I am fucking livid

[Workinghardeveryday]

My lovely nephew has been coming for tea once a week for the last few weeks. He is 8, loves coming here and we love to have him.

A family member told me yesterday my other nephew (his younger brother), was really poorly, had been for a week. Hot, twisty, not eating, clingy etc.

Dp rang mil last night to see how nephew was. Told he is much better. Nephew coming for tea today has been fine, he is okay, so looking forward to coming, would be so upset not to come.

We really needed to know how both kids are, given covid, strep and other illnesses as I am immune suppressed. Also I don’t want the kids to be ill, especially with Christmas around the corner.

nephew came for 3 hours, played with my kids, had tea. Didn’t eat as much as normal. Told me he had diarrhoea yesterday and was sick the day before. He looked washed out so I took his temperature. 38.6.

I am fuming!! Fuming mil blatantly lied so he could come here (he was sick at her house). That they sent him to school yesterday and today when infectious.

Obviously his happiness coming here trumps our health.

wtaf.

Yeah 4 year olds are fun, ours managed to have the teacher very worried him and his siblings 'slept cuddled together on the floor' lol.

Turn out he was trying to explain that they all switched beds (so his sibling was in his old toddler bed and he was getting a big boy bed not that they all slept 'together' in the same 'bed') and the floor thing (on a mattress) was just for a few nights while we waited for the one new bed to arrive due to a delay in delivery and it was all over 6 months ago.

@Workinghardeveryday I would do it.
Fuck them. They've put your kids at risk when they absolutely know there is strep A/SF doing the rounds.
MIL and SIL can spend their Christmas together and hopefully leave you in peace

Most of our friends who are doctors don’t have thermometers either

How on earth would you even know that

You can tell by touch if a child has a fever the majority of the time, a thermometer is useful though to check the parameters and whether its going up or coming back down. Not essential of course, and the reliability of some home thermometers is questionable, but all of the HCPs I work with have them at home- seems weird to suggest none do, I suspect it's pretty even in reality.

I wouldn't lie to MIL that you have fallen ill. That's the wrong way to go.

It also won't work since she will convince herself that you could have caught it from anyone, it probably wasn't from DNephew, and it's a good thing she sent him since you would have been ill anyway and he would have missed out for no reason. It's incredible the way the mind can twist things to avoid feeling guilty!

Your aim should be for her to understand the gravity of her actions and not do it again. The only way to do that is for her to feel the consequence herself.

I'd refuse DNephew next week, and tell MIL completely factually that it is because she lied to you last week. Given that you are immunosuppressed, you catch illnesses easily. You try to balance the risk against still doing fun things. But since she lied, you can't trust her not to be lying again. And you're not willing to miss Christmas with your family due to her lies.

Short words and sentences. Use the word 'lies' lots. Any argument she tries, you repeat 'but you lied to me last week, and I can't trust you not to be lying to me again. I' m not willing to risk being ill'

She will get upset, but hopefully will never pull a stunt like this again. (do get your DH on board for this approach first - it's fairly nuclear!)

Shame for your DNephew, but that's on your MIL, not you. You are doing what is necessary.

And I really hope you and your kids don't get ill.

I would be fuming too. It's the height of stupidity and/or selfishness to send a sick child to play in someone else's home, notwithstanding the issue with compromised immune system.

Similar has happened to us. We had family coming to stay from abroad a few years back. They didn't tell us they had caught a virus in the house where they were already staying and arrived coughing and the youngest child with a fever. They could have stayed where they were, with the people who already had it, but that would have spoiled their holiday. DS1 caught it. He was extremely ill and ended up on antibiotics. DP caught it and ended up in hospital for two weeks with an escalation of his asthma, AF and pericarditis. So no, I don't have ANY time for people who knowingly bring their illnesses to my door.

Knowledge is power OP.

Unfortunately you now know that your health and that of your family is not respected by your MIL and she will lie if it suits her.

You can't change other people but you can protect yourself and your family.

Sending a sick child to you is dreadful, for the child and your family.

Should you become unwell see this as an opportunity to have a commitment free Christmas.

Over 43! My son gets v hot when he's sick but never that febrile. Poor lad. What was wrong with him?

I don't know why you're getting backlash on here, it was awful to send him round when you're immunocompromised. But considering how ghastly your in laws sound, it's lovely for your nephew to get a little respite at your home

Terrible of Mil tbh, She would have had a mouthful off me.
I am with you on the thermomitor front- My Dd was blue lighted too, she had a fiberal fit that came on within 2hrs of a normal temp, a little off dinner was only symptom.
Her temp was 40.3 when the paramedics arrived, imo , anyone who doesnt have a thermomitor with kids , is irresponsible- Ive always had one for my DC and the DC who had the fit has often been unwell - So I was v.much aware of how she is and has been before, doesnt mean I knew her temp had spiked dangerously in tjose 2hrs.

I'm infuriated on your behalf! Raging at all the other stories from PP too about people sending their kid to school with sickness bugs etc.

Happily making everyone's life miserable, only caring about themselves. Utter selfishness! Take some responsibility for your kids people, for goodness sake.

They don’t know, never owned a thermometer! How can you have kids and not have one?

I have 2 children (13 and 23) and only got a thermometer in the last couple of years.
Both children have fought infection with very high, but short lived fevers. I could tell they had a temp just by touching them. They slept, one had a night of being delirious in between calpol/ibuprofen doses, and then the temp came right down and they were on the mend.
None of us have any underlying conditions.
I just never needed one, until DS2 started getting repeated ear infections and it was useful to catch early.

Obviously this is entirely different to the situation you're describing, but I just wanted to say that not owning a thermometer hasn't been an issue for us (or those around us).

