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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

544 replies

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 13:34

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

OP posts:
LeilaRose777 · 13/12/2022 17:25

"my ex was controlling to the extreme" - and your current oh is also controlling. This is not normal behaviour, not in the slightest. You're also taking on the responsibility for the success or failure of your marriage, which is weird because your husband is currently the one wrecking it with his jealousy and insecurity.
Tell him to get help or leave. This will escalate if not dealt with now.

Blossomtoes · 13/12/2022 17:26

Catdaft · 13/12/2022 17:21

He's an arsehole. Leaving would be best

Short, succinct and absolutely spot on.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2022 17:26

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 16:51

No it's fine, it's good to be able to chat about it all. I've never mentioned any of this to anyone not even close friends and family. My friends and family love him and they also think we're a perfect happy couple – I don't want to admit that could be wrong and that we have issues and I don't want them to think less of DH before I get my head around the situation.

Yes, despite what some PPs are saying, he shares the childcare and the housework etc. and is very good with the kids. The issues seem to be purely linked to me and/or my past. He genuinely believes I've done something heinous with that email (and "lie") so it's hard for me not to question whether I am actually in the wrong or not if that makes sense.

Show quote history

"My friends and family love him and they also think we're a perfect happy couple"

Street angel, house devil. Also extremely common in abusers. They need everyone around them to think they're perfect, so when their victim (that's YOU) finally cracks and wants, no, NEEDS to leave, they are all just aghast and unbelieving, and make the victim doubt the reality of her situation. It also enables them to keep their professional and public 'reputation'. They don't want to be known for what they truly are because it may cause them to lose friends or their job.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/12/2022 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SomethingOriginal2 · 13/12/2022 17:28

Ah it's so hard because you say he's amazing and now all the advice you're getting is just because people don't understand because they think he's some horrible controlling man who abuses you and he's not. He's a fair and equal partner.

Except, he is treating you appallingly over an email That you sent 14 years ago, in which you didn't tell your abusive ex about your new boyfriend of 3 months. No one is going to tell you it from his point of view because he has no rightful point of view. I actually thought you were going to say you DID design the tattoo and now he's seen it on your ex and knows its your work and it's a permanent testament to unresolved love which I would find equally but more understandably ridiculous.

To have even brought it up in the first place during an argument is ridiculous.

And the whole you've been lying about the kind of sex you had with your ex, why is he even asking. Why has he ever asked. Its none of his fucking business what you used to do with your ex. So long as you're clean obviously.

He is going to destroy your marriage and your lives (can't remember if you have kids, I've been ranting too long, but their lives too) over an email from 14 years ago. Ask yourself what kind of person would do that? Not a nice one.

Damnautocorrect · 13/12/2022 17:29

Jenni92 · 13/12/2022 17:23

To all those saying your DH is 'crazy' and 'controlling' I vehemently disagree. A lie is a lie. Big or small. No one wants to think that our partner was still entertaining their ex, it can also stir feelings of betrayal to know he wasn't discussed and you lied. He has every right to feel the way he does. You could sit with him and start of by saying... 'You have every right to feel the way you do about the lie I told you in the beginning of the relationship about... going forward I want to know what I can do to regain your trust and show you that I am not consistently lying or betraying you' Start there and see where you two can go.

I wish you and your family all the best :)

You know the reason she lied wasn’t because she was up to no good. It was to save herself unnecessary grief over something completely innocent. It’s self protection. His behaviour feeds having to play things down in order to behave like a normal adult.

Sandra1984 · 13/12/2022 17:29

beastlyslumber · 13/12/2022 17:25

Think we've found the husband...

Show quote history

Yep 😥

MysteryBelle · 13/12/2022 17:32

I just honestly can't believe it, can't get my head around why you would do this to me to us

‘this’ meaning you asking to chat which ‘causes’ him to jump to you have had hot sex in the marital bed with your ex on every anniversary of your sordid email crime?

or ‘this’ meaning your sordid email crime where you responded to ex’s email with an innocent reply 14 YEARS AGO, then forgot teeny tiny details he seared onto his brain as a Great Lie, 3 months into dating him, a crime he cannot believe you committed and a terrible crime that you would do to him and to you both as a couple. That everyone thinks is perfect. Yeah right.

You’re both bonkers and perhaps deserve each other, but your children certainly don’t deserve this mess. How can you not see what a manipulative psycho toddler-monster he is, every update shows he’s even more of a psycho than we all thought. And you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a brainwashed enabler in all the years of perusing mumsnet. I felt for you at first but you are stubborn as a mule holding on to delusions fed to you by an idiot.

You really take the prize biscuit.

