Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

You haven't destroyed anything. You sent an email 14 years ago at the start of a relationship and your DH is harping on about a throwaway comment of whether you mentioned him or not.
The hardest part to believe is that you keep all your emails. That's the part that is odd. Nothing else.

OP, you have received one of the most consistent set of replies that I have ever seen on MN; and I have been on here for years!
You are not listening and considering the replies.

What strikes me is you comment about him punching walls. That is intimidation. That is abusive. Can you not seen that?

Over 14 years he has conditioned and trained you. You need to start to understand what his behaviour actually is and get qualified support to process that.

It is time to wake up, give the guilt back to the man who is manipulating and controlling you.

Not RTFT, but I’ve read all your comments op, and the first couple of pages of replies you’ve had. You are in an abusive, controlling relationship, and he’s done such a good number on you that you think the sun shines out of his arse, and all these issues are your fault. Unfortunately the stage you are at is nowhere near acceptance of this fact, so we can give you all the LTBs under the sun, but they will fall on deaf ears.

Fucking hell, this is like something out of medieval times! 'Is my beloved chaste and true, loyal only to me and cleaving to no other? If not she is a filthy harlot!'

Jealousy is very unattractive. It becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy really - I'd be more likely to find someone else if my partner was a jealous twat who sucked all the joy out of life.

DH and I have been together more than a decade, never had conversations like this, we've both been in touch with exes now and then, but trust each other not to cheat because that's what a relationship is.

Here's my prediction about this chat. He will pull out some combination of the following:

• Tell you that he wants to look at your phone, social media, computer etc to "check" all your communications so that you can "prove" that this was the only "lie".
• Turn it on you by telling you that every time he has had an issue in the past it's because on some level he suspected you were lying to him from the start so really, any and all issues in your marriage are the result of your original "lie"
• If he sees you're not going to take it, he might switch tactics: cry and beg you not to leave him but he can't help it. He loves you so much. He just doesn't understand why you stay with him when he's so pathetic and useless. [the response he's looking for here is for you to tell him how wonderful he is, agree that YOUR behaviour was the problem and promise that you will prove how much you love him every single day. Probably by never seeing or speaking to another man ever again].
• Get very very angry so that you feel the only way for you to end this conversation is by accepting blame. This anger may take physical form. You will be blamed for this.
• Quiz you on other situations where you have done or said things he didn't like. "So, that time you said you were just meeting Janet, was that true? Were you actually meeting Jack?" and you will then feel obliged to show the mail trail between you and Janet or produce "evidence"

At the end of all this, tomorrow you will probably feel like it is better and easier if you just accept his version and also restrict yourself further because the poor man was so upset and it's just too awful to put him through that after all he's already been through.

He is being ridulous, this is not normal behaviour. Please don't feel guilty any longer, I was reading expecting to see some actual betrayal or that you met with the ex/cheated etc. What actually happened is nothing and I'm astounded that he would react in this way. I rarely say it but you are better off out of this relationship.

I get it from his point of view because he has been cheated on in past relationships and his dad abandoned him as a child so of course he's going to have issues with insecurity and abandonment, that's not his fault.

Bullshit.

If I told you my back story you'd lose your lunch.
I was abandoned twice by my father, have been cheated on, survived ACE, CSA, CC, an alcoholic workshy spouse & a marriage that ended in death threats, police, lawyer, barister, injunction ... & months more death threats because the arrogant fucker felt the law didn;t apply to him.

It's never made me cross-question any of my romantic partners about their sex lives previous to me. It hasn't made me insanely controlling. It doesn't mean I get to claim ownership of any body I welcome into my bed.

It's a tired old excuse, it's the exact same cliched Script used by controlling partners the world over. He needs to deal with his issues. They are his to fix. You are not a rehab centre for dysfunctional men. What he does NOT get to expect is that his problems mean YOU have to eat his shit sandwich. That he gets to punish YOU for his abandonment issues. Or whatever he tells you his excuse for berating you is.