Lol no, I don’t take a temperature unless they are poorly.

it was summer 2021 I think. He was tired and felt sickly one night so took it and it was up. Took it again later and higher. Took it in the night and over 40.

Took it in the morning and it was 43. He seemed okay. Sat watching tv in the living room. Paramedic couldn’t believe it either. 3 lots of thermometers all said 43.

Do they know you are immuno-supressed?
Otherwise, you are overreacting. Not everyone is germofobic or has health anxiety, and the kids would probably be sick with something else this time of year, given their age, and after 2.5 years of living in a sterile environment. Millions of other people were not bluelighted with temperature of 40 or 41.
Seek treatment for your anxiety. Kids are sick with stuff like that non-stop. Probably protects them from more serious illnesses. But health anxiety and having it encouraged as is happening on here does serious harm.
You should not be taking the temperature of a child that's not yours. Really controlling.
And you yourself said he was okay.
Of course, if they knew you have issues with your immune system, then that's different, for your particular circumstances.

Otherwise, you are overreacting. Not everyone is germofobic or has health anxiety

Show me one person who would gladly welcome a child who has vomited and had diarrhoea the previous day into their home.

Exactly!

It is appalling how some people simply don't care about who they or their DC spread infections to. Because of people's behaviour it makes people immunosuppressed, like yourself, be in a higher state of alert all the time. This puts you through more anxiety. It's probably why you cling onto a thermometer as being so vital, when others don't.
It just occured to me that I've never owned a thermometer, yet I'm a single parent and a health professional. I take patients temperature multiple times a day at work. I think we've established that measurement of 1 parameter proves nothing and holistic observation tells more. Bit of a faux pas to say that people who don't own thermometers are thick. That having one gives you needed reassurance is fine, but you derailed the main point of your own thread unwittingly by your other comment.
All you can do is try to educate people hope they change their ways. But there will always be some who are of the opinion that what makes their life easier trumps others welfare sadly.

I'm sure they took my temperature in hospital, I mean my parents recognised I was so ill that I needed to be in hospital without needing a thermometer. I can guarantee that when I was a child thermometers weren't something used in the ear that beeped.

The use of a thermometer in hospital is a different matter for various reasons, they don't know the child (or adult) as well as the normal carers, they are looking after several people, they need to document what they are doing to leave a trail as there are shift changes. It isn't at all the same as a parent being able to put their hand on their own child and think this isn't right.

YANBU about MIL not telling you, YABU to get het up about thermometers

I've got one but I don't really trust it and DC always wiggle about when I use it. I go by whether they feel hot. If they seemed really hot and calpol wasn't bringing it down, I'd seek help.

They’ve behaved very badly, I’d be pissed off too.

I don’t own a thermometer either though, I can feel with my hands if my child has a temperature. I don’t need to know to the exact degree, I can tell if they are poorly or not. I’m sure I’d feel differently if I had a child with specific health issues, but that’s a situation that’s not relevant to everyone.

Excellent advice. Yes it is a bit of a nuclear option, but her feelings are considerably less important than your health. It has to be hammered into her that lies will backfire onto her.

43 degrees - your son's body would have been starting to shut down, hence the blue lights etc (and possibly the staring at a screen).

I'm immune-suppressed. A lot of people out there in the real world don't really know or appreciate what it means, I've come to realise. I say things like 'I have a weak immune system' but I suspect all they hear is 'I'm pretending I'm special because I'm a fusspot'.

OTOH social isolation has been very damaging for my mental health and I'm pretty sure my immune system needs some contact with the germy world now and again.

But the main thing is: yes, the lying from MiL was absolutely not on.

Panko

LlareggubTripAdviser
Why are you speaking to MIL about her GRANDSON and not his parents ???

Very presumptuous of you.**

Why on Earth is this 'presumption' ?

The child has parents.. yet ALL the negative posts are aimed at the MIL (surprise surprise) .. The responsibility here is theirs ...

It sounds like the child has been farmed out to relatives with the parents completely absenting themselves from any kind of responsibility.

Yes the MIL shouldn't have lied, clearly . However I would guess she is at her wits end doing so much childcare long after her children are grown - and that this is the real issue that needs addressing ..

I also do not think that the OP saying that her SIL can't be fucked with parenting has is not necessarily ' judgmental' - a very unpopular view on MN that a parent can just be completely crap and self absorbed. It does actually happen !!

You only have to read a handful of posts on here from now adult children telling their stories of traumatic childhoods with such people.

I take OPs post at face value when she says the SIL is lazy... and if this is the case the rest of the family need to address this, instead of enabling it.. where is the Bil/Fil in all this drama ? Or is the responsibility for children now only 'women work' ?

My DC used to get temps over 40 (according to the thermometer) but you can tell without it whether you need to phone ambulance even not as a doctor. If they can complain/chat/sit and watch TV/eat/drink then they are fine and the body is fighting the infection. I would feel for the person who could have been in that ambulance instead....I know a digression from the point of you post which whilst I think you are OTT, I can understand your frustration

“Otherwise, you are overreacting. Not everyone is germofobic or has health anxiety”

I don’t think it’s overreacting. It’s just common courtesy. I’ve family and friends who would definitely mention child being sick, under the weather before coming over .
Maybe health anxiety is about more so now because getting treatment/ antibiotics can be like a lottery .
I had nephew at weekend who had been down with a sore throat and bit of a cough I was told by both mum and dad before I had him . I would not of had him if he was being sick and his brother had been Poorly.
After Ds had fiberal fit I purchased thermometer and have always been asked his temp In past whenever it’s Gp, 111 or hospital. Wouldn’t know it by touch . I was shocked once with Dd took her to walk in with side stomach pain her temp was 38.4 she wasn’t that hot to touch and was otherwise ok . So personally I couldn’t go just off touch .