Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

I'm sure there are jealous, insecure, abusive, violent nutjobs on Mumsnet somewhere, whether or not one of them will come to this thread is another thing.

I think you'll be waiting a long time for this because so far everyone else can see what you're completely blind to.

Everything he says to you is very common standard manipulating phrasing psychos use on easy targets. Look it up.

One of the most insane things I’ve read. He is not ok.

I think MNetters are generally very harsh on DH’s and tell posters to leave their partners over the slightest thing, which I do not agree with.
However in this case you DH is either an abusive control freak or he has a mental health problem. His behaviour is disgusting. An email 14 years ago? What a ridiculous man, to say that he should be embarrassed is an understatement. How on earth you can have any respect for him when he is acting like such an insecure, foolish, petty, jealous and obsessive man I have no idea. He needs a huge wake up call and has some massive self work to do. To say nothing of a huge apology! I can’t understand people who go sniffing around looking for reasons to be unhappy. One thing that comes to mind is possibly he is having an affair/has reason to feel guilty and trying to distract/throw you off the scent by going on the major defensive and moral high ground over any tawdry little scrap he can sniff out.

I think you'll be waiting a long time to get it. Your life sounds far from perfect and he sounds awful. I don't think this thread is going to make you see that, though. I hope I'm wrong but I worry it'll only be when he runs out of wall to thump and starts on you instead.

Trying to look at this from his perspective.

His dad abandoned him as a child so from a young age, he feels like he pushes people away or there is something wrong with him/he's not enough. When he's older, a girlfriend cheats on him which triggers his childhood feelings of being less than. He meets you, falls in love, you have a blip about your ex and he asks you some questions outright and you respond.
He finds out that you have exaggerated about your sex life and probably everything you've told him is basically details about the sex with your ex. An ex who you've recently been speaking with.

You marry, have kids and years go by. He has jealousy flares based on his abandonment issues and a feeling that there is something wrong with him that makes people not care about him. In order to deal with his feelings, he tries to control so much of his life that it spills over into yours. He then finds out that something you said years ago was a lie. Something so tiny that shouldn't have meant anything but the fact it was a small lie makes him now wonder what else you've lied about. He's cross. He's hurt. He's frustrated. He feels like it's all coming back, all the childhood issues, all the insecurity, all the hurt...

You know what's missing from the above? Where he actually tries to seek help with his feelings and heal. Yes he may have had some shit things that happened to him in the past but that doesn't mean that gets to manipulate you into being what he has decided he needs. He has decided that to be happy he needs this perfect other half who does what he wants. He doesn't see you as a whole person, he sees you as a solution for his issues. The minute you make a mistake, or do something he doesn't like, or he sees a chink in the persona he's created about you in his head, he overreacts.

Ultimately, he needs help. He is controlling and abusive. I don't think it necessarily comes from a place of malice, I think it comes from a place of pure selfishness and an inability to deal with his own issues, or even recognise them.

This is going to always be the case and I think you'll end up rehashing this argument or versions of it for the rest of your life unless something changes.

He's only ever been physically abusive to the walls.

This is not normal, OP.

Punching walls as well? What a man-child. I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing at DH if he punched a wall! What a loss of dignity and how weak to have so little self control.

Your husband is abusive and controlling.

That’s the end of it.

You can’t fix that.

I'd be furious that it's diminished capacity to handle his fucking ridiculous jealousy had wasted 14 years of my time. There's no growth there, and that is like dry rot in a marriage.

When you say the good times are really great (paraphrasing) you do realise that it's just your huge relief that he's being nice to you rather than putting you on edge?
It's a well known abusers trick and as I said before, you don't believe anyone telling you that you're a victim of abuse as you are too far in. You likely think we are all massively overreacting. But if you know mumsnet at all you'll know there is rarely such a consensus of opinion.
You might not be ready to make the break now but I hope you are one day. Your children are watching and they think is a normal way to live too.

That his*

It’s not normal jealousy.

I’ve been in the abusive relationship where you tie yourself up with something innocent because you know they’ll kick off. Then when they find out, it’s worse because you’ve tried to protect normal interactions, and suddenly you look guilty. Honestly. It’s not you. It’s really not you.

@ithinkiveruinedmymarriage The fact that you've changed your username to "I think I've ruined my marriage" and not "My jealous controlling husband has ruined my marriage" speaks volumes. This is all about HIS behaviour and not yours.

Good grief, who's got the energy to bother about who said what to who 14 years ago on that trivial level. Hugs to you OP.

Do you realise how terrifying it is when your partner punches the walls?
Many people on here (myself included) have experienced partners punching walls and it turning into punching us.

It's not funny in the slightest.

The jealousy is at bay because you’re toeing the line. Your doing and saying the right things to keep him placated.

