Parents - unbelievable

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My childhood was marred with having to witness extreme domestic violence. My father hit my mum all through their marriage and punched her, hit her etc etc....several times I thought my mother was going to die. I was an only child. I had to physically put my self between my parents to avoid my father inflicting blows on my mother. I remember so many times sitting by her bedside comforting her and debating whether she needs to be taken to hospital or not. He was never violent towards me.

My mother never left him. Now they are old, 85 and 78. He still shouts at her, calls her names etc. He is physically unable to do a lot of things. Now my mother is complaining of having to look after him. I told her that she wouldn't have been in this position if she'd left him years ago, when I was young. But she won't accept any blame, saying she didn't want me to lose a father's loving relationship. She is something else.
She now wants sympathy for her situation.
AIBU not to have any?? Sorry I know it's not in AIBU. But she completely denies she did anything wrong by failing to remove me from that situation and now she wants help and support! I need some perspective on this.

I think it's best to accept that they are too far gone and they can't change, when they start to lose it a bit you might be able to get them to talk openly about their own childhoods and what was really going on with your childhood.... that might give you some clues, then again it might be too painful.
Constitutionally unable to tolerate being in the wrong and cannot admit to it.

Tbh if this dynamic has been going on for such a long time, it meets a need in your mother.

I also think that the demand you have empathy is twisted. She is seeking you as an audience, replicating that sense of powerlessness you had as a child. It gives her meaning.

Stay away. The next part brings you back in and you have to pretend it was all okay. This is probably all driven by an abusive man who is not able to physically hurt people now but is still enjoying a few mind games with his immediate family.

Please, no contact, and my best wishes. These situations when they have persisted for so long are quite different from a woman who has chosen to leave. Your mother is trying to pretzel your head up for her own reasons.

I understand you OP. My parents have a dysfunctional relationship - although there was no physical abuse there is and was financial and emotional abuse.

I've learnt unfortunately that we as their children are collateral damage. You have every right to feel the way that you do.

Have you read the Stately Homes thread on this board? There is a wealth of recommendations of podcasts, books and youtube videos that you may find helpful and you may find you recognise very similar experiences in them.

A lot of people don't understand the relationship damaged children have with this type of parents and unfortunately don't quite understand the way we react and our feelings.

FWIW my Mum loves to play the victim and martyr. She will continually moan and lament over the tragedy and life's bad cards she has been dealt with - without once taking into account anyone else's feelings. It has got a lot worse now she is older. I think she loves people feeling sorry for her. Even though she can change things, she chooses not to and in fact, seems to make choices that make her situation worse. It is frustrating and exhausting.

I am not in contact with my parents and feel better about it. However, before, when I was in low contact, I would simply just listen and just say lots of mmmmms and ahhhhhs. Then try and change the subject or simply leave. I found it helpful to not engage. They are all adults and actually quite fortunate in many ways. I found that it was rather manipulative of them.

Thanks for all the replies.

I still feel pretty angry about it all to be honest, especially as my mother still expects me to do favours for her, like look after my dad this morning while she went shopping. I'm not home today but my DCs (14 and 12) are, I said yes yesterday, but it turned out she needed to go shopping for longer than expected, over 2 hours, which I wasn't happy about especially as the 12yr old is not feeling well, so didn't want to give them the responsibility of it.
They've hardly ever looked after the kids when they were younger, I think it was the once for an afternoon and a couple of evenings for me and DH to go out.. To be fair they lived over 200 miles away, but they moved up a couple of years ago, just in time for us to look after them.

Your anger is completely understandable. Your mother could have removed you from your abusive home but didn't. That's not to say it would have been easy, of course. But from your description of her it sounds like she didn't leave because of what other people would think. She put that above yours and her own safety and wellbeing.

And to compund it, she tells you that she stayed for you - so that you could have a loving relationship with yout father! Which is of course ridiculous, as if she was thinking of you she would have left. Or at least she wouldn't be defending her actions, and her relationship, now.

She didn't put you first then, when you were a small dependent child. You don't have to put their needs first now. You didn't have any choices back then. Your mother has choices now. Again, they might not be easy choices, and I'm trying hard not to victim blame. But you were a child who was damaged (and are still being affected all these years later) and you shouldn't now be forced to look after the man who abused your mum and made your childhood so hard. And your mother should understand why this is so hard for you, and she shouldn't expect you to care for him or have sympathy for him.

Concentrate on saying no. Believe me otherwise you will be facing a much tougher time.

Do not wait or expect an apology. You will not get one

It really isn't that simple, and more so several decades ago.

My grandmother was a survivor of horrific domestic abuse. She was beaten black and blue whether she was pregnant, postnatal or not, didn't matter to him. Had 5 children through being forced to have sex and remain in a marriage.

He would take her wages (from three jobs) and his own wages, and piss it all up the wall drinking every weekend before coming home on a Sunday evening to give her a good hiding.

It was seen as shameful to leave a marriage back then and family would rarely support you. My grandmothers mum told her she had made her bed and has to lie in it.

She eventually left with her children without even a knife and fork between then. One of her sisters took pity on her and let them stay for one night before moving to a hostel until permanent accommodation could be arranged.

She couldn't get a mortgage or rent somewhere easily, she had children in school that had to be taken away from their friends, she had no money and was absolutely terrified.

Be understanding and kind, you have no idea how hard it may have been for her.

Pp this mother had her own resources. She could have left and started again. And many women did do that.

If she says anything "mum maybe it's time you look at care homes. I'm not available to look after either of you two."

It sounds like she wants you to agree that she made the right choice to stay when you were a child. But you don't agree.

If you read the posts here, you will see that your mother's view of her choices is a very common starting point with women in dysfunctional relationships. They believe, or want to believe, that staying in the marriage will be better for their young children. But, as you are experiencing, that is seldom true. And people here often advise women that their children are unlikely to be grateful in later life. Your current experiences are the outcome they mean.

It may be unfortunate that you are more angry with your mother than your father, but it is unsurprising. She was not an awful person and so could have protected you better by leaving. To a greater or lesser extent, she has made her bed, and if you want to leave her to lie in it, then so be it. Particularly if you've suggested she leave now and she's still choosing not to. You do not owe her anything, but you might find it helpful to reflect on whether you can let go of your anger, for your own sake.