Parents - unbelievable

[DataColour]

My childhood was marred with having to witness extreme domestic violence. My father hit my mum all through their marriage and punched her, hit her etc etc....several times I thought my mother was going to die. I was an only child. I had to physically put my self between my parents to avoid my father inflicting blows on my mother. I remember so many times sitting by her bedside comforting her and debating whether she needs to be taken to hospital or not. He was never violent towards me.

My mother never left him. Now they are old, 85 and 78. He still shouts at her, calls her names etc. He is physically unable to do a lot of things. Now my mother is complaining of having to look after him. I told her that she wouldn't have been in this position if she'd left him years ago, when I was young. But she won't accept any blame, saying she didn't want me to lose a father's loving relationship. She is something else.
She now wants sympathy for her situation.
AIBU not to have any?? Sorry I know it's not in AIBU. But she completely denies she did anything wrong by failing to remove me from that situation and now she wants help and support! I need some perspective on this.

Please ignore the posters on here accusing you of victim blaming. You are as much a victim of your Dad as your mum is.

This is a super complex area and you are not alone in having these feelings of anger towards your mum. If you can afford it, consider going to finding a counsellor who specialises in this kind of area- domestic abuse. You will greatly benefit from having the space to unpack your very valid feelings about this and to come to terms with your mum's decisions.

Good luck and congratulations on surviving what sounds like a truly horrendous childhood 💕

I don't blame you at all for your feelings towards your mother. In my family, my father is the violent one (to my mother, as well as me and my siblings) and my mother would use us as human shields. When he was tormenting us then she was off the hook for a while.

These co-dependent relationships, as someone mentioned upthread, are utterly selfish. Your mother had a duty to protect you, but staying in her messed up relationship was more important to her, and now she expects sympathy from you for how she has prioritised her needs over yours. You don't owe her that. In my family also, because my mother plays the victim so well (she is narcissistic, not all cases of domestic violence are straightforward cases of violent man and innocent victim wife, although of course violence is never justified). She gets sympathy from my siblings for her histrionics, because at least she didn't hit us (much). She is seen as the 'good' parent. In reality, she's a nasty, malicious, gaslighting, undermining narcissistic abuser.

All I would say is try to deal with the emotions you feel in a healthy way. If that means stepping back from interactions with your mother, then do so. Speak to a counsellor or friends. Get it out of your system so you can deal with it, rather than letting it fester and getting angry. Don't doubt yourself, you are entitled to these emotions.

Also, look up 'parentification'. You have been deprived of a childhood by this woman, by being made to take on the adult role of consoling her and putting yourself in-between your parents to stop the violence. It seems like this is still going on today, don't let it.

My mum was in this very position and my dad ruined her life . But my mum was a victim of my fathers aggression and I would never turn it around on my mum that it was her fault for not leaving , I understand completely how my mum chose to deal with the situation it was hard for her to start again my father beat the mental strength out of her and it would have utterly destroyed her if I accused her of causing me abuse by not leaving . If you need to be angry then aim it at your father he is the cause of the whole situation . I find it very upsetting when the women / mother / victim of DV is somehow instigated as a joint abuser .

In my opinion, the reasons my mother didn't leave my father is because she was and still is a very pious person, likes to be seen as a martyr, thinks it goes against her religion (even though it doesn't), she didn't want to be seen as a divorcee, more concerned with how people will judge her if she left. Her siblings knew the situation, her mother knew the situation, but never did anything.

Yes, she still has the funds to leave him if she wishes.

I just talked to my DH about all this, he didn't know (luckily it was a quiet day for me and him at work!). He was appalled. He is going to talk to her and make her see sense that she can still change things for the future. I don't think I am strong enough to discuss this with her face to face.

Op I mean this gently but the odds of her leaving now are likely low to non existent. If she wouldn’t do it then, she’s unlikely to do it now, especially at her age.

id focus on how to close it down if she complains. Just say I don’t want to hear it or you chose this, or leave then, whatever.

you cared and tried to help as a child. You don’t need to do it anymore she’s taken enough from you , they both have

OP, have you ever had therapy?

It is sad what happened and you have a right to feel angry at your mother for not protecting you and your father for what he did.

However, you cannot change the situation now, and you also cannot change how your mum and dad are. I think therapy is a very good way to explore it all and come to some kind of peace, for your own sake. You are holding (understandably) a lot of feelings and a lot of resentment which you need to work through.

I just talked to my DH about all this, he didn't know (luckily it was a quiet day for me and him at work!). He was appalled. He is going to talk to her and make her see sense that she can still change things for the future. I don't think I am strong enough to discuss this with her face to face.

It's also not your responsibility to. You can't control her, OP. She will do what she will do and she has every right to make her own decisions. It's good of your DH to try this however you cannot make her do anything, and you shouldn't torture yourself about that. It's her life.

You need to find a way to make your peace with things you can't control. I really recommend you find a good psychodynamic therapist.

While it's good that you've talked to your husband about all this, I really wouldn't recommend him talking to your mother...believe me, she's not going to suddenly have a Damascene moment where she sees the light and realises what you went through...probably quite the opposite, all she will see is an outsider commenting on events that they were not a witness to, and sticking his oar in her marriage, which is even less of his business than it is of yours.

My sister in law once made the mistake of telling my mother that my older brother has no happy memories of childhood. My mother now hates her guts and thinks she is the devil incarnate who has lead my brother astray....any decision my brother makes that my mother doesn't approve of (so about 99% of them) is my sister in law's fault.

Let your husband concentrate on supporting you. Your mother is reaping what she sowed.

YANBU - victim blaming my arse.

