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Original poster

I am fucking livid

105 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 13/12/2022 21:11

My lovely nephew has been coming for tea once a week for the last few weeks. He is 8, loves coming here and we love to have him.

A family member told me yesterday my other nephew (his younger brother), was really poorly, had been for a week. Hot, twisty, not eating, clingy etc.

Dp rang mil last night to see how nephew was. Told he is much better. Nephew coming for tea today has been fine, he is okay, so looking forward to coming, would be so upset not to come.

We really needed to know how both kids are, given covid, strep and other illnesses as I am immune suppressed. Also I don’t want the kids to be ill, especially with Christmas around the corner.

nephew came for 3 hours, played with my kids, had tea. Didn’t eat as much as normal. Told me he had diarrhoea yesterday and was sick the day before. He looked washed out so I took his temperature. 38.6.

I am fuming!! Fuming mil blatantly lied so he could come here (he was sick at her house). That they sent him to school yesterday and today when infectious.

Obviously his happiness coming here trumps our health.

wtaf.

OP posts:
MyDogStoodOnABee · 14/12/2022 08:01

Watapalava · 13/12/2022 22:53

I’ve got 3 kids 15-18 and have never once taken their temp

even doctors tell you to go by ‘hot to touch’

you sound really dramatic

You sound like Marie Barone 😂

ShimmeringShirts · 14/12/2022 08:04

DS was in hospital over the weekend with strep A (that’s tonsillitis btw). He had a temp of 40 and refused to take any kind of medicine, I panicked, NHS24 followed their check list and sent him to A&E. Two doctors there both said the same, a temp of 40 isn’t actually dangerous. It only becomes dangerous when sustained over a prolonged period, if the person has a seizure or if the person becomes so lethargic they can’t wake to an alert stage. I was told to stop taking his temp every half hour and just keep an eye on how hot he was to touch, ensure he got plenty of fluids and if he deteriorated then to take him back. They discharged him when his temp was still up at 39.8.

Calling anyone thick for not owning a thermometer shows how unintelligent you are really. I get you’re pissed that you all might get sick now but that’s life. There’s no need to start belittling anyone’s intelligence. Bugs and germs don’t factor highly into your in laws considerations and you’re not a direct member of their family so they don’t really factor your illness into things. Again, that’s life.

MulderSmoulder · 14/12/2022 08:15

Dontjustrelyonthermometers · 14/12/2022 07:33

Another one who is maybe missing point of thread ! I am a paediatrician and don’t have a thermometer. I do not have anyone immunosuppressed in my family and I can tell when one of my children has a fever. More important is to look at other features like fast heart rate, cold hands, work of breathing, not eating / drinking , not wetting nappies or waking for feeds. Most of our friends who are doctors don’t have thermometers either !

Though would still have been abit cross about lack of communication regarding unwell child coming to visit.

on another note do check with your clinician regarding how much you can go out and about just to check you are not being over cautious. I just know with a lot of my patients it is taking some getting used to going back to school etc following all the Covid immunosuppression rules as I work with immunosuppressed kids

So as a doctor you are obviously very aware of other signs to look out for. For most non-medical parents a thermometer provides an objective indication of how unwell a child is. And every GP/111 call has always asked if I’ve taken their temp so must be useful for something.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 14/12/2022 08:15

GreyCarpet · 14/12/2022 04:42

What they did was appalling, esp given your health condition, but my child are 17 and 24 and I've not taken their temperatures since they were small babies.

Hot to touch - drink water and take paracetamol.

Hot to touch and floppiness - I'd take to A&E myself.

Never known anyone be 'blue lighted' (i need to remember that phrase the next time there's a 'phrase on mn that you hate' thread!) due to temperature alone - there are other symptoms if it's that bad. One of my children was hospitalised at 15 months for a high temp that I'd identified the seriousness of by touch and common sense. I drove him to A&E myself.

Yup, I’ve managed to get mine into their 20s without a thermometer…I;ve nothing against thermometer ps, just never got round to remember get one.

Candleabra · 14/12/2022 08:33

Temp of over 43 and he didn’t appear that ill? That is incredibly high.The thermometer was wrong. I think you’re being dramatic here.

YANBU about the ill nephew coming over. Very selfish behaviour. I’d be annoyed too (immunosuppressed or not).

heartbroken22 · 14/12/2022 08:40

You've really put me off describing someone's house as totally minging and that your SIL hands her son over to MIL because she can't be bothered. Maybe be less judgemental and stop acting holier than thou. What if your sister in law has mental health issues. But of course that would be something you'd say she's lying about. Get a grip.

DisneyPrincesss · 14/12/2022 08:41

MyDogStoodOnABee · 14/12/2022 08:01

You sound like Marie Barone 😂

Show quote history

😅😅😅

Good old Marie.