Sakura7 · 13/12/2022 17:33

Jenni92 · 13/12/2022 17:23

To all those saying your DH is 'crazy' and 'controlling' I vehemently disagree. A lie is a lie. Big or small. No one wants to think that our partner was still entertaining their ex, it can also stir feelings of betrayal to know he wasn't discussed and you lied. He has every right to feel the way he does. You could sit with him and start of by saying... 'You have every right to feel the way you do about the lie I told you in the beginning of the relationship about... going forward I want to know what I can do to regain your trust and show you that I am not consistently lying or betraying you' Start there and see where you two can go.

I wish you and your family all the best :)

Oh fuck off with that gaslighting shit. You clearly have issues yourself, if you can understand getting angry about an innocuous email from 14 YEARS AGO.

devildeepbluesea · 13/12/2022 17:34

Jenni92 · 13/12/2022 17:23

To all those saying your DH is 'crazy' and 'controlling' I vehemently disagree. A lie is a lie. Big or small. No one wants to think that our partner was still entertaining their ex, it can also stir feelings of betrayal to know he wasn't discussed and you lied. He has every right to feel the way he does. You could sit with him and start of by saying... 'You have every right to feel the way you do about the lie I told you in the beginning of the relationship about... going forward I want to know what I can do to regain your trust and show you that I am not consistently lying or betraying you' Start there and see where you two can go.

I wish you and your family all the best :)

This post is dangerous and is suggesting that abused women must prostrate themselves in front of their abusers and beg for forgiveness (for doing nothing wrong).

But there you go OP: there’s the perspective you were hoping for: one lone voice (most probably that of an abuser themselves) amongst the hundreds telling you what you don’t want to hear, but what is nevertheless true.

Sandra1984 · 13/12/2022 17:35

My personal experience with highly insecure jealous and controlling is they behave like this because deep down they’re the ones who cheat at the minimum opportunity so they think you’re the same. It’s a projection. Beware of jealous men who think you’re cheating on their back because that’s what they’re probably doing themselves.

forgotmyusername1 · 13/12/2022 17:37

In the absence of a time machine you can do nothing about the email sent 14 years ago.

Ask your hubby would he rather

A) accept this is ridiculous and is concerning a relationship with someone you haven't spoken to in 14 years and drop it

Or

B) you make it right by you emailing your ex after 14 years in order to tell him how great your hubby is

Or

C) split up over an email sent 14 years ago

Your husband is a petulant child - c looks tempting

Honeyroar · 13/12/2022 17:37

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:09

I don't want to escape the relationship, I want to fix the relationship. When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest.

It depends whether you want to fix it properly- where you don’t dance to his tune to avoid confrontation and this sort of thing keeps happening, or whether you want to fix it properly where he/you as a couple get therapy and you actually get your point across that you don’t feel you can live your life normally due to his OTT reactions. In fact you ought to get individual therapy so that you properly understand that this marriage is a long way from perfect.

Kennykenkencat · 13/12/2022 17:40

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 16:13

Thank you everyone. I've messaged him to suggest we sit down and chat tonight when we're back from work and the kids are asleep. He genuinely believes I've done something, his last text: "....I just honestly can't believe it, can't get my head around why you would do this to me to us." @GoldenCupidon I'll try your suggestion, thank you!

Why are you having him back under the same roof as your children he is seriously mentally unwell.

You messaged you want to sit down and have a chat and his reply is

...I just honestly can't believe it, can't get my head around why you would do this to me to us

I hope you replied with. WTF

I know you want to keep the charade of a marriage going so I hope when you sit down with him to night you start to find your anger and start to lay down some rules for him. And you tell him that if you are to go on as a couple there will be no more crap and if he finds that difficult then he needs to start having therapy about his issues and if he starts to feel like he is in a black hole then he needs to leave and find alternative accommodation as you and the children aren’t going to governed by him and his feelings any longer
Going forward you will not be restricting who you talk to, where you go and what you say around him and if he cannot handle that then the trust is gone, there is no relationship the marriage is dead and you want a divorce

I would also mention to him that he makes it look like he is having an affair and deflecting on to you every time he starts to spiral on one of his jealousy tantrums

You say you don’t want to destroy your marriage and family who are perfect in every way

If your marriage and family were perfect in every way you wouldn’t be on here telling us about your abusive husband

I do think though you need to look at the reality of your situation. Stop trying to prop up an abusive marriage.

CarefreeMe · 13/12/2022 17:40

just normal jealousy needing some reassurance).

This relationship is a complete joke!

Who regularly argues about past partners of sex lives from 14 years ago!
It is not normal at all.

Do you even like each other?
It doesn’t sound like it.

