea what mental state she was in and I can fully see that she did not have the mental resources to leave. She did a few times but she always went back. I often mutter to myself when she complains, you made your bed….

You know he didn't protect you either . He couldn't care less how his actions affected you.

TemporaryAlternativeName - yes exactly. What angers me now is that she seems to not "get" that I was also damaged. All she can think of is what she went through.

FFS OP is not victim blaming.

OP you were a victim of both domestic abuse and of your mothers failure to protect you.

you have every right to be angry.

Yes my father shoulders 99% of the blame I see that.

It is horrendous and dysfunctional but they won't accept blame sadly.

Or responsibility.