Tirrrrred · 14/12/2022 08:48

The MIL probably wanted some time without having her grandkids. She still shouldn't have lied and told her daughter / son to collect them.

bibetyboo · 14/12/2022 08:49

GreyCarpet · 14/12/2022 04:42

What they did was appalling, esp given your health condition, but my child are 17 and 24 and I've not taken their temperatures since they were small babies.

Hot to touch - drink water and take paracetamol.

Hot to touch and floppiness - I'd take to A&E myself.

Never known anyone be 'blue lighted' (i need to remember that phrase the next time there's a 'phrase on mn that you hate' thread!) due to temperature alone - there are other symptoms if it's that bad. One of my children was hospitalised at 15 months for a high temp that I'd identified the seriousness of by touch and common sense. I drove him to A&E myself.

Agree. Temperature alone is just contextual. DD was bright red and roasting with Covid. But she was alert with plenty of wet nappies. If she had a normal temp but was dry and floppy, she'd be straight to A&E.

Tirrrrred · 14/12/2022 08:50

How come he's only home for tea 3 nights a week? Is the mum struggling? Is that why they didn't want to tell you?

PurplePixies · 14/12/2022 08:55

heartbroken22 · 14/12/2022 08:40

You've really put me off describing someone's house as totally minging and that your SIL hands her son over to MIL because she can't be bothered. Maybe be less judgemental and stop acting holier than thou. What if your sister in law has mental health issues. But of course that would be something you'd say she's lying about. Get a grip.

Why are you so desperate to not believe the OP and quick to make excuses for a third party she’s clearly annoyed with?

You don’t know either of them in real life so why is it more important for you to post your disdain than give the OP some support?

Plenty of lazy parents who can’t be arsed to clean and tidy up. That’s nothing new.

Being lazy isn’t a mental health issue, it’s a “too idle to give a fuck” issue.

lechatnoir · 14/12/2022 09:01

It sounds like MIL is desperate for the break but it doesn't excuse lying to you or covering up illness when you are immune compromised. However, I think your DH is right, she just doesn't get it but it's up to him to make sure she does - by telephone or in person to make sure this doesn't happen again. Is your DH around when nephew comes over? Could he take him out for a few hours instead so MIL gets a break and you don't get exposed.

Oh, and I don't own a thermometer either and teenage DC have survived so far

User359472111111 · 14/12/2022 09:12

Dontjustrelyonthermometers · 14/12/2022 07:33

Another one who is maybe missing point of thread ! I am a paediatrician and don’t have a thermometer. I do not have anyone immunosuppressed in my family and I can tell when one of my children has a fever. More important is to look at other features like fast heart rate, cold hands, work of breathing, not eating / drinking , not wetting nappies or waking for feeds. Most of our friends who are doctors don’t have thermometers either !

Though would still have been abit cross about lack of communication regarding unwell child coming to visit.

on another note do check with your clinician regarding how much you can go out and about just to check you are not being over cautious. I just know with a lot of my patients it is taking some getting used to going back to school etc following all the Covid immunosuppression rules as I work with immunosuppressed kids

Well this is fascinating @Dontjustrelyonthermometers, then why does every doctor (paed, EM, GP) who has ever seen my child asked for their temperature? I actually haven’t always taken it when he’s obviously poorly. And why when he is admitted do they want to wake him up every hour or so to take his temperature?

Vohgue · 14/12/2022 09:16

I had an A&E nurse give me a good telling off for not knowing my child's temperature (thermometer out of batteries at the time). Having said that my mother was a doctor and never took my temperature (and also generally downplayed any illness I had and often sent me to school unwell).

I'd be cross that mil said nothing op.

ancientgran · 14/12/2022 09:19

Workinghardeveryday · 13/12/2022 22:26

Mil has older nephew every weekend and picks him up from school and drops at sil. She had him from Thursday because younger nephew is poorly.

I am angry at both but mil for lying about him being fine, then asked about it played it down.

Personally I do not know how anyone can get through having young kids without a thermometer. Yeah they may feel hot - but how hot. How do you know how poorly they are without one? My dd11 was blue lighted with temp in the 40’s not long ago. How would I possibly have known how bad it was without a thermometer?

I've managed to bring up 4 without ever using a thermometer. I was brought up in a family with no thermometer, as a toddler I even got blue lighted to hospital without the use of a thermometer. My granny brought up 12 without a thermometer.

It is possible.

Blocked · 14/12/2022 09:22

Your MIL sounds at her wits end with your SIL and basically rearing a primary school aged child when she's presumably well passed the usual age of child rearing. Seems like this was an act of desperation. I suspect this problem runs much deeper than just sending kids somewhere with an illness because they don't want to tell them no. I'd be annoyed too but I think you've made your point and could probably leave it there.

