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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce and dog

95 replies

Lunamom · 13/12/2022 22:12

I left my abusive husband 5 months ago. We lived on a farm , i worked from Home.
Since Then, i moved to rented flat, unemployed (worked for him) 2 teenagers with me.
We had a 1 year Old labrador. As i was The one ruining the Family, i brought the dog. We all love her. Good as Gold.
She is not coping. Today she bit my daughter, in unprovoked play, she bled. (English is not my language)
I wont keep her. I did not want her in flat. But could not say no to kids. But this changes everything.
Kids hate me. I found a place for her. A farm . People work from Home. They Hunt (she love that)
Im sure this is the life for her. Not a flat.
But kids hate me.
Tell me please they Will cope. I broke the Family and now i take their dog 😖

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamom · 13/12/2022 22:28

I feel so bad..

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamom · 14/12/2022 09:38

Anyone? We woke up today, kids crying, me feeling so guilty...

OP posts:
amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 14/12/2022 09:50

Oh OP :( this makes my heart hurt from one dog lover to another.

Firstly, you did NOT break the family. Your ex did. I have no words of advice in terms of speaking to the kids about the dog, but I want you to know that they will completely understand when they are a little older.

I'm so sorry you're going through this as a family. You sound like a wonderful mum Flowers

Ohdearnotagain76 · 14/12/2022 09:53

First of all you’ve done nothing wrong, you didn’t break the family, the family dynamics changed. Your doing the right thing for the dog, the dog has had so much going on and probably needs space to run around outside. Your kids are still hurting from the split and still adjusting. It will take time but your doing the right thing, and by the sounds of it you’ve found the dog a lovely new home rather than put it to sleep

Hoppinggreen · 14/12/2022 09:53

You did not break the family
I am not sure how old the children are so they may not understand but the dog is not happy. It sounds like you have found a lovely home for her and it would be selfish not to send her there. You are doing the right thing for your dog

panko · 14/12/2022 09:55

It's hard isn't it. Some times what is in their best interest is not what they wanted. Keep on putting their best interest first and they will understand when they are older

Original poster
Lunamom · 14/12/2022 10:35

Thanks all of you. I feel so low - my youngest just turned 14 and has taken divorce really bad and now this. She absolutely love the dog, walk with her several times a day, play, they sleep together.
I know it is the right thing for the dog. But it is so hard to see my children so sad again..

OP posts:
Florawest · 14/12/2022 10:51

Sorry to hear about all you are trying to cope with.
could ye visit the dog once a week and your children take it for a good walk then ?
Would there be an animal shelter near you, that your children could help out for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday and maybe yourself too, it might be a nice way to reconnect with the kids and they might be able to see you are doing the best you can with your present situation.

Sending you hugs and best wishes for a better future, but we’ll done on getting out from your abusive ex.
😘

RoyFuckingKent · 14/12/2022 11:00

When I was about 8 our family had a beautiful German Shepherd who I adored. Like your Lab he needed exercise and fresh air and this wasn't a problem as my parents shifts meant he was always out and about. Until my Dad was made redundant and it meant he'd need to be alone all day.

When it became clear he wasn't coping they rehomed him with a lovely man who'd not long lost his own dog. He was the local butcher, with a small holding and acres of room. The man called my Mum monthly and updated on his progress. He led his best life.

How you handle this matters though. My parents did not handle it well. Rather than giving me the opportunity to understand their decision, they told me he'd been ill and put to sleep. I came home from school and he was gone.
It was only some years later I discovered the truth when I found a photo of him the man had sent to Mum. Suddenly lots of teary phone calls made sense.
I think I was angrier about the lie than I could ever have been about him going to a better home.

Speak to the children, give them the opportunity to understand. Could they visit the potential new home?
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Lunamom · 14/12/2022 11:11

Thanks again.. the new Home is 2 hours away and i dont have a car anymore. But i Will get Updates and pictures.
I have talked with the kids. Intellectuelly, they both understand, even though they both say "i Will walk with her more" and emotionally they are so sad.
And because i Said to Them at the time of divorce - that bringing the dog was not my wish, as i really didnt want a dog in a second floor appartement, so they really needed to take responsibility to walk her - they now also Think (particularly the 14 year Old) that it is her fault for not doing enough and "you never wanted her anyway" so she blame both herself and me.
Today she is closed and wont talk about it. Will try again later.
I hope they Can understand that no amount of walking around in a city on a leach (?) Will ever be good enough for the dog, no matter how much they want her..
damn divorce! We lost so much , our lovely farm, other animals, my job, my car, they had to change schools, lost friends, money, and now this. I knew it was a bad idea to take her, i just could not say no at the time 😞

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:12

I can’t believe your lease agreement even permits a large dog!