Ok. So you're not listening to the thread, because you can't hear it, you can't see it. Yet. But you will. One day. Hopefully soon. When you do, when you see it, when you finally leave, please get some therapy for yourself, so you don't run from one abusive relationship straight into another. Again.

FFS how do you both have the energy for this immature shit ?

I've got to agree with what everyone else is saying - this is ridiculous and without meaning to judge, your husband is behaving appalling.

This happened 14 years ago - who the hell cares what the email said, what the intention was, whether or not you lied, and whether or not you embellished past sex life?! It was 3 months into a relationship you had no idea whether would progress or end the following day. The only thing that should matter to your husband and that should make him able to trust you is the 14 years together, marriage and children.

Is it possible your husband is annoyed over something else that is potentially a bit daft to everyone else, so he's using this at the catalyst for an argument?

Either way, I don't think you should be giving this much credence or worrying about it. Sometimes reassurance and then moving on from an argument regardless of whether your partner wants to or not, is the best thing for it. Continuing to give it any attention isn't needed.
And being utterly brutal, if something this small and insignificant is enough to ruin your relationship (which I sincerely hope isn't the case, and would be horrified if your husband did respond that way), then perhaps this wasn't the healthy and happy relationship you thought it was.

Your poor poor poor children

you are both massively dysfunctional and this is a massively dysfunctional relationship

@ithinkiveruinedmymarriage

You want someone to 'see it from his point of view'. OK, I'll take a stab at it...

"You're a lying bitch slut whore who can't be trusted and would jump into bed with anyone given half a chance. You deserve to be treated like shit whenever I think about your ex, your lies, and your sexual past. I have the right to call you names, you deserve it. I have the right to control you, because you cannot 'control' yourself. You need to be answerable to me for every second of the time that you are not right before my eyes. You need to go nowhere and see no one unless they are on my 'approved list".

How's that?

Now, for the reality. He is abusive and controlling. He is manipulative and gaslighting. And he enjoys causing you pain because it makes him feel good. If it didn't make him feel good, he wouldn't do it. If he has 'issues of abandonment' then he should see a good counselor and work them through. He should WANT to do this. He should want to be happy and to not feel the way he does.

You need to get out of this relationship. He is slowly destroying you, bit by bit. This relationship cannot be 'fixed' because he doesn't want to fix himself. He's a little boy pulling the wings off flies. You're the fly.

X it’s any help getting a as man’s perspective here…

i think your DH is acting crazy

My wife and I have been together 14 years and she had previous relationships.

if she had done this to me I might feel a bit unsettled by it, I might feel upset for the younger me that you said this too, but to be honestly all that would happen is we’d talk it through and I’d realise it was absolutely fine.

in truth it’s insignificant what happened 14 years ago and what find or half truths you might have said.

i agree with the others that he’s being out of order and needs to stop behaving like this. And to be truthful you need to stop
crediting his response too. You’ve done nothing wrong so stop apologising.

also, he needs therapy because he’s behaving in a completely unacceptable way towards you.

This is absolutely ridiculous. It was 14 years ago and an EMAIL!

Youve been together so long and got children together so the only reason he’d be making something out of this is if there’s something really not right in the relationship.

Tell him to drop it at once

OP - you haven't destroyed anything.
Your DH is insane. Plain & simple.

NOBODY who respects & loves their partner demands that they cease comms with a still-friendly ex. Let alone demand to see an email trail 14 years later. And to blow up about it is fever-level batshit.

I've barely read your paragraphs about how you represented your sexual history to him - I'm not interested in whether you exaggerated or underplayed it, because IT IS NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS.
Nothing you may have told him about your sex life previous to him justifies his entitlement to treat you as if you are just some ...female body that belongs to him. He thinks he owns you. He thinks he has the right to challenge you about your past. Remeber your past OP? - that time when you didn't know him, & could own your decisions about your sex life? The time when you were blissfully unaware that some creep was going to demand you account for what you chose to do with your own body before he met you?

You are married to a jealous, possessive, Angry & Controlling Man.
You need this book, urgently -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0399148442

but download the free e-version so you can keep is discreetly - he MUST NEVER SEE that you have a copy of this book.

he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth
Dude thinks he has you in a court of law, & he's judge, jury & executioner.
Dude thinks he has the right to cross-examine you about your private business.
Dude needs to take a running jump.
How fucking DARE he? Where is your anger & revulsion? Stop allowing him to tell you that you need to feel bad, guilty, shamed - whatever.

You've done nowt wrong here my dear

It’s not you, it’s him. This is not ‘normal jealousy.’ He has completely messed up your boundaries so you have no idea what is normal anymore. Threatening to end a 14 year relationship over this is the not normal.