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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me with this.

141 replies

CastIronFire · 14/12/2022 04:27

I posted about this on chat a couple of weeks ago.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4687973-can-someone-explain-this-to-me-please?reply=121907012

I didn't end it because I couldn't quite bring myself to do so.

Is there really no other solution?

It's unbearable now. I can't speak to him and haven't seen him. I don't want to see him. I don't want to interrupt or disturb him in case he's thinking of someone else. I don't want to see him or go out with him in case he sees someone else.

After the thread, I did a lot of reading online. Stuff by psychologists and relationship therapists and all of them say its healthy to fantasise about other people sexually and that it makes sex better if the person you are having sex with is thinking about someone else! I also read that it happens several times a day and people are wrong for considering it to be 'microcheating'.

How have I got this so wrong?

I just don't understand. What is the point in going out with someone if you are constantly lusting after other people? What is the point? I don't need someone to mow my lawns, provide for me financially, help cook the dinner. I can either do those things myself or pay someone to do it.

It just feels like the model is you fancy someone and pursue them until you get them and then you spend the relationship being sexually attracted to other people.

Ir that you go out with someone 'un your keague' and then use them to fantasise about other people you find more desirable.

I thought itight he something that happened occasionally but to read it happens several times a day for most people has just destroyed me. It's all I can think about.

None of the other stuff he does or we have feels like it matters anymore and the only thing that does is that I'm not enough because, according to the internet, he's going to be constantly being briefly sexually aroused by everyone from the woman who serves him coffee to colleagues to actors in films he is watching and just supposed to be ok with that because it'll make our sex life better for him.

I don't even want to have sex with him anymore because of the fear of it.

It's making me ill.

OP posts:
Mumma · 14/12/2022 21:57

You keep saying about thinking of others when having sex but it doesnt appear that your boyfriend had actually ever said that??? Yet that's the part you have chosen to fixate on most...

You have asked for advice but you dont seem to have any interest in actually taking it you just want someone to agree with you

MoonbeamsGlittering · 15/12/2022 06:37

I've been looking online and the articles that I've seen say about 40 percent of men think about someone else during sex. If your partner seems like a good guy then there's a high chance that he's in the 60 percent who don't. To echo previous commenters, I have never ever done that. It wouldn't seem right to me.

I think a lot of people have some celebrities that they find good-looking, and they might call it a crush, but they really don't think about those people often at all. For them it's not at all like the obsession that you describe.

I'm happy to try to discuss this more if it helps.

Original poster
CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 07:31

Thank you for the replies.

He's coming over this evening. I'm going to speak with him about it although I have no idea where to start and what to say.

OP posts:
aurynne · 16/12/2022 08:04

@CastIronFire , your autism is affecting your ability to understand this. I am on the spectrum too. Sometimes you have to just accept other people are different, feel differently, act differently to you. You need to accept that you will not always fully understand why. But that sometimes you have to live with life as it is, not as you think it should be.

Once you accept this, life becomes easier.

I, for instance, can be in love with one person but still find others attractive. I can have a partner and still have sex with another person I fancy sexually (if my partner agrees on an open relationship). I am able to separate sex and love. I am different to you, there is nothing wrong in how you are or in how I am, neither of us is "right" or "wrong". We are just different.

The majority of people can be in a couple but still fancy other people. It does not mean they don't fancy or love you. It does not mean they prefer that other people. If they choose to be with you, it's because they love you.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/12/2022 08:50

@CastIronFire I think it's a good idea to try to talk things through with him and see if you two can still find a way for this relationship to work well for you. You always have the option of ending the relationship in the future if you choose to, but it's worth trying to see if it can be worked on.

I would say to him something like:

"I've been struggling with the idea that you still find some other women attractive. I understand that most people are still attracted to others even while in a relationship, but it's not like that for me. I know you might see a crush as harmless or meaningless, but I think it's best if you don't mention anything else to me about finding other women attractive, if that's OK. Also, I've heard that some people think about someone else while having sex; I really hope that you can reassure me that you don't do that, and that you really want to be with me when you're with me."

How does that sound? Some of it might not sound like the way you'd prefer to say it, but I thought I would try making a suggestion and you're welcome to ask for ideas to say some of it differently if you like.

Original poster
CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 12:55

I think I just need to know from him what he thinks. I need him to he honest and then I can process that and know what I'm dealing with.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet about the relationship but if I feel he's not been honest with me, that'll he the end of it because not only will I still not know but I'll also know he can lie to me.

I need people to he honest. It doesn't matter if it something I don't particularly want to hear, if it's the truth at least I can process it.

It's the uncertainty and not having a way to manage my thoughts and feelings that is a bigger problem. It's very destabilising.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 12:58

I don't want reassurances.