You mentioned couples counselling with him. DON'T DO IT.
If he wants therapy, he goes solo.
Firstly - because you don't have a problem - he does (your only problem is why you are sticking around tolerating his bullshit & allowing him to pretend it's your fault).
Secondly - & most importantly - because DA professionals strongly advise that couples counselling is NEVER undertaken when one of the pair is abusive. And your H is abusing you. Stop dressing it up with this "poor ickle boy can't help it, he's Just Insecure" excuses.

Someone above mentioned Othello Complex.

copecentre.org/othello-syndrome-pathological-jealousy/

You might find it an interesting read. The reason why there isnt really anyone to see it from his PoV is because his thinking is so disordered as to be illogical. His standard is so high for you, that no one could meet it over 14 years. That he's making you blame yourself because you cant be "perfect" is causing concern.

Who can be perfect? We want a partner to support us in our infallibility not be cross at us when we've done nothing wrong.

That was too much of a vast wall of unbroken text to read in full,

BUT, your current partner sounds far from pleasant.

He sounds paranoid and controlling.

Your choice to continue to stay with a man as controlling as this, but jealousy after fourteen years is completely unacceptable.

This is exactly what I was going to say. He is abusive and controlling. All of the issues are his, not yours. But you are entrenched and nowhere near ready to accept it yet. Keep this thread and come back to it the next time there's a similar incident (which there will be) and keep coming back to it. The penny will drop for you eventually. I really hope its sooner rather than later and that your children aren't affected by any of his antics.

I really don't think OP's biggest problem is whether the madman she's accidentally married is a cheat or not.

So you mistakenly told your DH something and he hold it against you after 14 years?????
when I have started reading I thought it’s something like he’s not a father of your child or you committed a murder. But you just forgot what you’ve put into email!!!!! He’s got too much free time on his hands or he’s psycho or both.

What everyone else said. Controlling and bizarre behaviour from him.

I agree with this !
My DH would think Ihad lost my mind if I was hounding him like this over an innocuous interaction with an old girlfriend, fourteen years ago. Or ever, actually ! Extreme jealousy is a very unattractive trait .

What is he like with disciplining the children, OP?

Do you and he agree on how this is done?

OP you need to leave him.

You really do. He does not love and support you. He doesn’t care for your well-being.

I am getting incredibly narcissistic tendencies from him.

He only cares about himself. He is controlling. Jealous. And spiteful.

I’m so sorry. It’s not what you want to hear or accept. You’ll be in denial. Panicking. Wanting to make things work.

It will never work. He will never change. It may only get worse.

Please put your mental well-being and sanity first. Leave. This. Controlling. And. Selfish. Man.

Superb post!
The excuses of ''Poor little man was left as a child ''...Jeez...Who hasn't had losses and dysfunction as a child?

Decent men seek counselling for any issues they may have around loss and insecurity/abandonment issues, they don't take it out on their partners.

It doesn't turn us into paranoid controlling arseholes.

Sounds like a diversion tactic, he has done something and is taking it out on you.

Or he isn't happy in the relationship so he wants to blame it all on you

@TheShellBeach yes he's really good with the kids and we have the same values with their discipline and upbringing.

You’re not getting it, but then you’ve been abused and gaslighted for 14 years. Interesting part is that you came here asking for advice and when everyone has told the same thing you keep denying it, which is what you’ve been doing for 14 years.

That's good. I was worried that you had to abide by his decisions about the children in order to keep the peace and not upset your husband.

@TheShellBeach i imagine that all of the op’s views about the children just happen to be the same
as her husbands

i can guarantee you those children will not be parented well

I couldn’t even read this sorry your hubby sounds unhinged bringing all this up after all these years. Joe draining for you both.

Sweetheart your DH is an immature twat who is using your fears as a stick to beat you.

That's 14 years ago. He scared you then, he scares you now.

What do you want to happen next?

Does anyone know how you find a reply post that you've saved? I saved (clicked the heart) a good reply and can't for the life of me find it anywhere. Thank you