PinsetAndTwirls · 13/12/2022 17:44

Jenni92 · 13/12/2022 17:23

To all those saying your DH is 'crazy' and 'controlling' I vehemently disagree. A lie is a lie. Big or small. No one wants to think that our partner was still entertaining their ex, it can also stir feelings of betrayal to know he wasn't discussed and you lied. He has every right to feel the way he does. You could sit with him and start of by saying... 'You have every right to feel the way you do about the lie I told you in the beginning of the relationship about... going forward I want to know what I can do to regain your trust and show you that I am not consistently lying or betraying you' Start there and see where you two can go.

I wish you and your family all the best :)

I would like to think you are joking with this batshit "advice".

Bouledeneige · 13/12/2022 17:45

But OP why are you accepting that you lied? It makes it sound much worse than it is. You might have made a mistake, forgotten what you did say or even told a white lie to get him off your back. Hard to say after 14 years. But the real point is that it doesn't matter and it didn't matter if you did lie because his behaviour was excessively jealous and unreasonable. Do you make the same demands of him? Do you insist on expecting his old messages to check and affirm what he said is entirely accurate? Presumably not. Because the whole scenario is ridiculous and controlling. It's not normal jealousy it's control. And you should not excuse it and be bullied about it. Most people would just tell him to grow up and fuck off for being so ridiculous!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/12/2022 17:46

Your justifications are not normal at all. His reactions are not normal at all.

This is such a mundane occurrence, I doubt most husbands (or wives) would have this on their radar at the time let alone 14 years later.

He does not sound nice. And if he ends your relationship over this then tbh good riddance.

Jenni92 · 13/12/2022 17:48

devildeepbluesea · 13/12/2022 17:34

This post is dangerous and is suggesting that abused women must prostrate themselves in front of their abusers and beg for forgiveness (for doing nothing wrong).

But there you go OP: there’s the perspective you were hoping for: one lone voice (most probably that of an abuser themselves) amongst the hundreds telling you what you don’t want to hear, but what is nevertheless true.

Show quote history

I do not support domestic violence. I'm missing the part of the post where she said he's abusive? so if you can point that out I suggest you do so.

She described her husband as a 'the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met...' not once did she explain that he is physically or mentally abusive.

Letting someone know that something they done whether 100 years ago or tomorrow hurt your feelings is valid.

All these leave him he's abusive posts are not helpful to someone who is seeking to understand her partners perspective. All the self proclaimed unqualified psychotherapists diagnosing him as a narcissist should stop. it's very dangerous and no real clinical professional would do so.

Have a good day :)

ArabellaScott · 13/12/2022 17:50

not once did she explain that he is physically or mentally abusive.

All of her posts describe a controlling, manipulative, jealous, and yes, probably abusive man.

BubblesMacgee · 13/12/2022 17:51

Love isn't like this. Time to leave.

Nocutenamesleft · 13/12/2022 17:51

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 13:34

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

Oh my god. This is terrible. How can you be with a man who is so jealous of a past that’s like 15 years ago?

I’ve been with my husband that long and I wouldn’t ever put up with that long!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/12/2022 17:52

Jenni92 · 13/12/2022 17:48

I do not support domestic violence. I'm missing the part of the post where she said he's abusive? so if you can point that out I suggest you do so.

She described her husband as a 'the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met...' not once did she explain that he is physically or mentally abusive.

Letting someone know that something they done whether 100 years ago or tomorrow hurt your feelings is valid.

All these leave him he's abusive posts are not helpful to someone who is seeking to understand her partners perspective. All the self proclaimed unqualified psychotherapists diagnosing him as a narcissist should stop. it's very dangerous and no real clinical professional would do so.

Have a good day :)

Show quote history

I think it's disturbing that because OP hasn't specifically typed the words 'he is abusive to me' that you can therefore excuse this behaviour. It is abnormal in the extreme, and I'm sorry, the text he sent to her is abusive. He's leading her to believe that this absolute non-event could break up her family, and it'll be all her fault!

InSummertime · 13/12/2022 17:54

Yahyahs22 · 13/12/2022 13:44

That's mad. He has absolutely no right to behave like that over something that happened 14 bloody years ago. The fact you think any type of jealousy is normal shows me you've got too used to being controlled. Put your foot down and don't take his shit, it's HIS problem, not yours. You've done nothing wrong.

This - he is highly controlling your DH and he’s to wind his neck in or please please throw this one away

hes bonkers

beastlyslumber · 13/12/2022 17:55

All these leave him he's abusive posts are not helpful to someone who is seeking to understand her partners perspective.

But we do understand her partner's perspective. He wants to control her, and finds that fits of jealousy and emotional meltdowns are the most effective way to do so. But also uses anger (punching the walls) to help keep her fearful.