Ellie1015 · 14/12/2022 09:24

I would never send the 8 year old to you when anyone in household is unwell because you are more vulnerable.

At this time of year I wouldn't send 8 year old to anyone unless essential for work etc because it is close to Christmas.

Yabu to be annoyed at MIL rather than SIL. Grandparent's can find it more difficult to let grandchildren down and she may have been thinking about the here and now rather than how has he been the previous day.

mam0918 · 14/12/2022 09:25

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think palming off a sick child should be neglect and a social services issue.

Obviously thats harder to police inside a family where members could in full knowledge offer to share childcare (so civial matters) although OP is perfectly right to be mad.

However sending a child to SCHOOL when the kid is knowingly sick and infectious (if the kid is picked up after becoming sick AT school fine theres a level of benefit of the doubt obviously but a kid thats clearly been sick for several days being repetitively sent in to school is obvious) should be criminal neglect as they clearly don't care about the health, wellfare or suffering of that child or any others.

And people say things like 'but I can't get out of work' sorry but your parental responsability (especially with the health of a sick child) ALWAYS comes first, priorities need sorting in some people.

ancientgran · 14/12/2022 09:29

mam0918 · 14/12/2022 09:25

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think palming off a sick child should be neglect and a social services issue.

Obviously thats harder to police inside a family where members could in full knowledge offer to share childcare (so civial matters) although OP is perfectly right to be mad.

However sending a child to SCHOOL when the kid is knowingly sick and infectious (if the kid is picked up after becoming sick AT school fine theres a level of benefit of the doubt obviously but a kid thats clearly been sick for several days being repetitively sent in to school is obvious) should be criminal neglect as they clearly don't care about the health, wellfare or suffering of that child or any others.

And people say things like 'but I can't get out of work' sorry but your parental responsability (especially with the health of a sick child) ALWAYS comes first, priorities need sorting in some people.

One of my kids got me into hot water with school when he was sent home with rubella. Outbreak at school and he was very jealous that his older brother was off school so when a rash developed during the morning he informed the teacher, then the Head that he had German measles, mummy knows but sent him anyway. I got shouted at and however much I said he did not have a rash or any symptoms that morning no one believed me.

You've really got to love your 4 year olds sometimes.

Bookworm20 · 14/12/2022 09:29

Given your medical history, I'd be pretty livid too. You do not send a child who has been sick, even if they look fine, to someones house who is immune suppressed. And even someone who isn't immune suppressed should have been told the cild had been sick and then they can make that decision.

However, the thermometer thing, I have 5 DC and do not won one. So I must be thick too. We had one when first dc was born, but it got lost a coupole years later and I never replaced it. I can tell when my dc have a high temperature or not well because I know when they are under the weather simnply becauss they are not themselves. I don't need a thermometer to confirm to me they are not well.

I cannot understand how your DS came to be blue lighted for a temperature when you say there were no other symptoms, even the paramedic didn't believe he was ill. What made you take his temperature? Really curious to know. Do you just do random temperature checks?

panko · 14/12/2022 09:30

LlareggubTripAdviser · 13/12/2022 21:35

Why are you speaking to MIL about her GRANDSON and not his parents ???

Very presumptuous of you

mam0918 · 14/12/2022 09:31

ancientgran · 14/12/2022 09:19

I've managed to bring up 4 without ever using a thermometer. I was brought up in a family with no thermometer, as a toddler I even got blue lighted to hospital without the use of a thermometer. My granny brought up 12 without a thermometer.

It is possible.

Show quote history

Im disabled, immunosupressed and I also have a medical degree so spent a lot of time in hospitals going through protocol... they take your temprature in hospital everytime (multiple time) and have since I was born it the 80s.

Its always standard protocol, all I can think is you either weren't paying attention (its over within a few seconds) or didn't recognise the hospital thermometer (which is a device that quickly goes in the ear and beeps) as one.

panko · 14/12/2022 09:32

Workinghardeveryday · 13/12/2022 22:42

I thought that myself tbh, might do it

Show quote history

Do it

fancyacuppatea · 14/12/2022 09:36

YA VERY OBVIOUSLY NBU.

I would stop having your nephews over for a few weeks. If MIL thinks they're "fine" then she can have them.

Unifolorn · 14/12/2022 09:36

Even if you weren't immune suppressed it's common knowledge to leave 48 hours from last bout of sickness or diarrhoea before mixing with others. It's extremely selfish, they should have said he had been poorly and you could then decide whether you were happy to have him over (I'd have said no)- the fact your immune system is as it is just another layer of selfishness. I would also be fuming, especially close to Christmas as well with lots usually going on.