You were a victim of both parents - they are both responsible for the abuse you suffered as a child and now one of them is demanding your support & sympathy. Do whatever is least bad for you - you have no responsibility (or power) to deal with her dysfunction.

It came to a head this morning as she was complaining that my father, who had to be seen at hospital yesterday due to a hand injury, was shouting at her in hospital, and that she was sick of looking after him.
Ask her what she is going to do about it.
Don't try to 'fix' the situation; throw it back to her. It's her life, it's up to her to sort it. Don't bring up the past because it will only muddy the waters. Every time she complains, don't offer solutions, just ask her what she is going to do (but head her off if the answer is "move in with you"!)

Get angry. Your mother was a grown woman who made choices for herself and you when you were a child.

To start extending sympathy now to circumstances that have been in her control for many years is not something you should have to do.

She may deserve pity but not much else.

OP, they both sound extremely dysfunctional and you have been very wronged.
I'm so sorry you had such a damaging childhood and I hope you can find a way to unpick some of what's happened and find some peace.
I think what happens is there is some kind of trauma bond and both people get locked into a pattern they can't get out of, it's very complicated and very damaging ☹️

No you’re not awful. I understand. There was t any physical abuse (beyond punching doors) in my childhood but there was emotional and they have a miserable codependent marriage. After therapy I told my mum I felt she’d failed me as a parent by not leaving and taking me away from my father. I cut my dad off for a couple of years but that was difficult to maintain as they’re still together. The only difference is they are poor and she never had the financial means to leave

She goes out and does her own thing more now but is still with him and he’s only got worse with age. I’ve made it clear I think she’s made her own bed and should’ve left him and have little sympathy. I won’t be helping them in old age beyond selling their house and sticking them in a home if they become incapacitated. I’m not angry at them any more, I feel largely indifferent to them.

He is going to talk to her and make her see sense that she can still change things for the future.
Does she actually want things to change. Or was she just offloading onto you because she can't offload onto the real cause of her problems, her husband?

The posters who say leave them to it are right. If you engage further with this dysfunction it ends with you have to participate in it to the detriment of your health. Particularly as they grow older.

It was a terrible thing to realise that my DM put her own emotional comfort and convenience ahead of my desperate needs, but that is what happened to me too OP, though in a completely different context. Of course it makes you angry, it is such a betrayal by someone who should have cared for you and protected you, yet will not even look at or acknowledge what they have done and how damaging it has been.
Feel your anger (it is completely justified). Draw a strong boundary now by telling her that her failure to look after herself and you by leaving her husband has created the situation she is now in, and damaged you. Tell her to find her own solutions to her current problems with care of your DF, as it is not for you to sort out for her. She is young enough and thankfully has the financial resources to do this on her own. Don't be drawn in to their situation.

Though it is healthy for you to feel the rage now, in the longer term you will need to let it dissipate, helped by having distance (NC with him, and NC or vLC with her). That is because carrying it with you always will be a toxic burden that will harm you. Therapy with the right person will help you to let it go safely.

yes, they are both dysfunctional in many many ways. The more I think about it the more I realise it. DH always said that they are dysfuctional in the way they behave now (a whole other thread) and he didn't even know about the domestic abuse in the past till today.

This is very interesting to me because my DH had the same sort of upbringing although he was actually hit and abused too and his mum also never left. Not until all children had left home. He has no ill feelings towards his mother but I really struggle to understand it and why none of the siblings blame her for them witnessing and themselves being beat, she didn't have any family to help her leave etc but as a mother myself I always think to myself how I would never let my children witness such things. However.. as I haven't lived it I cannot judge and understand it isn't as easy as it seems.

I think you are correct to feel how you do and think I would feel the same. I think others have made some good points that it was harder to leave back then although in recent years she may have had more of a chance.

I'm so sorry OP, you don't have to be around her, she had a choice. I would never expose a child to that ever.
My mother watched as my stepfather treated her like a queen and used me as a punching bag. Whenever I asked for help she would say, "He treats me well".
I don't see her any more and she's getting to the age where she needs me to care for her. She's on her own, I'm not caring for her.
Everyone has a choice.

Please leave them be. The next stage is you becoming enmeshed in this again as you were when you were a child. It will be traumatic.

Best of luck. There is something awful and yet very common about women trying shape a bully but instead getting a martyr status and abuse. It is grim.

I have parents like this. One thing to accept - your mum will never, ever leave. She’ll talk about it, rant about him, but she will not leave. She’s used to the status quo. She didn’t leave and she won’t leave.

This is for your own mental health, accept the fact that she won’t leave. She’s using you as a sounding board and likes to offload but she is in a situation of her own choosing.

She has chosen to stay, many times over. She likes to moan. She will not leave.

Blaming an adult for not protecting her child? Err.. yes!

That isn't victim blaming, that is blaming her wealthy mother for her disgraceful choices when she now wants empathy for asserting those choices.

OP had no choices as a child.

@DataColour
Your anger is understandable because you were that child who was experiencing horrible abuse. That child in you as well as the adult is angry that you weren't protected and prioritised.

As outsiders we can talk about the challenges in leaving an abusive relationship and that it's not just the practicalities and finances but also the emotional barriers. As an abused woman, she has been beaten down, diminished by him, told she's not worth love and care, probably told it's her fault and she won't get any better, everyone will blame her, her life will be ruined, she'd lose her child etc etc etc

For you though, that's impossible to get your head around because you're in it, you've lived it and you're hurt.

Kindly, you need to find a way to deal with and process this pain without blaming your mum because it's never their fault that after someone destroying them, they didn't have the strength to leave.

I agree with this.

You were both victims of your fathers violence.

You were a victim too and his violence put you in a position of protecting and supporting your mother that no child should be put in.

Your anger is understandable.