In my experience, that means people saying what they think someone else wants to hear or something to make them feel better.

I want the truth. If that is reassuring, so be it. If not, so be it.

OP posts:
DuchessDandelion · 16/12/2022 13:09

@CastIronFire well then, you're going to have to talk to him. And give him a chance to consider his answers - not so he can lie, but because your brains work in very different ways and it isn't easy to put into words your feelings and thoughts so they're not misunderstood.

Merlott · 16/12/2022 13:14

OP in the nicest possible way, your thoughts sound obsessional and repetitive. Ok you have ASD diagnosis, but what help have you had for anxiety/OCD?

AlisonDonut · 16/12/2022 13:39

I've watched this and the other thread and absolutely no idea what the problem is apart from ok, you don't fancy celebrities and you can't understand others that do. If it helps in the 19 years myself and my partner have been together we've never, ever had a conversation like this.

What does it matter if he did ever find another woman attractive? It's like you want to control what is in his head and that's the kiss of death to any relationship.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/12/2022 13:45

@CastIronFire Sure, it's totally understandable that you want complete honesty and not reassurances. I'm a big fan of complete honesty too. If you're concerned about whether you'll be able to ask the questions that you need to ask, maybe you could trying writing a list of questions beforehand?

Some other commenters seem to keep thinking that OP doesn't understand that a lot of other people are different. I think OP does understand this, and she accepts that this is how the world is - she just isn't sure if she wants a relationship at all, if this is going to be part of it. That's her choice to make. This kind of thing might not be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, but OP gets to decide on her own dealbreakers just like we all do.

YesNoYesNoYesNoYesMaybe · 16/12/2022 15:13

"I feel like I'm intruding or interrupting his thoughts about someone else if I contact him."

So what? You're allowed to intrude and interrupt.

FWIW I don't really fancy celebrities. There's perhaps one male character in a show that I quite like in a way, his character and how he acts.... but I've seen his 'actor' speak in a video and I don't fancy him at all (how he dresses, how he talks).

Original poster
CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 15:58

DuchessDandelion · 16/12/2022 13:09

@CastIronFire well then, you're going to have to talk to him. And give him a chance to consider his answers - not so he can lie, but because your brains work in very different ways and it isn't easy to put into words your feelings and thoughts so they're not misunderstood.

What makes you think I wouldn't. Of course I'd give him time to consider his answers. I'd rather have a considered, honest answer than a knee jerk lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 15:59

YesNoYesNoYesNoYesMaybe · 16/12/2022 15:13

"I feel like I'm intruding or interrupting his thoughts about someone else if I contact him."

So what? You're allowed to intrude and interrupt.

FWIW I don't really fancy celebrities. There's perhaps one male character in a show that I quite like in a way, his character and how he acts.... but I've seen his 'actor' speak in a video and I don't fancy him at all (how he dresses, how he talks).

I don't want to interrupt him if he's thinking about someone else. Especially if that includes negative or wishful thinking about me. I don't want to he in his headspadw at the same time as someone else and I wouldn't want him to feel negatively towards me if I interrupted him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 16:00

I think OP does understand this, and she accepts that this is how the world is - she just isn't sure if she wants a relationship at all, if this is going to be part of it.

Thank you. That is exactly it.

I just need to know where he stands on it so that I can make a decision for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 16:04

AlisonDonut · 16/12/2022 13:39

I've watched this and the other thread and absolutely no idea what the problem is apart from ok, you don't fancy celebrities and you can't understand others that do. If it helps in the 19 years myself and my partner have been together we've never, ever had a conversation like this.

What does it matter if he did ever find another woman attractive? It's like you want to control what is in his head and that's the kiss of death to any relationship.

No, it's not like that at all. I don't want to 'control' anything other than whether I am in a relationship or not.

I'm not going to explain it again. If you don't understand, that's fine. Yet you expect me to understand what everyone else is saying.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/12/2022 16:50

I hope the talking goes well this evening. Hopefully it will be good news, but either way it sounds useful to get a better idea of where he stands on this.

DuchessDandelion · 16/12/2022 17:22

CastIronFire · 16/12/2022 15:58

What makes you think I wouldn't. Of course I'd give him time to consider his answers. I'd rather have a considered, honest answer than a knee jerk lie.

Show quote history

I wasn't prejudging you. Many people wouldn't give their partner time - it was general advice, not a personal attack on you.

QueefQueen80s · 17/12/2022 13:12

MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/12/2022 13:45

@CastIronFire Sure, it's totally understandable that you want complete honesty and not reassurances. I'm a big fan of complete honesty too. If you're concerned about whether you'll be able to ask the questions that you need to ask, maybe you could trying writing a list of questions beforehand?