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:12

I’m in a flat, ground floor, the thought of a dog in the flat above me? No thanks and thankfully forbidden in lease

Floralnomad · 14/12/2022 11:17

Do your children still see their dad and can’t the dog go back to him . Where did you find this new home ? Perhaps the children would understand it more if you surrendered the dog to a rescue as then any new owners will have been checked out .

Original poster
Lunamom · 14/12/2022 11:19

Its a private lease and she is registred with chip number to the flat. A shop is downstairs.
I did Call their dad and he Said no right away. He hates me and this was our first conversation since september. Took under 2 minuts.

OP posts:
AdobeWanKenobi · 14/12/2022 11:21

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:12

I’m in a flat, ground floor, the thought of a dog in the flat above me? No thanks and thankfully forbidden in lease

Morning @Goodgrief82 chipper as usual then?

Original poster
Lunamom · 14/12/2022 11:23

The new Home is my friends ex husband. My friend had my dog for a week while we were on holiday, and she took my dog to his Home for a visit. When we came back, she Said he loved our dog and if we ever mot wanted her, he would. So i called her, and he is driving up here on sunday.
She has a Nice relationship with her ex, he also look after her dog, when she is away so she obviously trust him. And i trust her.

OP posts:
Unbridezilla · 14/12/2022 11:24

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:12

I’m in a flat, ground floor, the thought of a dog in the flat above me? No thanks and thankfully forbidden in lease

And so, if you ever need to move to a different flat you can check the lease terms and pick something that also doesn't allow dogs. Not really sure what you not wanting to live below a dog has to the OP's situation though.

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:24

AdobeWanKenobi · 14/12/2022 11:21

Morning @Goodgrief82 chipper as usual then?

Show quote history

Always 😂

ErrolTheDragon · 14/12/2022 11:28

I doubt your kids hate you - they hate the situation which is not your fault. You are not 'The one ruining the Family', your husband (ex I hope, or soon to be ex) broke your family.

You're doing your best in difficult circumstances.

Please stop blaming yourself. You've found a really good new home for your dog. Maybe you need to be a bit more assertive with your kids and not let yourself be some sort of emotional punchbag?

Hoppinggreen · 14/12/2022 11:29

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:12

I’m in a flat, ground floor, the thought of a dog in the flat above me? No thanks and thankfully forbidden in lease

Helpful, well done

SinnerBoy · 14/12/2022 11:29

RoyFuckingKent · Today 11:00

When I was about 8 our family had a beautiful German Shepherd who I adored.

Blimey, it's usually the other way round! "Sorry, she had to go and live on a farm," when she'd been put down.

Original poster
Lunamom · 14/12/2022 11:36

ErrolTheDragon - you are right. I am. Dont know how to stop - i was the one leaving. They love their dad. That life. Huge huge House, acres of land, Big pool, mom always home, lots of animals, lots of money, holidays.
Now i am unemployed in a flat. (So still at home😂) they blame me. And as i wont speak bad about their dad, i just take the anger, the tantrums, the blame.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 14/12/2022 11:42

It was silly to take the dog in the first place. Dogs don’t belong in flats, especially ones that lived on a farm.

She has bitten a child, so instead of going to a farm, she needs to be put down. The situation is not an excuse. She is dangerous.

ErrolTheDragon · 14/12/2022 11:49

@Lunamom - you might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships board, more likely to get helpful advice there. If you want to do this, you can use the report button on your first post to contact them.
I'm afraid AIBU attracts posts from people who just want to criticise rather than help someone in a difficult situation. Try to ignore them.

Original poster
Lunamom · 14/12/2022 11:58

Thanks i Will.
And let me just say - she bit as part of play, she was not aggressive at all, just "worked up" and she is absolutely not dangerous.

OP posts: