Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

Wow. He's got you right where he wants you, pandering to him and trying to make amends for something that happened years ago and is barely significant! He is jealous, controlling and abusive. Trust me when I say he will love that you're tying yourself up in knots about this. You deserve so much better. Be strong, stand your ground and take control of your own life. He will hate that.

He is toxic op.

Who even asks about people's past especially years after! He is absolutely crackers.

He needs to grow up !

You need to grow some balls & tell him that he needs to seek some professional help & not lay his insecurities onto you

If he is not willing to change, make plans to end this relationship

So much wrong OP.
DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance)

This is not normal, most people aren't jealous about their partner's past.

And so you exchanged a couple of chatty, friendly emails with an ex, and 14 years ago at that.
So what? You did nothing wrong.

It’s not you…

It sounds like there's a repeated dynamic in the marriage where is "the troubled one" and you have to cajole and cheer and persuade and beg him until he starts to "feel better".

How much of that is real (as in, he is in genuine pain and not just playing up to get you to pander to him) or not, I can't guess. But surely you can see it's not healthy.

The thing is, you need to situate this as a problem with your husband. Not as a problem with you, or one you have caused.

He is acting (as many have said) "mental" and you can't reason someone out of being like that.

You need to gather the strength and self belief to say to him, "look, I love you so much but it's clear your head is a mess. It's not normal to be so anxious and jealous about tiny things from so long ago. Whatever I did or didn't write in a totally inoccuous email is not the issue. Your reaction to it and the fact that your faith in me is so easily shaken is the issue. I think you should speak to someone about it."

Basically treat it a bit like a health problem he has.

Omg. Honestly if he leaves you he’s doing you a favour. What bonkers person is dragging up a total non event from 14 years ago and using it against you. Fuck that

And also OP - think about why you would ever ever go looking for an email to an ex from 14 blinking years ago. You're pandering to his delusions and attempts to paint you as a villain who upsets him.

he upsets himself - you have had toddlers and seen them get into a massive strop - that's what's happening here. If you wouldn't blame yourself for a toddler having a tantrum over some imaginary problem, don't for the love of goodness blame yourself for this.

Thank you everyone. I've messaged him to suggest we sit down and chat tonight when we're back from work and the kids are asleep. He genuinely believes I've done something, his last text: "....I just honestly can't believe it, can't get my head around why you would do this to me to us." @GoldenCupidon I'll try your suggestion, thank you!

It takes 2 to fix a relationship. He's not interested in fixing, he's interested in blaming & ownership.

You have the best time & the best fun. Until he makes it not fun with his jealousy & punishing language & behaviours.
If I gave you the best sandwich, your most favourite in the world & you were starving - but I had laced it with 5% dogshit - would you carefully eat 95% of the sandwich?
Or would you throw it far away from you in disgust, & back nervously away from me, because I am trying to feed you shit, disguised as a sandwich, so am clearly a raving madwoman who wants to harm you?

Stop eating his shit sandwiches OP.

Next time he bangs on, stop placating, appeasing, pandering.
Try telling him to STFU because you are bored of his pathetic jealousy & it's a big turn-off.
Let him react to that however he chooses.
Because how he responds is INFORMATION.
Right now, the information he has given you is that you can spend the rest of your life turning yourself inside out, walking on eggshells, answering to him like he's Boss Cop & you're some kind of petty criminal, pandering to his "insecurity" (ie control) - but that doesn't fix it.
So why are you persisting in doing it? It doesn't work! Change the record!

OP I really hope I’m wrong here but this is giving huge red flags. Someone who flips so much over things like this have normally done things themselves

to him it does come with the feelings of hurt and betrayal so in that sense he does think I'm in the wrong because I'm the one responsible for causing him those feelings.

He's kind of responsible for his own feelings. It'd be one thing if you'd done something that'd reasonably warrant these feelings from the average person- but you haven't.

guess I'm still waiting for a reply from someone who sees it from his perspective rather than mine.

If no one is/most people aren't, that's because his perspective is bollox.

He's only ever been physically abusive to the walls.

This is still not ok @ithinkiveruinedmymarriage . It's intimidating, plus it tends to develop into violence against a person.

His moods are to control you, and make himself the centre of attention.

Oh my god. Your husband is a pathetic, insecure inadequate man. I cannot abide such ridiculous behaviour. It’s the past FFS, and none of his business anyway.

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor I'm 100% confident he's done nothing, no OW, no cheating, no affair.

Can you try saying, "I honestly don't remember. But if I lied to you then, it was because were were in the first 3 months of our relationship and honestly, you were melting down because I had an email exchange with an ex. It was totally OTT then and it's totally OTT now. I have done nothing wrong, I don't lie to you, I don't cheat on you and if you don't believe that, then there is nothing I can do to change it."

Because that's something you need tog et your head around. His behaviour and responses are irrational. Which means there is literally NOTHING you can do to solve the problem. Or at least, nothing rational.

Also, tell him to ask his friends or colleagues what they think. I suspect they'll all think he's absolutely bonkers.

OP you’re still massively minimizing

It's verging on an Othello complex. He could easily turn nasty physically.

He genuinely believes I've done something, his last text: "....I just honestly can't believe it, can't get my head around why you would do this to me, to us."

He doesn't, though. He knows perfectly well that you haven't "done something" but he is telling you that you have, over and over again, and you believe him.

He is worryingly controlling, OP.

How does he deal with the children, out of interest? Do the two of you agree about disciplining them?

Why the duck ar explaining yourself to this controlling, irrational, emotionally abusive man?

Because that's what he is if he dredged up an EMAIL chain from 14 years ago to accuse you of all sorts.

Can you leave him safely? If you can, please do. If you can't, please get help leaving him.

Has he got many friends?

Do you go out as a couple with other people?

14 years after you sent a totally innocent email to an ex BF in response to another email whilst you had only just started with new BF (future DH).

You need to tell him to give his head a wobble. He is pathetic for making it an issue and you need some self confidence. This isnt even an issue.

He is toxic, abusive and unhinged.
You did and have done nothing wrong. 3 months into a new relationship he had absolute no right to tell you who you were allowed to chat to, nor would you be expected to talk about him to friends - at that point it's pretty normal to keep it to yourself.

And yes, I agree that men like this have often gone away with work, got pissed and snogged some random, and managed to persuade themselves that it was all innocent fun, because they did it not you. And they genuinely can't see the hypocrisy.

This is so deeply disturbing. Mainly because you are so far down the rabbit hole, you cannot see your relationship for what it is - controlling, abusive and emotionally manipulative. You literally have to not talk about huge chunks of your past, lie, avoid certain people/places and spend your time placating a fully grown adult human so they don’t get in a mood. Your relationship is so far from perfect, but I think maybe only therapy and time will help you to see that.

Do you talk to anyone in real life about what you have mentioned here?

Your OH is abusive. You are walking on egg shells. He's mind fucked you. In what world is his behaviour okay? He only punches the walls. You can't go anywhere or do anything in case he gets jealous. You can't talk about your past because he might be jealous of who you were with at the time. You're like a prisoner of his jealousy.

You talk about what you did and how you ruined your relationship and family. 14 years ago you replied to an email. You weren't having an affair or shaging around. It's an email. He then chose to continue the relationship. He chose to have a family with you. in my mind this whole thing is leverage to abuse and control you.

He isn't going to change. He isn't going to trust you. Life's to short to live in fear of someone else's insecurity.

Do you have a daughter? If so, how would you feel if she told you she was in a relationship the same as yours?