Parents - unbelievable

[DataColour]

My childhood was marred with having to witness extreme domestic violence. My father hit my mum all through their marriage and punched her, hit her etc etc....several times I thought my mother was going to die. I was an only child. I had to physically put my self between my parents to avoid my father inflicting blows on my mother. I remember so many times sitting by her bedside comforting her and debating whether she needs to be taken to hospital or not. He was never violent towards me.

My mother never left him. Now they are old, 85 and 78. He still shouts at her, calls her names etc. He is physically unable to do a lot of things. Now my mother is complaining of having to look after him. I told her that she wouldn't have been in this position if she'd left him years ago, when I was young. But she won't accept any blame, saying she didn't want me to lose a father's loving relationship. She is something else.
She now wants sympathy for her situation.
AIBU not to have any?? Sorry I know it's not in AIBU. But she completely denies she did anything wrong by failing to remove me from that situation and now she wants help and support! I need some perspective on this.

What a shame your father has never taken accountability for his actions and stopped the abuse. Victims of any abuse seem to take the rap all too often and the abusers get away scott free. The victims are worn down on a daily basis, often left with no sense of self worth and feeling they are entirely to blame. No amount of money can change that. The abuser knows what they are doing.
And it's often those who could have stepped in and helped (family, friends, professionals) who don't. Hence why we hear so many horrific stories of those who didn't make it. And those who do survive are left to deal with it.
And in 2022, nothing seems to have changed. More awareness maybe, but the nevertheless, statistics show that we haven't conquered this.
I would suggest your DH has a word with your father, making it clear that you are aware and monitoring the situation and happy to report him if necessary. Its never too late.

Kindly, you need to find a way to deal with and process this pain without blaming your mum because it's never their fault that after someone destroying them, they didn't have the strength to leave.

Like I said earlier, my anger towards my mother is more to do with the present situation, She can still leave if she chooses to . Instead she wants me to get embroiled in their situation and reminds me that they are still my parents and I must consider/look after them.

Findingmypurposeinlife - I worry that if my dad hears about what I have told DH he would find away to blame my mother for it and will take it out on her. That's the kind of person he is.

They both failed you, OP. You owe them nothing.

She can still leave if she chooses to . Instead she wants me to get embroiled in their situation
their situation, not yours. Let her sort it.

and reminds me that they are still my parents and I must consider/look after them.
Like she considered and looked after you?

I completely understand, but then you are admitting your mother is still very much at risk and that raises plenty of alarm bells.
I am honestly shocked that absolutely no one appears to have raised concerns - hospital staff or even neighbours. I honestly hope you and your mother can find peace one day.
Violence and abuse doesn't have an age limit and to have to live through that horrific trauma day in and day out (and witness it) takes a lot of courage.

But she's still in that place and doesn't know how to be different and to live differently.

I think be really clear with her that you're there to help and support if she wants to leave but that you can't enable his ongoing abuse of her and you also need to protect yourself.

Grey rock:

That's your choice Mum, you have options.

They both failed as parents. Unlike a lot of women your mother had the means to leave, but chose not to. Her choice meant that you were exposed to sights and sounds that can affect a child's mental development for life, even though you weren't hit yourself. This has been understood for a long time now.

'Build up your personality' pfft! What ignorant nonsense. She is just in denial about how she let you down as a child. You are not responsible for caring for either of them. If she's so well off she could stick him in a home, or just leave and get a divorce. It's not too late.

Hear hear. I was going to type something similar but you’ve summed it up perfectly. Op you are entitled to feel anyway you want. Feelings aren’t right or wrong.

I am honestly shocked that absolutely no one appears to have raised concerns - hospital staff or even neighbours.
She never went to hospital. Her injuries weren't life threating (I intervened as I mentioned earlier). But I still remember the smell of her when she was battered and bruised and in tears - it's such a specific smell I can still recall it, I wish I couldn't.
Neighbours did hear - nobody did anything unfortunately.