Some other commenters seem to keep thinking that OP doesn't understand that a lot of other people are different. I think OP does understand this, and she accepts that this is how the world is - she just isn't sure if she wants a relationship at all, if this is going to be part of it. That's her choice to make. This kind of thing might not be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, but OP gets to decide on her own dealbreakers just like we all do.

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

MoonbeamsGlittering · 18/12/2022 13:36

@CastIronFire Do you feel like giving an update on how the talking went? If you don't feel like it then that's totally fair enough, of course, but if you do feel like it then I'd be interested to hear. Hope you're happy with how it turned out, either way.

Original poster
CastIronFire · 22/12/2022 15:56

@MoonbeamsGlittering

We spoke. Well I spoke and he listened. He didn't say much. He's not going to lie to me so he didn't say anything.

All he did say was that looks weren't everything. He said he was attracted to me initially because of what I looked like but how he feels about me now means that looks are unimportant.

I've spent nearly a week now trying to be ok with it. Trying to rationalise it. Trying to reassure myself that it means nothing and everything is OK.

But it's not made any difference to how I feel about it.

Last night, we went out to a local pub for a bit. There was a band on. There were several women there who were very attractive, with nice figures and who had dressed to show them off, which is understandable. If i had a nice figure, id wear nice dresses. I tried to be ok with it but I wasn't. In the end, I went outside to have a cigarette. I stayed out for ages. I went for a walk down to the local shop, came back and sat outside the pub. Went in, wandered around, went to the loo. And, when I felt able to go back to him, I couldn't even look at him. I just feel like a fraud.

We're supposed to be going out with some of his friends tonight and I've spent all day thinking up reasons to not go. I've cancelled the last couple of occasions we've been supposed to go out with his friends because of this.

He went out first thing this morning to spend the day with family. He messaged me 2 hours ago to tell me he was back at his and had to wash up before he came over and would let me know when he was leaving. It doesn't take two hours to wash up a couple of mugs and the plate he'd left when he came to mine.

He's spent the week with me and, whilst I understand he might just want a bit of time to himself, I also can't help but be reminded of the ex who left mine after a week's holiday to watch a film with his favourite actress in because he missed her.

I don't want him to come back today and I don't want to go out tonight.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 22/12/2022 16:08

@CastIronFire Sorry to hear that it doesn't seem to have helped. His response sounds different from how you described him talking to you at other times - it sounded like he used to give you compliments about your looks as well as other things. Did his talking seem quite different this time to you? I guess I don't know how you phrased your questions (or statements) to him. If he's spent the week with you, has he asked you again whether you're feeling any better about these issues? Do you think he can tell that you're not feeling good about it?

Original poster
CastIronFire · 22/12/2022 16:16

MoonbeamsGlittering · 22/12/2022 16:08

@CastIronFire Sorry to hear that it doesn't seem to have helped. His response sounds different from how you described him talking to you at other times - it sounded like he used to give you compliments about your looks as well as other things. Did his talking seem quite different this time to you? I guess I don't know how you phrased your questions (or statements) to him. If he's spent the week with you, has he asked you again whether you're feeling any better about these issues? Do you think he can tell that you're not feeling good about it?

He has been no different compliment wise. That's just all he said specifically regarding this. He's been lovely to me all week. I think he meant that the basis of the relationship is more than looks.

We've had sex a few times. It's been good. He's lovely but I just feel ugly and sad afterwards.

He did say that he doesn't think about anyone else but the thought keeps.coming into my head and puts me off and I just feel sad.

He hasn't said anything else no. He knows I'm struggling but I think he is waiting for me to talk about it if I want to. I don't think he wants to bring it up unless I'm ready. I don't think he really knows what to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastIronFire · 22/12/2022 16:19

He did say he knew there was something very wrong and he didn't know what to do. Whether he should try and talk to me or leave me to work it through on my own.

He said he was worried I was going to end it. I don't think he wants to make it worse.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 22/12/2022 16:46

It sounds like he did actually say some reassuring and positive things then. Are there other things that you're hoping he'll do that might make you feel better? Or do you think there's nothing else that he could say or do that would help?

It is your decision whether to stay in the relationship, of course. I think some posters here are worried that you would regret it later if you ended this relationship because of this, because he does seem like a good guy and things might not seem better in any other relationship. I know you're saying that you feel like you might not want to be in any relationship ever again when you think about these issues, but I do think it might be a good idea to try giving it a bit more time and try to come up with any other ideas that might help, so that you don't start thinking "what if I tried such-and-such?" afterwards.

Would it help if he stayed more by your side and paid you more attention and compliments when you are out with him? I remember once my girlfriend (now wife) came to my work drinks and was taken aback by how many women I worked with and perhaps she was worried that some of them were good-looking, but I made it very clear that I didn't want to be with them, I wanted to be with her, and maybe that helped.