Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance).

This is totally alien to me.

Heated discussion-why?-about what?

What is "normal jealousy"?

Why marry someone who needs reassurance-about what?

Even stuff that happened before you knew him?

It all sounds completely unnecessary drama to me.

You mean teaching your sons to control and abuse women, just like Daddy; and teaching your daughters to be subservient doormats, just like Mummy? Wake up, OP.

Do these values involve him doing 50% of the childcare and housework? Or is it him making decisions and you enacting them?

Sorry to be cynical OP. But it's very unusual for a man who is this ridiculous and controlling over your behaviour to not have similar traits re the bringing up of children.

This does not sound normal, OP. You keep saying how amazing your DH is, but, to be honest, he sounds like a bully. You sound absolutely infatuated with him and don’t seem to realise that you have to keep placating his behaviour because he has jealous outbursts.

Everyone has a past; he is obviously still riled up that you met someone before him. He needs therapy as he sounds emotionally abusive.

Double THIS!

No it's fine, it's good to be able to chat about it all. I've never mentioned any of this to anyone not even close friends and family. My friends and family love him and they also think we're a perfect happy couple – I don't want to admit that could be wrong and that we have issues and I don't want them to think less of DH before I get my head around the situation.

Yes, despite what some PPs are saying, he shares the childcare and the housework etc. and is very good with the kids. The issues seem to be purely linked to me and/or my past. He genuinely believes I've done something heinous with that email (and "lie") so it's hard for me not to question whether I am actually in the wrong or not if that makes sense.

It was 14 FUCKING YEARS AGO!!!

And it inconsequential nonsense anyway, and happened when you were dating and barely knew your husband. It was none of his business then and certainly nothing to be brought up now. Who the fuck cares?!

Your husband needs to get ALL the grips. In fact, this is gaslighting emotional abuse, and I don’t say that lightly.

There is no way my DH would be casting up some crap from 14 years ago. Your husband is a controlling asshole and I don’t care how wonderful you claim he is - he is a behaving like a fucking nutter and I wouldn’t be putting up with it.

OP you need to absorb what literally every single person on this thread is telling you.

Find your fucking anger. He has behaved appallingly. You should feel offended and insulted that he's making these accusations against you and instead you're letting him walk all over you, making you beg for forgiveness when you haven't done anything wrong.

You response to "you're a liar, you ruined our relationship, I can't trust you" should be:

"I ruined our relationship because I responded to an email 14 years ago and have since forgotten about it? Can you actually hear yourself?"

Or even better would be "I'm divorcing you."

The longer you stay, the more opportunity he has to fuck up your children.

Okay, that's good re the kids.

For all that I've bene one of the main people on this thread outraged, one thing I will say - I truly believe that people like this do have their own issues. I just don't agree those issues are an excuse to behave badly. So if he's willing to adjust and do the work to get over his ridiculousness, great.

DH had some minor jealousy issues when we first met. He quickly realised I wasn't going to entertain them. He also quickly realised he was being ridiculous. All fine.

I had a huge issue with DH going to bed late. I used to bang on and on and get upset and was, frankly, controlling. But eventually, I realised it was MY issue and had to do with some issues with my mum. I was the one who had to do the work to realise that I was trying to control DH because of a problem that I had in my childhood. I did the work. Not DH.

If that’s what it is then shut it down completely and don’t give it any oxygen, treat as a silly tantrum and he needs to get over himself.

but worrying that your response was to jump to, assume you’re in the wrong and work to fix it.

he’s a loon, a well adjusted loving man in a long term partnership would not be bothered by this. so I just don’t feel like it can be the situation that ‘he’s great - it’s just this one thing’

Triple THIS!

My friends and family love him and they also think we're a perfect happy couple – I don't want to admit that could be wrong and that we have issues and I don't want them to think less of DH before I get my head around the situation.

This is so sad OP. Stop protecting his image.