She can still make the decision to leave him now.
Please ignore the PPS saying it's too hard to do so at her age. My gran left her husband when they were similar ages.
Social services can take care of him if you don't want to.
It sounds like it would be worth her having a serious think (and maybe investing in some legal advice) now, while she's still got the capacity to decide how she'd like her last few years of life to go. Has she made arrangements (for example) for you to have Power of Attorney? Have either of them written wills?

100% agree.

Your mother was an adult and you were a child.

Your childhood sounds horrific and your mother continues with her denial by wanting you to move on.

I think you really need to spend money on the best therapist you can find.

You need to look at finally putting YOU first and consider going no contact or very very low contact with them.

How awful that they are living nearby.

The good news is that they have money and can spend what they have on getting help.

Do not get involved in their care.

Be wary of being involved with your mother, she has used you as her crutch all your life and you do not owe her your future.

Reading your OP reminds me once again of just how much I admire beyond words the women who up and leave and go to a refuge, often with nothing, just to get their children away from a childhood like yours.

I don't for a second blame you for questioning her, with all her means, didn't at least try to save you from the hell of your childhood.

I wonder that you don't have PTSD seeing them together after what you saw and endured for so many years.

I feel desperately sorry for you and would really urge you to get some support for all the horror you have gone through.

Thank God you married a good man.

I am so sorry that you have had to pick up the pieces and remember such awful things.
Please remember, not everyone is the same and I could never just stand by and watch

Sorry, posted too early. I could never just stand by and watch or hear anyone go through that and there are many others who would do the same.
Without a solid support network, its not easy to make life changing decisions (and even harder sometimes to try and convince someone else who has had all hope beaten out of them, that there is and can be a better way)
It's the psychological scars that people don't see that can do the most harm when the physical ones have healed.
Your strength and courage is inspirational. Again, I am so, so sorry for the trauma you have endured and witnessed.

Thanks for all your responses. I've read them all and they are so helpful and thanks for all the advice.
I don't think my mother truly gets it even now, the trauma it caused me, being used as a human shield and having to witness all that. Her "apology" yesterday was not sincere at all. She kept saying how I should think of her and have empathy, she makes everything all about her, she always has and not just about this issue.
She'll never get it sadly.
I have messaged my father too to remind him to be kinder to her. They have a very weird dysfunctional relationship. You wouldn't believe even if I went into details.

If I had to guess, your mother probably also had a dysfunctional relationship with her parents and is repeating that with your father. Stay away.

Walk away now, while you still can. They will only get older and more infirm and lay on the guilt.

As a matter of interest, what do you get out of this relationship? Does it bring you any joy?

I'm sorry for your experience datacolour. I have a similar story, though it was a violent stepfather in my case, and my mother did eventually leave after a family member threatened her with losing custody. And yep, my mother is the same, we are no contact after a big blow up where dh finally got to see her true colours.

I had a lot of trouble dealing with it all when my first children were born, I held my baby and couldn't understand how she could let it all happen to a child she loved this much!
Now I've been married 20 years to a not-abusive man and I have more compassion for her, it is hard to change what you’ve spent your whole life building. Not at all an excuse, and I am still no contact with my mother, but I doubt she has the ability now to process and reframe her entire life & it would be too painful to try so she'll lash out if you (or your dh) try to force it 😔

All those saying her mother was a victim - yes she was, but she was also an adult who had a responsibility to protect her child.

She failed in that.

Children have no ability to get away from these situations. Adults do.

As for the 'it was harder to leave back then' - it's always hard to leave, it takes organisation, courage and support every time. It still needs to be done.

There is a reason social services intervene when children are known to be witnessing constant domestic violence - because it causes harm to them, even when they're not being physically hurt.

It's quite hurtful for your mother to have your mother blame you for her being hurt because 'she stayed for you to have a relationship with your father'. That's victim blaming!