He’s nasty, paranoid and controlling. It’s his own doing. Not yours. You don’t have to protect this “perfect happy couple” image.

Trust me, your friends and family would rather know about how you’re feeling and how you are being treated. They would. 100%.

Please tell them.

If you stay with this man then you’re showing your children that it’s ok to stay with in an emotionally abusive relationship because you want to keep up the appearance of a perfect happy couple.

The issue is he doesn’t want to believe you. You will never ‘win’ this. He’s comfortable complex issues which are not your fault.

You are allowed to have found memories of relationships with your exs. Things you’ve done and places you’ve been. That’s ok. That’s normal. He behaviour is not and it’s not healthy.

You did nothing wrong. He will need to admit that his reaction is extreme and get some help. Until then you’re going to be apologising for your past life and walking on eggshells.

Oh and btw, your friends and family will have all experienced relationship issues. You don’t spend 14 years together and not have any hiccups. Try opening up to those around you.

I think the thing is OP you don’t want to think less than of your husband because then you’re going to have to acknowledge that your life is very very far from perfect.

there is a reason why you are with him and that is your own dysfunction you will need to faCe up to

He's only ever been physically abusive to the walls

I said upthread that I wasn't going to say LTB, but I'm now saying LTB.

Do not accept a man who punches the walls. Do not let your children grow up with this.

You say his values etc are the same as yours when it comes to the children. But what is he going to do if he suspects them of lying to him, as he is bound to do at some point?

I wonder what your husband is currently up to? Do you think he is trying to stir up shit to cover up something he has done or is currently doing?

When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest.

Bloddy hell. So as long as he decides that you've behaved yourself, he's fine. Any time he decides that jealousy is at bay or we're not discussing my lying everything's tickety boo. And then I bet he decides that 'the jealousy comes in waves' or he wants to 'talk about your lies* and then it all kicks off.

You've had 14 years of mental torture from this bloke, OP

His behaviour isn't normal. It really isn't.
You are putting up with what sounds like abuse... and yet feeling ashamed yourself.

It would be a good idea to share this with someone in real life. You might find that people do have doubts about him and are just not expressing them to you.

I think it sounds like you need to do some work on yourself OP, it's not healthy that you are accepting this behaviour from him and defending him.

I can't believe after 14 years he's kicking up a fuss about this! So what you didn't mention him that was 14 years ago, and seriously? Hes jealous of a fond memory because he isn't in it 😵‍💫? Your husband needs to work on himself but so do you OP. I do wish you all the best this situation sounds awfully toxic and it must be horrible to be doubting yourself like this.

He sounds like one of those people that keeps a black book of everything their other half has ever done wrong - so that when he's feeling bored he can bring it out and say 'remember 20 years ago when you....'. Ain't nobody got time for that.

This is what I thought before I was even halfway through.

I think my previous post might make it sound like I'm blaming you, I'm not, your posts just sound a lot like spending time doing counselling or talking to close family/friends and unpicking what is going on could really help, I think your husband is out of line but you can't force him to see that is his own insecurities that are the issue

Oh god I had one of these - wall puncher and insane jealousy interspersed with an amazing relationship. Thank god my 26 year old self saw sense. Dumped him and Married nearly 20 years to a fun interesting sane adult.

Proper madness. There's some debate around whether I cheated on my husband when we first got together (we had different interpretations of our relationship lol). We argued about it occasionally for...18 months, decided we were happiest together and cracked on. 15 years later, on the rare occasion it comes up, we just laugh at how young and stupid we were.

I'll try that again

When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest

Bloody hell. So as long as he decides that you've behaved yourself, he's fine. Any time he decides that jealousy is at bay or we're not discussing my lying everything's tickety boo. And then I bet he decides that the jealousy comes in waves or he wants to talk about your lies and then it all kicks off.

You've had 14 years of mental and emotional torture from this bloke, OP. 14 years of abuse and being played with like a mouse with a particularly sadistic cat.