OP - Your mother had choices. She made them. She was harmed by them. You were also harmed by them. She still has choices - she can and should leave now. She no longer has the excuse that she's staying for you.

I think her request for empathy is interesting.

Exactly how much empathy did she show for YOU, a CHILD when she used you as a shielding witness to years of abuse?

She had the means to put you ahead of herself, but didn't.

I mean this kindly but I think you need to think about who you are putting first, and who you should be putting first in this whole dynamic.

Your parents both put themselves first.

You as an adult are also putting them first.

How has continuing a relationship with them impacted yourself, children, husband, relationship, the family you share with them?

It must be impacted having such poisonous abuse in your life for so long, and now living so near you.

I think you should step away for your own children and family, if you won't do it just for yourself.

Show some empathy for yourself.

Don't wait till their both dead for a bit of real peace in your life.

Therapy could really help you unpick this.

Why are you even in contact with these people?

I realise this may sound crass and for that I apologise but I think your mother is FUBAR and your father is a POS
These things are very complex and can take decades to unpick, and the process of doing so can be painful and unsettling even if it is illuminating, none of it is your fault of course and I congratulate you for surviving it.

Op you need to stop trying to fix it. From messaging your father to getting your husband involved. You have to stop trying to fix them. It will never work. This life is their choice, they could have left each other.

you need to pull back on this unhealthy dynamic of trying to fix it for them. Trying to be the saviour. The peace maker, it’s not your responsibility and it’s pointless. You can’t change them. They won’t leave each other and they won’t be nice to one another either

as fucked up as it is, you need to accept that.

@DataColour
"she told me this morning that I should "build up my personality" to better deal with my past - that has angered me and is what has prompted me to write this thread."
"What angers me now is that she seems to not "get" that I was also damaged. All she can think of is what she went through."

I hear you completely.
Cognitive dissonance at play.

A counsellor once told me that despite my mum saying she was the primary victim the children in the house were also massively affected by the toxic environment, lies, walking on eggshells etc. I tempered my behaviour as a child and continue to do so now. I lived in fear for most of my childhood (but also experienced his occasional secret violence against me).

My DM is the same age as yours and has never accepted an ounce of responsibility. When I've tried to discuss it she turns nasty and can be very spiteful. It's taken years to realise that her ongoing emotional neglect and lack of accountability was in fact the biggest problem. Like your mum, she plays the primary victim. I've been told to stop living in the past and now she gaslights me and badmouths me as I'm not the ideal, caring daughter. (I've started to push back when she she gets too manipulative).

Difference is, your mum is still with her abuser. Mine escaped my dad in the early to mid 1980's and was working full time and re-married.

Both of your parents have been abusive and now you have to decide your level of support and engagement as they need help. It's not easy. There are days I wish I could walk away but I don't as my little family unit is all she has left. Plus I want to protect my teens from her toxicity and demands as if I'm not there she'll start calling on them to help.

Based on my own experience the only option to preserve your sanity and protect your own children from the cycle is to go NC or to go VLC and practise grey rock. They won't change. Your father has been the same man he's always shown himself to be - he's wicked. No good father ever hit their child's mother. For her own reasons, your mother decided to stay then and now. I'm biased from my own experiences, but I'd hazard a guess that there's something in being a victim that appeals to your mums need for attention. Forever the martyr. That's what mine is and it's sickening to see now. She was a victim of your father, yes, but that fact does nothing to change the fact that they BOTH kept you in a DV situation and didn't put you first. That is the nuance here. Your dad is an abuser, your mum is both a victim and an enabler of abuse to her child(ren). It's really, really shit that this is the situation you are faced with. Truthfully, OP, you've always had to be the grown up in the room. You were as a child, and you are now. Only now you have a choice - you can do what your mum never did. You can get out, and you can protect yourself now. Your parents will never do the right thing by you so you have to do it for yourself. Unfortunately that means distance.